Hyoutei Roommates: Coping Methods #8: Keganin (Injured Party)
Title: Keganin (Injured Party)
Pairing: Dirty Pair, HiyoMari
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Rating: The Dirty Pair have dirty minds mouths. ^^;
For: chironstar, who asked for a drabble with Mari, Hiyoshi, the Hyoutei regulars, a broom closet, an empty classroom, and Truth or Dare. *giggles*
Disclaimer: *cackles evilly* Nope. Not mine. Yet. MWAHAHAHA!
Notes: This is what happens when I start writing Gakuto's mental voice, get dizzy off Gakuto's mental voice after two pages of him snarking with Shishido, and decide that plain ordinary dialogue crack suits the Dirty Pair just fine. Well, it was originally supposed to be a drabble... ^^;
Keganin (Injured Party)
“Gakuto, your voice sounds… strange. And… are those bruises?”
“S’okay, Yuushi. Uh… yeah. It was that dumb Hiyoshi, that’s all.”
“Hiyoshi? Our teammate? What did you say to him?”
“Hey! Why’s it my fault?! Aren’t you supposed to ask me ‘what happened?!’ and stuff like that?!”
“He’s hardly Shishido, Gakuto… and even Shishido doesn’t bite without provocation. Even though he doesn’t require much in the way of provocation.”
“Whose side are you on, anyway?!”
“Oh, very well, then. Gakuto! What happened?!”
“You’re making fun of me, now.”
“I’m always making fun of you.”
“You’re a bastard, Yuushi.”
“Mmmhmm. You’re just dying to tell me, aren’t you.”
“…I hate you. It’d serve you right if I didn’t tell you about Hiyoshi’s date.”
“Hiyoshi's... date?”
“Hah! See, sometimes I know stuff you don’t. Hiyoshi was walking by with some classmates, an’ I heard him saying something about meeting someone in the spare classroom after class. You know, the empty one where the janitor keeps all his stuff in the back?”
“Yes?”
“And it was a girl. Not a guy, a girl. You’re not, you know, surprised or anything?”
“Hmmm. Since I no longer believe in cooties, if I ever did… no, not terribly.”
“Bah. You’re no fun. I mean, I just about busted an eyeball when she walked in.”
“You were there?”
“Well, yeah. In, you know. The broom closet. Did you know that someone punched the lock out? You can see right through the hole.”
“…does it beg the question to ask why?”
“C’mon, Yuushi. I don’t think even Ootori’d believe that Hiyoshi was straight without some proof.”
“You could have done something much less… elaborate. Truth or dare, maybe?”
“Hiyoshi’s boring. He won’t ever play. Besides, who ever actually tells the truth during Truth or Dare, anyway?”
“Mmmhmm. I see. Of course. Tell me-who did you make a bet with?”
“…what do you mean? What bet?”
“Well, the only other reason you would care about his sexual orientation, Gakuto, is that you’ve decided to trade me in for the silent, oblivious, obscurely frigid type… and I would really hate to have to kill the future buchou of Hyoutei’s high school tennis team.”
“…um. Mmm. That’s kind of hot.”
“I will tell Hiyoshi that you think so. The bet?”
“I couldn’t help it-Shishido’s just such an easy target, sometimes.”
“Ah. I see. Because Shishido has all the gaydar of a fangirl in denial.”
“Yeah, seriously, right? I mean, he totally thought Ootori was straight. Well, that’s why I made the bet with him. But he said Piyo-piyo was straight, too-I said no way. I mean, what’re the chances we’d have more than one straight guy on the team?”
“Might I remind you that the statistical norm is that men prefer breasts to balls? And that Hiyoshi would have yours if he heard you calling him Piyo-piyo?”
“You’re as much of a killjoy as Shishido sometimes, you know that?”
“Unlike Shishido, I’m normally right, aren’t I?”
“Hmph. Don’t see why guys like boobs anyway. Who wants stuff jiggling in their face? Maybe that works for guys who don’t play tennis. But… well, I kinda had a bad moment there when she walked in.”
“Hmm? A bad moment? Was she not pretty?”
“I mean, she was kind of pretty. Sorta. Not ugly, I guess. I never really thought about it before. Though her boobs are pretty big, now that you mention it. If you like that kind of thing.”
