A ramble.....from the heart.
I felt the urge to write while I was in the shower tonight. I guess urge would kind of be an understatement. It was more like a raging fire inside of me. I used to get it a lot when I was in high school. Back then I was doing a lot of writing for publications and stuff. I would do nothing for a long time then I'd get this fire inside and I'd write a whole bunch and it would end up being really good and inspired and someone would want to do something with it. The goal was never to get anything done to it though..The desire...the need was really to simply write. It's been a long time since I have felt that burning inside of me. So long that I actually feel lost as to what to do about it. So I pondered it for awhile. I thought about calling Lane back (he called before i took a shower wanting to talk) but something about that didn't feel right. I felt like I'd be missing something if i did that. So I thought about reading my bible. I could feel a desire to do that as well. It usually accompanies my desire to write. But that didn't feel right either. So I checked my email...read a few live journals (I love you mike, luke, and jessy) and still had this burning desire that wouldn't go away. I asked God if he wanted me to write in my journal and i felt the desire starting to slip away. So I asked him if he wanted me to write in here and i felt the urge get stronger...SO here I am. With nothing to say but all the passion in the world with which to say it lol!
I want to tell Tom something. I love you soooo deeply. You have been on my mind a lot lately. I have been praying for you. I long to know how your trip to Mexico went. but more than that I long to see you. Mystee and I were meeting on tuesday as we usually do and we got to talking about Wisconsin..She mentioned you and tears came to my eyes when i realized how greatly i miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss your strenght. I miss your passion. I miss talking to you about all the deep things we used to talk about. I miss ministering with you...Member that time we ministered to Lane in the stairwell at the apartments......I loved that moment with you. I wish we lived closer and could have more of those moments. I pray that the Lord will allow us to see eachother in the flesh soon. I really enjoy talking on the phone with you..but there's just something beautiful about seeing you in person. I miss you...
Mike.....Where do I begin??? Words don't seem to come close to describing all that I have seen/heard from the Lord about you lately. You are so precious to me. God is still growing in you the heart of a shepherd. I know that it is a long painful sometimes hopeless process. and I know that it is a beautiful joyouse, exciting journey as well. I can already see the countenance of a King in your face. I know that the last two times I have seen you I have gotten lost staring at you. I really hope that has not become uncomfortable for you. Unfortunately I enjoy those visions into you and God's work in you so much that im not sure i care if your uncomfortable..im gonna keep doing it so long as God allows me to see. :) I am soooo proud of you. I'm proud of your resolve. I'm proud of your determination to follow the Lord. Your resolve to never give up is part of what will make you a mighty king. I know you have been stumbling lately. I know you've had moments where you have lost the vision. I know there have been a lot of struggles that have left you feeling hopeless, alone, worthless, and unloved. I cannot express to you how deep the Father's love is for you. I wish that I could. I wish that I could tell you all the Glory of the Lord that I see in your face. I wish you could see the work God is completing in you and the beauty of where you are and where you are going. I pray that God is showing you what I can not. I love you so much Mike. Though a King is often full of enemies and short of friends I want you to know that you have a friend who is closer than a brother and he will defeat ALL your enemies before you. (and you have a General that would fight to the death for you. I want back in the battle. Will you let me?)
August...I miss you. God misses you. I hope that you will come home soon. I would really like to get to know your heart...
