[fic: "Laws of Gravity", Ray/Ray, due South, rated T]
Title: Laws of Gravity
Author: sionnain
Rating: Teen
Fandom: due South
Pairing: Ray/Ray
Summary: It really makes Ray wonder why he goes grocery shopping with Kowalski, when that activity is probably outlawed by the Geneva Convention as cruel and unusual torture
AN: Thanks to Waltzforanight for a beta! Written for the lovely Mizface on her birthday!
Laws of Gravity
The thing about grocery shopping with Kowalski is that there's no real way to win. It doesn't matter how detailed your strategy, or what sort of plans you make, it is always going to take twice as long as necessary.
Ray tries making a list, which is about as foreign to his nature as it is to Kowalski's. Unfortunately, it doesn't do a damn thing to keep Kowalski from bouncing around like a demented pinball, shooting from one aisle to the next in bursts of sudden energy.
If Kowalski is a pinball, Ray's beginning to feel like the...whatever the hell those things are called at the bottom, the flippy things that bounce the pinball back up onto the board. Those things. Or else he's the moron kid putting quarter after quarter in a game that's impossible to win. Like the one with the claw and all the stuffed animals.
"Vecchio, hey, come over here." Ray looks up from the array of soups he's perusing, muttering about the price difference between generic and Campbells ("Seriously, they charge that much more for star shaped noodles?"), and catches Kowalski grinning at him around the end of the aisle.
"You come over here," Ray says firmly. He tosses a few cans of generic chicken noodle soup in the cart and keeps pushing it, away from Kowalski. He'll catch up eventually. Hopefully back at the car after Ray's finished shopping without him.
Kowalski bounds after him and holds something up. "Look! Dragon sauce."
Ray waits for approximately two seconds for Kowalski to provide additional information. When none is forthcoming, Ray blinks and says slowly, "O...kay?"
"We gotta get this! Look, there's a dragon on the label. Cool, huh?"
Ray looks, and there is indeed a dragon, and yes, it is indeed cool. "Yeah, but what does it do?"
Kowalski gives him a look of disdain, rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in the air while muttering under his breath. Actually, Ray recognizes that entire routine as one of his own preferred ways of expressing irritation. It makes Ray feel better to know that Kowalski is picking up some of his habits, too. Because just the other day, Ray told the butcher at Dominic's that running out of their meatball sub lunch special was not buddies at all.
"Says here it...you can use it as a marinade! For chicken, beef or steak!" Kowalski proudly shakes the bottle at him. "There you go, Detective. Mystery solved by reading. My skills, Vecchio, they are legendary."
Ray snorts. "Kowalski, when was the last time you marinated anything?" Ray doesn't let him respond. "And before you say anything, no, you can't count the chicken we had in the fridge last week. Mold is not a marinade, babe."
"Yeah, I know, look I said I was...I thought maybe that chicken could...um." Kowalski runs a hand through his hair, giving Ray that sheepish grin that makes Ray want to pounce on him. "I got a problem about food going bad, you know that."
"You got a lot of problems, Stanley," Ray says with a laugh. "The food thing is one of many. Give me that." Ray reaches out to take the bottle, but Kowalski pulls it back stubbornly, cradling it to his chest like it's the World Series trophy. Typical. "Or not, fine, it's your dragon sauce, I can live without it." Ray starts pushing the cart again, and Kowalski follows and throws the bottle in.
It hits the carton of eggs, bounces off it and lands in with the other groceries. Sighing, Ray opens up the carton, and sure enough...there's a broken egg in there. "We gotta go back by the eggs."
Kowalski peers into the cart. "Guess that answers that question," he says, nodding wisely.
Ray can't help it, he has to know. "What question? If hurling glass at eggs will make them break? That was really a question you had? Wow, Kowalski. I didn't realize you had so many problems with the concept of gravity."
Kowalski flips him off, then says, "The one about who would win in a fight, a chicken or a dragon."
"That's actually a question?"
"Well maybe not for everybody...look, didn't science tell us that dinosaurs evolved into birds?"
