Fic: Held and Holding (2/2).
Held and Holding continued.
[ part one]
---
Jepha wakes up when Dan says, "Hey, Jepha." Jepha tries to sit up, but something's holding his chin down. "Don't sit up too fast," Dan continues, laughter in his voice, and Jepha opens his eyes. Dan's hand is on his chin. "You've been sleeping with your head on the back of the couch," Dan tells him, and the pressure on his chin lets up a little bit. Jepha raises his head an inch or so before Dan's hand stops him again. Dan slips his other hand in under his neck, cupping the back of it, and he eases Jepha's head forward, getting him upright.
"Thanks," Jepha says. His voice is froggy, but that's the least of his problems. He crosses his arms over his lap and leans forward a little.
"Don't want you getting a crick," Dan says.
"I have to go," Jepha answers, desperately. He struggles up off of the couch, tilting his hips away from Dan. He nearly stumbles when he finally gets up. "Whoops. Okay, yeah, I'm going to take a nap, hey?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, just tired." Dan catches his wrist before he can get to the stairs, and he holds tighter when Jepha tugs. Jepha closes his eyes. His dick feels like it's fucking folded up in his jeans. "You know what we talked about?" he asks, finally.
Dan blinks, and Jepha watches comprehension dawn on his face. "Oh," he says. Jepha waits, but Dan doesn't let go of his wrist. "So this?" he asks instead, tugging on Jepha's arm. Jepha swallows and nods. "Oh. More of a restraint thing."
"Loss of control thing," Jepha says.
"Huh," Dan says. He lets go of Jepha's wrist, and makes a chirping sound. Jepha gives his own half-hearted chirp back, and finally escapes up the stairs.
---
Jepha thinks that's it, then, that he's finally shoved Dan into the same category as Bert and Quinn. Jepha's still going to use Dan as jerk-off material, of course he is -- he got over his guilt about that about fifteen orgasms ago -- but now Dan really should understand, and Jepha's little thing will have a chance to fade.
But Dan, it seems, doesn't quite get the picture yet.
Jepha's scrawling something on the dry erase board in the kitchen when Dan comes up behind him. Dan's a reasonable distance away, reading over Jepha's shoulder -- nearly over Jepha's head -- and making thoughtful noises. Dan takes a step closer, though, and he's nearly pressed against Jepha's back. Dan curls his fingers around Jepha's hip, and before Jepha can say anything, Dan's grabbed his hand and started writing something completely different. Jepha watches Dan move his hand, and he swallows.
When Dan's finished scrawling DAN RULES in wobbly letters, he finally registers how Jepha has frozen in front of him. "Oh," Dan says, sounding genuinely surprised. "You meant like that? Restrained like that?"
"Something like that," Jepha manages. Jepha smudges out RULES with the side of his fist and writes FUCKED A DONKEY instead, and the tension's gone.
Those moments keep happening, though. Dan puts his hand on the small of Jepha's back when they're leaving the house, guiding him out the door. Dan tells Jepha he has to eat something before they jam, and stonewalls Jepha into doing it. Dan physically lifts Jepha out of the way, when Jepha's standing in front of him at the refrigerator.
Every time, Dan seems slightly surprised when he realizes that Jepha's affected. Not shocked, not horrified. He just blinks, and says, "Oh, like that?" Jepha says yes, feeling weird and embarrassed, and Dan shrugs it off and moves on to the next subject. It isn't uncomfortable, not really, but it isn't helping Jepha get over his thing. It's kind of making it worse.
It's Dan's way of showing affection, Jepha knows that. Dan being so affectionate is good; it's a sign that Dan is adjusting to being in their band, finding his place with them. It can't be intentional, what Dan's doing, Jepha knows this. Dan is used to moving things around physically in order to get things that he wants.
The real problem is hard to admit, if only because the problem is Jepha himself. It was easier before, because his body was reacting to roughhousing in a sexy way. That happens. It's a little embarrassing, maybe weird to bring up this time, but it's not that bad.
With this stuff, though, it's his brain. It's not just his dick getting hard, it's-- it's like Jepha's brain is mistaking Dan for a boyfriend. When Dan wraps his arms around Jepha and holds Jepha back from chasing after Bert, Jepha wants to tilt his head back, be kissed, murmur something dirty and quiet against Dan's mouth.
So now Jepha's not only jerking off like he's fourteen years old all over again. Now he's mooning over Dan like he used to over the camp counselor who made him eat his vegetables. It's fucking pathetic. It makes Jepha feel like a moron.
---
It all finally comes to a head a while after they've had their talk. Jepha helps Quinn freeze all of Dan's flip-flops in bags of slush -- it's actually more awesome than Jepha expects it to be, especially when Quinn tints the isopropyl alcohol blue -- and when Dan finds out that Jepha was part of it, he comes after Jepha and tries to wrestle him. Jepha's laughing about it, trying to stamp on Dan's (wet, artificially blue) feet, when Dan gets hold of one of Jepha's wrists and twists it up behind Jepha's back. Dan slams him up against the living room wall, and Jepha's breath leaves him in a quick whoosh.
Bert is laughing behind them, singing insults and voicing encouragement from Zelda, but Jepha can barely hear him. His blood is pounding in his ears, and his head is swimming. He struggles, goes limp. And then, fuck, then his stupid traitorous hips push back. His teeth part over his lips in a silent snarl, but he's still-- Jepha's still practically presenting himself to get fucked. Jepha's face flushes with shame.
"Oh," Dan says, still fucking calm, his voice teasing. "Oh, you mean like that."
"Fuck off," Jepha says. He struggles harder. Dan lets him go, and Jepha overbalances. He flails backwards for a moment, almost falling over, but Dan catches him by his shoulders.
Jepha tries to twist away, but Dan slides an arm around Jepha's chest and says, "Whoa, whoa. Calm down."
"Fuck off," Jepha repeats, but he relaxes. Dan lets him go a breath later.
"I have to go," Jepha says. Bert's catcalls follow him up the stairs to his room.
Jepha locks the door to his room and sits on his bed, hands over his face. "You are not a complete idiot," Jepha reminds himself, mumbling into his hands. He refuses to touch his fucking dick. "Calm the fuck down."
After a beat, he adds, "Fucking goddammit to hell." Jepha flops back on the bed and rubs his face before he takes his hands away. He spreads them out on either side of himself, focusing on the feeling of the bedspread under his fingers, instead of the throb of his pulse in his dick.
What the fuck is Dan doing, anyway? Jepha's pathetic, sure, but Dan seems to be getting a kick out of how stupid Jepha is for him. For a second there, it had sounded like Dan was mocking Jepha and his stupid crush. It's not fair, Jepha thinks petulantly.
Probably it's because Dan thinks it's a joke, like this is something he can tease Jepha about. Which is horseshit, because Jepha has already embarrassed himself pretty thoroughly explaining that no, this is who he is, this is what he likes to do. It's actually pretty shitty that Dan thinks that he can tease Jepha about that. Dan's a good guy, but that's not okay. That's really not cool.
Jepha sits back up. He thinks about it for a second longer. Then he pushes himself to his feet, and leaves the room in search of Dan again. Jepha finds him still in the kitchen. Bert seems to have taken off for somewhere else in the house.
"Being submissive isn't a joke to me, okay?" Jepha says, fast as he can, pitching his voice low so that Bert won't hear him if he's still nearby. "You need to stop teasing me about it. It's not funny."
Dan is just looking at him, eyebrows raised, and Jepha loses some of his momentum. "It's really not cool," Jepha says awkwardly, "Treating my-- that stuff as a joke."
"Wait," Dan says. He reaches out and catches Jepha's arm before Jepha can leave, sliding his hand down until he's clasping Jepha's wrist. "I thought you said-- are you mad about me pushing you around and stuff?"
"Yeah, that stuff," Jepha says, looking away. "Like this, holding my wrist," he adds, shaking his arm.
Dan doesn't let go. "You said this stuff is like flirting for you," he says, and tightens his hand.
"Yeah," Jepha says, dragging out the word.
"Okay. Okay, good," Dan says, smiling. He holds Jepha's wrist for a beat longer, then finally, finally lets it go.
Jepha looks down at his wrist, then back up at Dan's face. "You're flirting," Jepha says, his voice quavering up into a question at the end.
"Yup," Dan says. Jepha waits for a breath, then another, but Dan doesn't clarify.
"Okay," Jepha says faintly. He hesitates, and then turns and leaves again.
---
It's one thing for Jepha to jerk off thinking about their drummer. It might be a little weird, but it's kosher; Jepha isn't endangering his band if he's thinking about what Dan could do to him.
It's another thing entirely to know that Dan has been flirting with Jepha. That they could maybe do some of the things that Jepha has been thinking about, and that it could become a real thing. A Behind the Music kind of thing, Jepha thinks. He makes a sour face into his pillow. A fiery deathtrap kind of thing.
Dan jerks off a whole hell of a lot. Jepha's even seen the porn Dan watches. Jepha could probably come up with what Dan has been thinking about, if Dan has been jerking off thinking about Jepha. That starts Jepha's stomach clutching and rolling, to think about himself in Dan's mind, see himself the way Dan might imagine him, to--
Jepha won't think about that, though.
He wavers between ignoring the problem and telling Dan that they need to knock it off for the sake of the band. Ignoring it would mean that Jepha could avoid turning it into a big fucking deal, which he likes; Jepha, for all that he worries, is a stoner at heart. He's pretty sure that Dan will keep flirting with Jepha if Jepha ignores it, though, and Jepha's pretty sure he's not that strong. Eventually Jepha knows he would do something stupid, like pre-lube his ass and "accidentally" fall on Dan's cock.
Telling Dan to knock it off for the sake of the band is more of a pain in the ass. The idea of doing it makes Jepha sweat a little. Still, in the long term it's probably the better option. It means they won't fuck up the band any more than it already is, and it gives Jepha the chance to be a martyr. Jepha's always thought that he would make a good St. Sebastian.
When Jepha finally sacks up and decides to do it, he finds Dan and Quinn smoking up in the back yard. "Hey, assholes," Jepha says. He knows the fourth lawn chair is up in the tree in the front yard, but-- "Hey, where's the third chair?"
"Ate it," Quinn says, and then takes a hit.
"Burned it," Dan offers. It does smell a little like burnt plastic out in the yard, Jepha realizes. "Offering to the gods," Dan adds, as an explanation. Jepha nods absently.
They're using Dan's Five-Hit Wonder to smoke. It's a pretty bottle-green pipe, and Jepha can't resist; he holds his hands out for it when Dan's done sucking down smoke. Dan holds it close to his chest, shaking his head.
Jepha frowns. "Give it," he insists. Dan chokes, snorts, and finally exhales. The smoke hangs between them. Dan gestures him closer, and Jepha takes a step, then sits on the end of the lawn chair. "Fuck you, give it," Jepha says, but he's already giggling a little; Dan is making a stupid fucking face, half pout and half leer.
"No making out around me yet," Quinn says.
Jepha blinks. "Yet?" he asks.
"I told him I want to bone you," Dan says languidly.
Jepha opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. "Give me a hit," he says.
Dan holds out the pipe, but won't let Jepha take it out of his hand. Jepha has to lean in and put his mouth on the end instead, letting Dan dictate the hit for him. Jepha holds his breath afterwards for as long as he can afterwards, trying to buy himself time. When he finally lets it out, his breath is too short, and he has to lean over and cough for a while before he can talk. "Fuck," Jepha croaks. "Who says I want to bone him?"
"Moron," Quinn says. He closes his eyes.
"What?" Jepha asks. "Fuck you, he's got frog eyes." Dan just smirks and offers Jepha the pipe again. Jepha leans in and dutifully takes a second hit. He kicks the bowl, and Dan taps it out on the side of the chair before he starts packing it again, balancing it on his stomach while he fiddles with the plastic bag of bud.
"It's bad for the band," Jepha tells Quinn, "Stevie Nicks taught me that."
"Tilla laaand-slide bringit dahhhn," Quinn honks, right on cue.
Dan starts giggling. His stomach shakes, and the pipe almost falls off. Jepha reaches out and holds it still, and Dan shoots him a quick, grateful look. They've already broken two pipes and a bong, just in the past three months. Jepha grins at him, quick, and pats his stomach before he lets go of the pipe.
Jepha looks back at Quinn, and finds Quinn squinting at him. "Yeah, sure, 'frog eyes,'" Quinn says derisively, and Jepha can feel his face heating up.
"It's cool, me and Quinn worked it out," Dan says, gesturing with the packed pipe, "If we get all stupid, we have to answer to them." He passes the pipe and lighter to Quinn. "And they get to imitate anything they overhear."
Quinn nods. He holds the hit he's taken for a long moment, and says, "Them's the terms" on his exhale. Dan holds the pipe towards Jepha, and Jepha dips his head to it. He flicks up his eyes to look at Dan while he's sucking the flame down into the bowl, and Dan gives him a little lopsided smile.
"I'm going to fuck you for hours," Dan tells Jepha happily, and he and Quinn giggle while Jepha chokes on the smoke he was trying to hold. "At least two. Maybe three. You'll have to shit in a bag, after."
"Oh yeah, colostomy bags get me hot," Jepha sneers, but he finally crawls up the last little bit of the lawn chair to lean on Dan's chest. Dan brings his arms up, giving Jepha the chance to take another hit.
