(no subject)
I'm angry tonight. I rarely get angry. Maybe all the anger around here is rubbing off.
I'm tired from walking on eggshells and humouring everybody but myself. I'm tired of surprise nastiness, verbal abuse, veiled insults and unkindness from everywhere. All I want to do is curl up with books and read and nap and feel happy and safe, not... endangered. Not like at any moment any scrap of peace I acquire will be shattered. It's almost like, why bother to calm down since it'll be that much more upsetting when something unpleasant happens next?
Maybe I'm just confused right now. Suddenly my mother began oozing gratitude this morning in my direction, hugging me and going on and on about her priceless selfless daughter who so tirelessly strives to fill the house with light and life. Then all of a sudden she was a bitch again, unexpectedly impatient and sharp. I escaped with my brother for a quick Christmas errand hat turned into an 8-hour shopping ordeal, one I had NO intentions of going on but that my brother really wanted company for and more or less would not relent on. So I went to humour him. And had some fun. But now I am irrationally exhausted and disheartened to see that my mom upon returning is once again a wreck, my dad is stressed out but desperately trying to cover her by lecturing me about how terrible her steroids are and how she just can't help it and how I need to not get offended, and my fish are both still sick.
I got my bettas medicine and pointed out things Rob could maybe get me for them for Christmas to help them. This makes me happy. It's gladdening to know that I can take care of them and probably completely fix them up if they have what I think they have (a faint cause of "ick" I don't want ot get worse.) If they die I will be most unhappy, but it's alright. I take care of my babies and at least they'll die happy and loved. Awww, I'm such a softie.
But ANGRY, yes. I'm not supposed to be warm and fuzzy about bettas right now. Rararar... *tries to resume stern expression* My brother's holding firm on Christmas and he wants me to side with him but I just CAN'T... I WANT Gio to be here on Christmas, and I don't want to have to deal with everyone, including Rob now, for some reason coming to ME about it. I won't take sides, damnit. There shouldn't be sides. I just want to be a normal college kid who comes home from break and helps out the family a bit but mostly just RELAXES, whining on the internet about being board and eating too many cookies.
I keep telling myself that I'm insanely lucky to be here with my wonderful family, and I am. I know it.
It just saddens me so much that I emphatically DON'T want to be in the place I am grateful to have. Why can't I just enjoy it now? WHy so much negativity, and why so much god-awful complaining form me?
I feel like if I don't vent, I'll go crazy. But I HATE whining and I finally finally seemed to get out of that nasty habit in the glorious three weeks before Christmas break. My anger was spent, I was happy and excited and grateful like always but it was UNTAINTED with anything else... and I was proud of that. It was a positive cycle upward. And now it's all fucked up.
Now I am confused all over again and annoyed about things I'd dropped, and I'm scared of things I'd determined shouldn't worry me, and I still am frustratingly lost. Some of the biggest issues are gone (for example, all of that betrayal in love angst) but now I see family stuff is a much BIGGER issue and that one has no remedies inj sight. Plus, it makes other things that should be petty seem suddenly cruel and overwhelming.
Narnarnar, I think I'm going to return to clenaing the basement and then thoroughly clean my betta tanks and medicate the goobers... the thought makes me nervous about screwing up but happy to hopefully be helping someone instead of dragging you guys down by bitching here.
Worst Christmas break ever.
I'm tired from walking on eggshells and humouring everybody but myself. I'm tired of surprise nastiness, verbal abuse, veiled insults and unkindness from everywhere. All I want to do is curl up with books and read and nap and feel happy and safe, not... endangered. Not like at any moment any scrap of peace I acquire will be shattered. It's almost like, why bother to calm down since it'll be that much more upsetting when something unpleasant happens next?
Maybe I'm just confused right now. Suddenly my mother began oozing gratitude this morning in my direction, hugging me and going on and on about her priceless selfless daughter who so tirelessly strives to fill the house with light and life. Then all of a sudden she was a bitch again, unexpectedly impatient and sharp. I escaped with my brother for a quick Christmas errand hat turned into an 8-hour shopping ordeal, one I had NO intentions of going on but that my brother really wanted company for and more or less would not relent on. So I went to humour him. And had some fun. But now I am irrationally exhausted and disheartened to see that my mom upon returning is once again a wreck, my dad is stressed out but desperately trying to cover her by lecturing me about how terrible her steroids are and how she just can't help it and how I need to not get offended, and my fish are both still sick.
I got my bettas medicine and pointed out things Rob could maybe get me for them for Christmas to help them. This makes me happy. It's gladdening to know that I can take care of them and probably completely fix them up if they have what I think they have (a faint cause of "ick" I don't want ot get worse.) If they die I will be most unhappy, but it's alright. I take care of my babies and at least they'll die happy and loved. Awww, I'm such a softie.
But ANGRY, yes. I'm not supposed to be warm and fuzzy about bettas right now. Rararar... *tries to resume stern expression* My brother's holding firm on Christmas and he wants me to side with him but I just CAN'T... I WANT Gio to be here on Christmas, and I don't want to have to deal with everyone, including Rob now, for some reason coming to ME about it. I won't take sides, damnit. There shouldn't be sides. I just want to be a normal college kid who comes home from break and helps out the family a bit but mostly just RELAXES, whining on the internet about being board and eating too many cookies.
I keep telling myself that I'm insanely lucky to be here with my wonderful family, and I am. I know it.
It just saddens me so much that I emphatically DON'T want to be in the place I am grateful to have. Why can't I just enjoy it now? WHy so much negativity, and why so much god-awful complaining form me?
I feel like if I don't vent, I'll go crazy. But I HATE whining and I finally finally seemed to get out of that nasty habit in the glorious three weeks before Christmas break. My anger was spent, I was happy and excited and grateful like always but it was UNTAINTED with anything else... and I was proud of that. It was a positive cycle upward. And now it's all fucked up.
Now I am confused all over again and annoyed about things I'd dropped, and I'm scared of things I'd determined shouldn't worry me, and I still am frustratingly lost. Some of the biggest issues are gone (for example, all of that betrayal in love angst) but now I see family stuff is a much BIGGER issue and that one has no remedies inj sight. Plus, it makes other things that should be petty seem suddenly cruel and overwhelming.
Narnarnar, I think I'm going to return to clenaing the basement and then thoroughly clean my betta tanks and medicate the goobers... the thought makes me nervous about screwing up but happy to hopefully be helping someone instead of dragging you guys down by bitching here.
Worst Christmas break ever.