A Step upon a Past
For me to come here..means something when I never wanted to come back here. It's been many years. I'm in someways abit afraid
someone who still uses live journal will say "Hey Shawn came back" and then bash me. What have I been doing these any years?
I haven't done anything..just wasting my life away I was honesly hoping if I returned here one day..I'll be able to make 1 more final entry
and tell everyone im happy but that not the case. I abandon this place and been yearning to tell everyone how hard things been for me
and if not have written down somewhere secretly that im not happy. I really needed a small peice of my very own Sanctuary and didnt
have it. I tried to fall in love from time to time again..and got used. I tried to return to college and maybe make some friends maybe even
possibly finda person in real life but I had nothing in common with anyone I met with. I felt too different and to thier eyes too weird.
I couldn't join in most the conversations people had before me because I knew nothing about at the same time the conversation itself
bored me. How many years has it been since I logged on here? I can't remember..my last entry? I somewhat remember but its all fuzzy
to me and I don't wish to take a look at it ever again. I can try to fill in the blanks in the many years as what happened? My 19th birthday I
was dating Emily and she dumped me on that day and returned to her ex. At the time I had 2 people I cared very much in the world.
Both were online friends. Jayna and Uli. I never ever got the chance to tell Uli that Jayna was my very 1st gf on palace chat when I was 14.
Jayna had a huge crush on Uli at the time.. and to me Uli was the greatest friend ever. They were dating.. but things happened. They broke
up. Jayna wanted Uli back and I really tried to help her but Uli was really stubborn. To see my very 1st so sad.. and I really liked her myself
I tried to console her and kind of pushed my own feelings onto her.. just at that point Uli stopped being stubborn finally when I decided to
try to get her -sigh- worst thing possible. Kinda lost my bestest friend. I have to be honest with everyone.. Uli aka Lucifiel was a true asshole to alot of people he was really loved and hated the perfect Lucifier and I admired that but he was always so nice to me. I never got back
with Jayna or did Uli. After she gave up on uli she flirted with me abit but then disappeared for awhile and came back a future bribe to be. I for as long as I waited was really destroyed. For several years.. I had tried to date some girls..but was left or I couldnt really love them.
It's really hard and stressful.. through those years had 3 family members died and even saw my mom cry for the 1st time in my life.
You know..something that really scared me? To run out of people to like..it scared me.and you know something.. it happened.
Last year in a very long time since Jayna I found someone that went by the name Suki that I liked very much. To me it was abit of relief to try once more but just to protect 1 other persons feelings I made 1 simple lie to her and hurted her and she decided to not trust me anymore.
Just only 1 lie and I blew it. I been having carrying the blame and guilt of what I did forever because im truely sorry. Just recently I found her again at least it very much felt like I did. The way this girl acted was a splitting perfect image of suki. Even if it isnt her I felt some kind of happiness and relief to be with someone so fun and nice. We dated for a short bit but she liked someone else and left me. I been through
so much unhappiness and pain and just when I thought I would finally be okay I got kicked back down. I wonder if there some kind of
divine force at work here. Am I only a person put on this planet to suffer? I was raised without a father. I have a mother that never calls my Grandma her mom but calls her by her name instead. The entire family never gets along. I just hate it so much. I became a real recluse and shut myself away from the world at least I try to but now im more of a Hikkomori without a room to hide away in because I have no room.
I can't even say im a real recluse anymore.. I have my own dreams. I want to be in love and want to share ice cream with that person enjoy movies and kiss and everything a normal couple does. I can't even have that. Too be honest girls are very very confusing and getting one that you like to like you back is really tough work that it can be stressing. I never got to date Suki a year ago.. when I finally fell for her it was
too late.. I wasn't even given a chance.. I sat and watched many hit on her left and right and for the 1st time in my life I felt was real jealousy was.. I hated it. I disappeared. I got to date Hina who claimed to be Suki at one point even though she says she isnt my suki and can't remember 1 year ago it was absolutely amazing how much she was alike the old suki from 1 year ago. I want to cherish my very small
memory I have with u Hina. I had a chance and I lost it. I learned something.. When you have real true friends.. you got nothing to be afraid of. But the ones I thought of as my real true friends are gone..have been gone for years. My place in life as to where I fit in? It felt like no where. I don't want to put down those who wish to call me thier friend but by chance they read this I just want them to know that I wish you
try to get to know me and I will try to get to know you that is 1 look and one of the ways I see what real friends are. I want my friends to know my fun side. my hobbies my abilities my likes and dislikes. I want the person I fall for to know and be able to accept my failure's my love
for things and my hate for other things the good and dark side of me. Accept me completely for who I am. I'm not perfect so I can accept there could be things you couldnt like about me I just want someone nice and honest with me. Wow I really typed alot..I got so much on my mind. You really couldn't believe the weight of things that been stuck in my head. My head is feeling abit hazzy now..so much more I want to say but im drawing blanks..-sigh-. Sorry Hina..thank you for putting a smile on me again even for a short moment.