Jepha's feeling a little dizzy, after that. He closes his eyes and listens to Dan's heartbeat, to Quinn's usual bitching about any and everything. Dan's hand is warm and solid on his back, and Jepha-- Jepha feels pretty good.
---
Three days later, Jepha puts a sheet of paper on the kitchen table, sits down, and adjusts the angle of his chair. He takes a deep breath. "So," he begins. "What do you like?"
Dan grins at him. He's got his knees splayed apart, one hand resting on the inside of his thigh. Jepha clears his throat and looks away. "I could make you a list," Dan says. He scoots closer to Jepha. Jepha ducks his head down and smiles at his knees.
"This is serious," Jepha says. Dan nods.
"These are my serious pants," Dan says, pointing to his knee. "Tell me what you like."
"Being tied up," Jepha starts, "I made a list of what I've done. Sometimes I like being hit - here's the list of things I'm okay with being hit with," he says. Dan leans over to look at the list he's pointed at. "And then these are the ones I don't like."
"Okay," Dan says.
"I like breath stuff, but--" He looks over, and Dan is making a face. "Yeah, most people won't do it."
"It's not safe."
"No," Jepha says, with a shrug.
"I like spanking," Dan says. His breath is warm on Jepha's shoulder, even through Jepha's t-shirt. "I really like it, a whole lot." Jepha shivers, but his face is heating up. "I've done some rope stuff."
"Really," Jepha says. He clears his throat. Dan touches the small of Jepha's back, and Jepha almost jumps.
"Yeah. Ex-girlfriend liked it, so I learned," Dan says. Jepha nods dumbly. "I also really like kissing."
"Serious pants," Jepha says.
Dan laughs. Jepha can't help but grin back. Dan says, "I'll give you my list, you give me yours, and we'll talk about it, I promise. Before we do anything crazy, we'll talk about it." Jepha gives him a slightly doubtful look, but he doesn't move away when Dan leans in. Dan makes one of his menagerie of noises, and he dips his head to kiss Jepha.
Dan's more teasing than Jepha expected. It's open-mouthed almost right away, but Dan barely uses his tongue at first, only dipping in and coaxing Jepha out. Jepha leans forward, following eagerly. Dan slides his hands down to Jepha's hips, urges him up and off of his chair, and Jepha moves. He doesn't stop kissing Dan; he shoves his hands into Dan's hair, and manages to keep their mouths connected. He settles down straddling Dan's lap.
"Gross," Jepha hears Bert say. Dan turns his head. Jepha lips at Dan's chin, drags his mouth over and sucks gently at his earlobe.
"And unnatural," Dan agrees, but his voice is gratifyingly high and breathy. "Forgot your book?"
"Yeah." There's a beat, and then Bert says "Gross!" again, before he leaves.
Jepha finishes tracing the whorls of Dan's ear with the tip of his tongue and giggles. "That's practically an endorsement," Jepha whispers, tipping his head to rest against Dan's. He feels Dan's grin against his cheek.
Dan turns his head, his chin rasping over Jepha's, and brings their mouths together again. Jepha rocks as much as he can in Dan's lap. He has to point his toes to make enough contact with the floor, and his calves protest slightly when he tries to get a rhythm going. He feels Dan's hands slide down from his waist to cup under his ass. Jepha expects that Dan's going to give him some assistance in shifting back and forth. Instead, Jepha is jostled when Dan stands up, pushing Jepha off his lap. Jepha doesn't get a chance to complain, though; Dan just laughs into Jepha's mouth and keeps kissing him, guiding him over to the stairs.
Jepha's shoulder bangs gently into something, and he feels his hair brush against something else. He keeps his fingers clenched in Dan's hoodie, though, follows him blindly, and they manage to get up the stairs without falling. Dan nudges Jepha down the hallway, and finally they're in Dan's room. Jepha sits down onto the bed. It's Dan's bed, he realizes, Dan's bed that was Branden's bed. Dan's on him before Jepha can really consider that too closely, and Jepha thinks fuck it fuck it and just thinks about Dan's tongue and lips, Dan's teeth closing sharp on Jepha's bottom lip.
Dan isn't rushed, no matter how much Jepha twists up against him. He's just relentless, pushing his hips forward and down, grinding into Jepha. He's got one hand on Jepha's shoulder, pressing him down into the bed, and the other is still on Jepha's ass, positioning him.
"Fuck," Jepha gasps out, tearing his mouth away from Dan's. "Clothes."
"Clothes?"
"Clothes," Jepha repeats, scrabbling his fingers at Dan's shirt hem.
Dan catches Jepha's hands and shifts his weight to pin them against the bed, then to shove Jepha's shirt up and off of his wrists. Dan gets Jepha's jeans most of the way off, then stops. "Keep your hands there," he says, or states really. He lets go of Jepha's wrists, and Jepha stays.
Dan works off Jepha's jeans and underwear, and then tugs off his own clothes. When Dan gets back on the bed, Jepha bends his spine up into a bow, making his ribs stand out underneath his skin. He keeps his hands where Dan left them, his wrists pressed firmly against the mattress. Dan pushes the pad of one thumb up over Jepha's sternum, and Jepha's breath briefly catches in his throat.
Dan isn't the usual sort of handsome, not really. He actually just looks goofy, a little like Gomer Pyle. Dan's got a big chin, rabbit teeth and squinty sort of eyes. His cock is big enough, but Jepha actually isn't that much of a size queen. Jepha shouldn't find Dan that attractive. But he does.
Jepha supposes that it's because all of the parts of Dan's body seem to work together. Everything fits together, and all of it makes Dan look like he was made to solve problems. It makes Jepha want to be a problem that Dan has to put his whole body into solving. Jepha wants Dan to look at him like a fucked up floor pedal, and then go to work on fixing him.
"You really were saving the other ball," Dan says, cocking his head. He runs the pad of his thumb up the inside of Jepha's thigh. Jepha grins at him, and Dan grins back.
Jepha drops his voice into his chest, a joking bass version of his voice. "Daniel Whitesides, have you been imagining me naked?" he asks, pushing his face into a stern expression. Dan cracks up. He's still laughing when he leans down to kiss Jepha again.
"No," Dan says, when they break apart again. "Never."
"Good. I don't want any perverts in this band."
"Tell that to Zelda," Dan says. Jepha fakes a gasp, but he's distracted from joking by Dan finally settling his weight down, pressing Jepha into the bed. Dan's skin is warm and slightly damp against his. Their cocks are rubbing, their balls pressed together. It's a little too dry, but it still feels good. Great, really.
Dan pushes himself up on his elbows and rocks down. They grin at each other, happy and a little breathless, moving together. Jepha shifts his hips up, bending his knees. He feels the urge to laugh, and he presses his smile into the side of his own arm.
It's easy, getting off together. It's easier than Jepha expected, to be rubbing up against Dan, to be laughing and looking at one another. Dan lifts his hips and palms Jepha's dick, then flicks his thumbnail underneath the PA piercing. Jepha grunts, shoves his cock up against Dan's palm, and comes.
"You could fuck me," Jepha says, when he's finally starting to come back down. His arms are still over his head, and he feels loose and easy, relaxed.
Dan shakes his head, hair falling over his smile. "Nah, not yet," he says, "I wouldn't last long enough for it to be fun." He's pushing against Jepha still, the head of his cock sliding over Jepha's thigh, hip, stomach, and dragging back. It feels good, comfortable. Jepha twists his hips up into Dan's next thrust, and Dan drops his head, groans.
Dan lasts longer than Jepha expects him to, but weirdly, Jepha doesn't get bored. He thinks, about what they're doing, about his skin against Dan's, about how this will feel when Dan is fucking him. "Sorry," Dan says, "I always take forever--"
"Shut up," Jepha says. "I like it."
Dan's the one who gets up after he comes. He walks out of the room, naked and splattered with come, and gets a washcloth out of the bathroom next to Jepha's room. Jepha hears the sound of Bert pretending to retch, and Dan saying, "Give me a hug, c'mon, it's just icing." Jepha cracks up laughing. He's still giggling when Dan comes back in.
"Bert wouldn't hug me," Dan says mournfully. He wipes delicately at his stomach, and tosses the washcloth at Jepha.
Jepha catches it haphazardly and swipes it over his skin, scrubbing at a particularly stubborn spot. "I heard," he says. "Come here." Dan climbs back up on the bed, and Jepha drops the washcloth over the side.
"So," Dan says. He drops his head and takes a long sniff of Jepha's neck, for no discernable reason. "What's up?"
"My safe word is 'Utah,'" Jepha tells him. Dan breaks into giggles again.
---
It's the same, after that. Dan still pushes Jepha around and picks him up, but now it really is flirting. It isn't much of a difference; the key thing is that Jepha can giggle and bat his lashes and be the giant girl he so obviously is. Quinn makes fun of them for the PDA, and Bert makes jokes about group sex, but otherwise it's the sort of the same as normal.
Dan leaves Jepha a note in the case for his guitar, maybe a week after they have sex for the first time.
so maybe i'll tie you up tonite y?
Jepha can't help himself; he throws his arms up and says "whoo!" as loud as he can. He can hear Dan laughing all the way upstairs. "Fuck yeah!" Jepha yells.
"Shut the fuck up, asshole!" Quinn yells, somewhere else in the house, but Jepha hears Dan go, "Fuck yeah!" back, and that's all he needs to know.
When Jepha goes to Dan's room, after dinner and a long shower, Dan's sprawled out on his bed, reading a drumming magazine. Jepha comes in and then hesitates, unsure. Dan sits up, folds the magazine, and tosses it down next to the bed. He gets up and comes over to Jepha, grins at him, kisses him, and Jepha relaxes. "Thanks for coming," Dan says, when they break apart.
"Wouldn't be anywhere else," Jepha whispers back. He can feel a blush rising in his cheeks, but luckily Dan moves away after that, going over to his desk.
"So," Dan says, and picks up a thick coil of rope.
"Oh," Jepha says. He's suddenly turned on. He feels like a rabbit watching a snake; he can't seem to take his eyes off of the rope, and he's already practically panting.
"Jeph Jeph Jepha," Dan says. "Pay attention to me."
Jepha finally looks at Dan's face. Dan's grinning goofily, and Jepha can't help but grin back. "So," Dan says again. "I'm going to tie you up, okay?"
"Okay," Jepha says.
"Take off your clothes," Dan says, still sounding cheerful. Jepha just stares at him, and Dan reiterates, "Take off your clothes now." Jepha swallows and pulls up the hem of his shirt over his head.
He's about to drop his shirt on the floor, but he stops. "Should I fold them?" he asks. Dan's lips tilt up.
"Yup," he says.
Jepha folds the shirt, then toes off his shoes and puts them next to the shirt. He takes off his jeans, next, folds them neatly, and puts them on top of his shirt. He balls up his socks and puts them in his shoes, and then stands there, hesitating.
"Those are clothes," Dan laughs, pointing at his underwear.
"I know," Jepha says testily. "God." He pushes them down, steps to the side, and puts them on top of his jeans. When he straightens up, Dan's smirking at him. Jepha puts his shoulders back, refusing to be embarrassed.
Dan laughs and waves with the coil of rope, beckoning him forward. "C'mere," he says, and Jepha walks over to him. "Are you nervous?" he asks. Jepha hesitates, then nods. "Not too nervous, though," Dan says, and taps the rope against the base of Jepha's half-hard cock. Jepha jumps, and Dan laughs again. "Stand still," he says, and separates out the first length of rope.
Dan nudges Jepha's arms until Jepha holds them up and out of the way; he prods Jepha's side, and Jepha turns dutifully, facing away from Dan. Dan loops the rope around him. It's black, and softer than Jepha expected. Dan's doing simple techniques, not shibari knotting, but it still looks good, feels good against Jepha's skin.
Dan puts Jepha in a simple halter arrangement, one that binds his chest and reminds him keeps his back straight. "Grab either elbow," Dan says then, "No, behind your back." Jepha does as he's told, feeling the rope of the halter rub slightly where it lies on his skin.
Dan adjusts Jepha's arms to a comfortable position and ties them together, coiling the rope smooth and soft around Jepha's forearms. He knots the ropes around Jepha's arms to the halter. Then Dan stops, his fingertips running over the rope where it presses against Jepha's back. "How does it feel?" he asks.
"All right."
"You're going to have to be in it for a while," Dan says.
Jepha rolls his shoulders and shifts in place, testing the ropes dutifully, and then. "It's good."
"Okay." Dan tucks his fingers in the back of the halter and says, "Kneel down." Jepha goes to his knees one at a time. Dan says, "Good. Lean forward on your knees."
Jepha glances over his shoulder at Dan, making sure he's serious. Dan frowns. He says, "Now," his voice laced with a warning. Jepha faces forward again.
Basic survival instinct tells Jepha not to lean forward towards the ground when he doesn't have his hands free to catch himself. Even though he wants to obey, Jepha still has to struggle briefly to make himself do it. He finally tips himself down, using the tops of his feet against the ground for leverage, and his knees as the fulcrum. The ropes bite into his skin. Jepha gasps, softly, and he can feel his cock jerk, just a little.
Jepha is suspended for a breath, held up by Dan's hand in the back of the halter. Jepha relaxes as he exhales, body sagging slightly. Dan lowers him to the floor.