Ray is used to Kowalski-logic by this point, has a degree and provides translations free of charge, but this is a stretch even for him. "If by science you mean Jurassic Park, yeah. But dragons aren't dinosaurs, Kowalski."
Kowalski follows Ray into the next aisle, where the breakfast cereal lives. They both have a weakness for sugary cereal, especially as a late-night or post-sex snack. Ray tosses some Frosted Flakes (his favorite) and Cap'n Crunch (Kowlaski's) into the cart. Kowalski adds a box of chocolate poptarts, and off they go.
"You don't know, Vecchio. Maybe the dragon was like, the step in between dinosaurs and birds. Since they can fly, and breathe fire."
Ray turns his head and gives Kowalski a look. "Dinosaurs never breathed fire. Pretty sure I would've remembered learning that in school."
"You don't know that for sure, Vecchio. Neither do the dinosaur scientists. All we got left of dinosaurs are bones lying around the desert, so how would we know if they did breathe fire just from that?"
Sometimes, Ray can't argue with Kowalski-logic. Maybe it's because he's in love with guy, or maybe it's that Kowalski-logic makes a bizarre amount of sense on occasion. Like right now. Which makes Ray's head hurt a little, even though he should really be used to that at this point.
Ray shrugs and pushes the cart onward. "Okay, yeah, maybe they did. But this still doesn't address the issue I'm confused about, Kowalski, which is the original could a chicken beat a dragon question. You're telling me you are honestly wondering about this? Isn't the answer kind of obvious?"
Kowalski shakes his head, throws a few boxes of Mac and Cheese into the cart. "Sometimes, just 'cause it's obvious, that don't make it the right answer, Vecchio." Kowalski gives him a crooked grin, and Ray grins back because not doing so is impossible when Kowalski smiles like that.
"Guess I just got stuck on which came first, the chicken or the egg and didn't bother to think hypothetical questions about chickens anymore," Ray tells him, retrieving the list from his pocket to see what they still needed.
"Yeah, that one confuses a lot of people," Kowalski says knowingly, bumping Vecchio's shoulder with his own. "I figured it out, though. And the one about the tree falling in the forest, too."
"Well, that's great," Ray says with a roll of his eyes. "Call up Time Life and see if they'll put you in one of those books about the mysteries of the universe, since you got them all figured out. That'd be cool, we could just get everyone we know a set for Christmas and forget it."
Kowalski actually looks, for a few seconds, like he's seriously considering doing that. "If they pay enough in royalties, we could by those two spots in the garage next to the GTO and the Riv. You know, so nobody parks next to us, ever."
Ray breaks into a wide grin. "Okay, that is a great idea. This? This is why I love you."
Kowalski looks pleased with himself. "Does that mean I get a blowjob when we get home?" he asks hopefully.
"It absolutely does. C'mon, we got four things left on the list and then we can get out of here." Ray points the cart towards the dairy section. "Four plus an extra carton of eggs, that is."
When they're in the check-out line--somehow, Ray has the unfortunate ability to pick out the absolute slowest line there is, even if it's one guy with a pack of gum or something ahead of him--Ray turns to Kowalski and says, "You know, I get the chicken and the egg question, and the one about trees. But the chicken versus dragon thing? I think you watch too many Godzilla movies. I just don't believe that keeps people up at night along with wondering if there's a God."
Kowalski puts down the Weekly World News he'd been perusing and meets Ray's eyes, rubbed a thumb over his eyebrow. "I thought about that stuff a lot, when I couldn't sleep. Right after my dad disowned me, then when Stella and I split up...you know. Times like that. I worked through all the other ones, like I said. And then I'd think about the universe and where it came from, smart stuff, but that just freaked me out because science is scary, Vecchio, it really is. So instead I just thought about which animal would win in a fight. The last one was the chicken and the dragon."
The line moves a little, enough so that Ray can start putting groceries on the little conveyor belt. "And that one stumped you? Really? Odds are pretty good the chicken's going to end up extra-crispy with a side of cold slaw."
