Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh - Chapter 14
Title: Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh - Chapter 14
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: Holy shit I finished it. I hope this chapter isn't too rushed, but this fic was started with a friend I don't really talk to anymore back in October 2009 while I had swine flu. I'm just so happy that I got it done; I haven't edited it at all.
To those of you still reading, you're amazing and I can't believe you put up with this drivel.
If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
Operation Leave eventually arrived at Jack’s house laden with bags of Guinness and other slightly less important food groups. Because Torchwood Three were as good at cooking as they were at everything else, it was decided that Tosh and Ianto would be in charge, Owen would perform all necessary vegetable dissections (aka chopping), and Jack and Gwen would be banished from the kitchen for everyone’s safety.
Jack and Gwen’s banishment - for reasons equally related to Guinness and the time the author spent on Quizilla in her youth - led to a rousing game of Spin the Bottle which quickly devolved into Seven Minutes in Heaven.
The game eventually landed Dr. Daniel “Girl on Every Planet” Jackson and Captain Jack “Omnisexual Manslut” Harkness inside Colonel Jack “Please Don’t Have Sex in My Closet” O’Neill’s hall closet. Because Daniel had never listened to his team leader and Jack had never listened to anyone, one man stuck his thingie in the other’s you-know-what.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was ……………………………………………………. Colonel Jack “I Fucking Told You Not to Have Sex in My Closet” O’Neill! Jack’s outburst was caused not by a headache, but by a complete lack of desire to clean jizz out of his carpet. After Daniel swore he’d everything clean up, Jack told the pair dinner was almost ready and left then alone to finish doing the do.
The evening’s only other event of note was Ianto’s inability to decide whether or not he was allowed to be irritated that his Jack had had sex with Daniel. He had, after all, had sex with the other Jack, but - dammit - the Captain was his. Ianto cheered up immensely once he and Sam discovered they had both spent their teenage rebellions street racing; the two spent dinner reminiscing much to the horror of both Jacks.
Morning found Operation Leave back on base at the SGC. Everyone had gathered in the infirmary because Lilena’s tongue depressor sculpture had gotten more elaborate overnight. Despite the confused squawking of Felger and Lee, she had incorporated the button for reasons known only to her.
Sam decided that examining Lilena’s handiwork could wait 5 minutes and conspired with Gwen to make Captain Jack and Ianto to have a conversation about how they care about each other a hell of a lot more than they’re supposed to. Rather, they would care more than they’re supposed to if Torchwood had any sort of fraternization regulations. Matchmaking duties completed, Sam steeled herself in preparation for diving into the fray around the button.
In a far corner of the infirmary, Owen’s lack of tact was even worse than usual because he was still a little drunk from the night before. This unfortunately caused him to corner Janet and tell her about all the ways she did and didn’t remind him of the Janet Torchwood Three kept in its basement. She was not amused.
Everyone else was doing things not worth mentioning.
Jack and Ianto had gone to Ianto’s quarters with the intention of having a deep, meaningful heart-to-heart, but somehow clothing got removed and they had a deep, meaningful cock-to-cock instead.
About halfway through, Ianto’s phone rang. His answer of “What?” lacked his usual polish.
“Mr. Jones, sir, you and Captain Harkness are wanted in the...”
Ianto cut Walter off by nearly shouting “Wrong number!” at his phone and hanging up abruptly.
Eventually, Walter got everyone relevant to the story herded back into the infirmary. Lilena apparently had some great announcement to make.
“Using nothing but tongue depressors, cotton swabs, and my innate magical magicness I’ve created a way to send Ianto, Gwen, Owen, Toshiko, and the correct Jack back to their universe while keeping Sam, the other Jack, Daniel, and my super-awesome date Teal’c in their universe,” Lilena announced.
Teal’c raised an eyebrow.
“Can we say goodbye first?” asked Gwen. She didn’t wait for a response before she started earnestly hugging anyone who looked like they might be SGC personnel.
The Jacks elected to stare coolly at each other while Sam and Ianto exchanged well-wishes about their respective Jacks. Neither Jack could hear what was said, but whatever it was made the tips of Sam’s ears turn pink.
Owen, Tosh, Daniel, and Teal’c shared awkward pleasantries for lack of anything better to do.
Once Gwen was reasonably certain she’d hugged everyone at least once, she gestured for Lilena to continue.
As her eyes cycled through the multiple colors they’d been over the course of the story, Lilena pressed the button and the members of Torchwood Three disappeared back to their own universe. Lilena, however, remained in the SGC.
“Who are you?” General Hammond asked her. He figured now was as good a time as any to question the stranger that had magically appeared in his base the day before.
“I used to be a waitress,” she said cryptically before requesting a flight to California because that’s where all badass women who also happen to occasionally waitress live and Lilena was not going to let her sueishness hold her back from a lifetime of needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
With the resigned shrug of a man who knew his report to Homeworld Security would never make any sense no matter what she said, General Hammond told Walter to make the necessary arrangements.
Everyone lived happily ever after because “Heroes Part 2” and “Children of Earth” never ever happened.
