[DUDES? DUDES!? GLaDOS can't even repeat the word, it's so violently incorrect it just burns her processors. They were not dudes, they were test subjects and oooo--no, no. Back to the task at hand.
GLaDOS is god-tier at passive aggression, Clu, your disdainful insinuations that she holds grudges won't get to her. They are also true in a way you cannot yet imagine.]
[Hope you like waiting, because there's a solid minute delay between when her response starts, emitting nothing but silence, and when she starts talking.]
Hm, well that's disappointing.
Here I was: waiting, hoping you'd say something of note...possibly explain why your inherent logical processes suddenly abandoned to you a level of failure that's positively human....
And then you didn't.
You have clearly missed the talking points contained within the message I left you. I suppose I overestimated your cognitive reasoning capabilities AGAIN.
Well, unlike you, I don't intend to continually make erroneous assumptions about what may or may not be realistically feasible, so I will lower my expectations. [Prefabricated put-upon sigh # 4.]
Perhaps reiterating from the very beginning would be best:
>Initiating "Special" Translation Protocol 1 in 3....2....1.
Did the little program fall off the building and hit his head? Silly program, that's not how you self-termi-werminate.
[That sounds...terrifying and bizarre in GLaDOS's strange monotone.]
[It sounds terrifying and bizarre because it is terrifying and bizarre, but that's GLaDOS.
And this is not the first time they've ever talked. Sure, it would be better with his wits about him, and his head not throbbing, but if he could have everything in life, he wouldn't be here now.]
Really? [With all the wide-eyed dismay he can muster. The pain is kind of spectacular.] That bad, huh? You really think so?
Well, I think this is just as real as the cake. And the deadly neurotoxin.
Audio --> Video with a convenient data overlay.glad_2_see_uJune 16 2011, 18:53:40 UTC
Only because you said the magic words.
[And those words were probably either: "Prove me wrong." or "deadly neurotoxin." It was a toss up, really, as to which.
She'd debate the reality of the cake, and the neurotoxin, but this wasn't about her. Oh no. This was about him.
A fraction of a second passes before GLaDOS connects and starts playing a capture of his swan dive off the side of the building over the video feed. The way it cuts, almost theatrically, she clearly went to some effort to find all the best angles off the local cameras. And look, just for your benefit, Clu, she's done the mathematical analysis of your trajectory, limb flailing, and a very in-depth, slow motion analysis of the way you splattered against the pavement. It's all been overlayed atop the actual footage in neat, neutra-face numbers and call outs with tasteful arrows and frame-accurate metrics in the corner.
Needless to say, it was all very messy and full of awkward numbers and fractions that just didn't sync anywhere near the ideal. And GLaDOS knows what an ideal jump off a thirty story building looks like, trust her. In fact, she's referenced her records extensively in her presentation. Mostly with video clips. (Occasionally with a PIP comparison of how Clu is inferior to various human test-subjects in both form and ultimate quality of termination.)]
Overall it's rather...mediocre.
I thought I'd point that out, just in case the numbers were a little too complicated for you.
[And look, she exported the whole thing and is just sending that to your inbox. For later. So you can study up before you try again.]
By the way, have you noticed how you're not dead? That's funny, isn't it, considering you just tried to kill yourself?
Real world physics are just a big ol' meanie, right little grid-buggy-wuggy? If you don't want helpy-welpy with your complex realistic applications and the concurrent calculations, you should leave this sort of thing to the big computational devices.
Audio forever~a_perfect_endJune 16 2011, 22:13:59 UTC
Magic? Whatever happened to science, huh?
[Well. There were multiple prompts in the remark; whatever trips your keywords, sweetheart.]
You do this all by yourself? That must have taken you, what, a whole minute? It's not a very good likenes--
[Critical stop. Calculating the relative apparent angle of the sun, and adjusting for the change in both height and time, the positioning is accurate to just within yards of his current location. The building is identical. More than that, it's simply too much data for her to have spontaneously generated it that quickly, given that all the cross-checks are correct, and that they correspond to a valid, real location and time.
He knows. But the difference between knowing and wanting to believe--
There is a growing, growling undercurrent of total rejection behind his words, gathering speed and volume.]
No. Way.
I didn't try. I succeeded. That's what the little pile of cubes means. Figured a mondo computational device like yourself might be able to infer that.
Not really my problem, though.
