Emotional Stress
I cant stop thinking..I think way too much.. I feel inside
me that I want something that I know that will never be.
Its killing me..all my emotions and all the things about me.
How does it feel like..knowing the answers to your questions..
and yet..you cant do anything about them..Just hiding your
own feelings from yourself and from the world and even "that"
important person that gives you life and wanting to continue
to live. I cant hold some things inside me no longer..
Running from the harsh realities of real life to a pc?
What I see on a pc in this so called virtual world isnt
even real to me.. I made so many mistakes while I was younger
and paying for them now. Who do I got to talk to? No One..
Who I have to share the things im interested in.. No One..
I'm a real true lone wolf online and in real life..
Coming online not saying much..leaving rooms and palaces
without saying bye to anyone so suddenly.. People I use to
hang out with.. that old gang.. never together anymore I
rarely see them now.. only something that is just a faded
memory now. Does anyone even wanna know my exact thoughts?
Does anyone even wanna know to really get to know my true
self? Me taking off the mask that hidden me for so many years!
I'm just a human being..who fell for the wrong people..
I'm just a human being..who made really bad mistakes..
It just doesnt matter..who I dated.. I have really tried
to move on but.. there was always this particular person
that made my heart feel warm.. Friends or not I cant stop
loving this person.. and yet.. I know.. reality strips me
from a dream I wished more then anything it was a reality.
How does it feel to have told this person everything but know
it will never go beyond that.. your just a friend nothing more
How does it feel to know all these things.. and try so hard
to understand..and do understand..but your feelings and mind
are going 2 seperate directions.. The feelings stay but to
pretend.. they were never there.. Can you relate to me on that?
A thousand times someone can tell me there is other fish
in the sea, A Thousand times someone can tell me it will heal
with time.. but yet..the wound is only increasing. I'm
becoming more depressed.. I am losing interest in more things
I have already lost in.. to be honest.. I dont even feel
humane anymore..only thing left is those feelings and those
feelings alone. I really think im a person what someone can
call in terms a "lone wolf". A question I can ask myself that nobody asks me is "What you do everyday?" Sadly..I will be
willing to answer truthfully.. that all I do is eat,drink
watch anime on my pc. What kind of life you call that?
If im not on my pc..im in dream land..in deep thought..
Is it strange..to always..get such vivid pictures.. running
in your mind all the time from your past? The good times..
you know? Times..are just not there almost never anymore.
If I could..I would just talk about this person all day long
her personality the many years I known her.. how pretty she
is even though she disagree..heh..you know..when she does
succeed in making me laugh..my heart just seem to race
I'm so attracted to her personality and music she listens to.
She so mature and smart as well and hard working might I add.
Are you still reading this? If you have read this far.. you
prolly thinking one of 3 times.. 1. your own problems 2. You want to give me advice cause you feel sad for me 3.Want to check to see if im okay and maybe cheer me up. 4th would be you dont give a fuck but if you read this far.. I dont think thats it. But..really.. Dont tell me..to get out more..I tried that and it just doesnt work for me.. it just seems.. when im
away from my pc.. I just think of my past more.. People
have already told me..to lighten up..I act like a grandpa..
I would prolly agree..but dont care.. I'm only 20 and I feel
like I had lived.. a thousand generations alone. But anyways
im typing down my exact thoughts this time..something I wasnt
able to do in my past entries.. so to just simply put it
simple so you can process all I said in a much clearer since.
"I really like this certain girl I met online and I known for
several years. I believe it was 5 years and last year..
she was struggling abit..and I wanted to be there for her
cause I cared, I never got that chance to date her cause
she was hurting over over an old one.. and then somehow.
she lost the net for several months and came back with
a new bf *sigh* it doesnt matter..what I do.. I keep leaving
hints.. I dont know if im doing it purposely or unconciously
that I still like her..and I know she realizes them but now
she just..seem to ignore them now..and I see that..so I try
my best to pretend..they were never there, but they still are.
She told me..to throw them away..but it isnt easy..
compressing them more is just now making me feel even more
not human I already feel. Damn it I cant help it just talking
about her stupid home work makes me feel better just for that
short moment..im just been going through several months
of depression..the worst I ever been..and at the end..I just
know..I have to deal with all of this.. but I will never
be the same.
