[Shepard had been frustrated, angry, and sick ever since she'd had to level a gun and send him back. The trip through the zone, closer to that...Marker had made everything worse. Her head was swirling, she was hearing things, and it was very hard to get a handle on reality. Her whole body felt ready to turn itself inside out. She'd been operating on cold, forced logic ever since they returned. It cut her reaction time apart, but it was the only way.
She'd activated the feed to watch Garrus, to keep an eye on him. As she watched him, she found the emotional element was a hard thing to keep separate from the focus she was forcing on herself.
Impossible it turned out.
It happened fast, only a second or two, and she hadn't been prepared. She just...hadn't been prepared to see it. For the second time, she watched him die...and this time...this time he'd put a bullet through his own face.
It tore out a vein beneath his cybernetics, went straight up, and cut cylinder out of his skull. There was no dramatic explosion, not beyond the spray of blood and tissue in the line of fire...The pistol was clean, especially at that distance. The way he went stiff and the way he slumped over--
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, that logical voice told her she was in shock.]
[A full minute passed without her knowledge, and another. She was just...just staring. She'd started to shake; it was a fine tremor that started somewhere in her chest and carried out to her fingers. It was hard to keep the feed steady, and the way the image jumped gave her some perverse illusion that he was alive.
She knew better.
Without thinking, she reached for the video function, palmed the controls and tried to blindly input a command. She had to respond. Had to...respond.
There was nothing to respond to and she just ended up sending a static image of herself staring.]
[It was, perhaps, fortunate that she couldn't hear herself over her pulse. It was in her ears and pounding in her head. She hadn't sounded so small, so damn uncertain since she'd joined the Alliance Navy.]
Video; only visible to Shepard.savor_last_shotMarch 8 2011, 08:19:03 UTC
[Anyone else watching the feed, whether through their own devices or over Shepard's shoulder is just going to see Garrus corpse sitting there, rapidly cooling.
Shepard sees something else entirely. The corpse moves - as easily as if it, as if he were alive - and sits up and stares into the camera for a moment. He looks quite calm and composed as compared to his utter lack of mental fortitude a few minutes ago. Even with the hole in his head.]
Video, man, sure looks like she's talking to a lifeless corpse.cmdr_renegadeMarch 8 2011, 08:24:47 UTC
[She visibly flinches and leans back from the feed. She's shaking so hard that she has to clench her teeth to keep them from actually rattling. She takes a few sharp breaths through her nose and blinks hard.
She knows wounds well enough to know that there's no way he just got up from that...but wants, very desperately, for it to be true. Wants it so hard that she's almost willing to ignore that voice of reason.
She opens her mouth to speak. A joke: 'Not a very difficult shot, you didn't even manage to keep it centered.'
A shaky breath is all that escapes her and even that leaves her feeling a little sick.]
...you shot yourself.
[It's not the most eloquent of statements, but it will have to suffice.]
Video. Silly, Shepard. Apostrophe is for playwrights.cmdr_renegadeMarch 8 2011, 08:37:45 UTC
[Watching that easy smile, the quiet, chastising grin spread on blood-covered mandibles--Shepard closed her eyes for the first time in a long time and held them shut. Her jaw clenched and a sharp shudder ran up her neck. She shook it off before opening her eyes again. He was still there.
Her expression was split between relief and revulsion.]
You don't know that.
[Pathetic. She was his commanding officer; a refutation like that was almost an endorsement. She swallowed, tried to find the strength to harden and refute his claim, but he's still wearing that look.]
I had to send you back, it was for your own good, for the good of the team.
[She was rambling and she knew it. Like the shaking, she couldn't seem to stop.]
[It felt like he'd just punched her in the chest. She'd been concerned with the task at hand, the Marker, the station...for a while, the Collector threat had actually passed out of mind.]
We were prepared. We were ready.
[Why couldn't she get any conviction in her voice?]
There were less than a dozen of us, Shepard. Did you really think we could take on an entire base full of Collectors?
