Hello Old Community, I've Got a New Sod
Hello, archaically cobwebbed community! It's been awhile, but I have been frustrated and needed to vent myself a bit after years of inactivity. I am invoking the community as something of a vent post today because I'm just... confused. Hell, maybe it's just a sign that I really *am* not relationship material.
You see, I have been happily ambivalent towards the dating scene for awhile. Like Maslow's pyramid, I have been able to reach some point of self-actualization enough to feel little concern for the opposite sex. No, I have not discovered "teh gheys," nor have I found my two crotch buddies vacated from the premise: I just learned to jade myself by being busy, occupying my life with enough things to make my hormones shut up and sit in the back seats of my mind.
But still it happens. Still I find someone who is interested. Oh sure, there's all types: the subtle who brush their hair or touch their lips every so often while looking my direction, or by trying to actively get into my life by talking about one thing or another. No, I learned my lesson: I ain't falling for that trap again where I find out it was because the air was windy, they have a cold sore, or they are engaged and expecting. Fool me fifty-one times, shame on you; fool me fifty two times, shame on me.
See, I always had this theory about myself and the dating scene: I am just plain suicidally awful for relationships. I don't know why, but women get attracted to me and then immediately stay away as soon as I admit myself to them. Oh, don't worry, I don't start spending my time bragging about +5 holy slayers, or how many fruit flies got in my lamp since the last time I changed the bulb. No, I just talk about life, maybe a couple things I do here and there, etcetera and so forth.
And yet... it happened again.
A woman online ended up really getting attracted to me. This time it was confirmed because she emphasized it, several times with me, enough to get through to someone who has the subtlety detection of a lead brick. The thought amused me: long distance relationships? Oh, those worked wonderfully before. She was also from California, which was another amusement because everyone I ever had a relationship with that went REALLY bad came from Cali. I didn't think anything of it, and just continued my wanton mayhem through life, but she kept trying to get through the door, all whilst she kept sending me things or asking me about my relationship with one female friend or another that I shared platonic closeness with. And then...
Bastard hormones started stepping up.
Okay, so maybe she interested me a bit. I toyed with the idea, and then started to look into her LJ for fun. And then... I was shocked. I fell in love with her experiences. The things she's seen, done, become; they flooded me with thoughts and left me happy and then sad.
With tears and smiles tinged on my eyes, I conceded to admit defeat to her. She won. I offered my heart. She didn't know how to take this. I tried to say I'll take it slow and we'll keep it at that. That wasn't enough. She became distant and stopped trying to prop into my life, and then one month later, she defriends me, and I'm left confused and screaming like emo Darth Vader.
I have no idea what her story is, and she never replied. I figured it might be work or whatever holding her back, so I decided to give her a week to explain herself seven days ago and I'm still waiting. I opened enough of the black coal-flecked heart of mine to this person and I'm still left wondering why I still let myself get hurt over this kind of stupidity. Should I have just kept playing hard to get? Would it have been better to just keep saying no to begin with? Or is it that I'm just plain undateable?
Well no matter the reason, I don't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm 31, creating newer and awesomer(totally not a made up word) doing things I enjoy that are considered cool by most circles and worth wanking about to random people on LJ, and I'm still unable to understand the opposite gender. Join the club right? Right?
...yeah, I'm going to go back to my cathartic woes. Next time an attractive, interesting, and single woman tries to jump into my life again I'll just learn to say "Get the hell away" like any normal person should.
You see, I have been happily ambivalent towards the dating scene for awhile. Like Maslow's pyramid, I have been able to reach some point of self-actualization enough to feel little concern for the opposite sex. No, I have not discovered "teh gheys," nor have I found my two crotch buddies vacated from the premise: I just learned to jade myself by being busy, occupying my life with enough things to make my hormones shut up and sit in the back seats of my mind.
But still it happens. Still I find someone who is interested. Oh sure, there's all types: the subtle who brush their hair or touch their lips every so often while looking my direction, or by trying to actively get into my life by talking about one thing or another. No, I learned my lesson: I ain't falling for that trap again where I find out it was because the air was windy, they have a cold sore, or they are engaged and expecting. Fool me fifty-one times, shame on you; fool me fifty two times, shame on me.
See, I always had this theory about myself and the dating scene: I am just plain suicidally awful for relationships. I don't know why, but women get attracted to me and then immediately stay away as soon as I admit myself to them. Oh, don't worry, I don't start spending my time bragging about +5 holy slayers, or how many fruit flies got in my lamp since the last time I changed the bulb. No, I just talk about life, maybe a couple things I do here and there, etcetera and so forth.
And yet... it happened again.
A woman online ended up really getting attracted to me. This time it was confirmed because she emphasized it, several times with me, enough to get through to someone who has the subtlety detection of a lead brick. The thought amused me: long distance relationships? Oh, those worked wonderfully before. She was also from California, which was another amusement because everyone I ever had a relationship with that went REALLY bad came from Cali. I didn't think anything of it, and just continued my wanton mayhem through life, but she kept trying to get through the door, all whilst she kept sending me things or asking me about my relationship with one female friend or another that I shared platonic closeness with. And then...
Bastard hormones started stepping up.
Okay, so maybe she interested me a bit. I toyed with the idea, and then started to look into her LJ for fun. And then... I was shocked. I fell in love with her experiences. The things she's seen, done, become; they flooded me with thoughts and left me happy and then sad.
With tears and smiles tinged on my eyes, I conceded to admit defeat to her. She won. I offered my heart. She didn't know how to take this. I tried to say I'll take it slow and we'll keep it at that. That wasn't enough. She became distant and stopped trying to prop into my life, and then one month later, she defriends me, and I'm left confused and screaming like emo Darth Vader.
I have no idea what her story is, and she never replied. I figured it might be work or whatever holding her back, so I decided to give her a week to explain herself seven days ago and I'm still waiting. I opened enough of the black coal-flecked heart of mine to this person and I'm still left wondering why I still let myself get hurt over this kind of stupidity. Should I have just kept playing hard to get? Would it have been better to just keep saying no to begin with? Or is it that I'm just plain undateable?
Well no matter the reason, I don't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm 31, creating newer and awesomer(totally not a made up word) doing things I enjoy that are considered cool by most circles and worth wanking about to random people on LJ, and I'm still unable to understand the opposite gender. Join the club right? Right?
...yeah, I'm going to go back to my cathartic woes. Next time an attractive, interesting, and single woman tries to jump into my life again I'll just learn to say "Get the hell away" like any normal person should.