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: Holy shit I finished it. I hope this chapter isn't too rushed, but this fic was started with a friend I don't really talk to anymore back in October 2009 while I had swine flu. I'm just so happy that I got it done; I haven't edited it at all.
To those of you still reading, you're amazing and I can't believe you put up with this drivel.
If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
Operation Leave eventually arrived at Jack’s house laden with bags of Guinness and other slightly less important food groups. Because Torchwood Three were as good at cooking as they were at everything else, it was decided that Tosh and Ianto would be in charge, Owen would perform all necessary vegetable dissections (aka chopping), and Jack and Gwen would be banished from the kitchen for everyone’s safety.
Jack and Gwen’s banishment - for reasons equally related to Guinness and the time the author spent on Quizilla in her youth - led to a rousing game of Spin the Bottle which quickly devolved into Seven Minutes in Heaven.
The game eventually landed Dr. Daniel “Girl on Every Planet” Jackson and Captain Jack “Omnisexual Manslut” Harkness inside Colonel Jack “Please Don’t Have Sex in My Closet” O’Neill’s hall closet. Because Daniel had never listened to his team leader and Jack had never listened to anyone, one man stuck his thingie in the other’s you-know-what.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was ……………………………………………………. Colonel Jack “I Fucking Told You Not to Have Sex in My Closet” O’Neill! Jack’s outburst was caused not by a headache, but by a complete lack of desire to clean jizz out of his carpet. After Daniel swore he’d everything clean up, Jack told the pair dinner was almost ready and left then alone to finish doing the do.
The evening’s only other event of note was Ianto’s inability to decide whether or not he was allowed to be irritated that his Jack had had sex with Daniel. He had, after all, had sex with the other Jack, but - dammit - the Captain was his. Ianto cheered up immensely once he and Sam discovered they had both spent their teenage rebellions street racing; the two spent dinner reminiscing much to the horror of both Jacks.
Morning found Operation Leave back on base at the SGC. Everyone had gathered in the infirmary because Lilena’s tongue depressor sculpture had gotten more elaborate overnight. Despite the confused squawking of Felger and Lee, she had incorporated the button for reasons known only to her.
Sam decided that examining Lilena’s handiwork could wait 5 minutes and conspired with Gwen to make Captain Jack and Ianto to have a conversation about how they care about each other a hell of a lot more than they’re supposed to. Rather, they would care more than they’re supposed to if Torchwood had any sort of fraternization regulations. Matchmaking duties completed, Sam steeled herself in preparation for diving into the fray around the button.
In a far corner of the infirmary, Owen’s lack of tact was even worse than usual because he was still a little drunk from the night before. This unfortunately caused him to corner Janet and tell her about all the ways she did and didn’t remind him of the Janet Torchwood Three kept in its basement. She was not amused.
Everyone else was doing things not worth mentioning.
Jack and Ianto had gone to Ianto’s quarters with the intention of having a deep, meaningful heart-to-heart, but somehow clothing got removed and they had a deep, meaningful cock-to-cock instead.
About halfway through, Ianto’s phone rang. His answer of “What?” lacked his usual polish.
“Mr. Jones, sir, you and Captain Harkness are wanted in the...”
Ianto cut Walter off by nearly shouting “Wrong number!” at his phone and hanging up abruptly.
Eventually, Walter got everyone relevant to the story herded back into the infirmary. Lilena apparently had some great announcement to make.
“Using nothing but tongue depressors, cotton swabs, and my innate magical magicness I’ve created a way to send Ianto, Gwen, Owen, Toshiko, and the correct Jack back to their universe while keeping Sam, the other Jack, Daniel, and my super-awesome date Teal’c in their universe,” Lilena announced.
Teal’c raised an eyebrow.
“Can we say goodbye first?” asked Gwen. She didn’t wait for a response before she started earnestly hugging anyone who looked like they might be SGC personnel.
The Jacks elected to stare coolly at each other while Sam and Ianto exchanged well-wishes about their respective Jacks. Neither Jack could hear what was said, but whatever it was made the tips of Sam’s ears turn pink.
Owen, Tosh, Daniel, and Teal’c shared awkward pleasantries for lack of anything better to do.
Once Gwen was reasonably certain she’d hugged everyone at least once, she gestured for Lilena to continue.
As her eyes cycled through the multiple colors they’d been over the course of the story, Lilena pressed the button and the members of Torchwood Three disappeared back to their own universe. Lilena, however, remained in the SGC.
“Who are you?” General Hammond asked her. He figured now was as good a time as any to question the stranger that had magically appeared in his base the day before.
“I used to be a waitress,” she said cryptically before requesting a flight to California because that’s where all badass women who also happen to occasionally waitress live and Lilena was not going to let her sueishness hold her back from a lifetime of needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
With the resigned shrug of a man who knew his report to Homeworld Security would never make any sense no matter what she said, General Hammond told Walter to make the necessary arrangements.
Everyone lived happily ever after because “Heroes Part 2” and “Children of Earth” never ever happened.