“How… gay of you, Gakuto. But I can’t argue with you there-there’s no accounting for straight male taste.”
“I guess. But Yuushi…”
“Hmmm?”
“It was Mari.”
“…excuse me?”
“Yeah, I know, right? I almost came running right out of the broom closet to warn the poor bastard that his black belts and all the gekokujou in the world wouldn’t save him if he thought he could handle her… Yuushi? Yuushi, are you-hey! Hey! What’s so goddamned funny?!”
“Ah. Ah-my apologies. But… Mari. You thought that Hiyoshi was arranging some sort of date with Mari. As in, Atobe’s fanclub president. Mari.”
“Well, it’d be a gekokujou kind of thing, wouldn’t it, stealing her away from Atobe?”
“…Atobe is the one and only person in all of Hyoutei who actually believes that Mari is in any way his, Gakuto. But… I can see how that would make sense.”
“’Zactly. What better way to bunch up Atobe’s briefs, right? And the two of them were, you know, sitting together! And laughing! Have you ever seen Hiyoshi actually laugh?! It’s weird! Though did you know she’s really good at English?”
“She would be-she’s from Hawaii. I’m glad Hiyoshi finally agreed to get some tutoring, though. He has been doing very badly in English, and I think he’s in danger of suspension from the team if he doesn’t do well on his test on Friday.”
“…you mean she seriously was tutoring him? They’re not… well, I thought it was weird, but they’re really not… you know, I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I thought it didn’t look anything like foreplay. What do I know about straight guys, though? Huh.”
“Foreplay?”
“…Yuushi? You okay?”
“Foreplay? Gakuto, you actually thought that Hiyoshi… and… Mari… in a spare classroom?!”
“Why not? We have.”
“Of course, but it seems somewhat more… sordid when you mention it in the same breath as Hiyoshi Wakashi and Taira Mari. And not entirely in a good way.”
“You weirdo. I told you, I didn’t know it was going to be Mari.”
“I was more wondering how you imagined it of Hiyoshi, actually.”
“Well, he’s a guy, right? He’s got to have, you know, needs somewhere. And it’s what I would do if I didn’t live in an apartment with you. I mean, can you just imagine taking someone home for sex? With parental units in room radius? Guh! Just the thought makes my balls want to crawl back into my body.”
“Thank you for that image. I take it that they, however, did not give you a show.”
“He kinda reached out like he was gonna brush her hair behind her ear for a second, but… nah. They just walked off together.”
“Disappointed?”
“Ew. I’ve seen porn, you know. Het people smutting is squidgy and gross. Could’ve sworn… oh, well. I guess this means I don’t have to pay up to Shishido, though, huh?”
“No, I don’t think so. If your categorical proof for Hiyoshi being straight is him having sex with a girl, I suspect that none of us will actually know for awhile, though.”
“No? Really? Then how… I mean, he’s, what, sixteen? How does he make it through the day without pitching tent, if he’s not getting any?!”
“I have my suspicions, but I don’t think you should ask him. I’m sure a black belt with a gekokujou complex can do a fair amount of damage, when he wants to.”
“Ha. Ha. I figured that one out myself, thanks.”
“Mmm. Though… my, that is an extraordinary patch of bruises. A little… excessive, for catching you in the closet peeping on a tutoring session, don’t you think?”
“I’m not dumb enough to get caught.”
“I didn’t think you were. You know, these are going to be impressive tomorrow.”
“Ow! Yuushi, don’t poke. Well, how was I supposed to know that she was tutoring him?! I figured that they had some kind of thing going on. You know, an agreement. Fuckbuddies, maybe. Mari’s pretty smart, right, I’m sure she could have figured out someplace more private than a classroom for them to play around some.”
“…Mukahi Gakuto, exactly what did you do?”
“It was just a question! He just… freaked. Stupid Piyo-piyo.”
“Mmm-hmmm…”
“I’m serious! Don't look at me like that. It wasn’t a big deal. You know how they say girls are self-lubricating? I mean, it’s unfair enough that they can get fucked up the ass, too, but… you know?”
“I’m the one who told you that, so… yes. What does that have to do with… oh. No. Gakuto, you didn’t.”
