my fear: listen, respond and learn
I just read this: http://www.davidmansaray.com/dealing-with-anxiety and thought I might journal based on his advice.
My fear is based on failure. It feels like so much rides on getting my career back. I'm getting so much help from family, but I often feel like I can't perform based on my expectations (perhaps theirs as well), leading to feelings of guilt. I feel like I'm failing somewhat as a parent (more guilt), like I'm not fulfilling my role- similar to how I'm not fulfilling my role as someone with a career. These feelings of inadequacy linger and have an effect on my self-esteem and confidence which likely effects how I approach life situations. I was raised to be career-driven and was always told I could do whatever I put my mind to, but I haven't been sure of this for some time now due to my perceived failures (loss of career, failing my course, struggling with life in general). I wonder how much of a role having mental health issues has played in all of this. I wonder how I can push through this to succeed in this program? And if my mental health issues will continue to plague my career if I do get back to nursing? And also if I will be able to find work locally, preferably with my previous employer despite the issues I had that were primarily related to mental illness? (I worked in mental health, so you'd think that since we taught not to stigmatize those with mental health issues that I would be given a fair chance in being given the opportunity for re-employment. However, I did send in a resume some time ago with no response, which can't help but leave one wondering. I made the decision to come clean with my manager about my mental health issues since I wasn't well at work due to the side effects of the medication I was taking at the time in hopes that she would understand. I plan to re-apply once I'm done this program because this is the kind of work I enjoy most, despite the fact that I am feeling shunned and that much of the health care team has seen me sitting in the outpatient side of the facility waiting for meds or an appointment! A little unnerving... and what a tangent I've just gone off on.) I know the fear/anxiety I feel makes it hard to focus on my studying and leads me into all kinds of procrastinating activities. I would like to learn ways to better manage this and come up with strategies to combat it. Some days this works better than others; a little self-talk might go a long way, but on other days I can't seem to convince myself to get back to the books when I'm off track; the limits I try to set aren't working or once I do eventually get back to it, I lose my focus quickly. I think researching anxiety and studying/focusing and techniques to deal with it will be helpful since I already do feel calmer today after reading up last night and today than I did yesterday. And maybe I do have some perfectionist tendencies that are not well-acknowledged; particularly the fear of failing. I've failed that course, so then what? I survived and I'm trying again. However, if I fail again, I'm out of the program, which scares me because I wonder "then what"? The most practical thing would be finding work as a health care aid (rather than work in the service industry). But I feel that all my years of university would be wasted- unless someday I branch off into something else based on my nursing degree. Someday when the kids are older. And I don't know if I really want to be a health care aid... it would just be something to help pay the bills, something that I would try to make the best of. I realize life wouldn't be over if I failed the program, but I want to fight for my career no matter what the outcome. I've worked for this, and will do my best to continue to do so. I also see that I need to work for my mental health (although things seemed fine just a couple of weeks ago); it's tied into everything in my life and it needs to be taken care of. It might mean sucking it up and going back to counseling for a session or two which I will consider, but in the meantime, I'll learn what I can on my own.
My fear is based on failure. It feels like so much rides on getting my career back. I'm getting so much help from family, but I often feel like I can't perform based on my expectations (perhaps theirs as well), leading to feelings of guilt. I feel like I'm failing somewhat as a parent (more guilt), like I'm not fulfilling my role- similar to how I'm not fulfilling my role as someone with a career. These feelings of inadequacy linger and have an effect on my self-esteem and confidence which likely effects how I approach life situations. I was raised to be career-driven and was always told I could do whatever I put my mind to, but I haven't been sure of this for some time now due to my perceived failures (loss of career, failing my course, struggling with life in general). I wonder how much of a role having mental health issues has played in all of this. I wonder how I can push through this to succeed in this program? And if my mental health issues will continue to plague my career if I do get back to nursing? And also if I will be able to find work locally, preferably with my previous employer despite the issues I had that were primarily related to mental illness? (I worked in mental health, so you'd think that since we taught not to stigmatize those with mental health issues that I would be given a fair chance in being given the opportunity for re-employment. However, I did send in a resume some time ago with no response, which can't help but leave one wondering. I made the decision to come clean with my manager about my mental health issues since I wasn't well at work due to the side effects of the medication I was taking at the time in hopes that she would understand. I plan to re-apply once I'm done this program because this is the kind of work I enjoy most, despite the fact that I am feeling shunned and that much of the health care team has seen me sitting in the outpatient side of the facility waiting for meds or an appointment! A little unnerving... and what a tangent I've just gone off on.) I know the fear/anxiety I feel makes it hard to focus on my studying and leads me into all kinds of procrastinating activities. I would like to learn ways to better manage this and come up with strategies to combat it. Some days this works better than others; a little self-talk might go a long way, but on other days I can't seem to convince myself to get back to the books when I'm off track; the limits I try to set aren't working or once I do eventually get back to it, I lose my focus quickly. I think researching anxiety and studying/focusing and techniques to deal with it will be helpful since I already do feel calmer today after reading up last night and today than I did yesterday. And maybe I do have some perfectionist tendencies that are not well-acknowledged; particularly the fear of failing. I've failed that course, so then what? I survived and I'm trying again. However, if I fail again, I'm out of the program, which scares me because I wonder "then what"? The most practical thing would be finding work as a health care aid (rather than work in the service industry). But I feel that all my years of university would be wasted- unless someday I branch off into something else based on my nursing degree. Someday when the kids are older. And I don't know if I really want to be a health care aid... it would just be something to help pay the bills, something that I would try to make the best of. I realize life wouldn't be over if I failed the program, but I want to fight for my career no matter what the outcome. I've worked for this, and will do my best to continue to do so. I also see that I need to work for my mental health (although things seemed fine just a couple of weeks ago); it's tied into everything in my life and it needs to be taken care of. It might mean sucking it up and going back to counseling for a session or two which I will consider, but in the meantime, I'll learn what I can on my own.