Maybe we could go to bed and I could help you run the three minute mile.
Day one back from vacation. Still 12 hours before work, when I get a call.
"Susan called in, can you work swing?"
Lucky them, I'm still not adjusted enough to graveyard. Welcome once again to the rat race that is the working world. The shift jumping, getting called in, listening to coworkers bitch about one another, trying not to think what they say about me when I am gone.
It's kind of laughable.
And what my vacation taught me, is that I honestly have to stop taking that place so seriously. For Christs sake, it's a job that requires a fucking high school education. It's a stock job that pays a little more than a department store stock job, just because it involves medical supplies. Now, I know that what I do is important on some level. Without supplies, kits and trays, all that... the hospital would have difficulty functioning. I know that I have to be around illness and death and sometimes respond when people are dying... and that, I can take seriously. What I can't be bothered with is stupid shit like policy changes, disagreeing with how things are run, people whining about the amount of work they have to do (or whining about it myself). It's a fucking blue collar, physical labor-type job. It's hourly pay. It's part-time. It's not worth stress and strife. It's go to work, get shit done, go home, and forget about it until the next time.
I think the problem is, there's a part of me that feels like I need to care about my work. However, that nagging feeling is something I felt about my schoolwork - had to be the best, had to understand the most, absorb the most knowledge. And now? That energy goes into a mindless job (and trust me, it is redundant and (mostly) mindless - I can go on autopilot), then I get frustrated when I have no room to speak. Solution? I need to get involved in some sort of work that I can care about. I need to get into a career that I give a shit about. I also need to busy myself until that happens.
So. I'm starting to give school another thought. I had stayed at bay for a couple of reasons - 1. I wanted to do so many different things, I couldn't keep track. 2. I feared any job that involved just sitting around a computer, which seems to be what most careers are. And 3. I didn't feel like I was in a state to take school seriously.
I sort of had a mindless couple of years. A lot of hanging out. Not a lot of anything else. Lately, I've been feeding this itch to exercise my brain, by reading, writing more (even if it is just journal entries or letters - it's a practice), and studying new topics. But I still need to feed it, more and more. I can feel my brain struggling to access all of the incredible information that has since been replaced by stock numbers. It's frustrating, at times, because I honestly don't feel as intelligent as I used to. I'm no longer eloquent. But I'm going to get it back.
So, here, you have it. My plans, goals, ideas, spread out. I only hope I can follow through (though I will stick this one into memories so I can visit it when I feel un-motivated).
The idea is to get back into school in Fall 2009, even if I can only afford a class or two (it's a class or two closer to a goal, and even more importantly, it will get me to think again).
My bout of long vacations, running out of PTO and going mostly unpaid at times has forced me to save, and I'm kind of getting hooked on the idea. So, I'm going to save for school as well.
I'm pretty terrible at managing money when it's all electronic - in savings or checking, I still have a card and once I plow through checking, I'll start on savings. It's stupid. What I am good at, is out of sight, out of mind. If I have a small safe for my (very small) savings, and I tuck it away - I don't have anything to see. There is no number on my computer screen confirming that yes, I can in fact, buy a whole bunch of shit I don't need. I know I don't get interest (what a craptacular concept when you don't have tens of thousands of dollars), but I don't spend it. That's the point.
So anyway, I take as much as I comfortably can out of my paychecks, make it into cash form and tuck it away. I'm trying to get as ahead on rent as I will be on school fund, to make it easier for me to afford unexpected things and not have my supply dwindle so fast.
And in the meantime?
I think I'm just going to have to read more. Maybe even get some textbooks and start flipping through. Also, write more. I have a concept that's been floating around in my head forever. I'm just afraid to write it. But I shouldn't. I need not be self-conscious, and, if it doesn't amount to getting published or anything, at least I will have completed my life long dream: finish a book.
Seems to me that I've got a bit over a year before the 09 school year starts. I think that's enough time to get my head back in the game.
Even if it's a lot of time before I make a degree, at least I'll be able to exercise my brain and study things I like to study. Even if I don't get out of mindless workforce, at least I won't feel as if I'm going to waste completely.