“It’s not that I didn’t believe you, but c’mon, Yuushi, you haven’t had sex with a girl in, like, centuries. I figured he’d know for sure! How’re you supposed to know if you don’t ask, right? And the next thing I knew, he had me up against the wall by my neck, the bastard!”
“Mmhmm. And is that all you said before you were, ah, wall-flung, as it were?”
“Well, he was kind of just giving me that blank, weird look he gives the team sometimes, and he asked why in the name of all the gods would I ask him such a thing. Just those words, too. All I said was, ‘Well, you know, you and Mari,’ and then wham!”
“…”
“I don’t get why he got so mad! Yuushi? Hey, I’m the injured party here!”
“……"
"Damn it, say something!"
"You realise that if Hiyoshi proceeds to fail English and gets dropped from the tennis club, it will be entirely your fault?"
“It was an honest mistake! Yuushi, you jerk, if you don’t stop laughing, you’re getting zero ass for a month!”
“Empty threats, Gakuto?”
“I’ll do it!”
“No, you won’t.”
“Oh, yeah? You think you’re so smart. Just you watch. We’ll see how much you like walking around pitching tent.”
“You won’t. I suspect Mari would find this conversation quite as… fascinating… as Hiyoshi found your question, and that her idea of retaliation would leave scars where no-one could see them. After all, you’re already on her hit list for having, ah, improved her skirts.”
“Oh, my God. Yuushi! That’s blackmail!”
“Of course it is.”
“And you were the one who figured out how to get her skirts so I could sew them up!”
“I was indeed.”
“…I knew I should have traded you in when I had the chance.”
“Hmmm.”
“…goddamn it. Stop smiling like that. It’s so unfair. You’re hot when you’re being a smart-ass.”
“I know.”
“Fuck you, Yuushi.”
“Is that an invitation?”
“…kinda, yeah.”
“All you ever have to do is ask, Gakuto. Spare classroom?”
“I knew there was a reason I stuck with you. Oh… wait up, wait up.”
“Why?”
“Broom closet? No lock? Possibly peepers inside?”
“You mean you actually care?”
“No, just so you’d know to face towards it, not away. Mmm-mmm, race you there!”
~owari~
Start: June 14, 2007
End: June 16, 2007
Canon Coping Methods? Who knows? But everyone needs a little crack sometimes. ^^;
Pairing: Dirty Pair, HiyoMari
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Rating: The Dirty Pair have dirty minds mouths. ^^;
For: chironstar, who asked for a drabble with Mari, Hiyoshi, the Hyoutei regulars, a broom closet, an empty classroom, and Truth or Dare. *giggles*
Disclaimer: *cackles evilly* Nope. Not mine. Yet. MWAHAHAHA!
Notes: This is what happens when I start writing Gakuto's mental voice, get dizzy off Gakuto's mental voice after two pages of him snarking with Shishido, and decide that plain ordinary dialogue crack suits the Dirty Pair just fine. Well, it was originally supposed to be a drabble... ^^;
Keganin (Injured Party)
“Gakuto, your voice sounds… strange. And… are those bruises?”
“S’okay, Yuushi. Uh… yeah. It was that dumb Hiyoshi, that’s all.”
“Hiyoshi? Our teammate? What did you say to him?”
“Hey! Why’s it my fault?! Aren’t you supposed to ask me ‘what happened?!’ and stuff like that?!”
“He’s hardly Shishido, Gakuto… and even Shishido doesn’t bite without provocation. Even though he doesn’t require much in the way of provocation.”
“Whose side are you on, anyway?!”
“Oh, very well, then. Gakuto! What happened?!”
“You’re making fun of me, now.”
“I’m always making fun of you.”
“You’re a bastard, Yuushi.”
“Mmmhmm. You’re just dying to tell me, aren’t you.”
“…I hate you. It’d serve you right if I didn’t tell you about Hiyoshi’s date.”
“Hiyoshi's... date?”
“Hah! See, sometimes I know stuff you don’t. Hiyoshi was walking by with some classmates, an’ I heard him saying something about meeting someone in the spare classroom after class. You know, the empty one where the janitor keeps all his stuff in the back?”
“Yes?”
“And it was a girl. Not a guy, a girl. You’re not, you know, surprised or anything?”
“Hmmm. Since I no longer believe in cooties, if I ever did… no, not terribly.”
“Bah. You’re no fun. I mean, I just about busted an eyeball when she walked in.”
