(no subject)
Monday morning I went to bed, finally, around 9:30am and woke up at about 3pm.
My research adviser invited myself as well as the rest of the Sex Research Team over to her house for dinner, which was nice. I enjoy listening to the "behind closed doors" conversations that the graduate students were having with Dr. Allen concerning their adjustments to being 1st year graduate students. Though everyone's ages were wide spread the commonality of interests made the dinner quite cohesive- and I think Dr. Allen has a knack for working with open minded people who have lots of personality. At the end of the meeting she read us each one Tarot card. I've never had my "cards read" before and this was both interesting to me and also something that I tend to be very cynical about. (Biblically, however it is interesting to note that the Old Testament actually references the power of fortune telling, but shuns it on the premise that we should be beings of faith in God.) ANYWAY, my one card that she read told me that I am at a point in life where I am happy, however I am both protective of my happiness but also holding on too tight. At first I associated meaning with my relationship with Matt and how I am protective of our relationship in many ways because I want to sustain it and make sure it continues to grow, while also having a tendency to place too much value on it at times. I've often told Matt that I think I love him too much, not in the sense that I don't want to love him but because I feel that personally it is dangerous for me to feel at the level of investment that I am right now when we've been dating only a little over a year. It is dangerous, to confess, mostly because I don't ever like placing myself knowingly in a more vulnerable position with other people when I feel so vulnerable all the time as it is.
Then, as the night progressed after leaving her house I started to feel more anxious about the papers that are due tomorrow (today) and Wednesday. I have a tendency to feel very tired once I start to get anxious. I want to curl up in bed and hibernate. So I tried to divert these feelings by calling my friend Bethany to see if she'd want to grab a quick drink with me at the Cellar and talk for about half an hour before getting back to work. And though this didn't work out I ended up going back to Matt's place and watching the movie The Secretary with him.
I strangely relate to the movie The Secretary way too well. I don't feel that I allow my mental anguish and cognitive dissonance to manifest itself in the same ways the characters do, or that I even can relate to the problems that they have, but maybe its just the emotions themselves that I connected to. Either way once the movie ended Matt walked away to check his email and while I should have taken the opportunity to motivate myself to get back to work I just continued laying on his couch attempting to sort through my thoughts and why I had such a strong desire to explode. At one point I just started to cry and I curled up underneath the blanket to hide and try to regulate my breathing in a feeble attempt to harness my emotions. Matt eventually caught on to this and became immediately worried/confused about what was wrong.
I try to tell him that nothing is "wrong" that I'm not "upset" I'm just overwhelmed and feel vulnerable sometimes. It is so incredibly hard to articulate that feeling I get, and usually the day after I just end up feeling embarrassed that I even had the fucking "crazy emotional" episode. I usually end up not even being able to emotionally relate to myself the day after either. Never the less when I try to explain the feeling to Matt or anyone else I just end up trying to do so by providing examples and laundry listing examples just comes across like I'm trying to tear someone down or rip them apart.
I tried to explain to Matt that I'm worried about:
A couple of health issues I've been having (or potentially having) lately,
I'm stressed about school- heightened by a lack of sleep-
I'm more worried about my financial situation,
Several of the older members of my family are very ill,
Our friend Carl getting hit by a car is horrific in and of itself but associated with that is the worry that either him or I or someone else I care about will have a similar biking experience,
I'm going to a wedding in Cary this weekend as Matt's date, but while I'm down there I've also got a lot of pressure to spend time with my family (which I want to as well) but Matt is worried about us getting back to Blacksburg early on Sunday night even though my Aunt and Uncle changed their flight reservations in order to come to Raleigh a week and a half early so that they can be there while I am, and my family moved my grandfather's 75th birthday celebration to that Sunday for the same reason.
And mostly in respect to him triggering my emotional breakdown earlier I just wanted him to make me feel more secure and reassured that I am handling things well and "not in it alone" so to speak.
Now it is 5am and I still really haven't been able to get myself to make much progress on this paper thats due (soon) today. And I wonder if its the ADHD or the Anxiety to blame for my inability to focus. (The doctor I saw a few weeks ago suggested that my heart problems were probably anxiety related, but she also said that if I've been suffering from Adult-ADHD without help while taking on all that I am that this could be the root of the anxiety).
I'm sorry to type such a long post, mostly this was just for me to a) have documentation of whats swimming in my head right now and b) hope that writing this out will get it out of my system enough to focus on my school work again.
