> Vriska: Have all the pro8lems.
Ok. I am 8ack!
And now that I am done dealing with the hugest and most st8tionwide pro8lems (Asphodel was gr8, thanks for asking), I can deliver on my promise to fix all you dum8asses' MINI8TURE pro8lems.
So here we go! It is time for ASK AUNT VRISKA!
I am certain you will all find it helpful and inform8tive and. All that shit.
Enjoy!
This crazy gray girl keeps calling me a hallucination, and I think I might just wing a handful of change at her if I ever see her.
Problem is, all the money here is electronic. What should I do?
Dear Anonymous,
Man! Try to 8e a little more consider8. Hallucin8tions are a very serious pro8lem on this st8tion. I've had a few myself when my food got spiked or when I was dying of plague or whatever! Really weird hallucin8tions. You have no idea.
So you should convince your crazy gray girl that you are not hallucin8tory 8y punching her in the face. I wish you luck! Seriously. Like 80 percent of the other girl trolls here are assholes.
- Vriska
Hey Aunt Vriska!
Wash is a dumb bitch and he doesn't get that he needs to get laid. Can you go convince him? AWESOME.
Thanks,
Biggus Dickus
Dear Mister Dickus,
Ok!
- Vriska
Hey. Whoever Wash is. Some asshole thinks you need to lay down and take more naps, I guess........? Which is pro8a8ly true! Getting your daily snooze on is really important. Unless you are a ro8ot or an AI or an Earth human in some kind of artificial game construct 8ody, in which case it 8n't important at all. So go get laid, dum8ass! Get laid over and over until you feel 8etter. Yeah!!!!!!!!
Dear Vriska,
I need to kill a troll and I'm not sure if I've got the right weapons for it. What should I do?
From PERSON1
Dear PERSON1,
You have come to the right girl! 8ecause no8ody knows more a8out killing trolls than me. No8ody! NONE of the people. None of them.
8ut unfortun8tely, my advice would depend on which troll you are attempting to threshmurder! For example. Weaky-weak weakslime trolls (like, say, Karkat or Eridum8) can 8e killed with relatively little effort and low-tech weaponry. Whereas some of us have crazy 8ullshit powers that make things a LOT harder (in those cases, may8e some kind of nuclear missile would work).
Then, of course, SOME of us are immortal and pretty much unkilla8le. In those cases, I would recommend a8andoning all your silly little plans, running away really fast and throwing yourself off the nearest cliff. :::;D
- Vriska
I have no hands.
But I want hands.
But hands are nasty and I would never admit to wanting hands.
What do?
Dear Anonymous,
Hands 8n't nasty! They're awesome. Think of all the things you are missing out on with your tragic and lamenta8le lack of hands! Without them, you can't:
1) Flip some8ody off
2) Punch some8ody in the face
3) Punch some8ody in the face while simultaneously flipping them off
4) Cross your fingers for luck (this is more important than you would 8elieve!)
5) Poke some8ody on the nose and say "8eep"
6) Wear gloves or rings or other dum8 hand-adornments
7) Feel some8ody up in an entirely LG-6 (that's PG-13 for you Earth humans) appropri8 manner while you are making out with them
8) Get a palm-reading from a fakey-fake 8ullshit seer
What a terri8le f8! Now get your ass to the nearest med8ay, take a deep 8reath, and tell those fucking medical drones to make you a shiny new pair of hands RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. If nothing else, it will keep you 8usy enough so that you stop 8ugging me with stupid fake questions!
- Vriska
Dear Agony Vriska,
I have a real problem, and I hope you can help me! I did something really horrible, and now everyone hates me for it! This horrible thing pretty much ruined everyone's lives and even got a lot of people killed. But there are people who don't know about this horrible thing! Except one of the people who does know is going to tell everyone. Publicly! And then I will never have any friends ever again. What should I do???
Signed,
Totally Fucking Screwed
Dear Totally Fucking Screwed,
M8n, th8t is quite the situ8tion you h8ve f8und yours8lf in! First off: the p8rson who is going to t8ll every8ody is a STUP8D FUCKING 8ITCH and I am pr8tty sure th8t she is just incredi8ly jealous of how 8wesome and am8zing you are. She is pro8a8ly also ugly or fat or 8lind or all of the a8ove! So don't worry a8out her.
8ut as for your pro8lem - SM8RT people will underst8nd th8t you had re8sons for doing that horri8le thing! Presuma8ly. And if it happened a l8ng time ago (which it pro8a8ly did, not that I kn8w, o8viously) then y8u h8ve totally had the opportunity to prove th8t you have ch8nged. And stuff. So don't swe8t it!