[Garrus grimaces and shakes his head.]
We all knew that going through the Omega-4 relay was a one-way trip. I knew it. You knew it. It's why we... It's why we decided to enjoy ourselves before we all ended up dead or worse.
[His shoulders slump slightly and he just looks sad.]
[Enjoy ourselves before death. Shepard's jaw slacked and she drew a shaky breath through her mouth. That rational voice in the back of her head was repeating, over and over, that this wasn't real. He wasn't Garrus. Garrus...Garrus had shot himself in the head. Garrus had taken his own life because of what he'd been imagining. Her joy at hearing his voice was fading and that rational reminder was getting easier to listen to.
Unfortunately, even if it was a hallucination, it was telling the truth.
Keep from disturbing the crew. Wait until the last minute. She'd practically set it up to be a last hurrah.
As she closed her eyes, she was almost grateful that Garrus was actually dead.
[Garrus - or at least her hallucination of him - seems to react to that, even if it's not really him. Or maybe it is. Who knows? He leasn toward the camera, concern etched all over his features.]
Shepard. Shepard, listen to me....
[A pause and then he just sounds tired again; sad.]
[Her hand came up and pressed against her forehead. In an almost fitful gesture, she pulled her visor clean off her head. It clattered to the ground with a pronounced sort of loudness...a real sort of loudness.
That distinction didn't make it any easier to listen to Garrus call her by her first name. It didn't give her any more strength, didn't encourage her to turn down his offer of help. She was crying, she could feel the heat on her cheeks and was frustrated that no matter how tightly she closed her eyes, she couldn't stop it. She couldn't stop it and she couldn't bring herself to look at him.
[He brushes his fingers against the camera in a tender motion.]
...it doesn't hurt. The pain's gone. It's just... peace.
[And he really does sound at peace.]
Shepard, please. Don't do this to yourself. You don't have to hold it all on your shoulders - just walk away. You don't have to be a Spectre anymore. You don't have to save the galaxy. You can just... rest.
[She can hear the motion, can feel it in her mind. It's almost as clear as if he were actually brushing his hand across her face, almost as tender. It's so tempting, the urge to listen to him, it actually scares her...but she's already done this once before.
She knows what death is like, the real variety, outside this station, and it's an action she can't take. She just can't kill herself. Not after what it did before, to others, to everything. Not with the kind of consequences she knows it will bring in the long run.
Shepard opens her eyes and looks at him for a long moment, her expression is the most tender it's ever been. She actually looks...rueful, maybe even heartbroken. It's hard to see him, through the tears clawing out of her eyes, but she knows he isn't real. It really doesn't matter.
It...really doesn't matter.]
Goodbye, Garrus.
[After that sentiment, a bare fraction of a second passes and she's all but torn the wearable off her arm. The camera jars and focuses just long enough to catch her with her pistol drawn before the feed is cut.
Any further transmissions will reach a dead network id.]
She'd activated the feed to watch Garrus, to keep an eye on him. As she watched him, she found the emotional element was a hard thing to keep separate from the focus she was forcing on herself.
Impossible it turned out.
It happened fast, only a second or two, and she hadn't been prepared. She just...hadn't been prepared to see it. For the second time, she watched him die...and this time...this time he'd put a bullet through his own face.
It tore out a vein beneath his cybernetics, went straight up, and cut cylinder out of his skull. There was no dramatic explosion, not beyond the spray of blood and tissue in the line of fire...The pistol was clean, especially at that distance. The way he went stiff and the way he slumped over--
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, that logical voice told her she was in shock.]
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She knew better.
Without thinking, she reached for the video function, palmed the controls and tried to blindly input a command. She had to respond. Had to...respond.
There was nothing to respond to and she just ended up sending a static image of herself staring.]
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....Garrus.
[It was, perhaps, fortunate that she couldn't hear herself over her pulse. It was in her ears and pounding in her head. She hadn't sounded so small, so damn uncertain since she'd joined the Alliance Navy.]