"Good," Dan says, and kneels down next to Jepha to knot together Jepha's ankles. After they're secured, Dan says, "I'm hogtying you." The ropes whisper over Jepha's skin, and goosebumps rise on Jepha's arms and his legs. "I'm using a quick release knot, and I've got safety shears in my pocket," Dan continues. He cinches the knot at Jepha's ankles with a sharp jerk. Jepha feels Dan move to the complicated interweaving at the center of Jepha's back.
The halter pulls against his skin. Jepha is raised off of the ground, slowly dragged up. He has no choice but to arch, pulled by the system of knots into a slight bow. "How does that feel?" Dan says, and before Jepha opens his mouth, he continues, "For half an hour, let's say."
"Good," Jepha says. He's been in a lot worse for a lot longer, but he figures it's perfect for a first scene.
Dan lifts Jepha up by the ropes and slips a pillow under Jepha's knees, padding the ground even more. Then Jepha feels Dan's fingers at the back of the halter again. Dan lifts Jepha's shoulders up off of the ground, bringing Jepha up onto his knees. "What--" Jepha starts.
"Quiet," Dan interrupts. Jepha shuts his mouth. "Do you remember your safe word? Nod if you do."
Jepha nods stiffly. There's a tickle at the center of his back as Dan loops another rope through. Dan gets Jepha balanced comfortably, then takes his fingers out from the back of the halter. Jepha wobbles in place. His breath shortens. He's steadied again fairly quickly, though. Dan's hand comes back, a reassuring weight at the top of Jepha's spine. He presses lightly, probably testing his knots. They stay. Dan takes his hand away.
Jepha is left leaning at a slight angle. His weight rests comfortably on his knees, just under his kneecaps, padded by the pillow. The hogtie keeps his body bowed, his hips pressed forward and his back arched. When Dan comes and crouches down in front of him, Jepha can meet Dan's eyes, but it's a little awkward.
Dan tests all of the ropes again, his fingers warm against Jepha's skin, and grins at Jepha. Jepha glares back, wishing he could speak.
"Only fifteen minutes like this," Dan says.
Jepha works his mouth, trying to hold it back. Dan lifts an eyebrow. Jepha says, "Easy."
The slap isn't hard, just surprising. Jepha gasps, but he doesn't move. He can't move, he realizes. His lack of control hits him then, sings through him quickly. It leaves him shuddering. His cock is straining out from his body, rude and obvious.
"Quiet," Dan says, still cheerful even when he's correcting. He smoothes his thumb over Jepha's cheek. "You look good like this," he comments.
Then Dan gets up and goes over to the armchair he has shoved in the corner. Jepha watches him move, stunned. He can't quite believe it at first. After Dan settles himself into the armchair, Jepha says, "Are you kidding?"
Dan sighs, and gets up. Jepha tests the knots, trying to get his hands free, but they hold.
Dan slaps him across the face again. It's a little harder this time, and Jepha's eyes tear up, but his body doesn't move, the ropes holding him steady. Jepha closes his eyes. "Eyes open," Dan says, and Jepha opens them again. "Quiet," Dan says firmly, "You just added a minute." Jepha opens his mouth, but at Dan's warning look he falls silent again, gritting his teeth. "Good," Dan says.
Dan gets up and goes back to the armchair. He slides another magazine off of the desk, and opens it.
Jepha can't move. He wiggles, testing the rope again, even though he knows it's pointless. He pushes against the rope that holds him suspended, but that's just as stable.
Dan turns the page.
There is nothing to look at in Dan's room. Dan has no pictures, no scuff marks on the walls, no mess. There are Jepha's clothes to the side, but after looking at them for a while, even that gets kind of boring.
Jepha stares at Dan after that. He's actually a little pissed off. He's still hard, and it makes him itchy and restless. He's bored, too. Dan flicks his eyes up every once in a while, meeting Jepha's, and smirks. It makes Jepha want to spit. The third time it happens he just does, hocking a wad of saliva and mucus onto the carpet.
Jepha holds his breath for a bare second, shocked by his own disobedience. Dan gets up.
He slaps Jepha hard enough that Jepha would twist to the side, if Dan's other hand weren't holding his chin. Dan switches hands and does the other cheek. Jepha's skin burns, and he knows there are marks rising on his face. He looks up at Dan.
"Can you handle this?" Dan asks, quietly, and Jepha feels a curl of panic in his gut. "I can untie you, if you can't. I won't be mad, just sorry." His hair is falling in his face, but he doesn't push it back. His expression is calm.
Jepha shakes his head, finally. He swallows around the sudden lump in his throat. He wants to say sorry, but he knows he shouldn't. Jepha tries to say it with his eyes, instead.
"Quiet, and no acting up," Dan says. "Can you do that for ten minutes?" His voice is almost condescending. Jepha sets his jaw and nods. "Are you sure?" He's definitely condescending this time. Jepha jerks his head in another nod. "Okay."
Dan goes back to his armchair. Jepha goes back to staring. Jepha's going to make it this time, though. He is.
He ignores the slight ache that's building in his knees; it isn't a real pain, just fatigue from being in the same position. His hair falls in his face, but Jepha ignores it. He focuses on Dan's belt buckle instead, the soft curve of Dan's belly and the way the shirt falls over it.
Jepha feels calmer now, more restful. It's not that he's not turned-on anymore, but it's less important. He lets himself rest on Dan, on what Dan wants; his body isn't his to worry about or control.
When Dan looks up, Jepha meets his eyes calmly, and Dan's response looks more like a smile than a smirk. Dan has made sure that Jepha won't fall. All Jepha has to do is be in the ropes, and Dan will be-- maybe Dan will be proud of him.
Dan gets up. Jepha tracks him as he moves across the room, until Dan's out of Jepha's line of sight. Jepha waits. Dan comes back, with a bottle of water in his hand. "Drink," Dan says, and tips the bottle to his mouth. Jepha opens his mouth and complies, still watching Dan's expression. Water dribbles down his chin. "Good," Dan says. He tips the bottle back. "Do you want more?" Jepha shakes his head, and Dan recaps the bottle and sets it down. He wipes Jepha's chin and throat with the hem of his shirt. "You have five more minutes," he says, and goes back to the armchair.
Time passes. Jepha loses track, of the time and himself. He can feel himself unwinding within the ropes, his body falling loose and relaxed within their hold. When Dan gets up again, Jepha blinks, surprised. "How do you feel?" Dan asks, and then clarifies, "You can talk."
"Okay," Jepha says. He feels distant from his body, from its aches and realities, but he knows it's still there. He concentrates, pressing his lips together, and finally offers, "I think my back might cramp soon."
Dan nods and steps forward, sliding his palm down over the top of Jepha's back and pressing his leg against Jepha's face. Jepha turns his cheek into the warm fabric of Dan's jeans and breathes out, closing his eyes. He feels the slipknot holding him arched give, and he relaxes his back, leaning against the line of Dan's leg.
Jepha takes a deep breath and lets it out, slowly lowering his bound ankles to the floor. His arms are still connected to the suspension rope, though, and it keeps his torso up off of the floor. "I'm going to take you down," Dan says.
Jepha makes a soft noise. "Can I suck you first?" he asks. Dan huffs out a soft laugh and rubs at the spot between Jepha's shoulders again, with just the tips of his fingers. He doesn't answer; he steps away and goes to dig in a drawer of his desk.
When he comes back, Dan's got a couple of condoms in his hand and his keys. He tucks one condom in his pocket, and holds the other one out. Jepha opens his mouth and closes his teeth carefully around the package. Dan bends down and puts his keys in Jepha's hand. "Drop them if you need to stop," he says. "Do you understand?" Jepha nods, and Dan straightens back up.
Dan gets his jeans open and tugs them and his underwear down. He holds out his hand, and Jepha lets him take the condom back. Dan smiles down at Jepha as he strokes the rubber down over his cock.
His cock is just out of reach of Jepha's mouth, but it's close enough that Jepha can smell the sharp scent of his body, layered over with latex. Jepha tries to stretch forward, straining against the ropes. Dan cups his chin, holding him back. "Relax," he says. He waits until Jepha stops pushing. Then he moves forward, resting just the tip of his cock in Jepha's mouth.
The condom tastes like latex, obviously, but Jepha can feel the heat of Dan's cock through the barrier, can smell Dan still, when Dan eases forward. Dan pushes in until he hits the back of Jepha's throat, shifts back, and pushes in again, carefully. Jepha sucks as hard as he can at every inch he can reach. He keeps his eyes open, looking at Dan's skin, the curve of his belly, the hair on his balls and around his cock. Jepha tilts his head up as much as he can to open up his throat; it gives him another inch, and the sight of Dan's pleased, heavy-lidded expression.
Jepha feels utterly calm, even though he's harder than ever, even though his mouth and throat are full, even though Dan could hurt him. He is balanced. He's sure of everything. He's aware of the surfaces of his mouth -- his tongue, the insides of his cheeks, his throat -- in a way that he normally couldn't be. He whimpers, quietly, and Dan's cock jumps in his mouth.
Jepha can feel it when Dan comes, even through the condom; he wants to taste it, even goes so far as to make a thin, wanting noise. Dan ignores it. He pulls out of Jepha's mouth, takes off the condom, and tucks himself back into his jeans. He walks over to the trashcan, drops the condom in, and comes back over.
"I'm going to untie you," he says seriously. Jepha opens his mouth, ready to protest, and Dan says, "Quiet." Jepha closes his mouth. Dan moves to stand behind him, and he stares blankly at the far wall. Jepha feels Dan's fingers in the center of his back, holding him by the halter, and then the whisper of the suspension rope coming out.
Dan lowers Jepha down to the floor, slowly. Jepha's dick presses between his body and the floor. It takes a brief moment of concentration for Jepha to keep himself from thrusting against the floor without permission. Dan unties Jepha's ankles, rubbing them briefly when they're freed. Dan takes his keys out of Jepha's hand, then straddles Jepha's waist to untie his wrists. Finally he takes off the halter, and says, "Okay." Dan shifts down Jepha's body a little, until he's over Jepha's knees, and says, "Turn over."
Jepha turns his body sluggishly. Dan crouches over him, his ass brushing against the skin of Jepha's thighs, and digs the other condom out of his pocket. "I'm going to suck you, now," he says. "No moving." Jepha nods. Dan spits in his palm and jerks Jepha's cock a few times, and Jepha has to open his mouth to free his breath. Dan rolls the condom down, then puts his hands over Jepha's on the floor. He ducks his head down, and opens his mouth around the head of Jepha's cock.
Jepha doesn't move. He breathes, and he shivers. Dan's mouth is hot and wet; he moves smoothly, demanding that Jepha's body give in, and give up.
When Jepha comes, his breath shreds in his throat, and he whispers, "Dan, fuck-- Dan." Dan sucks him through it. He waits until Jepha relaxes back against the ground to lift his hands off of Jepha's. He takes off the condom, gets up and throws it out.
Jepha lies there, still unthinking. Dan comes back with a pair of sweatpants; they're not Jepha's, but Jepha doesn't object. Dan slides the sweats up over Jepha's legs. Jepha lifts his hips and helps Dan pull them up over his ass. "Up," Dan says, and Jepha gets up. "Hey," Dan says, and cups his chin. "What do you feel like doing?"
Jepha opens his mouth. He breathes. He closes his mouth again. He shrugs.
"C'mon," Dan says, voice teasing. Jepha smiles automatically. "Tell me what you feel like doing."
"Tea," Jepha says, finally, "I want some tea. And a nap." He sounds like a little kid, but Dan grins and nods before Jepha can feel too embarrassed. What Jepha really wants is a beer, actually. He knows he shouldn't, though, not when he feels like this.
"I'm going to go get you some tea, okay?" Dan says, and waits until Jepha nods before he leaves.
Jepha stands for a moment longer, confused. He turns to the bed. He wants to just lie down, but he doesn't know if Dan's okay with that. He sits down on the edge of it, instead. He takes deep breaths. He feels blank, and quiet. His mouth keeps curving up at the corners, unbidden.
There's a tap on the door. When Jepha says, "yeah," Dan comes in, juggling a box of Oreos and a couple of cups of tea. "It's your room," Jepha points out, but Dan just grins at him. Dan puts the Oreos and tea down carefully on the side table. He toes off his shoes, and climbs onto the bed. "Is it okay if I nap with you?" he asks solicitously, and Jepha laughs.
"I'm okay. I'm coming out of it," he says.
"You went under pretty hard," Dan says. His voice is light. Jepha looks down at his hands and shrugs. Dan seems to be waiting for him to say something, but Jepha doesn't have anything to say.
"Naptime," he tells Dan. Dan lets him get away with it, getting under the covers and letting Jepha crawl in next to him. He tugs Jepha back against him. Jepha closes his eyes.
He can worry later.
---
Jepha wakes up the next morning.
He stretches luxuriously, feeling it from his fingers all the way down to his feet. Dan's spot next to him is empty, but it's still a little warm when Jepha passes his hand over it. Jepha sits up, dangles his feet over the edge, then leans over and rolls up the cuffs of Dan's sweatpants so that they don't hang over the ends of his feet. He tightens the drawstring just in case, then finally slides off the bed and onto the floor.
When he gets downstairs, Bert's making pancakes. Dan's sprawled at the kitchen isle, and when Jepha walks over to him he tilts his face up for a kiss. Jepha gives it to him. He feels conspicuous, but Bert doesn't comment, just asks, "Strawberries or peaches?"