If all else f8ils and Ugly Stupid Dum8 Tattletale Person tells? M8ke her pay. Good luck (not that you need it! :::;D)
- Vriska
so theres this insufferable mutant prick guy i want to fucking murder dont like
but someone else i dont hate is dating him for some fucking retarded reason
she doesnt seem to realize how much of a fucking psychotic pink asshole this guy is and wont listen to me
and hes been putting on this fake as shit nice guy act so she thinks hes not a fucking psycho
which he is
hes probably going to kill her and then eat the body or something one of these days
im pretty sure his kind eats human flesh
anyway how do i explain to her that her boyfriend is insane and dangerous and possibly a cannibal
Dear Stinky Anonymous,
My first piece of advice is to TAKE A 8ATH OH MY GOD. Did you drop this letter in your load gaper? Jegus FUCK!!!!!!!!
Ok. All hygiene concerns aside. This guy sounds like a total 8ulge! 8ut it 8n't reeeeeeeeally any of your 8usiness. So some8ody you have 8lack leanings for is d8ting some8ody you like. It's no 8ig deal! We've all 8een there at some point or another. You have two options here:
1) Get an auspistice to medi8 8etween you and the 8oyfriend (the 8oring option)
2) Commence h8-makeouts (the hot option).
Make sure you take a shower first,
- Vriska
THIS IS FUCKING STUPID, AND YOU'RE STUPID FOR MAKING ME DO THIS. WHY HAS MY LIFE BECOME THIS? ALL THAT'S LEFT OF MY DIGNITY AT THIS POINT IS AN ECHOING WAIL, TEARING INTO THE NOISE RECEPTORS OF LITTLE GRUBS THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE, WHISPERING HARSHLY AND SPAWNING THEIR NIGHTMARES.
FUCK
MY
LIFE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, FUCK YOUR LIFE TOO.
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE AGONY AUNT BULLSHIT FAIRYFEST IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Dear Anonymous,
That wasn't a question, dum8fuck.
Oh, w8! There seems to 8e an entirely-not-fake question written on the 8ack of this letter! Silly me!
DEAR AUNT VRISKA,
I DID A REALLY STUPID THING AND NOW THE MOST POWERFUL AND 8ADASS LADY ON THE ST8TION IS PISSED OFF AT ME AND WOULD 8E ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED IN THRESHING ME AND 8R8KING OFF MY STUPID DUM8 NU88Y HORNS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- VARKAT KANTAS
Dear Varkles,
PRAY.
- Vriska
And now that I am done dealing with the hugest and most st8tionwide pro8lems (Asphodel was gr8, thanks for asking), I can deliver on my promise to fix all you dum8asses' MINI8TURE pro8lems.
So here we go! It is time for ASK AUNT VRISKA!
I am certain you will all find it helpful and inform8tive and. All that shit.
Enjoy!
This crazy gray girl keeps calling me a hallucination, and I think I might just wing a handful of change at her if I ever see her.
Problem is, all the money here is electronic. What should I do?
Dear Anonymous,
Man! Try to 8e a little more consider8. Hallucin8tions are a very serious pro8lem on this st8tion. I've had a few myself when my food got spiked or when I was dying of plague or whatever! Really weird hallucin8tions. You have no idea.
So you should convince your crazy gray girl that you are not hallucin8tory 8y punching her in the face. I wish you luck! Seriously. Like 80 percent of the other girl trolls here are assholes.
- Vriska
Hey Aunt Vriska!
Wash is a dumb bitch and he doesn't get that he needs to get laid. Can you go convince him? AWESOME.
Thanks,
Biggus Dickus
Dear Mister Dickus,
Ok!
- Vriska
Hey. Whoever Wash is. Some asshole thinks you need to lay down and take more naps, I guess........? Which is pro8a8ly true! Getting your daily snooze on is really important. Unless you are a ro8ot or an AI or an Earth human in some kind of artificial game construct 8ody, in which case it 8n't important at all. So go get laid, dum8ass! Get laid over and over until you feel 8etter. Yeah!!!!!!!!
Dear Vriska,
I need to kill a troll and I'm not sure if I've got the right weapons for it. What should I do?
From PERSON1
Dear PERSON1,
You have come to the right girl! 8ecause no8ody knows more a8out killing trolls than me. No8ody! NONE of the people. None of them.
8ut unfortun8tely, my advice would depend on which troll you are attempting to threshmurder! For example. Weaky-weak weakslime trolls (like, say, Karkat or Eridum8) can 8e killed with relatively little effort and low-tech weaponry. Whereas some of us have crazy 8ullshit powers that make things a LOT harder (in those cases, may8e some kind of nuclear missile would work).
Then, of course, SOME of us are immortal and pretty much unkilla8le. In those cases, I would recommend a8andoning all your silly little plans, running away really fast and throwing yourself off the nearest cliff. :::;D
- Vriska
I have no hands.
