Lines of a Broken Season
Things aren't going as well as they should be, I believe. I feel as though I've slacked off from some things..well that's how everyone makes it seem. I see it as prioritizing. And prioritizing got me an A in AP Econ that I'm holding on tight to. I'm not really going to apologize for putting my school work before other menial tasks that I have to complete. -shrug-
I've noticed changes. I don't if it's everyone else, or just me, or everyone all together who is changing. But I don't believe that people change. My group of truthworthy friends is quickly shrinking.
Mulder was right.
Trust no one.
Friendship are one thing that I don't put anything in front of. My friendships mean more to me than anything. I put a lot of myself into my friends, because I love all of them. I would move worlds for my friends (I hope they know that). My friends, they know who they are. If you pay attention, you can tell how I feel about you by how I look you in the eyes. I wouldn't bother trying to read your mind if I didn't care. Unless I was fuckin with ya.
Losing close friends..is devastating.
I guess I'm used to it though. Loving, leaving.
My faith in love is fleeting again...I hate that.
I hate losing faith in something I feel so powerfully...the one thing that can make me doubt myself so entirely.
You won't be surprised to learn that that certain faith isn't in the person one would think it should be.
I was thinking about someone the other day. In depth. For the first time in a while.
I actually debating with myself the pros and cons of calling them.
And then a young boy ran into my line of vision from out of no where. With a lacrosse stick.
-smiles-
He plays lacrosse.
So I called him to tell him that I thought of him while watching this little boy.
He scolded me for thinking of him that way.
"I'm no some preppy, white boy. I don't want you to think that was of me."
Just like he doesn't want me to thing he's a slut. Or a drunk.
He doesn't want me to think anything bad of him.
I don't really know why.
My heart is pounding.
I wish it would stop.
It should yearn for something it can't have.
I shouldn't.
I don't know if he ever really loved me to begin with.
I don't know.
I have a secret.
When I'm at home alone. And I'm bored and it's too quiet in the house.
I sing very loudly the chorus from this horrible emo song.
"I can't live anymore. My face is on the fucking floor.
Faithless, emotions running wild.
How many times will I face this denial?"
It makes me smile.
_____________________________________
[edit]
I changed my mind when I took a moment to reflect and open my heart.
I'm not angry anymore.
I'm just sad.. . ... . .. .