"Strawberries," Jepha says, and settles at a chair next to Dan.
They have a slow, easy breakfast. Jepha drinks four or five cups of tea and eats three pancakes loaded with fruit. He only leaves to get dressed when Bert starts frying up corned beef hash, and even then it's not really the smell but the feeling that he should probably take a shower.
He rinses off, gets out, wipes down with a towel and walks to his room, humming aimlessly to himself. His stuff is still in Dan's bedroom, so he detours to pick up his clothes and shoes, and to straighten out the bedclothes a little. He crosses the hall into his own bedroom and throws his things on top of his dresser. He flops down on his bed.
He doesn't feel weird. He doesn't.
Jepha leans over the edge of the bed, scrabbles around on the floor, and finds his phone. He scrolls to Branden's name. He hesitates, but then he presses 'send.'
"Hey," Branden says. "Wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon."
"Yeah," Jepha says. He rolls over, onto his side. His hair is wet under his ear, and he takes a quick moment to flick it back.
"So what's up?" Branden asks.
"Nothing. Or, well. I'm sleeping with our new drummer."
Branden is silent for a long, long time. Jepha's opening his mouth to ask if Branden's still there when Branden says, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Of course it's a bad idea," Jepha says irritably. "But he's really low-key, you know? And Quinn and Bert are watching our backs."
"Right," Branden says, disbelief coloring his voice. Jepha sits up, flicking his hair back from his face again and swiping at the few strands that cling stubbornly to his skin. "Like how you guys had Bert's back with the Gerard thing?"
Jepha winces, actually recoiling, even though there's nothing there to recoil from. "You were there just as much as we were," Jepha says. "We couldn't have known--"
"You can't know this time, either," Branden says, interrupting him. Jepha huffs a breath out through his nose, and Branden says, "Like, I guess it could be cool, if it's not serious?"
Like you and I weren't serious, Jepha wants to snap, but there technically wasn't anything between them, nothing like what Dan and he have already done. Jepha stares down at his toes, trying to think of something to say. "It's not that serious," he finally says, and even he can hear the lie in his voice.
"Are you doing-- that stuff?"
"Yeah," Jepha says, feeling heavier already. "Yeah, he tied me up last night."
"Jeph," Branden says, "Jeph, that's pretty serious."
Jepha closes his eyes. His ear is sweating against the screen of his phone, and his skin is prickling with goosebumps. "Maybe," Jepha says, thinking about how he felt in the ropes, how hard he had gone under. "But it could still work out."
"When has something serious worked out for you?" Branden asks. Jepha sucks in a breath. "No, I'm sorry, that wasn't fair," Branden says, quick to soothe. Jepha pulls his knees up and rests his face against them. Branden continues, "But when has something serious between coworkers worked out, you know?"
"Yeah," Jepha says, hating to admit it. "Yeah, I know."
"I'm sorry," Branden says, sounding genuinely miserable. "I'm not, like. I mean."
"I know," Jepha tells him. The worst part is that he does. Branden doesn't want anything from him; he has no vested interest in making Jepha unhappy. Bert and Quinn have a horrible track record when it comes to denying their friends anything they want, even if it's not going to be good for them in the long term. Dan and he aren't supposed to be serious; Dan just told Quinn that he wanted to bone Jepha, not that he wanted a relationship. If Jepha's going to go under like he did -- and he did, he can admit that, he went completely under, the first time through -- he should really be doing it in a relationship. A real one.
"I know," Jepha repeats, but it feels like he's saying something else.
---
Dan is leaning over him, hand sure on Jepha's arms, emphasizing how Jepha can't move. Jepha feels-- he feels confined, if not helpless, and that's usually enough to get him off. Dan's been hitting him, a few solid strokes on his stomach and thighs, and his skin still burns. Jepha smiles at Dan, soft and encouraging.
"You know what?" Dan says. "Utah." Dan stands up, pushing himself off of the bed.
"Wait, what?" Jepha asks.
"I said 'Utah,'" Dan drops the pose to pick up the key on the nightstand. He leans over and unlocks Jepha's wrists from the handcuffs as he talks. "Because if you're not going to be here--"
"I am!" Jepha says, outraged.
"You're not!"
"I so am!" Jepha insists. Dan just points at him, then goes back to uncuffing him. "Fuck you, put me back."
"No. I used the safe word for a reason, you asshole." Dan slaps the key down on the nightstand and puts his hands on his hips, genuinely huffy.
"What, you felt unsafe?" Jepha says, incredulous. "While I was cuffed to the bed?"
"Fuck you," Dan says. He sounds like he does when he's joking around, but he looks serious enough. "I felt like I was going to have to kick the shit out of you to get you to check in to the scene."
"So kick the shit out of me," Jepha says. Dan rolls his eyes. Jepha sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He rubs his face. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm tired?" he offers.
"Whatever," Dan says. He shrugs. "I need to-- I'm going to go."
"Okay," Jepha says, stung.
Dan apparently goes down to the practice room. Jepha can hear him thumping out the bass rhythm when he goes down to the kitchen to get something to eat. Jepha listens to it while he waits for the tea kettle to whistle, the noise getting more and more grating. By the time he escapes back upstairs, he just wants a night with a movie and his dog.
He means to apologize that night, maybe try to make it up to Dan, but he falls asleep with his DVD player and Zelda still on the bed. He doesn't wake up until the morning, and Dan's already out of the house, apparently running errands.
When he comes back, Jepha thinks about trying to catch him, but Dan's carrying bags. Jepha shrugs it off and figures he'll catch Dan when Dan's done unloading all the stuff he bought. Dan heads right upstairs, though, and he doesn't come out again until Bert and Quinn want to jam, later that night.
He's normal, the rest of the night. That's what throws Jepha. Dan acts like everything's normal. He jokes with Jepha, same as he jokes with Bert and Quinn. Jepha bites his lip and tries his best to be normal too. He's quieter than usual, he knows, but he figures he's allowed to have a night off.
It's a pretty good day, anyway, if he takes a long view. They get another song half-done, the rough outline of it sketched out at least. Jepha feels a vague sense of dissatisfaction that night, but he chalks it up to his own weirdness about the scene.
It isn't until three days later that he realizes that Dan is avoiding him. They're hanging out just as much, but it's with Bert and Quinn, or in the practice space, working on music, but Dan is very clearly not talking directly to Jepha about anything, and he's never in the room with Jepha alone.
When Jepha figures it out, he spends a good hour or so wanting to kick Dan's ass. One night when Jepha wasn't on his game, only the second time that they've done anything remotely like a scene, and Dan's ready to tap out. Jepha has to go brush Zelda's hair for an hour, and he's still trembling and annoyed afterwards.
Jepha wants to confront Dan, but he knows he can't. They're trying to write an album, and Jepha can't bring his stupid shit into it. Ideally, Jepha would be able to sidle up to Dan, ask him for another chance, but if he gets shot down he's stuck in a band with the guy. It's exactly the sort of thing Branden was talking about. Jepha hates it when Branden's right.
Predictable or not, Jepha can't help the truth. He gives himself a night to be whiny about it. He avoids the practice room; he leaves his room only to make himself more tea. He cuddles Zelda and whispers to her about how stupid he was. "I knew better," he tells her, "but I did it anyway." It's the story of his life, to be honest. If it normally works out better than this, well, that's just Jepha's good luck.
By the next night, he's back to normal. He takes Zelda out for a long walk, and then he joins the others in the practice room again to keep working on the song. He's really normal this time, really able to joke and laugh with the others. It comes as a surprise when Quinn catches his arm and holds him back in the room.
"I'm playing my stupid card," Quinn says.
"What?" Jepha shakes off Quinn's hand and takes a step back.
"You, Dan, being stupid. I'm telling you." Quinn looks incredibly bored, like he's not spouting complete horseshit.
Jepha says, "Well, talk to Dan about it."
"Right, because you're not involved," Quinn says. Jepha shrugs, and Quinn rolls his eyes. "Look, I know we're all emo or whatever--"
"Don't you use that word--"
"But," Quinn continues, raising his voice, "That doesn't mean the two of you get to mope around the house whenever Dan doesn't spank you right, or whatever."
"I have not been moping," Jepha says.
Quinn raises his eyebrows, but he shrugs. "Okay, fine. You're making Dan mope, quit it."
"He's not moping," Jepha tells Quinn, but Quinn just rolls his eyes again. Jepha squints at him, but Quinn seems to be in earnest. It makes no fucking sense.
Jepha pushes past Quinn, heading up the stairs. Dan's not on the first floor, so Jepha goes up to the second floor to the bedrooms. "Dan?" he calls, and hears Dan answer back from his bedroom.
When he pushes in, Dan's got his computer open on his lap, his feet up on the bed. "Hey," Dan says easily. He meets Jepha's eyes over the edge of his laptop screen. "What's up?"
"Quinn said you were sad?" Jepha says. He takes a hesitant step into the room.
Dan sighs and shuts his computer, shoving it off to the side. Jepha takes another step, within range of the bed, and lets his hand rest on top of the coverlet. "I told Quinn to butt out," Dan says.
"He's a meddling old woman," Jepha tells him. "He can't help it."
"He would make one ugly-ass woman, but I take your point," Dan says.
Dan still hasn't answered Jepha's question, though, so Jepha taps Dan's foot and tries again. "Are you actually sad?" he asks. Dan shrugs. "Wait, why are you sad?"
"Why," Dan says, more a statement of disbelief than a question. "Really, you're asking me why?" Dan's looking out the window by his bed, and his shoulders are relaxed. He's got his hands tucked up into his armpits. It's a lot like how he watches television. His voice hasn't even risen above its usual volume. Jepha has a really hard time believing that this is the posture of someone who is upset.
"Yeah, I'm asking why. I mean, if anyone were going to be pissy, I think it would be me."
"You're the one," Dan says, and points at him. He bites his lip and stops.
Jepha prompts, "I'm the one--"
Dan snaps back, "You're the one who decided we weren't going to do anything anymore."
"What?" Jepha repeats.
"You heard me."
"Okay," Jepha says, "I heard you speaking complete horseshit, though."
Dan sputters. He kicks at Jepha, and Jepha barely gets his hand out of the way. "You weren't there with me," Dan finally gets out. "And I had to use a safe word, for like, the first time in my life, and then you didn't come out and talk to me at all."
"Are you-- wait, are you serious?" Jepha asks, and Dan nods. He's still biting his lip. "Oh. I thought. You said 'whatever,' or whatever," Jepha says, lamely.
"Whatever," Dan echoes.
"Look at me, you asshole," Jepha says. Dan looks over at him, but almost immediately tosses his hair out of his eyes and looks over at the wall.
"Shit," Jepha says. "I didn't. Wait a second, okay?" He sits down on the bed, next to Dan's legs, not touching him yet. "Wow, okay. I thought you were, like, done with me because I sucked in bed."
"You don't suck in bed, dumbass," Dan mutters. "But you were scaring me."
"How?" Jepha says.
"I wanted to hurt you," Dan says. He stops, gnaws on his lip, and laughs mirthlessly. "It was more that I was scaring me, I guess. I wanted you to be there, to stop faking it, and I was afraid I was going to really hurt you. I was getting really pissed."
"Oh," Jepha says, stupidly. He lifts his hand, hesitates, and touches Dan's leg carefully. Dan's lips quirk up at the corner. Jepha still can't see anything sad about Dan's posture, but he's starting to understand that maybe it's there. "I'm sorry," Jepha says. He rubs his fingertips over the fabric of Dan's jeans, slowly. "I was freaking out. Branden said that us getting together was a bad idea, and. I believed him."
"Huh," Dan says, but his lips are tilting into an actual smile.
"What?"
"Just huh," Dan says, and smiles at him. Jepha takes the risk and crawls up the bed. Dan untucks his hands from his armpits and lets Jepha curl up next to him, under one of his arms.
"So I thought. Um," Jepha says, and feels Dan's chest shake with laughter. "Shut up. I thought that maybe what we were doing wasn't serious. And then I went down so hard, that first time, I felt weird."
"Oh," Dan says. His hand squeezes Jepha's shoulder. "Well, whatever, I don't go around banging the bassists in all of my bands. We're doing some fucking freaky shit, you asshole, I was assuming it was serious."
Jepha lets out a long, slow breath, more relieved than he'd like to admit. Dan adds, "Why didn't you ask me, or whatever?"
"I don't know," Jepha says. "I'm dumb." Jepha stops for a moment, considers, and offers, "Maybe you could spank me."
"Really," Dan replies.
"Yeah," Jepha says. He leans his head against Dan's chest, listening to the easy thumping of Dan's heart. "I was being bad, faking it and not talking to you. I bet I should be punished."
"I don't want to do this if you're not up for it," Dan says, but it's not no.
Jepha forges ahead. "I'm up for it," he says, and looks up at Dan. "I just-- wow, we should stop being such dudes about our problems, huh."
"We've got an old woman in the band," Dan says. "Why the fuck would we take care of ourselves?"
Jepha just laughs and presses closer. He closes his eyes and puts his arm around Dan, feeling calmer, contained. "It'll be okay," he murmurs, quiet and a little worn out. Dan just chirps in response.
---
END
---
Thanks for reading. If you have any comments or criticism, you can either comment here or send an email to sinsense at yahoo dot com.
There's probably going to be one or more codas to this, if I'm going to be honest. They'll get linked here if/when they are written.