But I want hands.
But hands are nasty and I would never admit to wanting hands.
What do?
Dear Anonymous,
Hands 8n't nasty! They're awesome. Think of all the things you are missing out on with your tragic and lamenta8le lack of hands! Without them, you can't:
1) Flip some8ody off
2) Punch some8ody in the face
3) Punch some8ody in the face while simultaneously flipping them off
4) Cross your fingers for luck (this is more important than you would 8elieve!)
5) Poke some8ody on the nose and say "8eep"
6) Wear gloves or rings or other dum8 hand-adornments
7) Feel some8ody up in an entirely LG-6 (that's PG-13 for you Earth humans) appropri8 manner while you are making out with them
8) Get a palm-reading from a fakey-fake 8ullshit seer
What a terri8le f8! Now get your ass to the nearest med8ay, take a deep 8reath, and tell those fucking medical drones to make you a shiny new pair of hands RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. If nothing else, it will keep you 8usy enough so that you stop 8ugging me with stupid fake questions!
- Vriska
Dear Agony Vriska,
I have a real problem, and I hope you can help me! I did something really horrible, and now everyone hates me for it! This horrible thing pretty much ruined everyone's lives and even got a lot of people killed. But there are people who don't know about this horrible thing! Except one of the people who does know is going to tell everyone. Publicly! And then I will never have any friends ever again. What should I do???
Signed,
Totally Fucking Screwed
Dear Totally Fucking Screwed,
M8n, th8t is quite the situ8tion you h8ve f8und yours8lf in! First off: the p8rson who is going to t8ll every8ody is a STUP8D FUCKING 8ITCH and I am pr8tty sure th8t she is just incredi8ly jealous of how 8wesome and am8zing you are. She is pro8a8ly also ugly or fat or 8lind or all of the a8ove! So don't worry a8out her.
8ut as for your pro8lem - SM8RT people will underst8nd th8t you had re8sons for doing that horri8le thing! Presuma8ly. And if it happened a l8ng time ago (which it pro8a8ly did, not that I kn8w, o8viously) then y8u h8ve totally had the opportunity to prove th8t you have ch8nged. And stuff. So don't swe8t it!
If all else f8ils and Ugly Stupid Dum8 Tattletale Person tells? M8ke her pay. Good luck (not that you need it! :::;D)
- Vriska
so theres this insufferable mutant prick guy i want to fucking murder dont like
but someone else i dont hate is dating him for some fucking retarded reason
she doesnt seem to realize how much of a fucking psychotic pink asshole this guy is and wont listen to me
and hes been putting on this fake as shit nice guy act so she thinks hes not a fucking psycho
which he is
hes probably going to kill her and then eat the body or something one of these days
im pretty sure his kind eats human flesh
anyway how do i explain to her that her boyfriend is insane and dangerous and possibly a cannibal
Dear Stinky Anonymous,
My first piece of advice is to TAKE A 8ATH OH MY GOD. Did you drop this letter in your load gaper? Jegus FUCK!!!!!!!!
Ok. All hygiene concerns aside. This guy sounds like a total 8ulge! 8ut it 8n't reeeeeeeeally any of your 8usiness. So some8ody you have 8lack leanings for is d8ting some8ody you like. It's no 8ig deal! We've all 8een there at some point or another. You have two options here:
1) Get an auspistice to medi8 8etween you and the 8oyfriend (the 8oring option)
2) Commence h8-makeouts (the hot option).
Make sure you take a shower first,
- Vriska
THIS IS FUCKING STUPID, AND YOU'RE STUPID FOR MAKING ME DO THIS. WHY HAS MY LIFE BECOME THIS? ALL THAT'S LEFT OF MY DIGNITY AT THIS POINT IS AN ECHOING WAIL, TEARING INTO THE NOISE RECEPTORS OF LITTLE GRUBS THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE, WHISPERING HARSHLY AND SPAWNING THEIR NIGHTMARES.
FUCK
MY
LIFE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, FUCK YOUR LIFE TOO.
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE AGONY AUNT BULLSHIT FAIRYFEST IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Dear Anonymous,
That wasn't a question, dum8fuck.
Oh, w8! There seems to 8e an entirely-not-fake question written on the 8ack of this letter! Silly me!
DEAR AUNT VRISKA,
I DID A REALLY STUPID THING AND NOW THE MOST POWERFUL AND 8ADASS LADY ON THE ST8TION IS PISSED OFF AT ME AND WOULD 8E ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED IN THRESHING ME AND 8R8KING OFF MY STUPID DUM8 NU88Y HORNS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- VARKAT KANTAS
Dear Varkles,
PRAY.
- Vriska