Mystee..I am so damn proud of you. You have come miles lately in your walk with God. I cannot express to you the honor, the joy, and gratefulness in my heart at the relationship you and I are developing. It is an honor that you consider me a mentor and that you are willing to trust me above yourself. It is a joy that I get to walk with you and learn and grow with you. and I am so grateful at how you have held me up and challenged me and encouraged me and just let me vent and cry when we should have been having "mystee" time. Thank you so much for your obedience to following Christ. You are doing beautifully. Your heart is soft. You are open to guidance and that makes it such a joy to want to lead you. I know that we have had a lot of fluctuation in our walk lately. Some days we seem to get a lot "done" other days not so much. I want you to know that I feel the Lord leading me into a place where I will be able to speak more accurately, more bodly, and more effectively into your life. I'm so excited about that. Keep being that beautiful pure bride that you are. :)
Kathy L..Where do i go to find the words that express what you mean to me? Something like two are better than one works pretty well. You are so much like a sister to me. We fight like hell and we love like heaven. i know it sounds corny but its true. you and I know each other so well yet im amazed at how wonderful it is that there is still so much to discover. A long long long time ago I jokingly called you my Colonel and the name has sort of stuck. Even though I was joking, I hope that you have come to realize how deep and how vulnerable and how important it was that I called you Colonel. Back then I had no concept really of the depths of my heart, but i knew one thing. I could not really fight alone. A general can not lead an army on her own. There MUST be someone in line to pass the fight on to should you get hurt. There's something about being a General that I have come to learn though. Your army, your soldiers are not just a group of people who give there lives for you because you told them too. Your soldiers are your children. They are you life, your future, your family, they are everything. You love them, you train them, you heal them, you discipline them, you would give your life on their behalf just as quickly as they would give theres for you. and because of this immensly personal and unequivicable connection you would NEVER trust them with a stranger. Just like being a parent you would never leave your kids with someone random at your unfortunate death, you would not leave your soldiers. No, you would pick someone who is so much like your self that you know they would lead the army with the same boldness, passion, resolve, and love that you did. but you would also pick someone that was better than you. A great General understands their weaknesses. They have come to know their limits and where they can lead an army and where they cannot. A great General will lead an army to Victory beyond where they can go. It is a General's greatest victory to train an army that can continue beyond it's leader into fulfilling their greatest potential. To do that, a general will search for someone like themselves, but someone with strenghts in their weaknesses. someone who can take the army to the next mountain should they die on this one. I did not understand in my mind all the things my heart is learning when I called you my Colonel, but i am begining to understand it now. There is no one I'd rather leave my army with than you. I know that you will serve my King with the same resolve, the same passion, and the same conviction that I do. I know that you can bring to my army a vision that I cannot. you are a different leader than I am and that is why i LOVE you....but enough talk about us fighing....i love the love between us. I love the sisterhood. i love the comradery. i love that when i wake up scared at night and i know i can't call lane to sleep with me you are the one i want to cuddle with. you are so strong and so tender. i love your girl and i love your soldier.
Sometimes I just can't help but cry
When I think of what we've become
Like a soldier lost in the night
Forgetting all where he has come from
But the mud will soon become dry
And the sun will rise again
And the shadows in our eyes
Will fade away down to lower plains
Cause' You have one wing and I have another
Seeking shelter like sister and brother
Through the winter and through the summer
Like one angel we'll fly far away.
I know it's talking about a boy and a girl...but you and i are like one angel sometimes. we are so unique...yet so alike. i love you girl.
I have more to say to the rest of you.....but it's time for bed to night....perhaps tomorrow i'll feel the fire rage inside. I hope so....i would love to share my heart for all of you....sweet dreams....May the Lord bless you and keep you and may his countenance shine upon you.
I want to tell Tom something. I love you soooo deeply. You have been on my mind a lot lately. I have been praying for you. I long to know how your trip to Mexico went. but more than that I long to see you. Mystee and I were meeting on tuesday as we usually do and we got to talking about Wisconsin..She mentioned you and tears came to my eyes when i realized how greatly i miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss your strenght. I miss your passion. I miss talking to you about all the deep things we used to talk about. I miss ministering with you...Member that time we ministered to Lane in the stairwell at the apartments......I loved that moment with you. I wish we lived closer and could have more of those moments. I pray that the Lord will allow us to see eachother in the flesh soon. I really enjoy talking on the phone with you..but there's just something beautiful about seeing you in person. I miss you...
Mike.....Where do I begin??? Words don't seem to come close to describing all that I have seen/heard from the Lord about you lately. You are so precious to me. God is still growing in you the heart of a shepherd. I know that it is a long painful sometimes hopeless process. and I know that it is a beautiful joyouse, exciting journey as well. I can already see the countenance of a King in your face. I know that the last two times I have seen you I have gotten lost staring at you. I really hope that has not become uncomfortable for you. Unfortunately I enjoy those visions into you and God's work in you so much that im not sure i care if your uncomfortable..im gonna keep doing it so long as God allows me to see. :) I am soooo proud of you. I'm proud of your resolve. I'm proud of your determination to follow the Lord. Your resolve to never give up is part of what will make you a mighty king. I know you have been stumbling lately. I know you've had moments where you have lost the vision. I know there have been a lot of struggles that have left you feeling hopeless, alone, worthless, and unloved. I cannot express to you how deep the Father's love is for you. I wish that I could. I wish that I could tell you all the Glory of the Lord that I see in your face. I wish you could see the work God is completing in you and the beauty of where you are and where you are going. I pray that God is showing you what I can not. I love you so much Mike. Though a King is often full of enemies and short of friends I want you to know that you have a friend who is closer than a brother and he will defeat ALL your enemies before you. (and you have a General that would fight to the death for you. I want back in the battle. Will you let me?)