My research adviser invited myself as well as the rest of the Sex Research Team over to her house for dinner, which was nice. I enjoy listening to the "behind closed doors" conversations that the graduate students were having with Dr. Allen concerning their adjustments to being 1st year graduate students. Though everyone's ages were wide spread the commonality of interests made the dinner quite cohesive- and I think Dr. Allen has a knack for working with open minded people who have lots of personality. At the end of the meeting she read us each one Tarot card. I've never had my "cards read" before and this was both interesting to me and also something that I tend to be very cynical about. (Biblically, however it is interesting to note that the Old Testament actually references the power of fortune telling, but shuns it on the premise that we should be beings of faith in God.) ANYWAY, my one card that she read told me that I am at a point in life where I am happy, however I am both protective of my happiness but also holding on too tight. At first I associated meaning with my relationship with Matt and how I am protective of our relationship in many ways because I want to sustain it and make sure it continues to grow, while also having a tendency to place too much value on it at times. I've often told Matt that I think I love him too much, not in the sense that I don't want to love him but because I feel that personally it is dangerous for me to feel at the level of investment that I am right now when we've been dating only a little over a year. It is dangerous, to confess, mostly because I don't ever like placing myself knowingly in a more vulnerable position with other people when I feel so vulnerable all the time as it is.
Then, as the night progressed after leaving her house I started to feel more anxious about the papers that are due tomorrow (today) and Wednesday. I have a tendency to feel very tired once I start to get anxious. I want to curl up in bed and hibernate. So I tried to divert these feelings by calling my friend Bethany to see if she'd want to grab a quick drink with me at the Cellar and talk for about half an hour before getting back to work. And though this didn't work out I ended up going back to Matt's place and watching the movie The Secretary with him.
I strangely relate to the movie The Secretary way too well. I don't feel that I allow my mental anguish and cognitive dissonance to manifest itself in the same ways the characters do, or that I even can relate to the problems that they have, but maybe its just the emotions themselves that I connected to. Either way once the movie ended Matt walked away to check his email and while I should have taken the opportunity to motivate myself to get back to work I just continued laying on his couch attempting to sort through my thoughts and why I had such a strong desire to explode. At one point I just started to cry and I curled up underneath the blanket to hide and try to regulate my breathing in a feeble attempt to harness my emotions. Matt eventually caught on to this and became immediately worried/confused about what was wrong.
I try to tell him that nothing is "wrong" that I'm not "upset" I'm just overwhelmed and feel vulnerable sometimes. It is so incredibly hard to articulate that feeling I get, and usually the day after I just end up feeling embarrassed that I even had the fucking "crazy emotional" episode. I usually end up not even being able to emotionally relate to myself the day after either. Never the less when I try to explain the feeling to Matt or anyone else I just end up trying to do so by providing examples and laundry listing examples just comes across like I'm trying to tear someone down or rip them apart.
I tried to explain to Matt that I'm worried about:
A couple of health issues I've been having (or potentially having) lately,
I'm stressed about school- heightened by a lack of sleep-
I'm more worried about my financial situation,
Several of the older members of my family are very ill,
Our friend Carl getting hit by a car is horrific in and of itself but associated with that is the worry that either him or I or someone else I care about will have a similar biking experience,
I'm going to a wedding in Cary this weekend as Matt's date, but while I'm down there I've also got a lot of pressure to spend time with my family (which I want to as well) but Matt is worried about us getting back to Blacksburg early on Sunday night even though my Aunt and Uncle changed their flight reservations in order to come to Raleigh a week and a half early so that they can be there while I am, and my family moved my grandfather's 75th birthday celebration to that Sunday for the same reason.
And mostly in respect to him triggering my emotional breakdown earlier I just wanted him to make me feel more secure and reassured that I am handling things well and "not in it alone" so to speak.
Now it is 5am and I still really haven't been able to get myself to make much progress on this paper thats due (soon) today. And I wonder if its the ADHD or the Anxiety to blame for my inability to focus. (The doctor I saw a few weeks ago suggested that my heart problems were probably anxiety related, but she also said that if I've been suffering from Adult-ADHD without help while taking on all that I am that this could be the root of the anxiety).
I'm sorry to type such a long post, mostly this was just for me to a) have documentation of whats swimming in my head right now and b) hope that writing this out will get it out of my system enough to focus on my school work again.