FIC: I'm Too Sexy (1/2)
Finn Hudson’s getting a little paranoid. Okay, he’s getting a lot paranoid. He’s afraid that his girlfriend is totally outdoing him in the sack. He’s the man, he’s supposed to be the one with all the crazy sex moves and the hot ideas. He’s the one who’s supposed to want to bend her over and just take her wherever he is. Rachel’s not supposed to want any of that stuff. She’s supposed to be worried about everything being emotional and fluffy and cute and stuff. She’s supposed to want like bunny rabbit sex or something and he’s supposed to want anaconda sex. Well, he doesn’t exactly know how anacondas have sex but it must be pretty weird and awesome, right? They’re anacondas. But he feels like Rachel’s the anaconda and he’s the bunny rabbit and that’s so not cool.
So, he’s going to the only person that he knows can help him out. Him and Puck are sort of cool again, whatever. They didn’t really talk about what happened two years ago but they drink beer by the seven eleven and stuff, and they hang out outside of school, so things have pretty much gone back to the way they were before the whole baby drama thing. They’re in senior year now, it’s time to put the past in the past. But still, he can’t help but feel like he’s in freshman year, talking about the time Puck lost his virginity to Mrs. Plekanzsky. He feels awkward and inexperienced as he rings the doorbell.
“Hey dude,” Puck greets, shirtless, of course as he leans against the doorframe.
“Dude, do you have to be shirtless every time I come over?” Finn groans, raking his hand through his hair as he steps in.
“I didn’t know if it was you or like a hot pizza delivery chick or something. It’s always better to be prepared, Hudson,” Puck reminds him, to which Finn simply rolls his eyes.
“I need your help with something,” Finn blurts out, shoving his hands into his pockets. He’s nervous and embarrassed, and his cheeks are flushed.
“Dude, I’m flattered that you’d come to me and everything, but there’s no way that I’m helping you figure out your sexuality issues. The Puckasaurus does not do dick,” Puck teases, closing the door and taking a sip of the beer that was already in his hand.
“You’re an asshole,” Finn mumbles, punching him in the arm.
“I know,” Puck shrugs, tossing him a can of beer, “but you like it.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Finn sighs, moving to the living room to sit down on the couch.
“What do you need help with, then?” his friend inquires, arching a brow at him.
“I - I need tips about how to amp things up, you know… in the bedroom,” Finn blushes, looking away from Puck.
“You need to know how to turn Berry into a freak. I bet she won’t even give you a -“
“No! That’s not the problem,” Finn stammers, cutting Puck off before he has a chance to finish his sentence, because honestly he doesn’t want to know what Puck was thinking. “I’m the problem, dude. Like, she’s totally a freak in between the sheets and it’s kind of wigging me out. She wanted me to tie her up yesterday and I had no idea what the fuck I was supposed to be doing after I tied her up,” he admitted, chewing on his lip.
“That’s embarrassing, Finnessa,” Puck sighed. Finn hated that nickname, and Puck seemed to throw it out at the most inopportune (a word he’d picked up from Rachel) times, like right then when he was really having trouble. “Your girlfriend is freaky as shit, she tells you to tie her up and what did you end up doing? Please tell me you let her sit there horny and begging for a while before you actually made her come…”
“Um…” Finn mumbled, looking away again. Why hadn’t he thought of doing that? He could have made Rachel beg for something. That sounded pretty awesome. What was not awesome was the slap upside the head that Puck gave him. “Ow - fuck!”
“Dude, you’re the man. Your job isn’t to care about feelings or anything, aside from how good your dick feels when you stick it in her,” Puck groaned, shaking his head like he was scolding a child. “You’re supposed to be the one who’s in charge. The only reason why you’re supposed to be going out on dates and doing that kind of stuff with her is because she’s earned it for letting you spread her legs. The way you’re going you might as well let her let her strap one on and fu-“
“Puck!” Finn shouted, growling unhappily. “I know. I know I’m supposed to be the man and I’m supposed to talk dirty to her and gross her out and tell her I’m going to fuck her so hard she won’t be able to walk and stuff. I’ve watched porn I know how it works. But I want to catch her kind of off guard. Like, I want to be in charge or do something for her so she doesn’t feel like she has to be in charge all the time and everything. She reminds me of when we’re going on dates so I think she just assumes that she has to take charge of our sex life, too. But I don’t necessarily want it to be that way. I mean, sometimes yeah it’s kind of cool for her to contribute and everything. Like that time we were in the shower and she picked up her leg half way through and stuck it on my shoulder. Like, that was kind of awesome because it just felt so good and she-“
“She can get her leg up on your shoulder? Fuck, can I borrow her?” Puck asked, totally serious.
Finn was sure that his punch to the arm was enough of an answer. “Okay, so tell me what I gotta do, bro.”
“If you really wanna drive her crazy, you gotta put on a show for her. Berry is a performer, right? She likes everything to be big and dramatic. If you wanna catch her attention and make her go ‘hold up, I better pay attention’, you gotta perform - so- oh shit, you’re gonna have to thank me for ever bro. You owe me like ten cases of beer for this one,” Puck grinned.
“What? What?” Finn asked, wide eyed. He just wanted to hear Puck’s idea.
“You gotta strip for her. But not like the kind of stripping you do when you just wanna get naked. Like, sexy stripping. A striptease. I’m talking music, hip shaking, maybe some sexy grinding, the works. Thing male stripper but like… without the costume,” Puck suggested.
“Dude,” Finn replied, totally in awe of his friend. “That’s like the best idea ever. But wait - how am I gonna know what to do? I mean, it’s not like I’ve done this before…”
“Just think of the Puckerone. What would the Puckerone do?”
“Isn’t that a little… gay? Asking me to think of you when I’m stripping for my girlfriend?”
“Of course it’s gay, but you gotta admit, you’re thinking of it right now, and it’s a hot sight.”
God damn it, Puck was right. Ew. He must have shown something to the effect because Puck was just looking at him with the biggest shit-eating grin ever.
“Go ahead dude, text her. Tell her you want to take her out for dinner, so she won’t be suspicious if you’re in a suit and shit,” Puck suggested.
Finn did as his friend suggested and texted Rachel. A few minutes later he got a reply that she was free and would be “overjoyed” to go out to a nice dinner with him. “We’re good,” he nodded, before looking up at Puck seriously. “Wait,” he growled.
“What?” Puck inquired.
“I don’t know how to tie a tie,” Finn mumbled, blushing again.
“Ugh, wait here,” Puck sighed, getting up and grumbling to himself as he walked out of the room, only to come back in a few minutes later with a tie. “I feel like I’m in fucking Brokeback Mountain or something today,” he sighed, looping the tie around Finn’s neck.
Yeah, this did feel pretty gay. I really, really need to start spending time with Burt in the mechanic shop…