The Times, They Are A-Changin'

[savor_last_shot]

Who: Garrus, open to Normandy haus.
Where: Normandy House
What: Garrus is human; hilarity ensues.
When: Afternoon.
Warnings: Possible anaphylactic shock, probably swearing, maybe violence.

Comments

[cmdr_renegade]

Shepard had just managed to get the coffee into the machine when Garrus started yammering. She assumed it was him bitching about having five fingers until he started gasping and clawing at his throat. One look at the dextro nutrient paste next to his foot clarified the situation completely. Judging by the redness of face and the way he was flailing, he'd taken a healthy mouthful and had a pretty serious allergy to it.

Figured.

Shepard didn't panic, ever, and this situation was no exception. Calmly, Shepard opened the cabinet next to the refrigerator, just above Garrus's head. She'd half figured Parker or Virgil's rotund redhead would eventually give those packets a try and had stocked a few spare adrenaline needles next to the coffee filters.

With the calm repose of someone who had both done it before and accepted the inevitability of the situation happening again, Shepard uncapped one and looked Garrus over. Considering that he'd downed half the nutrient pack and was turning a healthy maroon, stabbing him in the leg or the arm weren't great options. The extensiveness of Turian armor also made that a problem. Without much pause, she pulled his hand away from his throat and promptly stabbed him in the side of the neck.

He gasped, but looked much improved as the adrenaline hit his blood. After a second Shepard pulled the empty syringe away and turned back to finish making her coffee.

"Good job. Give it a minute and go take a seat," she said and pulled another mug out. "I'll get you something that won't result in anaphylaxis."

[savor_last_shot]

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He hadn't been thinking, been too distracted - ironically enough - by his new human body to think about what he was eating. And he'd been about to die on the floor, if Shepard hadn't stabbed him in the neck with something. He took a deep breath of air as his throat started to open again and he managed to stagger to a seat and he slumped with a clatter. After a few moments of gulping in air and waiting for his stomach to settle, he slumped over, head rested on his arms.

"...this is ridiculous. I have five fingers, I'm allergic to my own food and my eyesight-"

He squinted.

"...my eyesight seems worse. I think. I don't even have mandibles. Just because I like humans doesn't mean I wanted to be one-!"

Yeah, he was about to start ranting.

[cmdr_renegade]

Shepard listened to Garrus in only the most technical way. She had no idea how he took his coffee and, having never tasted dextro food (for obvious reasons), had no way to approximate. She settled for just bringing him one of the many packs of extra mix-ins that they kept around for various local crew. She tossed it on the table in front of him and set the mug down next to his arm.

He clearly needed some kind of pep talk but given the laundry list of complaints about her species...yeah.

"So you've been rendered completely ineffective because of a few spare fingers and a lack of facial plating?" Shepard paused and took a sip of her own coffee as she wandered back to find something edible. First levo thing he ate probably shouldn't be the ration bars she usually had for breakfast. "Funny, I thought it'd be harder."

[savor_last_shot]

"I'm not ineffective," Garrus snapped. His mood was worse than usual. "It's just... strange! How would you like it if you woke up one morning and your body felt wrong? I should be moving my mandibles right now, but I don't have any, so I just end up-"

He shook his head sullenly and plucked the cup of coffee off of the table with a muttered, "Thanks," and downed a large gulp of it. He paused, glanced at the mug in his hands and then up at Shepard, "...this coffee stuff is pretty good. Bit of a rush to it."

[cmdr_renegade]

"That's the caffeine," Shepard replied and took another drink. She chose not to answer the first line of bitching. (Woke up one morning to a body that felt wrong? Oh Garrus, gold star.)

"And cut the whining about the mandibles. You have movable facial features, they get the job done," Shepard added as she continued to look for food amid the strange conglomeration of parts and ammunition that littered the room. "The voice is a definite downgrade, but not that bad overall."

Apparently Sagan had been by recently with more baked goods. She was...halfheartedly avoiding him, she still didn't know how to deal with people who were genuinely happy to see her, but he didn't seem to mind. Kept trying to buy her off with baking.

It was working too.

Shepard cut a piece of the--banana and walnut bread? Sure. She cut a couple pieces and tossed them on a plate before heading back over to the table.

"Look at it this way: you could have turned into Virgil."

[savor_last_shot]

"I don't even want think about that," Garrus shuddered. Virgil. Ugh. Disgusting, slimy little bastard. Sometimes he wondered why Shepard kept him around the way she did. He wasn't even all that useful. He propped his chin in his hand - man, that was weird - and took another slurp. He eyed the food that Shepard was presenting him and then snagged a slice and took a bite.

