It is done
She is gone. It is time to move on. Oddly I can't get angry like I should. I was at first, then regressed to ... I do not know anymore.
I made an oath that I can't walk away from that easily. But what can I do at this point? Why can't I be angry and filled with hate? I am not like that.
But I am coming more to acceptance as I feel kind of numb. I like to blame myself on failures, but this time I can't do that. I did my best worked, provided, tried to deal with issues, be optimstic when we had to move, and loved. It just wasn't enough and there is always someone more perfect and fucking better. I do not know if I got what I deserved but it is no longer my problem.
I did get what I deserved by coming back to Florida and fucking up here. Sometimes replaying bad events night after night after night really get to you.
I realize it doesn't matter how many times I do this. There is no resolution. She chose to take a risk and treat me poorly.
I had a warning last February from a creepy dream that if I talked to her again, I would be bankrupt and in financial trouble when her dead mom came in my nightmare. So far oddly, that came true. Weird indeed ...
Can I love and trust anyone else again? I think not. :-(
I also realize the people I hurt in the past too and I feel bad. Heather, Katy, and Ria. Ria tried to show interest in me again, but I am gone. I can't be attracted to her again. I need to look at Anne the same way. I just can't ... at least not right now. It was so strong and intense was our relationship. Fucking money, pain, and loss blew our faith. Alaska was very hard on her and I could not get her to leave the hosue and enjoy nature if her life depended on it.
What do I do next?
I made an oath that I can't walk away from that easily. But what can I do at this point? Why can't I be angry and filled with hate? I am not like that.
But I am coming more to acceptance as I feel kind of numb. I like to blame myself on failures, but this time I can't do that. I did my best worked, provided, tried to deal with issues, be optimstic when we had to move, and loved. It just wasn't enough and there is always someone more perfect and fucking better. I do not know if I got what I deserved but it is no longer my problem.
I did get what I deserved by coming back to Florida and fucking up here. Sometimes replaying bad events night after night after night really get to you.
I realize it doesn't matter how many times I do this. There is no resolution. She chose to take a risk and treat me poorly.
I had a warning last February from a creepy dream that if I talked to her again, I would be bankrupt and in financial trouble when her dead mom came in my nightmare. So far oddly, that came true. Weird indeed ...
Can I love and trust anyone else again? I think not. :-(
I also realize the people I hurt in the past too and I feel bad. Heather, Katy, and Ria. Ria tried to show interest in me again, but I am gone. I can't be attracted to her again. I need to look at Anne the same way. I just can't ... at least not right now. It was so strong and intense was our relationship. Fucking money, pain, and loss blew our faith. Alaska was very hard on her and I could not get her to leave the hosue and enjoy nature if her life depended on it.
What do I do next?