the coke birds are singing...
And I'm just getting home...
Ok, so often, I realize how blessed my life is. And so why the sad heart lately? I am surrounded by so much love and so much human contact, and I know that.
I mean, there's the best friend: who seems more like an ex - an on-really-great-terms-and-will-always-be-there-for-me-if-ever-i-need-anything-and-we-still-hook-up-occasionally-kind-of-ex, and everything is comfortable and sweet and loving and reliable and dependable. And that's awesome. But he's admittedly cold. And really, not what I'm looking for. Though I treasure his existence possibly more than anyone else in my entire life.
And there's the one who tugs at my heartstrings from afar: who is amazing and wonderful and sweet and sends me picture messages to wake up to, with whom i have a brief but deeply passionate history, that already has a partner, and if things were different, maybe our coupling would rival those about whom classic love stories are written - but that seems a distant and unrealistic thing.
And there's the neighbor: with whom I share many similar points of view and an incredibly strong personality and sexual attraction, that has recently gotten back together with his 'one', but might not be so happy with, but probably is and i should stop thinking about him in that way because let's be realistic it'll likely never fucking happen.
And there's the broken one: with whom i am friends, who has better manners than most anyone I've ever met, and we have INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry, and in a sexual partner is even more ideal than my own imagined ideal, but is so fucking broken in so many ways. And while our occasional hooking-up is amazing, there could never be a relationship to go with it. We're just not meant for each other in that way.
And there's all these others in the past, or far away, or already taken or whatever that i can imagine as perfection in my head.
And as much as I have great love and great contact with so many people, I don't have the one. And for as long as I've railed against that in the past several years, I've finally hit a point in my life where I would like that. I think. Well, at very least, something dependable. Someone dependable. Even just a partner in crime. I mean, even as much as I am blessed with many many friends, all of whom are wonderful and amazing, I don't have a singular best friend, or circle of best friends. Two that I would have considered as such just a year ago, managed to betray my trust such that it will never be the same again with them. And again, I have a ton of great people in my life - more than most people, I'm sure - but all of them have all their own shit going on, or are married or permanently coupled or have kids or are just plain super busy, such that, on a lonely night or a bored night, I have no one person I can depend on to hang out with or cause trouble with, or paint the town with. Being single in your thirties kinda sucks.
I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin or more sure of the person that I am, inside and out, or of my worth as a human being than I have in the past few years . And simultaneously, I have never been surrounded by so much love and trust and good feelings and great people as in the past few years. And yet, conversely, I don't think I have ever felt nearly as alone, on my own, lonely and lost as I have lately.
What the fuck?
Ok, so often, I realize how blessed my life is. And so why the sad heart lately? I am surrounded by so much love and so much human contact, and I know that.
I mean, there's the best friend: who seems more like an ex - an on-really-great-terms-and-will-always-be-there-for-me-if-ever-i-need-anything-and-we-still-hook-up-occasionally-kind-of-ex, and everything is comfortable and sweet and loving and reliable and dependable. And that's awesome. But he's admittedly cold. And really, not what I'm looking for. Though I treasure his existence possibly more than anyone else in my entire life.
And there's the one who tugs at my heartstrings from afar: who is amazing and wonderful and sweet and sends me picture messages to wake up to, with whom i have a brief but deeply passionate history, that already has a partner, and if things were different, maybe our coupling would rival those about whom classic love stories are written - but that seems a distant and unrealistic thing.
And there's the neighbor: with whom I share many similar points of view and an incredibly strong personality and sexual attraction, that has recently gotten back together with his 'one', but might not be so happy with, but probably is and i should stop thinking about him in that way because let's be realistic it'll likely never fucking happen.
And there's the broken one: with whom i am friends, who has better manners than most anyone I've ever met, and we have INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry, and in a sexual partner is even more ideal than my own imagined ideal, but is so fucking broken in so many ways. And while our occasional hooking-up is amazing, there could never be a relationship to go with it. We're just not meant for each other in that way.
And there's all these others in the past, or far away, or already taken or whatever that i can imagine as perfection in my head.
And as much as I have great love and great contact with so many people, I don't have the one. And for as long as I've railed against that in the past several years, I've finally hit a point in my life where I would like that. I think. Well, at very least, something dependable. Someone dependable. Even just a partner in crime. I mean, even as much as I am blessed with many many friends, all of whom are wonderful and amazing, I don't have a singular best friend, or circle of best friends. Two that I would have considered as such just a year ago, managed to betray my trust such that it will never be the same again with them. And again, I have a ton of great people in my life - more than most people, I'm sure - but all of them have all their own shit going on, or are married or permanently coupled or have kids or are just plain super busy, such that, on a lonely night or a bored night, I have no one person I can depend on to hang out with or cause trouble with, or paint the town with. Being single in your thirties kinda sucks.
I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin or more sure of the person that I am, inside and out, or of my worth as a human being than I have in the past few years . And simultaneously, I have never been surrounded by so much love and trust and good feelings and great people as in the past few years. And yet, conversely, I don't think I have ever felt nearly as alone, on my own, lonely and lost as I have lately.
What the fuck?