Hey, not bad. He hadn't realized how hungry he was and he began chewing and swallowing very quickly (hard to get used to, chewing). Almost choked once or twice before he reminded himself that humans chewed their food. He washed the bread down with more coffee.

"It's still weird," he complained half-heartedly. At least Shepard was around to keep him company. And the rest of the crew.

"Joker is going to flip when he hears about this."

[cmdr_renegade]

"I say you go harass him," Shepard suggested with a shrug and finished her cup of coffee. She snagged the (now empty) plate and took it with her as she went to get another cup.

"Bound to be as amusing as it is unproductive."

[savor_last_shot]

"Amusing for me? Or him?" He paused and settled his features into what he thought was a human grin, "...or you?"

[cmdr_renegade]

Garrus looked bizarre with a grin on his face...well, a grin that didn't involve mandibles. It was forced, but at least he wasn't bitching any more.

"A little of the first and a lot of the last," Shepard answered with a shrug. Freaking Joker out had been a past-time of hers even before she'd had direct command over him. True, this one wasn't her Joker, but it made the whole experience just that much more entertaining.

"Best if you can get a recording of it if you do."

[savor_last_shot]

"I see how it is. You just keep me around to keep Joker on his toes," Garrus replied dryly, "Although I suppose I can't fault you for that."

His mood was steadily improving, even if he didn't particularly like the idea of being human. It was still weird.

"Anything else you can recommend for me?"

[cmdr_renegade]

"Food, for one," Shepard added and motioned to the cabinet with her coffee hand. She didn't even try to debate the idea that she only kept him around to screw with Joker. She kept everyone around to screw with Joker, especially Joker.

"The crap we have here isn't exactly the pinnacle of excellence. Anything Sagan drops off, try it while you can. You don't beat Virgil here and you're SOL." Shepard idly folded her arms and considered. What the hell else would you tell someone to do if they were suddenly levo and human? A beat. Well, she hadn't even considered the obvious until right that moment.

That was strange.

She leveled a long, hard look at Garrus's new face. He was actually pretty handsome by general human standards, stupid armor aside. Shepard frowned.

"Weird," she announced flatly and drank the rest of her second cup in one go before discarding the mug in the sink. She pulled an adrenaline syringe out of the cabinet and tossed it to him. "Whatever you try, keep a spare syringe on you. If you die because you're allergic to peanuts, I'll never let you live it down."

[savor_last_shot]

"Hey, I'm used to crappy food. I lived on Omega, remember?" That was a joke. Really. Maybe he's getting past the bitching stage. Maybe. He drained what was left of his coffee and then, after a moment of reflection, went to get another cup. Hell, why not?

"I'll keep all of that in mind. Don't let Virgil get to the food first. Right." He laughed and then turned back toward Shepard with his fresh cup. Just in time to catch that long, hard look. He puased, blinked and stared right back.

Not quite the slightly disconcerting, sharp stare of a turian. But it was as close as he could get it, all things considered.

"...what was that look for? And what's weird?" He replied as he reached up to snag the syringe out of the air.

[cmdr_renegade]

Somehow, having her stare returned with a human version of that look was more disconcerting than his standard expression. At least she was completely convinced that it was him, at this point. No agent could play her this well.

Still, now that he'd gotten a little past his bitching stage, she wasn't going to push him back into it with a complaint about how turian he wasn't.

"That you didn't reappear with all that face-paint," Shepard joked, flatly. "Clearly you should go take care of that. Someone might actually mistake you for human."

[savor_last_shot]

"My face-paint...?" Oh, right, colony markings. He ran a hand over his (distressingly) smooth chin with a sigh. "...I probably should reapply those. Just for the sake of it."

Now that he thought about it, it felt weird to be without those markings. "...It feels a bit odd not to have them. Even when I'm human. They're such a big part of being a turian."

He waved his mug and then took a long drink.

"...you probably don't want to hear me complain."

[cmdr_renegade]

There was no probably about it.

Though, the situation was incredibly abnormal, so he'd get some leeway.

"Might not fit your face right," Shepard warned. "But go for it. Might as well do something to take your mind off the sudden DNA shift."

Shepard paused and considered something in silence. After a beat, she added:

"Least firing a weapon won't be much of a change."

[savor_last_shot]

"Better than drowning myself in misery," he replied wryly. Well, drowning himself in misery again. He'd become far too good at that on Omega. He wasn't about to repeat that any time soon.

"Well... I'll have to adjust my stock if I don't go back to normal. Otherwise, no. Shouldn't be too much of a problem."

He hoped.

"I'd suggest not using the transporter anytime soon."