The time is now.
"Susan called in, can you work swing?"
Lucky them, I'm still not adjusted enough to graveyard. Welcome once again to the rat race that is the working world. The shift jumping, getting called in, listening to coworkers bitch about one another, trying not to think what they say about me when I am gone.
It's kind of laughable.
And what my vacation taught me, is that I honestly have to stop taking that place so seriously. For Christs sake, it's a job that requires a fucking high school education. It's a stock job that pays a little more than a department store stock job, just because it involves medical supplies. Now, I know that what I do is important on some level. Without supplies, kits and trays, all that... the hospital would have difficulty functioning. I know that I have to be around illness and death and sometimes respond when people are dying... and that, I can take seriously. What I can't be bothered with is stupid shit like policy changes, disagreeing with how things are run, people whining about the amount of work they have to do (or whining about it myself). It's a fucking blue collar, physical labor-type job. It's hourly pay. It's part-time. It's not worth stress and strife. It's go to work, get shit done, go home, and forget about it until the next time.
I think the problem is, there's a part of me that feels like I need to care about my work. However, that nagging feeling is something I felt about my schoolwork - had to be the best, had to understand the most, absorb the most knowledge. And now? That energy goes into a mindless job (and trust me, it is redundant and (mostly) mindless - I can go on autopilot), then I get frustrated when I have no room to speak. Solution? I need to get involved in some sort of work that I can care about. I need to get into a career that I give a shit about. I also need to busy myself until that happens.
So. I'm starting to give school another thought. I had stayed at bay for a couple of reasons - 1. I wanted to do so many different things, I couldn't keep track. 2. I feared any job that involved just sitting around a computer, which seems to be what most careers are. And 3. I didn't feel like I was in a state to take school seriously.
I sort of had a mindless couple of years. A lot of hanging out. Not a lot of anything else. Lately, I've been feeding this itch to exercise my brain, by reading, writing more (even if it is just journal entries or letters - it's a practice), and studying new topics. But I still need to feed it, more and more. I can feel my brain struggling to access all of the incredible information that has since been replaced by stock numbers. It's frustrating, at times, because I honestly don't feel as intelligent as I used to. I'm no longer eloquent. But I'm going to get it back.
So, here, you have it. My plans, goals, ideas, spread out. I only hope I can follow through (though I will stick this one into memories so I can visit it when I feel un-motivated).
The idea is to get back into school in Fall 2009, even if I can only afford a class or two (it's a class or two closer to a goal, and even more importantly, it will get me to think again).
My bout of long vacations, running out of PTO and going mostly unpaid at times has forced me to save, and I'm kind of getting hooked on the idea. So, I'm going to save for school as well.
I'm pretty terrible at managing money when it's all electronic - in savings or checking, I still have a card and once I plow through checking, I'll start on savings. It's stupid. What I am good at, is out of sight, out of mind. If I have a small safe for my (very small) savings, and I tuck it away - I don't have anything to see. There is no number on my computer screen confirming that yes, I can in fact, buy a whole bunch of shit I don't need. I know I don't get interest (what a craptacular concept when you don't have tens of thousands of dollars), but I don't spend it. That's the point.
So anyway, I take as much as I comfortably can out of my paychecks, make it into cash form and tuck it away. I'm trying to get as ahead on rent as I will be on school fund, to make it easier for me to afford unexpected things and not have my supply dwindle so fast.
And in the meantime?
I think I'm just going to have to read more. Maybe even get some textbooks and start flipping through. Also, write more. I have a concept that's been floating around in my head forever. I'm just afraid to write it. But I shouldn't. I need not be self-conscious, and, if it doesn't amount to getting published or anything, at least I will have completed my life long dream: finish a book.
Seems to me that I've got a bit over a year before the 09 school year starts. I think that's enough time to get my head back in the game.
Even if it's a lot of time before I make a degree, at least I'll be able to exercise my brain and study things I like to study. Even if I don't get out of mindless workforce, at least I won't feel as if I'm going to waste completely.
The time is now.