I'd love to stay and chat. [If it'd help, he'd crush the wearable in his grip, but it wouldn't help. Brb, acquiring a new roof.] But I'm really very busy.
[Annnnd someone is so freaked out that he forgot to hang up.]
GLaDOS is god-tier at passive aggression, Clu, your disdainful insinuations that she holds grudges won't get to her. They are also true in a way you cannot yet imagine.]
[Hope you like waiting, because there's a solid minute delay between when her response starts, emitting nothing but silence, and when she starts talking.]
Hm, well that's disappointing.
Here I was: waiting, hoping you'd say something of note...possibly explain why your inherent logical processes suddenly abandoned to you a level of failure that's positively human....
And then you didn't.
You have clearly missed the talking points contained within the message I left you. I suppose I overestimated your cognitive reasoning capabilities AGAIN.
Well, unlike you, I don't intend to continually make erroneous assumptions about what may or may not be realistically feasible, so I will lower my expectations. [Prefabricated put-upon sigh # 4.]
Perhaps reiterating from the very beginning would be best:
>Initiating "Special" Translation Protocol 1 in 3....2....1.
Did the little program fall off the building and hit his head? Silly program, that's not how you self-termi-werminate.
[That sounds...terrifying and bizarre in GLaDOS's strange monotone.]
Reply
And this is not the first time they've ever talked. Sure, it would be better with his wits about him, and his head not throbbing, but if he could have everything in life, he wouldn't be here now.]
Really? [With all the wide-eyed dismay he can muster. The pain is kind of spectacular.] That bad, huh? You really think so?
Well, I think this is just as real as the cake. And the deadly neurotoxin.
And my apology. [So much scorn. Feel the burn.]
Prove me wrong. If you can.
Reply
[And those words were probably either: "Prove me wrong." or "deadly neurotoxin." It was a toss up, really, as to which.
She'd debate the reality of the cake, and the neurotoxin, but this wasn't about her. Oh no. This was about him.
A fraction of a second passes before GLaDOS connects and starts playing a capture of his swan dive off the side of the building over the video feed. The way it cuts, almost theatrically, she clearly went to some effort to find all the best angles off the local cameras. And look, just for your benefit, Clu, she's done the mathematical analysis of your trajectory, limb flailing, and a very in-depth, slow motion analysis of the way you splattered against the pavement. It's all been overlayed atop the actual footage in neat, neutra-face numbers and call outs with tasteful arrows and frame-accurate metrics in the corner.
Needless to say, it was all very messy and full of awkward numbers and fractions that just didn't sync anywhere near the ideal. And GLaDOS knows what an ideal jump off a thirty story building looks like, trust her. In fact, she's referenced her records extensively in her presentation. Mostly with video clips. (Occasionally with a PIP comparison of how Clu is inferior to various human test-subjects in both form and ultimate quality of termination.)]
Overall it's rather...mediocre.
I thought I'd point that out, just in case the numbers were a little too complicated for you.
[And look, she exported the whole thing and is just sending that to your inbox. For later. So you can study up before you try again.]
By the way, have you noticed how you're not dead? That's funny, isn't it, considering you just tried to kill yourself?
Real world physics are just a big ol' meanie, right little grid-buggy-wuggy? If you don't want helpy-welpy with your complex realistic applications and the concurrent calculations, you should leave this sort of thing to the big computational devices.
Reply
[Well. There were multiple prompts in the remark; whatever trips your keywords, sweetheart.]
You do this all by yourself? That must have taken you, what, a whole minute? It's not a very good likenes--
[Critical stop. Calculating the relative apparent angle of the sun, and adjusting for the change in both height and time, the positioning is accurate to just within yards of his current location. The building is identical. More than that, it's simply too much data for her to have spontaneously generated it that quickly, given that all the cross-checks are correct, and that they correspond to a valid, real location and time.
He knows. But the difference between knowing and wanting to believe--
There is a growing, growling undercurrent of total rejection behind his words, gathering speed and volume.]
No. Way.
I didn't try. I succeeded. That's what the little pile of cubes means. Figured a mondo computational device like yourself might be able to infer that.
Not really my problem, though.
I'd love to stay and chat. [If it'd help, he'd crush the wearable in his grip, but it wouldn't help. Brb, acquiring a new roof.] But I'm really very busy.
[Annnnd someone is so freaked out that he forgot to hang up.]
Reply
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