church.
i went into a church for the first time in almost 3 years. the first time since my mom died. i don't know why i went there, or what i hoped to accomplish, but i did it. so for ten minutes i prayed. for ten minutes i asked questions, demanded answers and signs, but most of all, i cried. for ten minutes straight, my face was red and my eyes were wet. in that time i allowed myself to feel everything i was feeling, and not to let anything back.
i also did this last night.
last night i let him see me cry. last night i told him all the things i had wondered, and all the things i regretted. i won't say what all was said, for that would breach the sanctity of that moment, that bit of time where it was just me and him. so i cried again today, as i'm sure i'll cry again tomorrow. my days have been filled with uncertainty and overwhelming emotion for 3 weeks now. there was the night it happened, and my inability to grasp what was happening, that something so perfect and wonderful in my life, suddenly wasn't. there was our 5 month anniversary. which i quietly celebrated alone, wondering from 600 miles away if he too had remembered that 26th. then there was yesterday, when i had begun to take what little he had left at my apartment, and bring it back to him. because when i found that poster he had sent, with the simple message it had on it, i remembered it all. in vivid detail i recounted our 3 days in march, those 9 days in the summer, and the 5 months we had here. it all seemed to strange and too poignant to be evaporating in front of me. today i asked God a question. i queried aloud why he had set this all in motion, given me so many moments with him, and directed our lives, if only for us both to question it all so soon after we started our life together. five months is nothing. it is no time at all, especially with someone you have been led to believe is the one you have spent your whole life searching for. you ask yourself if he remembers all the times he said he loved you, when you both spoke of your life in the near future, and how neither of you could wait for what came next. then you realize what it all is:
either it's a test of our love or it's unfair.
do i want to live in a world where he doesn't stroll up to me and put my hand in his? is this a life worth living where the one sure thing in your life sudden is called into question? undoubtedly many will say "yes" and exude the confidence that all will be alright, and who knows, maybe it will be, but why jump back into the fray, why pray for it all to get better? when before him, before the bliss, before all the "i love you"s and nights together -- you did the same. didn't you long for him, for that one? then he was given to you (or he found you as the case may be), but not a year later from that night when it seemed all was good and anything was possible, he's being pulled from you. what then?
i'll tell you.
you have faith. in him, in God, and most importantly: the love you shared. if indeed love is all you need (something you've spent your whole life believing), then he will come back to you, and you will restart that life together. i have faith my friends, and i hold it close to me, but i also understand how easily it can be broken.
i love you.
i also did this last night.
last night i let him see me cry. last night i told him all the things i had wondered, and all the things i regretted. i won't say what all was said, for that would breach the sanctity of that moment, that bit of time where it was just me and him. so i cried again today, as i'm sure i'll cry again tomorrow. my days have been filled with uncertainty and overwhelming emotion for 3 weeks now. there was the night it happened, and my inability to grasp what was happening, that something so perfect and wonderful in my life, suddenly wasn't. there was our 5 month anniversary. which i quietly celebrated alone, wondering from 600 miles away if he too had remembered that 26th. then there was yesterday, when i had begun to take what little he had left at my apartment, and bring it back to him. because when i found that poster he had sent, with the simple message it had on it, i remembered it all. in vivid detail i recounted our 3 days in march, those 9 days in the summer, and the 5 months we had here. it all seemed to strange and too poignant to be evaporating in front of me. today i asked God a question. i queried aloud why he had set this all in motion, given me so many moments with him, and directed our lives, if only for us both to question it all so soon after we started our life together. five months is nothing. it is no time at all, especially with someone you have been led to believe is the one you have spent your whole life searching for. you ask yourself if he remembers all the times he said he loved you, when you both spoke of your life in the near future, and how neither of you could wait for what came next. then you realize what it all is:
either it's a test of our love or it's unfair.
do i want to live in a world where he doesn't stroll up to me and put my hand in his? is this a life worth living where the one sure thing in your life sudden is called into question? undoubtedly many will say "yes" and exude the confidence that all will be alright, and who knows, maybe it will be, but why jump back into the fray, why pray for it all to get better? when before him, before the bliss, before all the "i love you"s and nights together -- you did the same. didn't you long for him, for that one? then he was given to you (or he found you as the case may be), but not a year later from that night when it seemed all was good and anything was possible, he's being pulled from you. what then?
i'll tell you.
you have faith. in him, in God, and most importantly: the love you shared. if indeed love is all you need (something you've spent your whole life believing), then he will come back to you, and you will restart that life together. i have faith my friends, and i hold it close to me, but i also understand how easily it can be broken.
i love you.