I WISH!
So I know exactly what I want for christmas, and its something none of you would've ever guessed... cause its something crazy and quite possibly retarded. you ready? All I want for Christmas is to talk to Kyle Durkee. weird right? not that weird. I was reading all the old messages and IMs from when we were going out and I remembered why I never wanted to let him go. cause he was perfect. I actually started crying when I was reading them. but I know he would never want to talk to me ever again as long as he lives. so too bad for my wish I guess. I know I really screwed him up and was a total bitch, but if I could go back in time I would in a second. I would stay with him and we would still be together now, and I never woulda done drugs or cut myself because I would've just been happy with my life, just like I was when I was with him. to this day that is the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I hate myself for it. now i remember why i cried so much when i broke up with him the last time. cause it broke my heart. i just wanted him to be with someone nicer and who would treat him right. and sadly (3 years later) i realize that i could've been that person all along cause i am that person now, i was just too sick (mentally) and too stubborn, but now i kinda think i might have been happy for the rest of my life with him. am i crazy? i dont think so. he was perfect. i am actually crying again right now. i wish i could tell him i'm sorry, and that i was wrong for everything i did to him. sorry isn't a big enough word though... when i broke up with him i felt so bad i didnt even eat for a few days, or sleep for atleast a week... and now that i brought it all back up i feel even more depressed, because now i have been with guys that treat me like dirt and dont take care of me. all because i threw the good one away. i am sure he has moved on anyway. even though i pretty much tore his heart out. i wish i had his number. i would call him. he would just hang up, but i would still want to call him and try to talk. even more i want to have a cup of coffee with him. and just sit and talk for an hour. thats a lie i would want to talk to him forever. but an hour would be better than nothing. i would just show up at his house but that would be creepy and wrong. i wish someone would tell him i wanted to talk to him. but i dont think anyone even knows how to get ahold of him anymore. hes probably in college anyway. showing up at his house would just be creepy and get nothing done. oh well. i wish he knew i still loved him. i need to stop now. i can't take anymore... please dont bother telling me i'm pathetic, i already know