Staying off the flipside
I thought I was becoming manic this morning. I was actually afraid as I felt it happening and am now home from work.
I tried to avoid work this morning, but felt obligated as I was not able to reach someone who could replace me as bus monitor. I called the manager and let her known I would likely need to head home once at work. (I work with intellectually disabled adults at a centre and once a week at a residence.)
It went from crying and feeling upset this morning with some physical symptoms of stress and wanting to take a mental health day to feeling like I was starting to slip away to the flipside. I felt like I was high for most of the bus ride.
I started to calm down on the ride home. Had a hard time with crowds of people at work while briefly there. Tried to explain that I was sick with physical symptoms only to a concerned co-worker while wondering if I look sick enough to miss work and hoping I'm coherent enough to be understood. Being there made me feel pretty light headed. I wasn't even sure if I should be driving the few blocks back home from where I parked to get on the bus and had doubts about driving in the first place to get there.
Once home, I colored with M. for awhile, mostly to soothe myself.
I know I didn't get enough sleep last night either. Some nights lately, I feel bothered and can't easily wind down.
Mostly bothered by feeling like I don't have enough time for the kids, cleaning/organizing or have enough time for myself. I would like to cut down on my time at work, but also need the money, so it's tough to decide what to do. S. has been home on disability and now regular benefits and it would probably be better financially if I wait until he's working again. But kids are off school and I would like to spend more time with them. I could go back and forth with that one for awhile. I should make sure my mind is clear enough before making any major decisions. I do know that I don't want to continue feeling so shitty because it feels like life is just wrong right now. I dont want to look back with regret is I continue down this path which often feels miserable.
I also know I'm becoming familiar with some more extreme emotions again as I'm almost done tapering Abilify. Going back on it won't solve anything though, it just masks things.
I tried to avoid work this morning, but felt obligated as I was not able to reach someone who could replace me as bus monitor. I called the manager and let her known I would likely need to head home once at work. (I work with intellectually disabled adults at a centre and once a week at a residence.)
It went from crying and feeling upset this morning with some physical symptoms of stress and wanting to take a mental health day to feeling like I was starting to slip away to the flipside. I felt like I was high for most of the bus ride.
I started to calm down on the ride home. Had a hard time with crowds of people at work while briefly there. Tried to explain that I was sick with physical symptoms only to a concerned co-worker while wondering if I look sick enough to miss work and hoping I'm coherent enough to be understood. Being there made me feel pretty light headed. I wasn't even sure if I should be driving the few blocks back home from where I parked to get on the bus and had doubts about driving in the first place to get there.
Once home, I colored with M. for awhile, mostly to soothe myself.
I know I didn't get enough sleep last night either. Some nights lately, I feel bothered and can't easily wind down.
Mostly bothered by feeling like I don't have enough time for the kids, cleaning/organizing or have enough time for myself. I would like to cut down on my time at work, but also need the money, so it's tough to decide what to do. S. has been home on disability and now regular benefits and it would probably be better financially if I wait until he's working again. But kids are off school and I would like to spend more time with them. I could go back and forth with that one for awhile. I should make sure my mind is clear enough before making any major decisions. I do know that I don't want to continue feeling so shitty because it feels like life is just wrong right now. I dont want to look back with regret is I continue down this path which often feels miserable.
I also know I'm becoming familiar with some more extreme emotions again as I'm almost done tapering Abilify. Going back on it won't solve anything though, it just masks things.