"They didn't have cold slaw back then," Kowalski informs him, as if that ruins Ray's whole argument right there. Kowalski tosses a can of spaghetti sauce at Ray.
Ray catches it deftly and puts it up with the rest of the groceries. "As compared to the time when they never had dragons?"
"Fuck you. And no, it didn't stump me. And it was more like I'd try and find ways for the underdog--or, in this case, under-chicken--to win. Beat the odds, you know? Later I can tell you all about how I worked out a beagle kicking a shark's ass, if you want. It's pretty badass. And I was getting close with the chicken, I was, but like I said, I stopped having trouble sleeping so I didn't get all the angles worked out. "
"You get insomnia a lot? We get Animal Planet, you could just watch that instead. The other day I saw a rabbit outwit a hawk who wanted her rabbit-babies for dinner."
Kowalski makes an aha! noise, and shakes his fist in the air. "See? Way to go, bunny. Beat the odds."
They finish unloading the groceries, and while the checker is scanning them Ray looks curiously at Kowalski and rubs his hand low on Kowalski's back. "Seriously, you fall asleep in two seconds and stay asleep. I nearly sprained my back trying to move you to the bedroom from the couch last week. So whatever you did to cure your insomnia, Kowalski, keep doing it because it's obviously working."
Kowalski reaches up and tugs at Ray's tie, pulling him down and kissing him hot and messy. "Believe me," Kowalski says, and Ray can feel Kowalski's grin against his mouth. "I plan on it."
Oh, man. That is--Ray kisses him back, then pulls back and gently rests his forehead against Kowalski's for a second. He's probably going to have to endure Kowalski's play-by-play about the beagle and the shark on the way home, but that's okay. He's pretty much resigned to a lifetime of those conversations, anyway.
"C'mon, Kowalski," Ray says, after their groceries are stacked neatly in paper bags in their cart. "Tell me how a beagle manages to beat up a shark."
Kowalski grins at him as they walk towards the exit. "Okay, see, first of all it's important that the beagle knows how to swim...."
Author: sionnain
Rating: Teen
Fandom: due South
Pairing: Ray/Ray
Summary: It really makes Ray wonder why he goes grocery shopping with Kowalski, when that activity is probably outlawed by the Geneva Convention as cruel and unusual torture
AN: Thanks to Waltzforanight for a beta! Written for the lovely Mizface on her birthday!
Laws of Gravity
The thing about grocery shopping with Kowalski is that there's no real way to win. It doesn't matter how detailed your strategy, or what sort of plans you make, it is always going to take twice as long as necessary.
Ray tries making a list, which is about as foreign to his nature as it is to Kowalski's. Unfortunately, it doesn't do a damn thing to keep Kowalski from bouncing around like a demented pinball, shooting from one aisle to the next in bursts of sudden energy.
If Kowalski is a pinball, Ray's beginning to feel like the...whatever the hell those things are called at the bottom, the flippy things that bounce the pinball back up onto the board. Those things. Or else he's the moron kid putting quarter after quarter in a game that's impossible to win. Like the one with the claw and all the stuffed animals.
"Vecchio, hey, come over here." Ray looks up from the array of soups he's perusing, muttering about the price difference between generic and Campbells ("Seriously, they charge that much more for star shaped noodles?"), and catches Kowalski grinning at him around the end of the aisle.
"You come over here," Ray says firmly. He tosses a few cans of generic chicken noodle soup in the cart and keeps pushing it, away from Kowalski. He'll catch up eventually. Hopefully back at the car after Ray's finished shopping without him.
Kowalski bounds after him and holds something up. "Look! Dragon sauce."
Ray waits for approximately two seconds for Kowalski to provide additional information. When none is forthcoming, Ray blinks and says slowly, "O...kay?"
"We gotta get this! Look, there's a dragon on the label. Cool, huh?"
Ray looks, and there is indeed a dragon, and yes, it is indeed cool. "Yeah, but what does it do?"
