♔ [Text]
[ If anyone is looking for N, he will not be easy to find. His Pokemon seem to be missing too, though his name still registers on the SFC. However, he does not seem to be answering messages, though one is free to leave one and try their luck
( Read more... )
At the moment, he's lying down on a bed. He immediately sits up to read over this the best he can. And when he finished, his fingers trembled as he presses them against the SFC.
If only there's a way to instantly say everything he wants to, but all he can do is go through them letter by letter slowly, at least for now... Though, due to his fingers not cooperating, he had to constantly erase his accidental typographical errors.]
N, that's not it at all. everyone is different from each other. everyone has their own beliefs. you shouldn't feel bad that you are different ( ... )
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You wanted to hit me.
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but i should've calmed down first. though with that kind of sight, i just couldn't stand still.
i'm sorry. i would never hurt you intentionally.
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are you feeling better?
[ He does not want to talk about himself any more. All the thoughts going through his head are painful, but he feels he cannot reach out. ]
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N, I will never feel better until I see you. my feelings haven't changed.
even though you don't like it anymore, I will continue to protect you. you don't have to accept my decisions, but this is what I decided to do.
N, no matter how much you think you're handling all this by yourself, you're not. I'm involved in this as well. even I'm trying to find the words to say.
but in the end, this is what I decided to do. I will always be here, even if you close the door on me. I'm still standing near you. I'm right behind you...
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I'm so stupid sometimes. You shouldn't have to worry about me all the time. I just make you feel worse.
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N, you know how I feel for you. with that, how can I not worry about you? how can you think that I feel worse for you? do you feel the same way for me when I got sick the other day? or whenever I get myself in trouble, too?
what kind of person will I be if I don't even worry for the one I love? even you are worrying for me right now, aren't you? that's not something we both can help! that's because that is something we feel, something we share. happiness, sadness, even worry... we both share these together! it's not only the good things! even through suffering, I will still choose to be with you!
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I make my Pokemon suffer because I'm not strong enough to protect them.
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you have never made me- --us feel that way! The only times that you make me suffer is when you missed to realize how much I actually need you by my side, too! when you're not at my side... when I can't even see you, when I can't reach you... when I see you running away by yourself, unknown to me where you'll go and what will happen next. that's when I suffer ( ... )
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im supposed to be their trainer, their friend, protect them
i couldn't i couldn't i was stupid and i got them hurt they could have died
because i was hiding behind them and wouldnt hit him myself
because i got angry and i was stupid and i used them i hate people who use pokemon but i did it i did it i used them as shields and ill use you and minato if im near you i cant help myself you always know what to do and how to make things better when i cant
i never can im too stupid
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... N.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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You call me strong, you say that I always know what to do... But I actually don't. Right now, I don't know what to do or even say. I'm only human, too. I'm human, just like you.
We all get lost like this. Like you, I don't know what now. I'm just saying how I really feel and what I really want to do. And that is to see you... I want to be able to hold you now.
[Red pauses for now, closing his eyes for a brief silence. But after a small, slow breath...]
[...] Something happened to your Pokemon, am I right? But regardless of that, did they ever blame you?
You're with them now, am I right? Will look at them for me?
Will you tell me if they look at you with blame? I am sure that they don't blame you at all. They still love you, despite your mistakes. [And, Red knows that feeling... He has committed so much mistakes, too. But people still love ( ... )
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[ For that is how N feels. He feels he is as bad as Ghetsis, sending his Pokemon against Naoya and getting them hurt for it. ]
They fight for me, you'll fight for me, you'll all get hurt and it's not your fight. It's me, it's me wanting and being stupid and I should be the only one that gets hurt, not my friends!
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You're mistaking your feelings for something else, N. I know that you're not that kind of person.
You're just too kind. [Too pure, and naive...] You think that having someone get hurt for you is already a bad thing. While getting hurt is never a good thing, the reason behind it may not be. If someone did it for a reason, be it your Pokemon, me, or anyone else-
Then it is justified. And all our decisions do have a reason. It's not as simple as because we decided to protect you or you ordered us to do it. It goes... much more than that.
Even if you say that you ordered it, it's still our own decision to truly do it or not. We've just decided to do it, because of our own reasons. You're not using us, N. We're not dumb. We have our own minds with our own wills. So, don't blame yourself for that. It's our own.
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It feels like it's my fault. Even if you say it's not. It hurts, when I lose, when my friends are harmed because they wanted to battle for me and I let them...
I don't want it to happen to you. I don't. It'd hurt too much.
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