my love life is a train wreck.
well, the canadian and i had the lovely 'what are we?' talk, brought up by me...and i'm kind of wishing i wouldn't have asked. the situation seems to be that the feelings are there, but not ALL there--i.e. it would involve me having to move there in order for things to work between us, and he doesn't feel that strongly about me. from the way i understand it, it's like we have everything--physical attraction, an amazing connection, an amazing friendship, 'love' up to a certain extent...but when it comes to the very-serious-should-we-consider-me-moving-there-which-means-maybe-marriage-someday stuff...it's not there for him.
in a way, i feel bad for pushing the issue. i feel bad for already having this conversation with him, but i was kinda going crazy, to be honest. sitting there thinking, wondering, wishing, etc. and while i definitely did not bring up the marriage thing (he did...and said he's under pressure to get married), it's almost something we have to think about if we're talking about me moving.
at any rate...i am pretty bummed. i was feeling like maybe--just maybe i was finally going to get my chance. the chance to find that great guy, to fall in love, to be happy in that aspect of my life. i didn't expect perfection, i just was hoping for an opportunity. i knew that if we were to try anything, it would involve tough decisions and a lot of work on both our parts...but damnit, i was willing to try.
but now i'm feeling pretty down about it all, and to be honest, even though he spent 5 minutes (unprompted) telling me that he thought everything about me was fantastic...the feelings just weren't there...it still makes me doubt myself. still makes me feel like i lack something (or a lot of things).
i'll be honest, if it were ANY other guy on the face of this planet telling me these things, i wouldn't believe him. but robin has been a constant in my life for years now and has never given me a reason not to trust him. for the most part, i believe what he says when he says it's not a rejection of me. i have no reason not to. but then there's that self-doubting thing going on in the back of my head. and it makes me feel like crap.
but there are certain things in life we cannot change, cannot control...i hate this one to the core. to be honest, it's hard not to lose hope in the whole process.
in a way, i feel bad for pushing the issue. i feel bad for already having this conversation with him, but i was kinda going crazy, to be honest. sitting there thinking, wondering, wishing, etc. and while i definitely did not bring up the marriage thing (he did...and said he's under pressure to get married), it's almost something we have to think about if we're talking about me moving.
at any rate...i am pretty bummed. i was feeling like maybe--just maybe i was finally going to get my chance. the chance to find that great guy, to fall in love, to be happy in that aspect of my life. i didn't expect perfection, i just was hoping for an opportunity. i knew that if we were to try anything, it would involve tough decisions and a lot of work on both our parts...but damnit, i was willing to try.
but now i'm feeling pretty down about it all, and to be honest, even though he spent 5 minutes (unprompted) telling me that he thought everything about me was fantastic...the feelings just weren't there...it still makes me doubt myself. still makes me feel like i lack something (or a lot of things).
i'll be honest, if it were ANY other guy on the face of this planet telling me these things, i wouldn't believe him. but robin has been a constant in my life for years now and has never given me a reason not to trust him. for the most part, i believe what he says when he says it's not a rejection of me. i have no reason not to. but then there's that self-doubting thing going on in the back of my head. and it makes me feel like crap.
but there are certain things in life we cannot change, cannot control...i hate this one to the core. to be honest, it's hard not to lose hope in the whole process.