Kowalski gives him a look of disdain, rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in the air while muttering under his breath. Actually, Ray recognizes that entire routine as one of his own preferred ways of expressing irritation. It makes Ray feel better to know that Kowalski is picking up some of his habits, too. Because just the other day, Ray told the butcher at Dominic's that running out of their meatball sub lunch special was not buddies at all.
"Says here it...you can use it as a marinade! For chicken, beef or steak!" Kowalski proudly shakes the bottle at him. "There you go, Detective. Mystery solved by reading. My skills, Vecchio, they are legendary."
Ray snorts. "Kowalski, when was the last time you marinated anything?" Ray doesn't let him respond. "And before you say anything, no, you can't count the chicken we had in the fridge last week. Mold is not a marinade, babe."
"Yeah, I know, look I said I was...I thought maybe that chicken could...um." Kowalski runs a hand through his hair, giving Ray that sheepish grin that makes Ray want to pounce on him. "I got a problem about food going bad, you know that."
"You got a lot of problems, Stanley," Ray says with a laugh. "The food thing is one of many. Give me that." Ray reaches out to take the bottle, but Kowalski pulls it back stubbornly, cradling it to his chest like it's the World Series trophy. Typical. "Or not, fine, it's your dragon sauce, I can live without it." Ray starts pushing the cart again, and Kowalski follows and throws the bottle in.
It hits the carton of eggs, bounces off it and lands in with the other groceries. Sighing, Ray opens up the carton, and sure enough...there's a broken egg in there. "We gotta go back by the eggs."
Kowalski peers into the cart. "Guess that answers that question," he says, nodding wisely.
Ray can't help it, he has to know. "What question? If hurling glass at eggs will make them break? That was really a question you had? Wow, Kowalski. I didn't realize you had so many problems with the concept of gravity."
Kowalski flips him off, then says, "The one about who would win in a fight, a chicken or a dragon."
"That's actually a question?"
"Well maybe not for everybody...look, didn't science tell us that dinosaurs evolved into birds?"
Ray is used to Kowalski-logic by this point, has a degree and provides translations free of charge, but this is a stretch even for him. "If by science you mean Jurassic Park, yeah. But dragons aren't dinosaurs, Kowalski."
Kowalski follows Ray into the next aisle, where the breakfast cereal lives. They both have a weakness for sugary cereal, especially as a late-night or post-sex snack. Ray tosses some Frosted Flakes (his favorite) and Cap'n Crunch (Kowlaski's) into the cart. Kowalski adds a box of chocolate poptarts, and off they go.
"You don't know, Vecchio. Maybe the dragon was like, the step in between dinosaurs and birds. Since they can fly, and breathe fire."
Ray turns his head and gives Kowalski a look. "Dinosaurs never breathed fire. Pretty sure I would've remembered learning that in school."
"You don't know that for sure, Vecchio. Neither do the dinosaur scientists. All we got left of dinosaurs are bones lying around the desert, so how would we know if they did breathe fire just from that?"
Sometimes, Ray can't argue with Kowalski-logic. Maybe it's because he's in love with guy, or maybe it's that Kowalski-logic makes a bizarre amount of sense on occasion. Like right now. Which makes Ray's head hurt a little, even though he should really be used to that at this point.
Ray shrugs and pushes the cart onward. "Okay, yeah, maybe they did. But this still doesn't address the issue I'm confused about, Kowalski, which is the original could a chicken beat a dragon question. You're telling me you are honestly wondering about this? Isn't the answer kind of obvious?"
Kowalski shakes his head, throws a few boxes of Mac and Cheese into the cart. "Sometimes, just 'cause it's obvious, that don't make it the right answer, Vecchio." Kowalski gives him a crooked grin, and Ray grins back because not doing so is impossible when Kowalski smiles like that.
"Guess I just got stuck on which came first, the chicken or the egg and didn't bother to think hypothetical questions about chickens anymore," Ray tells him, retrieving the list from his pocket to see what they still needed.
