ALSO.

[sinsense]

I have been grading essays all damn day. As per usual when I have been grading all day, I have Opinions on what one should and should not do when writing a paper.

There are a few irksome things that are consistent from high school to basic college composition to English major surveys:

• Please don't use "throughout history" or equivalent phrases to begin your essays.
  • You can't actually prove that.
    
  • Frequently you're taking a Western, predominantly white viewpoint when you assert those kinds of statements.
    
  • Sometimes it leads to gems like "Since the beginning of the human race, man has enjoyed television."
    
  • You have NO IDEA how often your teacher has read that phrase.
• You might want to avoid beginning with a quotation, too.
  
• Speaking of quotations, check a reliable citation website when you are proofreading your paper.
  • If you are citing in MLA format, the correct in-text citation goes something like this: "Here is a quotation" (Author 35). Note that the period goes after the closing parenthesis, and that there's no comma between the author's last name and the page number.
    
  • If you are citing something that has "quotations" within the quotation, use single apostrophes. For example, "If you are citing something that has 'quotations' within the quotation, use single apostrophes."
• Speaking of when you proofread your paper, PROOFREAD YOUR PAPER. Nothing screams "I finished this just before class" like simple mistakes that would have been caught by one read-through. Don't trust your spellchecker; you might have typed "beginning" as "begging," which the spellchecker wouldn't have caught. If you are too bleary-eyed to read your own work, have a bad habit of missing your own mistakes, or are dyslexic/otherwise learning-disabled, get someone else to look over it.
  
• If you are looking for a formula to guide your writing, try what I call "the paragraph method." Your thesis sentence(s), placed together with your topic sentences, should read like a straightforward paragraph.
  • If your topic sentences don't relate to your thesis, rewrite them.
    
  • If you don't have topic sentences, write some.
    
  • If you don't have a thesis, write one, for the love of piddling penguins.
    
  • Yes, I know that more talented writers do not use this formula, or topic sentences, or even an easily-located thesis. If you are still in college, you can probably stand to go back to basics. If it is a five to ten page paper (1000-2000 words), structure can only help you.
• In an ideal world, your thesis will make your reader raise her eyebrows, go "huh," or go "no way." Again ideally, by the end of the paper your reader will have changed her tune, and will be most impressed with your derring-do and analytical abilities.
  • If your thesis makes your reader shrug and say "okay, I guess," then it's not argumentative enough.
    
  • BE SPECIFIC. Don't try to skate by on generalities. If your paper is on self-representation in autobiographies from the twentieth century, avoid saying, "[So and So] represents themselves very differently from [Such and Such]," or "[So and So] does [this], while [Such and Such] does [that]. They both represent themselves as individuals in society."
    
  • Make sure your reader can find your thesis. Most teachers look for it at the beginning of the introduction paragraph(s). It's okay to be a wild and crazy individual and put it elsewhere, but if you do, make sure that your argument is clear and obvious. One way to check this out is to have a friend read your introduction and underline the sentence(s) they think best represent an argument.
• Your teacher is probably an experienced student, especially if you are a college student. Therefore, they can spot bullshit and page-inflation from fifty paces. I would generally advise you to stop trying.
  
• Sometimes good close reading feels like bullshitting. This is why college students sometimes say, "I bullshitted that whole paper, and I got an A!"
  • Top tip: never say that where an English teacher can hear you, it makes us grade harder and hate the world.
• The way to tell the difference is that close reading always relates back to the text, and advances your main point. You might feel like you're inventing something when you write that John Smith uses language in such a way that the settlers form a part of his composite body; however, because Smith represents the actions of the group as being done by himself, and because your argument is about communal versus individual self-representation, it is not actually invention. That "I must be bullshitting" feeling is your creative faculty making out with your analytical faculty.
  
• Stop using the thesaurus function on Microsoft Word. As the old adage goes, use it to remind yourself of a word you've forgotten, but never to discover a new word. When I finish a paper, I read it over to look for repetitive word use. Repetition is the only time I will turn to the thesaurus.
  
• Use the word "also" sparingly. It generally indicates a lack of organization. How are the two points you're connecting related? Asking yourself can push your analysis further, or force you to take out an irrelevant point.

I think that's it. Okay, back to grading! Side note: the next essay on my pile begins, "Representing oneself has been an inherent aspect of literature for as long as writing has served as a legitimate medium." THROUGHOUT HISTORY I HAVE WANTED TO STAB MYSELF IN THE FACE.

EDIT: Pro has told me that I should make it clear that I'm not actually upset. I love grading, papers, and students. Whenever I bitch, I'm actually giggling wildly as I type.