[ part one]
---
Jepha wakes up when Dan says, "Hey, Jepha." Jepha tries to sit up, but something's holding his chin down. "Don't sit up too fast," Dan continues, laughter in his voice, and Jepha opens his eyes. Dan's hand is on his chin. "You've been sleeping with your head on the back of the couch," Dan tells him, and the pressure on his chin lets up a little bit. Jepha raises his head an inch or so before Dan's hand stops him again. Dan slips his other hand in under his neck, cupping the back of it, and he eases Jepha's head forward, getting him upright.
"Thanks," Jepha says. His voice is froggy, but that's the least of his problems. He crosses his arms over his lap and leans forward a little.
"Don't want you getting a crick," Dan says.
"I have to go," Jepha answers, desperately. He struggles up off of the couch, tilting his hips away from Dan. He nearly stumbles when he finally gets up. "Whoops. Okay, yeah, I'm going to take a nap, hey?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, just tired." Dan catches his wrist before he can get to the stairs, and he holds tighter when Jepha tugs. Jepha closes his eyes. His dick feels like it's fucking folded up in his jeans. "You know what we talked about?" he asks, finally.
Dan blinks, and Jepha watches comprehension dawn on his face. "Oh," he says. Jepha waits, but Dan doesn't let go of his wrist. "So this?" he asks instead, tugging on Jepha's arm. Jepha swallows and nods. "Oh. More of a restraint thing."
"Loss of control thing," Jepha says.
"Huh," Dan says. He lets go of Jepha's wrist, and makes a chirping sound. Jepha gives his own half-hearted chirp back, and finally escapes up the stairs.
---
Jepha thinks that's it, then, that he's finally shoved Dan into the same category as Bert and Quinn. Jepha's still going to use Dan as jerk-off material, of course he is -- he got over his guilt about that about fifteen orgasms ago -- but now Dan really should understand, and Jepha's little thing will have a chance to fade.
But Dan, it seems, doesn't quite get the picture yet.
Jepha's scrawling something on the dry erase board in the kitchen when Dan comes up behind him. Dan's a reasonable distance away, reading over Jepha's shoulder -- nearly over Jepha's head -- and making thoughtful noises. Dan takes a step closer, though, and he's nearly pressed against Jepha's back. Dan curls his fingers around Jepha's hip, and before Jepha can say anything, Dan's grabbed his hand and started writing something completely different. Jepha watches Dan move his hand, and he swallows.
When Dan's finished scrawling DAN RULES in wobbly letters, he finally registers how Jepha has frozen in front of him. "Oh," Dan says, sounding genuinely surprised. "You meant like that? Restrained like that?"
"Something like that," Jepha manages. Jepha smudges out RULES with the side of his fist and writes FUCKED A DONKEY instead, and the tension's gone.
Those moments keep happening, though. Dan puts his hand on the small of Jepha's back when they're leaving the house, guiding him out the door. Dan tells Jepha he has to eat something before they jam, and stonewalls Jepha into doing it. Dan physically lifts Jepha out of the way, when Jepha's standing in front of him at the refrigerator.
Every time, Dan seems slightly surprised when he realizes that Jepha's affected. Not shocked, not horrified. He just blinks, and says, "Oh, like that?" Jepha says yes, feeling weird and embarrassed, and Dan shrugs it off and moves on to the next subject. It isn't uncomfortable, not really, but it isn't helping Jepha get over his thing. It's kind of making it worse.
It's Dan's way of showing affection, Jepha knows that. Dan being so affectionate is good; it's a sign that Dan is adjusting to being in their band, finding his place with them. It can't be intentional, what Dan's doing, Jepha knows this. Dan is used to moving things around physically in order to get things that he wants.
The real problem is hard to admit, if only because the problem is Jepha himself. It was easier before, because his body was reacting to roughhousing in a sexy way. That happens. It's a little embarrassing, maybe weird to bring up this time, but it's not that bad.
With this stuff, though, it's his brain. It's not just his dick getting hard, it's-- it's like Jepha's brain is mistaking Dan for a boyfriend. When Dan wraps his arms around Jepha and holds Jepha back from chasing after Bert, Jepha wants to tilt his head back, be kissed, murmur something dirty and quiet against Dan's mouth.
So now Jepha's not only jerking off like he's fourteen years old all over again. Now he's mooning over Dan like he used to over the camp counselor who made him eat his vegetables. It's fucking pathetic. It makes Jepha feel like a moron.
---
It all finally comes to a head a while after they've had their talk. Jepha helps Quinn freeze all of Dan's flip-flops in bags of slush -- it's actually more awesome than Jepha expects it to be, especially when Quinn tints the isopropyl alcohol blue -- and when Dan finds out that Jepha was part of it, he comes after Jepha and tries to wrestle him. Jepha's laughing about it, trying to stamp on Dan's (wet, artificially blue) feet, when Dan gets hold of one of Jepha's wrists and twists it up behind Jepha's back. Dan slams him up against the living room wall, and Jepha's breath leaves him in a quick whoosh.
Bert is laughing behind them, singing insults and voicing encouragement from Zelda, but Jepha can barely hear him. His blood is pounding in his ears, and his head is swimming. He struggles, goes limp. And then, fuck, then his stupid traitorous hips push back. His teeth part over his lips in a silent snarl, but he's still-- Jepha's still practically presenting himself to get fucked. Jepha's face flushes with shame.
"Oh," Dan says, still fucking calm, his voice teasing. "Oh, you mean like that."
"Fuck off," Jepha says. He struggles harder. Dan lets him go, and Jepha overbalances. He flails backwards for a moment, almost falling over, but Dan catches him by his shoulders.
Jepha tries to twist away, but Dan slides an arm around Jepha's chest and says, "Whoa, whoa. Calm down."
"Fuck off," Jepha repeats, but he relaxes. Dan lets him go a breath later.
"I have to go," Jepha says. Bert's catcalls follow him up the stairs to his room.
Jepha locks the door to his room and sits on his bed, hands over his face. "You are not a complete idiot," Jepha reminds himself, mumbling into his hands. He refuses to touch his fucking dick. "Calm the fuck down."
After a beat, he adds, "Fucking goddammit to hell." Jepha flops back on the bed and rubs his face before he takes his hands away. He spreads them out on either side of himself, focusing on the feeling of the bedspread under his fingers, instead of the throb of his pulse in his dick.
What the fuck is Dan doing, anyway? Jepha's pathetic, sure, but Dan seems to be getting a kick out of how stupid Jepha is for him. For a second there, it had sounded like Dan was mocking Jepha and his stupid crush. It's not fair, Jepha thinks petulantly.
Probably it's because Dan thinks it's a joke, like this is something he can tease Jepha about. Which is horseshit, because Jepha has already embarrassed himself pretty thoroughly explaining that no, this is who he is, this is what he likes to do. It's actually pretty shitty that Dan thinks that he can tease Jepha about that. Dan's a good guy, but that's not okay. That's really not cool.
Jepha sits back up. He thinks about it for a second longer. Then he pushes himself to his feet, and leaves the room in search of Dan again. Jepha finds him still in the kitchen. Bert seems to have taken off for somewhere else in the house.
"Being submissive isn't a joke to me, okay?" Jepha says, fast as he can, pitching his voice low so that Bert won't hear him if he's still nearby. "You need to stop teasing me about it. It's not funny."
Dan is just looking at him, eyebrows raised, and Jepha loses some of his momentum. "It's really not cool," Jepha says awkwardly, "Treating my-- that stuff as a joke."
"Wait," Dan says. He reaches out and catches Jepha's arm before Jepha can leave, sliding his hand down until he's clasping Jepha's wrist. "I thought you said-- are you mad about me pushing you around and stuff?"
"Yeah, that stuff," Jepha says, looking away. "Like this, holding my wrist," he adds, shaking his arm.
Dan doesn't let go. "You said this stuff is like flirting for you," he says, and tightens his hand.
"Yeah," Jepha says, dragging out the word.
"Okay. Okay, good," Dan says, smiling. He holds Jepha's wrist for a beat longer, then finally, finally lets it go.
Jepha looks down at his wrist, then back up at Dan's face. "You're flirting," Jepha says, his voice quavering up into a question at the end.
"Yup," Dan says. Jepha waits for a breath, then another, but Dan doesn't clarify.
"Okay," Jepha says faintly. He hesitates, and then turns and leaves again.
---
It's one thing for Jepha to jerk off thinking about their drummer. It might be a little weird, but it's kosher; Jepha isn't endangering his band if he's thinking about what Dan could do to him.
It's another thing entirely to know that Dan has been flirting with Jepha. That they could maybe do some of the things that Jepha has been thinking about, and that it could become a real thing. A Behind the Music kind of thing, Jepha thinks. He makes a sour face into his pillow. A fiery deathtrap kind of thing.
Dan jerks off a whole hell of a lot. Jepha's even seen the porn Dan watches. Jepha could probably come up with what Dan has been thinking about, if Dan has been jerking off thinking about Jepha. That starts Jepha's stomach clutching and rolling, to think about himself in Dan's mind, see himself the way Dan might imagine him, to--
Jepha won't think about that, though.
He wavers between ignoring the problem and telling Dan that they need to knock it off for the sake of the band. Ignoring it would mean that Jepha could avoid turning it into a big fucking deal, which he likes; Jepha, for all that he worries, is a stoner at heart. He's pretty sure that Dan will keep flirting with Jepha if Jepha ignores it, though, and Jepha's pretty sure he's not that strong. Eventually Jepha knows he would do something stupid, like pre-lube his ass and "accidentally" fall on Dan's cock.
Telling Dan to knock it off for the sake of the band is more of a pain in the ass. The idea of doing it makes Jepha sweat a little. Still, in the long term it's probably the better option. It means they won't fuck up the band any more than it already is, and it gives Jepha the chance to be a martyr. Jepha's always thought that he would make a good St. Sebastian.
When Jepha finally sacks up and decides to do it, he finds Dan and Quinn smoking up in the back yard. "Hey, assholes," Jepha says. He knows the fourth lawn chair is up in the tree in the front yard, but-- "Hey, where's the third chair?"
"Ate it," Quinn says, and then takes a hit.
"Burned it," Dan offers. It does smell a little like burnt plastic out in the yard, Jepha realizes. "Offering to the gods," Dan adds, as an explanation. Jepha nods absently.
They're using Dan's Five-Hit Wonder to smoke. It's a pretty bottle-green pipe, and Jepha can't resist; he holds his hands out for it when Dan's done sucking down smoke. Dan holds it close to his chest, shaking his head.
Jepha frowns. "Give it," he insists. Dan chokes, snorts, and finally exhales. The smoke hangs between them. Dan gestures him closer, and Jepha takes a step, then sits on the end of the lawn chair. "Fuck you, give it," Jepha says, but he's already giggling a little; Dan is making a stupid fucking face, half pout and half leer.
"No making out around me yet," Quinn says.
Jepha blinks. "Yet?" he asks.
"I told him I want to bone you," Dan says languidly.
Jepha opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. "Give me a hit," he says.
Dan holds out the pipe, but won't let Jepha take it out of his hand. Jepha has to lean in and put his mouth on the end instead, letting Dan dictate the hit for him. Jepha holds his breath afterwards for as long as he can afterwards, trying to buy himself time. When he finally lets it out, his breath is too short, and he has to lean over and cough for a while before he can talk. "Fuck," Jepha croaks. "Who says I want to bone him?"
"Moron," Quinn says. He closes his eyes.
"What?" Jepha asks. "Fuck you, he's got frog eyes." Dan just smirks and offers Jepha the pipe again. Jepha leans in and dutifully takes a second hit. He kicks the bowl, and Dan taps it out on the side of the chair before he starts packing it again, balancing it on his stomach while he fiddles with the plastic bag of bud.
"It's bad for the band," Jepha tells Quinn, "Stevie Nicks taught me that."
"Tilla laaand-slide bringit dahhhn," Quinn honks, right on cue.
Dan starts giggling. His stomach shakes, and the pipe almost falls off. Jepha reaches out and holds it still, and Dan shoots him a quick, grateful look. They've already broken two pipes and a bong, just in the past three months. Jepha grins at him, quick, and pats his stomach before he lets go of the pipe.
Jepha looks back at Quinn, and finds Quinn squinting at him. "Yeah, sure, 'frog eyes,'" Quinn says derisively, and Jepha can feel his face heating up.
"It's cool, me and Quinn worked it out," Dan says, gesturing with the packed pipe, "If we get all stupid, we have to answer to them." He passes the pipe and lighter to Quinn. "And they get to imitate anything they overhear."
Quinn nods. He holds the hit he's taken for a long moment, and says, "Them's the terms" on his exhale. Dan holds the pipe towards Jepha, and Jepha dips his head to it. He flicks up his eyes to look at Dan while he's sucking the flame down into the bowl, and Dan gives him a little lopsided smile.
"I'm going to fuck you for hours," Dan tells Jepha happily, and he and Quinn giggle while Jepha chokes on the smoke he was trying to hold. "At least two. Maybe three. You'll have to shit in a bag, after."
"Oh yeah, colostomy bags get me hot," Jepha sneers, but he finally crawls up the last little bit of the lawn chair to lean on Dan's chest. Dan brings his arms up, giving Jepha the chance to take another hit.