"Yeah, that one confuses a lot of people," Kowalski says knowingly, bumping Vecchio's shoulder with his own. "I figured it out, though. And the one about the tree falling in the forest, too."
"Well, that's great," Ray says with a roll of his eyes. "Call up Time Life and see if they'll put you in one of those books about the mysteries of the universe, since you got them all figured out. That'd be cool, we could just get everyone we know a set for Christmas and forget it."
Kowalski actually looks, for a few seconds, like he's seriously considering doing that. "If they pay enough in royalties, we could by those two spots in the garage next to the GTO and the Riv. You know, so nobody parks next to us, ever."
Ray breaks into a wide grin. "Okay, that is a great idea. This? This is why I love you."
Kowalski looks pleased with himself. "Does that mean I get a blowjob when we get home?" he asks hopefully.
"It absolutely does. C'mon, we got four things left on the list and then we can get out of here." Ray points the cart towards the dairy section. "Four plus an extra carton of eggs, that is."
When they're in the check-out line--somehow, Ray has the unfortunate ability to pick out the absolute slowest line there is, even if it's one guy with a pack of gum or something ahead of him--Ray turns to Kowalski and says, "You know, I get the chicken and the egg question, and the one about trees. But the chicken versus dragon thing? I think you watch too many Godzilla movies. I just don't believe that keeps people up at night along with wondering if there's a God."
Kowalski puts down the Weekly World News he'd been perusing and meets Ray's eyes, rubbed a thumb over his eyebrow. "I thought about that stuff a lot, when I couldn't sleep. Right after my dad disowned me, then when Stella and I split up...you know. Times like that. I worked through all the other ones, like I said. And then I'd think about the universe and where it came from, smart stuff, but that just freaked me out because science is scary, Vecchio, it really is. So instead I just thought about which animal would win in a fight. The last one was the chicken and the dragon."
The line moves a little, enough so that Ray can start putting groceries on the little conveyor belt. "And that one stumped you? Really? Odds are pretty good the chicken's going to end up extra-crispy with a side of cold slaw."
"They didn't have cold slaw back then," Kowalski informs him, as if that ruins Ray's whole argument right there. Kowalski tosses a can of spaghetti sauce at Ray.
Ray catches it deftly and puts it up with the rest of the groceries. "As compared to the time when they never had dragons?"
"Fuck you. And no, it didn't stump me. And it was more like I'd try and find ways for the underdog--or, in this case, under-chicken--to win. Beat the odds, you know? Later I can tell you all about how I worked out a beagle kicking a shark's ass, if you want. It's pretty badass. And I was getting close with the chicken, I was, but like I said, I stopped having trouble sleeping so I didn't get all the angles worked out. "
"You get insomnia a lot? We get Animal Planet, you could just watch that instead. The other day I saw a rabbit outwit a hawk who wanted her rabbit-babies for dinner."
Kowalski makes an aha! noise, and shakes his fist in the air. "See? Way to go, bunny. Beat the odds."
They finish unloading the groceries, and while the checker is scanning them Ray looks curiously at Kowalski and rubs his hand low on Kowalski's back. "Seriously, you fall asleep in two seconds and stay asleep. I nearly sprained my back trying to move you to the bedroom from the couch last week. So whatever you did to cure your insomnia, Kowalski, keep doing it because it's obviously working."
Kowalski reaches up and tugs at Ray's tie, pulling him down and kissing him hot and messy. "Believe me," Kowalski says, and Ray can feel Kowalski's grin against his mouth. "I plan on it."
Oh, man. That is--Ray kisses him back, then pulls back and gently rests his forehead against Kowalski's for a second. He's probably going to have to endure Kowalski's play-by-play about the beagle and the shark on the way home, but that's okay. He's pretty much resigned to a lifetime of those conversations, anyway.
"C'mon, Kowalski," Ray says, after their groceries are stacked neatly in paper bags in their cart. "Tell me how a beagle manages to beat up a shark."
Kowalski grins at him as they walk towards the exit. "Okay, see, first of all it's important that the beagle knows how to swim...."