“You were there?”
“Well, yeah. In, you know. The broom closet. Did you know that someone punched the lock out? You can see right through the hole.”
“…does it beg the question to ask why?”
“C’mon, Yuushi. I don’t think even Ootori’d believe that Hiyoshi was straight without some proof.”
“You could have done something much less… elaborate. Truth or dare, maybe?”
“Hiyoshi’s boring. He won’t ever play. Besides, who ever actually tells the truth during Truth or Dare, anyway?”
“Mmmhmm. I see. Of course. Tell me-who did you make a bet with?”
“…what do you mean? What bet?”
“Well, the only other reason you would care about his sexual orientation, Gakuto, is that you’ve decided to trade me in for the silent, oblivious, obscurely frigid type… and I would really hate to have to kill the future buchou of Hyoutei’s high school tennis team.”
“…um. Mmm. That’s kind of hot.”
“I will tell Hiyoshi that you think so. The bet?”
“I couldn’t help it-Shishido’s just such an easy target, sometimes.”
“Ah. I see. Because Shishido has all the gaydar of a fangirl in denial.”
“Yeah, seriously, right? I mean, he totally thought Ootori was straight. Well, that’s why I made the bet with him. But he said Piyo-piyo was straight, too-I said no way. I mean, what’re the chances we’d have more than one straight guy on the team?”
“Might I remind you that the statistical norm is that men prefer breasts to balls? And that Hiyoshi would have yours if he heard you calling him Piyo-piyo?”
“You’re as much of a killjoy as Shishido sometimes, you know that?”
“Unlike Shishido, I’m normally right, aren’t I?”
“Hmph. Don’t see why guys like boobs anyway. Who wants stuff jiggling in their face? Maybe that works for guys who don’t play tennis. But… well, I kinda had a bad moment there when she walked in.”
“Hmm? A bad moment? Was she not pretty?”
“I mean, she was kind of pretty. Sorta. Not ugly, I guess. I never really thought about it before. Though her boobs are pretty big, now that you mention it. If you like that kind of thing.”
“How… gay of you, Gakuto. But I can’t argue with you there-there’s no accounting for straight male taste.”
“I guess. But Yuushi…”
“Hmmm?”
“It was Mari.”
“…excuse me?”
“Yeah, I know, right? I almost came running right out of the broom closet to warn the poor bastard that his black belts and all the gekokujou in the world wouldn’t save him if he thought he could handle her… Yuushi? Yuushi, are you-hey! Hey! What’s so goddamned funny?!”
“Ah. Ah-my apologies. But… Mari. You thought that Hiyoshi was arranging some sort of date with Mari. As in, Atobe’s fanclub president. Mari.”
“Well, it’d be a gekokujou kind of thing, wouldn’t it, stealing her away from Atobe?”
“…Atobe is the one and only person in all of Hyoutei who actually believes that Mari is in any way his, Gakuto. But… I can see how that would make sense.”
“’Zactly. What better way to bunch up Atobe’s briefs, right? And the two of them were, you know, sitting together! And laughing! Have you ever seen Hiyoshi actually laugh?! It’s weird! Though did you know she’s really good at English?”
“She would be-she’s from Hawaii. I’m glad Hiyoshi finally agreed to get some tutoring, though. He has been doing very badly in English, and I think he’s in danger of suspension from the team if he doesn’t do well on his test on Friday.”
“…you mean she seriously was tutoring him? They’re not… well, I thought it was weird, but they’re really not… you know, I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I thought it didn’t look anything like foreplay. What do I know about straight guys, though? Huh.”
“Foreplay?”
“…Yuushi? You okay?”
“Foreplay? Gakuto, you actually thought that Hiyoshi… and… Mari… in a spare classroom?!”
“Why not? We have.”
“Of course, but it seems somewhat more… sordid when you mention it in the same breath as Hiyoshi Wakashi and Taira Mari. And not entirely in a good way.”
“You weirdo. I told you, I didn’t know it was going to be Mari.”
“I was more wondering how you imagined it of Hiyoshi, actually.”
“Well, he’s a guy, right? He’s got to have, you know, needs somewhere. And it’s what I would do if I didn’t live in an apartment with you. I mean, can you just imagine taking someone home for sex? With parental units in room radius? Guh! Just the thought makes my balls want to crawl back into my body.”