Jepha's feeling a little dizzy, after that. He closes his eyes and listens to Dan's heartbeat, to Quinn's usual bitching about any and everything. Dan's hand is warm and solid on his back, and Jepha-- Jepha feels pretty good.
---
Three days later, Jepha puts a sheet of paper on the kitchen table, sits down, and adjusts the angle of his chair. He takes a deep breath. "So," he begins. "What do you like?"
Dan grins at him. He's got his knees splayed apart, one hand resting on the inside of his thigh. Jepha clears his throat and looks away. "I could make you a list," Dan says. He scoots closer to Jepha. Jepha ducks his head down and smiles at his knees.
"This is serious," Jepha says. Dan nods.
"These are my serious pants," Dan says, pointing to his knee. "Tell me what you like."
"Being tied up," Jepha starts, "I made a list of what I've done. Sometimes I like being hit - here's the list of things I'm okay with being hit with," he says. Dan leans over to look at the list he's pointed at. "And then these are the ones I don't like."
"Okay," Dan says.
"I like breath stuff, but--" He looks over, and Dan is making a face. "Yeah, most people won't do it."
"It's not safe."
"No," Jepha says, with a shrug.
"I like spanking," Dan says. His breath is warm on Jepha's shoulder, even through Jepha's t-shirt. "I really like it, a whole lot." Jepha shivers, but his face is heating up. "I've done some rope stuff."
"Really," Jepha says. He clears his throat. Dan touches the small of Jepha's back, and Jepha almost jumps.
"Yeah. Ex-girlfriend liked it, so I learned," Dan says. Jepha nods dumbly. "I also really like kissing."
"Serious pants," Jepha says.
Dan laughs. Jepha can't help but grin back. Dan says, "I'll give you my list, you give me yours, and we'll talk about it, I promise. Before we do anything crazy, we'll talk about it." Jepha gives him a slightly doubtful look, but he doesn't move away when Dan leans in. Dan makes one of his menagerie of noises, and he dips his head to kiss Jepha.
Dan's more teasing than Jepha expected. It's open-mouthed almost right away, but Dan barely uses his tongue at first, only dipping in and coaxing Jepha out. Jepha leans forward, following eagerly. Dan slides his hands down to Jepha's hips, urges him up and off of his chair, and Jepha moves. He doesn't stop kissing Dan; he shoves his hands into Dan's hair, and manages to keep their mouths connected. He settles down straddling Dan's lap.
"Gross," Jepha hears Bert say. Dan turns his head. Jepha lips at Dan's chin, drags his mouth over and sucks gently at his earlobe.
"And unnatural," Dan agrees, but his voice is gratifyingly high and breathy. "Forgot your book?"
"Yeah." There's a beat, and then Bert says "Gross!" again, before he leaves.
Jepha finishes tracing the whorls of Dan's ear with the tip of his tongue and giggles. "That's practically an endorsement," Jepha whispers, tipping his head to rest against Dan's. He feels Dan's grin against his cheek.
Dan turns his head, his chin rasping over Jepha's, and brings their mouths together again. Jepha rocks as much as he can in Dan's lap. He has to point his toes to make enough contact with the floor, and his calves protest slightly when he tries to get a rhythm going. He feels Dan's hands slide down from his waist to cup under his ass. Jepha expects that Dan's going to give him some assistance in shifting back and forth. Instead, Jepha is jostled when Dan stands up, pushing Jepha off his lap. Jepha doesn't get a chance to complain, though; Dan just laughs into Jepha's mouth and keeps kissing him, guiding him over to the stairs.
Jepha's shoulder bangs gently into something, and he feels his hair brush against something else. He keeps his fingers clenched in Dan's hoodie, though, follows him blindly, and they manage to get up the stairs without falling. Dan nudges Jepha down the hallway, and finally they're in Dan's room. Jepha sits down onto the bed. It's Dan's bed, he realizes, Dan's bed that was Branden's bed. Dan's on him before Jepha can really consider that too closely, and Jepha thinks fuck it fuck it and just thinks about Dan's tongue and lips, Dan's teeth closing sharp on Jepha's bottom lip.
Dan isn't rushed, no matter how much Jepha twists up against him. He's just relentless, pushing his hips forward and down, grinding into Jepha. He's got one hand on Jepha's shoulder, pressing him down into the bed, and the other is still on Jepha's ass, positioning him.
"Fuck," Jepha gasps out, tearing his mouth away from Dan's. "Clothes."
"Clothes?"
"Clothes," Jepha repeats, scrabbling his fingers at Dan's shirt hem.
Dan catches Jepha's hands and shifts his weight to pin them against the bed, then to shove Jepha's shirt up and off of his wrists. Dan gets Jepha's jeans most of the way off, then stops. "Keep your hands there," he says, or states really. He lets go of Jepha's wrists, and Jepha stays.
Dan works off Jepha's jeans and underwear, and then tugs off his own clothes. When Dan gets back on the bed, Jepha bends his spine up into a bow, making his ribs stand out underneath his skin. He keeps his hands where Dan left them, his wrists pressed firmly against the mattress. Dan pushes the pad of one thumb up over Jepha's sternum, and Jepha's breath briefly catches in his throat.
Dan isn't the usual sort of handsome, not really. He actually just looks goofy, a little like Gomer Pyle. Dan's got a big chin, rabbit teeth and squinty sort of eyes. His cock is big enough, but Jepha actually isn't that much of a size queen. Jepha shouldn't find Dan that attractive. But he does.
Jepha supposes that it's because all of the parts of Dan's body seem to work together. Everything fits together, and all of it makes Dan look like he was made to solve problems. It makes Jepha want to be a problem that Dan has to put his whole body into solving. Jepha wants Dan to look at him like a fucked up floor pedal, and then go to work on fixing him.
"You really were saving the other ball," Dan says, cocking his head. He runs the pad of his thumb up the inside of Jepha's thigh. Jepha grins at him, and Dan grins back.
Jepha drops his voice into his chest, a joking bass version of his voice. "Daniel Whitesides, have you been imagining me naked?" he asks, pushing his face into a stern expression. Dan cracks up. He's still laughing when he leans down to kiss Jepha again.
"No," Dan says, when they break apart again. "Never."
"Good. I don't want any perverts in this band."
"Tell that to Zelda," Dan says. Jepha fakes a gasp, but he's distracted from joking by Dan finally settling his weight down, pressing Jepha into the bed. Dan's skin is warm and slightly damp against his. Their cocks are rubbing, their balls pressed together. It's a little too dry, but it still feels good. Great, really.
Dan pushes himself up on his elbows and rocks down. They grin at each other, happy and a little breathless, moving together. Jepha shifts his hips up, bending his knees. He feels the urge to laugh, and he presses his smile into the side of his own arm.
It's easy, getting off together. It's easier than Jepha expected, to be rubbing up against Dan, to be laughing and looking at one another. Dan lifts his hips and palms Jepha's dick, then flicks his thumbnail underneath the PA piercing. Jepha grunts, shoves his cock up against Dan's palm, and comes.
"You could fuck me," Jepha says, when he's finally starting to come back down. His arms are still over his head, and he feels loose and easy, relaxed.
Dan shakes his head, hair falling over his smile. "Nah, not yet," he says, "I wouldn't last long enough for it to be fun." He's pushing against Jepha still, the head of his cock sliding over Jepha's thigh, hip, stomach, and dragging back. It feels good, comfortable. Jepha twists his hips up into Dan's next thrust, and Dan drops his head, groans.
Dan lasts longer than Jepha expects him to, but weirdly, Jepha doesn't get bored. He thinks, about what they're doing, about his skin against Dan's, about how this will feel when Dan is fucking him. "Sorry," Dan says, "I always take forever--"
"Shut up," Jepha says. "I like it."
Dan's the one who gets up after he comes. He walks out of the room, naked and splattered with come, and gets a washcloth out of the bathroom next to Jepha's room. Jepha hears the sound of Bert pretending to retch, and Dan saying, "Give me a hug, c'mon, it's just icing." Jepha cracks up laughing. He's still giggling when Dan comes back in.
"Bert wouldn't hug me," Dan says mournfully. He wipes delicately at his stomach, and tosses the washcloth at Jepha.
Jepha catches it haphazardly and swipes it over his skin, scrubbing at a particularly stubborn spot. "I heard," he says. "Come here." Dan climbs back up on the bed, and Jepha drops the washcloth over the side.
"So," Dan says. He drops his head and takes a long sniff of Jepha's neck, for no discernable reason. "What's up?"
"My safe word is 'Utah,'" Jepha tells him. Dan breaks into giggles again.
---
It's the same, after that. Dan still pushes Jepha around and picks him up, but now it really is flirting. It isn't much of a difference; the key thing is that Jepha can giggle and bat his lashes and be the giant girl he so obviously is. Quinn makes fun of them for the PDA, and Bert makes jokes about group sex, but otherwise it's the sort of the same as normal.
Dan leaves Jepha a note in the case for his guitar, maybe a week after they have sex for the first time.
so maybe i'll tie you up tonite y?
Jepha can't help himself; he throws his arms up and says "whoo!" as loud as he can. He can hear Dan laughing all the way upstairs. "Fuck yeah!" Jepha yells.
"Shut the fuck up, asshole!" Quinn yells, somewhere else in the house, but Jepha hears Dan go, "Fuck yeah!" back, and that's all he needs to know.
When Jepha goes to Dan's room, after dinner and a long shower, Dan's sprawled out on his bed, reading a drumming magazine. Jepha comes in and then hesitates, unsure. Dan sits up, folds the magazine, and tosses it down next to the bed. He gets up and comes over to Jepha, grins at him, kisses him, and Jepha relaxes. "Thanks for coming," Dan says, when they break apart.
"Wouldn't be anywhere else," Jepha whispers back. He can feel a blush rising in his cheeks, but luckily Dan moves away after that, going over to his desk.
"So," Dan says, and picks up a thick coil of rope.
"Oh," Jepha says. He's suddenly turned on. He feels like a rabbit watching a snake; he can't seem to take his eyes off of the rope, and he's already practically panting.
"Jeph Jeph Jepha," Dan says. "Pay attention to me."
Jepha finally looks at Dan's face. Dan's grinning goofily, and Jepha can't help but grin back. "So," Dan says again. "I'm going to tie you up, okay?"
"Okay," Jepha says.
"Take off your clothes," Dan says, still sounding cheerful. Jepha just stares at him, and Dan reiterates, "Take off your clothes now." Jepha swallows and pulls up the hem of his shirt over his head.
He's about to drop his shirt on the floor, but he stops. "Should I fold them?" he asks. Dan's lips tilt up.
"Yup," he says.
Jepha folds the shirt, then toes off his shoes and puts them next to the shirt. He takes off his jeans, next, folds them neatly, and puts them on top of his shirt. He balls up his socks and puts them in his shoes, and then stands there, hesitating.
"Those are clothes," Dan laughs, pointing at his underwear.
"I know," Jepha says testily. "God." He pushes them down, steps to the side, and puts them on top of his jeans. When he straightens up, Dan's smirking at him. Jepha puts his shoulders back, refusing to be embarrassed.
Dan laughs and waves with the coil of rope, beckoning him forward. "C'mere," he says, and Jepha walks over to him. "Are you nervous?" he asks. Jepha hesitates, then nods. "Not too nervous, though," Dan says, and taps the rope against the base of Jepha's half-hard cock. Jepha jumps, and Dan laughs again. "Stand still," he says, and separates out the first length of rope.
Dan nudges Jepha's arms until Jepha holds them up and out of the way; he prods Jepha's side, and Jepha turns dutifully, facing away from Dan. Dan loops the rope around him. It's black, and softer than Jepha expected. Dan's doing simple techniques, not shibari knotting, but it still looks good, feels good against Jepha's skin.
Dan puts Jepha in a simple halter arrangement, one that binds his chest and reminds him keeps his back straight. "Grab either elbow," Dan says then, "No, behind your back." Jepha does as he's told, feeling the rope of the halter rub slightly where it lies on his skin.
Dan adjusts Jepha's arms to a comfortable position and ties them together, coiling the rope smooth and soft around Jepha's forearms. He knots the ropes around Jepha's arms to the halter. Then Dan stops, his fingertips running over the rope where it presses against Jepha's back. "How does it feel?" he asks.
"All right."
"You're going to have to be in it for a while," Dan says.
Jepha rolls his shoulders and shifts in place, testing the ropes dutifully, and then. "It's good."
"Okay." Dan tucks his fingers in the back of the halter and says, "Kneel down." Jepha goes to his knees one at a time. Dan says, "Good. Lean forward on your knees."
Jepha glances over his shoulder at Dan, making sure he's serious. Dan frowns. He says, "Now," his voice laced with a warning. Jepha faces forward again.
Basic survival instinct tells Jepha not to lean forward towards the ground when he doesn't have his hands free to catch himself. Even though he wants to obey, Jepha still has to struggle briefly to make himself do it. He finally tips himself down, using the tops of his feet against the ground for leverage, and his knees as the fulcrum. The ropes bite into his skin. Jepha gasps, softly, and he can feel his cock jerk, just a little.
Jepha is suspended for a breath, held up by Dan's hand in the back of the halter. Jepha relaxes as he exhales, body sagging slightly. Dan lowers him to the floor.