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Shepard sees something else entirely. The corpse moves - as easily as if it, as if he were alive - and sits up and stares into the camera for a moment. He looks quite calm and composed as compared to his utter lack of mental fortitude a few minutes ago. Even with the hole in his head.]
Shepard.
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She knows wounds well enough to know that there's no way he just got up from that...but wants, very desperately, for it to be true. Wants it so hard that she's almost willing to ignore that voice of reason.
She opens her mouth to speak. A joke: 'Not a very difficult shot, you didn't even manage to keep it centered.'
A shaky breath is all that escapes her and even that leaves her feeling a little sick.]
...you shot yourself.
[It's not the most eloquent of statements, but it will have to suffice.]
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I know.
[He settles, getting a bit more comfortable as he watches Shepard.]
I'm sorry, but you didn't give me another way out. I-
[He sighs and his expression softens. Well, as far as a turian's expression can "soften" anyway.]
We were all going to end up dead anyway.
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Her expression was split between relief and revulsion.]
You don't know that.
[Pathetic. She was his commanding officer; a refutation like that was almost an endorsement. She swallowed, tried to find the strength to harden and refute his claim, but he's still wearing that look.]
I had to send you back, it was for your own good, for the good of the team.
[She was rambling and she knew it. Like the shaking, she couldn't seem to stop.]
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[Garrus sighs and looks away, almost as if he can't bring himself to tell her this. That hole in his skull looms a little larger.]
...Shepard, we were already dead men walking.
[He gives her one of his chiding, playful little looks.]
Don't tell me you've forgotten about the collectors?
[He is so incredibly casual for someone who just shot himself.]
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We were prepared. We were ready.
[Why couldn't she get any conviction in her voice?]
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[Garrus grimaces and shakes his head.]
We all knew that going through the Omega-4 relay was a one-way trip. I knew it. You knew it. It's why we... It's why we decided to enjoy ourselves before we all ended up dead or worse.
[His shoulders slump slightly and he just looks sad.]
Remember?
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Unfortunately, even if it was a hallucination, it was telling the truth.
Keep from disturbing the crew. Wait until the last minute. She'd practically set it up to be a last hurrah.
As she closed her eyes, she was almost grateful that Garrus was actually dead.
He'd never see her cry.]
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Shepard. Shepard, listen to me....
[A pause and then he just sounds tired again; sad.]
Jane. It's going to be alright. I can help you.
Just talk to me.
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That distinction didn't make it any easier to listen to Garrus call her by her first name. It didn't give her any more strength, didn't encourage her to turn down his offer of help. She was crying, she could feel the heat on her cheeks and was frustrated that no matter how tightly she closed her eyes, she couldn't stop it. She couldn't stop it and she couldn't bring herself to look at him.
When she spoke again, it wasn't to Garrus.]
Oh......oh God, just, please make it stop.
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[He brushes his fingers against the camera in a tender motion.]
...it doesn't hurt. The pain's gone. It's just... peace.
[And he really does sound at peace.]
Shepard, please. Don't do this to yourself. You don't have to hold it all on your shoulders - just walk away. You don't have to be a Spectre anymore. You don't have to save the galaxy. You can just... rest.
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She knows what death is like, the real variety, outside this station, and it's an action she can't take. She just can't kill herself. Not after what it did before, to others, to everything. Not with the kind of consequences she knows it will bring in the long run.
Shepard opens her eyes and looks at him for a long moment, her expression is the most tender it's ever been. She actually looks...rueful, maybe even heartbroken. It's hard to see him, through the tears clawing out of her eyes, but she knows he isn't real. It really doesn't matter.
It...really doesn't matter.]
Goodbye, Garrus.
[After that sentiment, a bare fraction of a second passes and she's all but torn the wearable off her arm. The camera jars and focuses just long enough to catch her with her pistol drawn before the feed is cut.
Any further transmissions will reach a dead network id.]
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