August...I miss you. God misses you. I hope that you will come home soon. I would really like to get to know your heart...
Mystee..I am so damn proud of you. You have come miles lately in your walk with God. I cannot express to you the honor, the joy, and gratefulness in my heart at the relationship you and I are developing. It is an honor that you consider me a mentor and that you are willing to trust me above yourself. It is a joy that I get to walk with you and learn and grow with you. and I am so grateful at how you have held me up and challenged me and encouraged me and just let me vent and cry when we should have been having "mystee" time. Thank you so much for your obedience to following Christ. You are doing beautifully. Your heart is soft. You are open to guidance and that makes it such a joy to want to lead you. I know that we have had a lot of fluctuation in our walk lately. Some days we seem to get a lot "done" other days not so much. I want you to know that I feel the Lord leading me into a place where I will be able to speak more accurately, more bodly, and more effectively into your life. I'm so excited about that. Keep being that beautiful pure bride that you are. :)
Kathy L..Where do i go to find the words that express what you mean to me? Something like two are better than one works pretty well. You are so much like a sister to me. We fight like hell and we love like heaven. i know it sounds corny but its true. you and I know each other so well yet im amazed at how wonderful it is that there is still so much to discover. A long long long time ago I jokingly called you my Colonel and the name has sort of stuck. Even though I was joking, I hope that you have come to realize how deep and how vulnerable and how important it was that I called you Colonel. Back then I had no concept really of the depths of my heart, but i knew one thing. I could not really fight alone. A general can not lead an army on her own. There MUST be someone in line to pass the fight on to should you get hurt. There's something about being a General that I have come to learn though. Your army, your soldiers are not just a group of people who give there lives for you because you told them too. Your soldiers are your children. They are you life, your future, your family, they are everything. You love them, you train them, you heal them, you discipline them, you would give your life on their behalf just as quickly as they would give theres for you. and because of this immensly personal and unequivicable connection you would NEVER trust them with a stranger. Just like being a parent you would never leave your kids with someone random at your unfortunate death, you would not leave your soldiers. No, you would pick someone who is so much like your self that you know they would lead the army with the same boldness, passion, resolve, and love that you did. but you would also pick someone that was better than you. A great General understands their weaknesses. They have come to know their limits and where they can lead an army and where they cannot. A great General will lead an army to Victory beyond where they can go. It is a General's greatest victory to train an army that can continue beyond it's leader into fulfilling their greatest potential. To do that, a general will search for someone like themselves, but someone with strenghts in their weaknesses. someone who can take the army to the next mountain should they die on this one. I did not understand in my mind all the things my heart is learning when I called you my Colonel, but i am begining to understand it now. There is no one I'd rather leave my army with than you. I know that you will serve my King with the same resolve, the same passion, and the same conviction that I do. I know that you can bring to my army a vision that I cannot. you are a different leader than I am and that is why i LOVE you....but enough talk about us fighing....i love the love between us. I love the sisterhood. i love the comradery. i love that when i wake up scared at night and i know i can't call lane to sleep with me you are the one i want to cuddle with. you are so strong and so tender. i love your girl and i love your soldier.
Sometimes I just can't help but cry
When I think of what we've become
Like a soldier lost in the night
Forgetting all where he has come from
But the mud will soon become dry
And the sun will rise again
And the shadows in our eyes
Will fade away down to lower plains
Cause' You have one wing and I have another
Seeking shelter like sister and brother
Through the winter and through the summer
Like one angel we'll fly far away.
I know it's talking about a boy and a girl...but you and i are like one angel sometimes. we are so unique...yet so alike. i love you girl.
I have more to say to the rest of you.....but it's time for bed to night....perhaps tomorrow i'll feel the fire rage inside. I hope so....i would love to share my heart for all of you....sweet dreams....May the Lord bless you and keep you and may his countenance shine upon you.