"Good," Dan says, and kneels down next to Jepha to knot together Jepha's ankles. After they're secured, Dan says, "I'm hogtying you." The ropes whisper over Jepha's skin, and goosebumps rise on Jepha's arms and his legs. "I'm using a quick release knot, and I've got safety shears in my pocket," Dan continues. He cinches the knot at Jepha's ankles with a sharp jerk. Jepha feels Dan move to the complicated interweaving at the center of Jepha's back.
The halter pulls against his skin. Jepha is raised off of the ground, slowly dragged up. He has no choice but to arch, pulled by the system of knots into a slight bow. "How does that feel?" Dan says, and before Jepha opens his mouth, he continues, "For half an hour, let's say."
"Good," Jepha says. He's been in a lot worse for a lot longer, but he figures it's perfect for a first scene.
Dan lifts Jepha up by the ropes and slips a pillow under Jepha's knees, padding the ground even more. Then Jepha feels Dan's fingers at the back of the halter again. Dan lifts Jepha's shoulders up off of the ground, bringing Jepha up onto his knees. "What--" Jepha starts.
"Quiet," Dan interrupts. Jepha shuts his mouth. "Do you remember your safe word? Nod if you do."
Jepha nods stiffly. There's a tickle at the center of his back as Dan loops another rope through. Dan gets Jepha balanced comfortably, then takes his fingers out from the back of the halter. Jepha wobbles in place. His breath shortens. He's steadied again fairly quickly, though. Dan's hand comes back, a reassuring weight at the top of Jepha's spine. He presses lightly, probably testing his knots. They stay. Dan takes his hand away.
Jepha is left leaning at a slight angle. His weight rests comfortably on his knees, just under his kneecaps, padded by the pillow. The hogtie keeps his body bowed, his hips pressed forward and his back arched. When Dan comes and crouches down in front of him, Jepha can meet Dan's eyes, but it's a little awkward.
Dan tests all of the ropes again, his fingers warm against Jepha's skin, and grins at Jepha. Jepha glares back, wishing he could speak.
"Only fifteen minutes like this," Dan says.
Jepha works his mouth, trying to hold it back. Dan lifts an eyebrow. Jepha says, "Easy."
The slap isn't hard, just surprising. Jepha gasps, but he doesn't move. He can't move, he realizes. His lack of control hits him then, sings through him quickly. It leaves him shuddering. His cock is straining out from his body, rude and obvious.
"Quiet," Dan says, still cheerful even when he's correcting. He smoothes his thumb over Jepha's cheek. "You look good like this," he comments.
Then Dan gets up and goes over to the armchair he has shoved in the corner. Jepha watches him move, stunned. He can't quite believe it at first. After Dan settles himself into the armchair, Jepha says, "Are you kidding?"
Dan sighs, and gets up. Jepha tests the knots, trying to get his hands free, but they hold.
Dan slaps him across the face again. It's a little harder this time, and Jepha's eyes tear up, but his body doesn't move, the ropes holding him steady. Jepha closes his eyes. "Eyes open," Dan says, and Jepha opens them again. "Quiet," Dan says firmly, "You just added a minute." Jepha opens his mouth, but at Dan's warning look he falls silent again, gritting his teeth. "Good," Dan says.
Dan gets up and goes back to the armchair. He slides another magazine off of the desk, and opens it.
Jepha can't move. He wiggles, testing the rope again, even though he knows it's pointless. He pushes against the rope that holds him suspended, but that's just as stable.
Dan turns the page.
There is nothing to look at in Dan's room. Dan has no pictures, no scuff marks on the walls, no mess. There are Jepha's clothes to the side, but after looking at them for a while, even that gets kind of boring.
Jepha stares at Dan after that. He's actually a little pissed off. He's still hard, and it makes him itchy and restless. He's bored, too. Dan flicks his eyes up every once in a while, meeting Jepha's, and smirks. It makes Jepha want to spit. The third time it happens he just does, hocking a wad of saliva and mucus onto the carpet.
Jepha holds his breath for a bare second, shocked by his own disobedience. Dan gets up.
He slaps Jepha hard enough that Jepha would twist to the side, if Dan's other hand weren't holding his chin. Dan switches hands and does the other cheek. Jepha's skin burns, and he knows there are marks rising on his face. He looks up at Dan.
"Can you handle this?" Dan asks, quietly, and Jepha feels a curl of panic in his gut. "I can untie you, if you can't. I won't be mad, just sorry." His hair is falling in his face, but he doesn't push it back. His expression is calm.
Jepha shakes his head, finally. He swallows around the sudden lump in his throat. He wants to say sorry, but he knows he shouldn't. Jepha tries to say it with his eyes, instead.
"Quiet, and no acting up," Dan says. "Can you do that for ten minutes?" His voice is almost condescending. Jepha sets his jaw and nods. "Are you sure?" He's definitely condescending this time. Jepha jerks his head in another nod. "Okay."
Dan goes back to his armchair. Jepha goes back to staring. Jepha's going to make it this time, though. He is.
He ignores the slight ache that's building in his knees; it isn't a real pain, just fatigue from being in the same position. His hair falls in his face, but Jepha ignores it. He focuses on Dan's belt buckle instead, the soft curve of Dan's belly and the way the shirt falls over it.
Jepha feels calmer now, more restful. It's not that he's not turned-on anymore, but it's less important. He lets himself rest on Dan, on what Dan wants; his body isn't his to worry about or control.
When Dan looks up, Jepha meets his eyes calmly, and Dan's response looks more like a smile than a smirk. Dan has made sure that Jepha won't fall. All Jepha has to do is be in the ropes, and Dan will be-- maybe Dan will be proud of him.
Dan gets up. Jepha tracks him as he moves across the room, until Dan's out of Jepha's line of sight. Jepha waits. Dan comes back, with a bottle of water in his hand. "Drink," Dan says, and tips the bottle to his mouth. Jepha opens his mouth and complies, still watching Dan's expression. Water dribbles down his chin. "Good," Dan says. He tips the bottle back. "Do you want more?" Jepha shakes his head, and Dan recaps the bottle and sets it down. He wipes Jepha's chin and throat with the hem of his shirt. "You have five more minutes," he says, and goes back to the armchair.
Time passes. Jepha loses track, of the time and himself. He can feel himself unwinding within the ropes, his body falling loose and relaxed within their hold. When Dan gets up again, Jepha blinks, surprised. "How do you feel?" Dan asks, and then clarifies, "You can talk."
"Okay," Jepha says. He feels distant from his body, from its aches and realities, but he knows it's still there. He concentrates, pressing his lips together, and finally offers, "I think my back might cramp soon."
Dan nods and steps forward, sliding his palm down over the top of Jepha's back and pressing his leg against Jepha's face. Jepha turns his cheek into the warm fabric of Dan's jeans and breathes out, closing his eyes. He feels the slipknot holding him arched give, and he relaxes his back, leaning against the line of Dan's leg.
Jepha takes a deep breath and lets it out, slowly lowering his bound ankles to the floor. His arms are still connected to the suspension rope, though, and it keeps his torso up off of the floor. "I'm going to take you down," Dan says.
Jepha makes a soft noise. "Can I suck you first?" he asks. Dan huffs out a soft laugh and rubs at the spot between Jepha's shoulders again, with just the tips of his fingers. He doesn't answer; he steps away and goes to dig in a drawer of his desk.
When he comes back, Dan's got a couple of condoms in his hand and his keys. He tucks one condom in his pocket, and holds the other one out. Jepha opens his mouth and closes his teeth carefully around the package. Dan bends down and puts his keys in Jepha's hand. "Drop them if you need to stop," he says. "Do you understand?" Jepha nods, and Dan straightens back up.
Dan gets his jeans open and tugs them and his underwear down. He holds out his hand, and Jepha lets him take the condom back. Dan smiles down at Jepha as he strokes the rubber down over his cock.
His cock is just out of reach of Jepha's mouth, but it's close enough that Jepha can smell the sharp scent of his body, layered over with latex. Jepha tries to stretch forward, straining against the ropes. Dan cups his chin, holding him back. "Relax," he says. He waits until Jepha stops pushing. Then he moves forward, resting just the tip of his cock in Jepha's mouth.
The condom tastes like latex, obviously, but Jepha can feel the heat of Dan's cock through the barrier, can smell Dan still, when Dan eases forward. Dan pushes in until he hits the back of Jepha's throat, shifts back, and pushes in again, carefully. Jepha sucks as hard as he can at every inch he can reach. He keeps his eyes open, looking at Dan's skin, the curve of his belly, the hair on his balls and around his cock. Jepha tilts his head up as much as he can to open up his throat; it gives him another inch, and the sight of Dan's pleased, heavy-lidded expression.
Jepha feels utterly calm, even though he's harder than ever, even though his mouth and throat are full, even though Dan could hurt him. He is balanced. He's sure of everything. He's aware of the surfaces of his mouth -- his tongue, the insides of his cheeks, his throat -- in a way that he normally couldn't be. He whimpers, quietly, and Dan's cock jumps in his mouth.
Jepha can feel it when Dan comes, even through the condom; he wants to taste it, even goes so far as to make a thin, wanting noise. Dan ignores it. He pulls out of Jepha's mouth, takes off the condom, and tucks himself back into his jeans. He walks over to the trashcan, drops the condom in, and comes back over.
"I'm going to untie you," he says seriously. Jepha opens his mouth, ready to protest, and Dan says, "Quiet." Jepha closes his mouth. Dan moves to stand behind him, and he stares blankly at the far wall. Jepha feels Dan's fingers in the center of his back, holding him by the halter, and then the whisper of the suspension rope coming out.
Dan lowers Jepha down to the floor, slowly. Jepha's dick presses between his body and the floor. It takes a brief moment of concentration for Jepha to keep himself from thrusting against the floor without permission. Dan unties Jepha's ankles, rubbing them briefly when they're freed. Dan takes his keys out of Jepha's hand, then straddles Jepha's waist to untie his wrists. Finally he takes off the halter, and says, "Okay." Dan shifts down Jepha's body a little, until he's over Jepha's knees, and says, "Turn over."
Jepha turns his body sluggishly. Dan crouches over him, his ass brushing against the skin of Jepha's thighs, and digs the other condom out of his pocket. "I'm going to suck you, now," he says. "No moving." Jepha nods. Dan spits in his palm and jerks Jepha's cock a few times, and Jepha has to open his mouth to free his breath. Dan rolls the condom down, then puts his hands over Jepha's on the floor. He ducks his head down, and opens his mouth around the head of Jepha's cock.
Jepha doesn't move. He breathes, and he shivers. Dan's mouth is hot and wet; he moves smoothly, demanding that Jepha's body give in, and give up.
When Jepha comes, his breath shreds in his throat, and he whispers, "Dan, fuck-- Dan." Dan sucks him through it. He waits until Jepha relaxes back against the ground to lift his hands off of Jepha's. He takes off the condom, gets up and throws it out.
Jepha lies there, still unthinking. Dan comes back with a pair of sweatpants; they're not Jepha's, but Jepha doesn't object. Dan slides the sweats up over Jepha's legs. Jepha lifts his hips and helps Dan pull them up over his ass. "Up," Dan says, and Jepha gets up. "Hey," Dan says, and cups his chin. "What do you feel like doing?"
Jepha opens his mouth. He breathes. He closes his mouth again. He shrugs.
"C'mon," Dan says, voice teasing. Jepha smiles automatically. "Tell me what you feel like doing."
"Tea," Jepha says, finally, "I want some tea. And a nap." He sounds like a little kid, but Dan grins and nods before Jepha can feel too embarrassed. What Jepha really wants is a beer, actually. He knows he shouldn't, though, not when he feels like this.
"I'm going to go get you some tea, okay?" Dan says, and waits until Jepha nods before he leaves.
Jepha stands for a moment longer, confused. He turns to the bed. He wants to just lie down, but he doesn't know if Dan's okay with that. He sits down on the edge of it, instead. He takes deep breaths. He feels blank, and quiet. His mouth keeps curving up at the corners, unbidden.
There's a tap on the door. When Jepha says, "yeah," Dan comes in, juggling a box of Oreos and a couple of cups of tea. "It's your room," Jepha points out, but Dan just grins at him. Dan puts the Oreos and tea down carefully on the side table. He toes off his shoes, and climbs onto the bed. "Is it okay if I nap with you?" he asks solicitously, and Jepha laughs.
"I'm okay. I'm coming out of it," he says.
"You went under pretty hard," Dan says. His voice is light. Jepha looks down at his hands and shrugs. Dan seems to be waiting for him to say something, but Jepha doesn't have anything to say.
"Naptime," he tells Dan. Dan lets him get away with it, getting under the covers and letting Jepha crawl in next to him. He tugs Jepha back against him. Jepha closes his eyes.
He can worry later.
---
Jepha wakes up the next morning.
He stretches luxuriously, feeling it from his fingers all the way down to his feet. Dan's spot next to him is empty, but it's still a little warm when Jepha passes his hand over it. Jepha sits up, dangles his feet over the edge, then leans over and rolls up the cuffs of Dan's sweatpants so that they don't hang over the ends of his feet. He tightens the drawstring just in case, then finally slides off the bed and onto the floor.
When he gets downstairs, Bert's making pancakes. Dan's sprawled at the kitchen isle, and when Jepha walks over to him he tilts his face up for a kiss. Jepha gives it to him. He feels conspicuous, but Bert doesn't comment, just asks, "Strawberries or peaches?"