“Thank you for that image. I take it that they, however, did not give you a show.”
“He kinda reached out like he was gonna brush her hair behind her ear for a second, but… nah. They just walked off together.”
“Disappointed?”
“Ew. I’ve seen porn, you know. Het people smutting is squidgy and gross. Could’ve sworn… oh, well. I guess this means I don’t have to pay up to Shishido, though, huh?”
“No, I don’t think so. If your categorical proof for Hiyoshi being straight is him having sex with a girl, I suspect that none of us will actually know for awhile, though.”
“No? Really? Then how… I mean, he’s, what, sixteen? How does he make it through the day without pitching tent, if he’s not getting any?!”
“I have my suspicions, but I don’t think you should ask him. I’m sure a black belt with a gekokujou complex can do a fair amount of damage, when he wants to.”
“Ha. Ha. I figured that one out myself, thanks.”
“Mmm. Though… my, that is an extraordinary patch of bruises. A little… excessive, for catching you in the closet peeping on a tutoring session, don’t you think?”
“I’m not dumb enough to get caught.”
“I didn’t think you were. You know, these are going to be impressive tomorrow.”
“Ow! Yuushi, don’t poke. Well, how was I supposed to know that she was tutoring him?! I figured that they had some kind of thing going on. You know, an agreement. Fuckbuddies, maybe. Mari’s pretty smart, right, I’m sure she could have figured out someplace more private than a classroom for them to play around some.”
“…Mukahi Gakuto, exactly what did you do?”
“It was just a question! He just… freaked. Stupid Piyo-piyo.”
“Mmm-hmmm…”
“I’m serious! Don't look at me like that. It wasn’t a big deal. You know how they say girls are self-lubricating? I mean, it’s unfair enough that they can get fucked up the ass, too, but… you know?”
“I’m the one who told you that, so… yes. What does that have to do with… oh. No. Gakuto, you didn’t.”
“It’s not that I didn’t believe you, but c’mon, Yuushi, you haven’t had sex with a girl in, like, centuries. I figured he’d know for sure! How’re you supposed to know if you don’t ask, right? And the next thing I knew, he had me up against the wall by my neck, the bastard!”
“Mmhmm. And is that all you said before you were, ah, wall-flung, as it were?”
“Well, he was kind of just giving me that blank, weird look he gives the team sometimes, and he asked why in the name of all the gods would I ask him such a thing. Just those words, too. All I said was, ‘Well, you know, you and Mari,’ and then wham!”
“…”
“I don’t get why he got so mad! Yuushi? Hey, I’m the injured party here!”
“……"
"Damn it, say something!"
"You realise that if Hiyoshi proceeds to fail English and gets dropped from the tennis club, it will be entirely your fault?"
“It was an honest mistake! Yuushi, you jerk, if you don’t stop laughing, you’re getting zero ass for a month!”
“Empty threats, Gakuto?”
“I’ll do it!”
“No, you won’t.”
“Oh, yeah? You think you’re so smart. Just you watch. We’ll see how much you like walking around pitching tent.”
“You won’t. I suspect Mari would find this conversation quite as… fascinating… as Hiyoshi found your question, and that her idea of retaliation would leave scars where no-one could see them. After all, you’re already on her hit list for having, ah, improved her skirts.”
“Oh, my God. Yuushi! That’s blackmail!”
“Of course it is.”
“And you were the one who figured out how to get her skirts so I could sew them up!”
“I was indeed.”
“…I knew I should have traded you in when I had the chance.”
“Hmmm.”
“…goddamn it. Stop smiling like that. It’s so unfair. You’re hot when you’re being a smart-ass.”
“I know.”
“Fuck you, Yuushi.”
“Is that an invitation?”
“…kinda, yeah.”
“All you ever have to do is ask, Gakuto. Spare classroom?”
“I knew there was a reason I stuck with you. Oh… wait up, wait up.”
“Why?”
“Broom closet? No lock? Possibly peepers inside?”
“You mean you actually care?”
“No, just so you’d know to face towards it, not away. Mmm-mmm, race you there!”
~owari~
Start: June 14, 2007
End: June 16, 2007
Canon Coping Methods? Who knows? But everyone needs a little crack sometimes. ^^;