P.S. My tears continue to pour even when they stopped
and dried up on the outside.
me that I want something that I know that will never be.
Its killing me..all my emotions and all the things about me.
How does it feel like..knowing the answers to your questions..
and yet..you cant do anything about them..Just hiding your
own feelings from yourself and from the world and even "that"
important person that gives you life and wanting to continue
to live. I cant hold some things inside me no longer..
Running from the harsh realities of real life to a pc?
What I see on a pc in this so called virtual world isnt
even real to me.. I made so many mistakes while I was younger
and paying for them now. Who do I got to talk to? No One..
Who I have to share the things im interested in.. No One..
I'm a real true lone wolf online and in real life..
Coming online not saying much..leaving rooms and palaces
without saying bye to anyone so suddenly.. People I use to
hang out with.. that old gang.. never together anymore I
rarely see them now.. only something that is just a faded
memory now. Does anyone even wanna know my exact thoughts?
Does anyone even wanna know to really get to know my true
self? Me taking off the mask that hidden me for so many years!
I'm just a human being..who fell for the wrong people..
I'm just a human being..who made really bad mistakes..
It just doesnt matter..who I dated.. I have really tried
to move on but.. there was always this particular person
that made my heart feel warm.. Friends or not I cant stop
loving this person.. and yet.. I know.. reality strips me
from a dream I wished more then anything it was a reality.
How does it feel to have told this person everything but know
it will never go beyond that.. your just a friend nothing more
How does it feel to know all these things.. and try so hard
to understand..and do understand..but your feelings and mind
are going 2 seperate directions.. The feelings stay but to
pretend.. they were never there.. Can you relate to me on that?
A thousand times someone can tell me there is other fish
in the sea, A Thousand times someone can tell me it will heal
with time.. but yet..the wound is only increasing. I'm
becoming more depressed.. I am losing interest in more things
I have already lost in.. to be honest.. I dont even feel
humane anymore..only thing left is those feelings and those
feelings alone. I really think im a person what someone can
call in terms a "lone wolf". A question I can ask myself that nobody asks me is "What you do everyday?" Sadly..I will be
willing to answer truthfully.. that all I do is eat,drink
watch anime on my pc. What kind of life you call that?
If im not on my pc..im in dream land..in deep thought..
Is it strange..to always..get such vivid pictures.. running
in your mind all the time from your past? The good times..
you know? Times..are just not there almost never anymore.
If I could..I would just talk about this person all day long
her personality the many years I known her.. how pretty she
is even though she disagree..heh..you know..when she does
succeed in making me laugh..my heart just seem to race
I'm so attracted to her personality and music she listens to.
She so mature and smart as well and hard working might I add.
Are you still reading this? If you have read this far.. you
prolly thinking one of 3 times.. 1. your own problems 2. You want to give me advice cause you feel sad for me 3.Want to check to see if im okay and maybe cheer me up. 4th would be you dont give a fuck but if you read this far.. I dont think thats it. But..really.. Dont tell me..to get out more..I tried that and it just doesnt work for me.. it just seems.. when im
away from my pc.. I just think of my past more.. People
have already told me..to lighten up..I act like a grandpa..
I would prolly agree..but dont care.. I'm only 20 and I feel
like I had lived.. a thousand generations alone. But anyways
im typing down my exact thoughts this time..something I wasnt
able to do in my past entries.. so to just simply put it
simple so you can process all I said in a much clearer since.
"I really like this certain girl I met online and I known for
several years. I believe it was 5 years and last year..
she was struggling abit..and I wanted to be there for her
cause I cared, I never got that chance to date her cause
she was hurting over over an old one.. and then somehow.
she lost the net for several months and came back with
a new bf *sigh* it doesnt matter..what I do.. I keep leaving
hints.. I dont know if im doing it purposely or unconciously
that I still like her..and I know she realizes them but now
she just..seem to ignore them now..and I see that..so I try
my best to pretend..they were never there, but they still are.
She told me..to throw them away..but it isnt easy..
compressing them more is just now making me feel even more
not human I already feel. Damn it I cant help it just talking
about her stupid home work makes me feel better just for that
short moment..im just been going through several months
of depression..the worst I ever been..and at the end..I just
know..I have to deal with all of this.. but I will never
be the same.
P.S. My tears continue to pour even when they stopped
and dried up on the outside.