"Strawberries," Jepha says, and settles at a chair next to Dan.
They have a slow, easy breakfast. Jepha drinks four or five cups of tea and eats three pancakes loaded with fruit. He only leaves to get dressed when Bert starts frying up corned beef hash, and even then it's not really the smell but the feeling that he should probably take a shower.
He rinses off, gets out, wipes down with a towel and walks to his room, humming aimlessly to himself. His stuff is still in Dan's bedroom, so he detours to pick up his clothes and shoes, and to straighten out the bedclothes a little. He crosses the hall into his own bedroom and throws his things on top of his dresser. He flops down on his bed.
He doesn't feel weird. He doesn't.
Jepha leans over the edge of the bed, scrabbles around on the floor, and finds his phone. He scrolls to Branden's name. He hesitates, but then he presses 'send.'
"Hey," Branden says. "Wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon."
"Yeah," Jepha says. He rolls over, onto his side. His hair is wet under his ear, and he takes a quick moment to flick it back.
"So what's up?" Branden asks.
"Nothing. Or, well. I'm sleeping with our new drummer."
Branden is silent for a long, long time. Jepha's opening his mouth to ask if Branden's still there when Branden says, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Of course it's a bad idea," Jepha says irritably. "But he's really low-key, you know? And Quinn and Bert are watching our backs."
"Right," Branden says, disbelief coloring his voice. Jepha sits up, flicking his hair back from his face again and swiping at the few strands that cling stubbornly to his skin. "Like how you guys had Bert's back with the Gerard thing?"
Jepha winces, actually recoiling, even though there's nothing there to recoil from. "You were there just as much as we were," Jepha says. "We couldn't have known--"
"You can't know this time, either," Branden says, interrupting him. Jepha huffs a breath out through his nose, and Branden says, "Like, I guess it could be cool, if it's not serious?"
Like you and I weren't serious, Jepha wants to snap, but there technically wasn't anything between them, nothing like what Dan and he have already done. Jepha stares down at his toes, trying to think of something to say. "It's not that serious," he finally says, and even he can hear the lie in his voice.
"Are you doing-- that stuff?"
"Yeah," Jepha says, feeling heavier already. "Yeah, he tied me up last night."
"Jeph," Branden says, "Jeph, that's pretty serious."
Jepha closes his eyes. His ear is sweating against the screen of his phone, and his skin is prickling with goosebumps. "Maybe," Jepha says, thinking about how he felt in the ropes, how hard he had gone under. "But it could still work out."
"When has something serious worked out for you?" Branden asks. Jepha sucks in a breath. "No, I'm sorry, that wasn't fair," Branden says, quick to soothe. Jepha pulls his knees up and rests his face against them. Branden continues, "But when has something serious between coworkers worked out, you know?"
"Yeah," Jepha says, hating to admit it. "Yeah, I know."
"I'm sorry," Branden says, sounding genuinely miserable. "I'm not, like. I mean."
"I know," Jepha tells him. The worst part is that he does. Branden doesn't want anything from him; he has no vested interest in making Jepha unhappy. Bert and Quinn have a horrible track record when it comes to denying their friends anything they want, even if it's not going to be good for them in the long term. Dan and he aren't supposed to be serious; Dan just told Quinn that he wanted to bone Jepha, not that he wanted a relationship. If Jepha's going to go under like he did -- and he did, he can admit that, he went completely under, the first time through -- he should really be doing it in a relationship. A real one.
"I know," Jepha repeats, but it feels like he's saying something else.
---
Dan is leaning over him, hand sure on Jepha's arms, emphasizing how Jepha can't move. Jepha feels-- he feels confined, if not helpless, and that's usually enough to get him off. Dan's been hitting him, a few solid strokes on his stomach and thighs, and his skin still burns. Jepha smiles at Dan, soft and encouraging.
"You know what?" Dan says. "Utah." Dan stands up, pushing himself off of the bed.
"Wait, what?" Jepha asks.
"I said 'Utah,'" Dan drops the pose to pick up the key on the nightstand. He leans over and unlocks Jepha's wrists from the handcuffs as he talks. "Because if you're not going to be here--"
"I am!" Jepha says, outraged.
"You're not!"
"I so am!" Jepha insists. Dan just points at him, then goes back to uncuffing him. "Fuck you, put me back."
"No. I used the safe word for a reason, you asshole." Dan slaps the key down on the nightstand and puts his hands on his hips, genuinely huffy.
"What, you felt unsafe?" Jepha says, incredulous. "While I was cuffed to the bed?"
"Fuck you," Dan says. He sounds like he does when he's joking around, but he looks serious enough. "I felt like I was going to have to kick the shit out of you to get you to check in to the scene."
"So kick the shit out of me," Jepha says. Dan rolls his eyes. Jepha sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He rubs his face. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm tired?" he offers.
"Whatever," Dan says. He shrugs. "I need to-- I'm going to go."
"Okay," Jepha says, stung.
Dan apparently goes down to the practice room. Jepha can hear him thumping out the bass rhythm when he goes down to the kitchen to get something to eat. Jepha listens to it while he waits for the tea kettle to whistle, the noise getting more and more grating. By the time he escapes back upstairs, he just wants a night with a movie and his dog.
He means to apologize that night, maybe try to make it up to Dan, but he falls asleep with his DVD player and Zelda still on the bed. He doesn't wake up until the morning, and Dan's already out of the house, apparently running errands.
When he comes back, Jepha thinks about trying to catch him, but Dan's carrying bags. Jepha shrugs it off and figures he'll catch Dan when Dan's done unloading all the stuff he bought. Dan heads right upstairs, though, and he doesn't come out again until Bert and Quinn want to jam, later that night.
He's normal, the rest of the night. That's what throws Jepha. Dan acts like everything's normal. He jokes with Jepha, same as he jokes with Bert and Quinn. Jepha bites his lip and tries his best to be normal too. He's quieter than usual, he knows, but he figures he's allowed to have a night off.
It's a pretty good day, anyway, if he takes a long view. They get another song half-done, the rough outline of it sketched out at least. Jepha feels a vague sense of dissatisfaction that night, but he chalks it up to his own weirdness about the scene.
It isn't until three days later that he realizes that Dan is avoiding him. They're hanging out just as much, but it's with Bert and Quinn, or in the practice space, working on music, but Dan is very clearly not talking directly to Jepha about anything, and he's never in the room with Jepha alone.
When Jepha figures it out, he spends a good hour or so wanting to kick Dan's ass. One night when Jepha wasn't on his game, only the second time that they've done anything remotely like a scene, and Dan's ready to tap out. Jepha has to go brush Zelda's hair for an hour, and he's still trembling and annoyed afterwards.
Jepha wants to confront Dan, but he knows he can't. They're trying to write an album, and Jepha can't bring his stupid shit into it. Ideally, Jepha would be able to sidle up to Dan, ask him for another chance, but if he gets shot down he's stuck in a band with the guy. It's exactly the sort of thing Branden was talking about. Jepha hates it when Branden's right.
Predictable or not, Jepha can't help the truth. He gives himself a night to be whiny about it. He avoids the practice room; he leaves his room only to make himself more tea. He cuddles Zelda and whispers to her about how stupid he was. "I knew better," he tells her, "but I did it anyway." It's the story of his life, to be honest. If it normally works out better than this, well, that's just Jepha's good luck.
By the next night, he's back to normal. He takes Zelda out for a long walk, and then he joins the others in the practice room again to keep working on the song. He's really normal this time, really able to joke and laugh with the others. It comes as a surprise when Quinn catches his arm and holds him back in the room.
"I'm playing my stupid card," Quinn says.
"What?" Jepha shakes off Quinn's hand and takes a step back.
"You, Dan, being stupid. I'm telling you." Quinn looks incredibly bored, like he's not spouting complete horseshit.
Jepha says, "Well, talk to Dan about it."
"Right, because you're not involved," Quinn says. Jepha shrugs, and Quinn rolls his eyes. "Look, I know we're all emo or whatever--"
"Don't you use that word--"
"But," Quinn continues, raising his voice, "That doesn't mean the two of you get to mope around the house whenever Dan doesn't spank you right, or whatever."
"I have not been moping," Jepha says.
Quinn raises his eyebrows, but he shrugs. "Okay, fine. You're making Dan mope, quit it."
"He's not moping," Jepha tells Quinn, but Quinn just rolls his eyes again. Jepha squints at him, but Quinn seems to be in earnest. It makes no fucking sense.
Jepha pushes past Quinn, heading up the stairs. Dan's not on the first floor, so Jepha goes up to the second floor to the bedrooms. "Dan?" he calls, and hears Dan answer back from his bedroom.
When he pushes in, Dan's got his computer open on his lap, his feet up on the bed. "Hey," Dan says easily. He meets Jepha's eyes over the edge of his laptop screen. "What's up?"
"Quinn said you were sad?" Jepha says. He takes a hesitant step into the room.
Dan sighs and shuts his computer, shoving it off to the side. Jepha takes another step, within range of the bed, and lets his hand rest on top of the coverlet. "I told Quinn to butt out," Dan says.
"He's a meddling old woman," Jepha tells him. "He can't help it."
"He would make one ugly-ass woman, but I take your point," Dan says.
Dan still hasn't answered Jepha's question, though, so Jepha taps Dan's foot and tries again. "Are you actually sad?" he asks. Dan shrugs. "Wait, why are you sad?"
"Why," Dan says, more a statement of disbelief than a question. "Really, you're asking me why?" Dan's looking out the window by his bed, and his shoulders are relaxed. He's got his hands tucked up into his armpits. It's a lot like how he watches television. His voice hasn't even risen above its usual volume. Jepha has a really hard time believing that this is the posture of someone who is upset.
"Yeah, I'm asking why. I mean, if anyone were going to be pissy, I think it would be me."
"You're the one," Dan says, and points at him. He bites his lip and stops.
Jepha prompts, "I'm the one--"
Dan snaps back, "You're the one who decided we weren't going to do anything anymore."
"What?" Jepha repeats.
"You heard me."
"Okay," Jepha says, "I heard you speaking complete horseshit, though."
Dan sputters. He kicks at Jepha, and Jepha barely gets his hand out of the way. "You weren't there with me," Dan finally gets out. "And I had to use a safe word, for like, the first time in my life, and then you didn't come out and talk to me at all."
"Are you-- wait, are you serious?" Jepha asks, and Dan nods. He's still biting his lip. "Oh. I thought. You said 'whatever,' or whatever," Jepha says, lamely.
"Whatever," Dan echoes.
"Look at me, you asshole," Jepha says. Dan looks over at him, but almost immediately tosses his hair out of his eyes and looks over at the wall.
"Shit," Jepha says. "I didn't. Wait a second, okay?" He sits down on the bed, next to Dan's legs, not touching him yet. "Wow, okay. I thought you were, like, done with me because I sucked in bed."
"You don't suck in bed, dumbass," Dan mutters. "But you were scaring me."
"How?" Jepha says.
"I wanted to hurt you," Dan says. He stops, gnaws on his lip, and laughs mirthlessly. "It was more that I was scaring me, I guess. I wanted you to be there, to stop faking it, and I was afraid I was going to really hurt you. I was getting really pissed."
"Oh," Jepha says, stupidly. He lifts his hand, hesitates, and touches Dan's leg carefully. Dan's lips quirk up at the corner. Jepha still can't see anything sad about Dan's posture, but he's starting to understand that maybe it's there. "I'm sorry," Jepha says. He rubs his fingertips over the fabric of Dan's jeans, slowly. "I was freaking out. Branden said that us getting together was a bad idea, and. I believed him."
"Huh," Dan says, but his lips are tilting into an actual smile.
"What?"
"Just huh," Dan says, and smiles at him. Jepha takes the risk and crawls up the bed. Dan untucks his hands from his armpits and lets Jepha curl up next to him, under one of his arms.
"So I thought. Um," Jepha says, and feels Dan's chest shake with laughter. "Shut up. I thought that maybe what we were doing wasn't serious. And then I went down so hard, that first time, I felt weird."
"Oh," Dan says. His hand squeezes Jepha's shoulder. "Well, whatever, I don't go around banging the bassists in all of my bands. We're doing some fucking freaky shit, you asshole, I was assuming it was serious."
Jepha lets out a long, slow breath, more relieved than he'd like to admit. Dan adds, "Why didn't you ask me, or whatever?"
"I don't know," Jepha says. "I'm dumb." Jepha stops for a moment, considers, and offers, "Maybe you could spank me."
"Really," Dan replies.
"Yeah," Jepha says. He leans his head against Dan's chest, listening to the easy thumping of Dan's heart. "I was being bad, faking it and not talking to you. I bet I should be punished."
"I don't want to do this if you're not up for it," Dan says, but it's not no.
Jepha forges ahead. "I'm up for it," he says, and looks up at Dan. "I just-- wow, we should stop being such dudes about our problems, huh."
"We've got an old woman in the band," Dan says. "Why the fuck would we take care of ourselves?"
Jepha just laughs and presses closer. He closes his eyes and puts his arm around Dan, feeling calmer, contained. "It'll be okay," he murmurs, quiet and a little worn out. Dan just chirps in response.
---
END
---
Thanks for reading. If you have any comments or criticism, you can either comment here or send an email to sinsense at yahoo dot com.
There's probably going to be one or more codas to this, if I'm going to be honest. They'll get linked here if/when they are written.