Holiday Cheer (tm)
I spent today in the service of my mother. I cancelled plans with Hina the minute my mother mentioned actually going to a store, and lo and behold she DID get out of the house at my gentle insistence.
I drove her out to Linens 'n' Things and there I did my best to help her out. I wrangled the cart, did my best to be silent, gave advice on presents, took stuff out to the car, made sure she sipped her Coke, etc, etc. I even endured what felt like an eternity of indecision about which semi-sheer drapery set she ought to buy. Using this technique I got her to enter not one but THREE different stores, which physically should be fine for her but mentally is a whole nother story.
Acting very calm seemed to be the key. The more I reminded her that I had no hurry and would gladly chill between stores or buy her coffee, the more she seemed to unwind and not act as though one more store would cause her death. This was good news because it enabled her to get some solid Christmas / house shopping done. She also got me two unexpected gifts at TJ Maxx (yay! so inexpensive!) and picked out a Christmas present for me to give her. This blanket, ladies and gents, wins the award for softest and sexiest throw in the world, and I think I might have to get one for me sometime so that I can sleep naked on a [fake] fur rug [throw]. I sincerely would do so all the time. And probably other things, if you know what I mean. ;)
Er, but that aside, shopping with her was good news bears. As soon as we got home I had about fifteen minutes to cut tags, shake out the throw, set up the new towels she got, and begin wrapping before my grandparents arrived.
I entertained them for a while and copied recipes from Mamu's book. I am apparently in charge of Holiday Cheer, that special category of hospitality that generates postcards from Courier and Ives. We're talking warm lights and candles, the smell of baking cookies, food everywhere, etc, etc, and to that end I am going to make a great deal of candy, cookies, and cakes. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do yet, but so far the menu seems to include snickernoodles, popcorn balls, chocolate-iced toffee, aa pineapple upside-down cake (I'll admit I've never done this before, but it sounds so ridiculous and fun that I cannot resist) and cut and decorated gingerbread cookies. If I am talented enough, I will also make lactose-free variations of all of these things for my brother.
The goal is to satiate Rob's enormous appetite, make John and Brian feel included and satisfied, reassure my too-busy Dad that holiday traditions have survived, and generate Holiday Cheer (tm) for my mother so she doesn't weep with guilt over her alleged inability to provide it. It's decidedly not about the FOOD itself. What's important is that me making all of this creates an atmosphere of abundance, tradition, and sensory decadence. Good, warm, mouth-watering smalls... yes. My austere house could use a lot more of those.
But anyway, THAT tangent aside, tonight my grandparents made us dinner. My mom was in her room recovering from our trip and as usual did not come down for hours, but this time when she came down she was in her pajamas, hair rumpled and eyes brimming with tears. She just stood there bawling. I didn't know what to do. So I just held her, and in a minute she spoke, and then she vented to me and Mamu.
More bad news from the Clinic, as usual. More hopes shattered, more anger and unwillingness to change. My sense of empowerment at being able to help her so much earlier crumbled into helplessness again, and it hurt. She seemed to cheer up immensely after talking with Mamu, visiting my bettas, and giving Christmas presents to my grandparents, but I knew it was hollow. Sure enough, when I talked to her afterward, she was in pieces yet again.
--
Right now I am refusing to let her depression wear me down as well. I am excited because rides to Columbus miraculously just worked out, and because tomorrow I am going to spend all day having fun with Brian and Gio. At night I hopefully willsee B. And, there are plenty of things I CAN do for my parents that are empowering: like wrapping. I like to wrap and apparently it makes a huge difference to them when I do it for them. It seems pretty stupid that I am wrapping my own presents for Christmas, but every little thing I do helps, and it's so rewarding to see my dad relax a little bit when he realizes he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING himself. So I have wrapped a little and hopefully will wrap a lot more.
My mom insulted me by offering to pay me; me, her own fucking daughter, for wrapping Christmas presents for her!!! Honestly, as if it's a huge inconvenience for me to dedicate a few hours here and there out of my enormous winter break.
In the end she won in that she paid for her own Christmas present from me, which I couldn't well prevent because she used her card. I have bought and made her other ones, though, so at least we both feel absolved.
This whole weekend looks to be fun, which is awesome. I really need it. I think if I can have two days of being mostly selfish then I will have more of me to give when I return and need to hardcore create Holiday Cheer. Rob'll be home, and the poor boy is depressed and discouraged beyond belief, and thus it will be a pleasure to witness the transformation a warm inviting home full of delicious desserts works on his soul. Hopefully we'll climb some, and go to the pub... yes. We'll fix him right up and he will be lots of fun.
Basement cleaning continues, but inow it's shifted from purging to winnowing... which is interesting. And satisfying. Old treasures are being rediscovered and KEPT, and now they are much more approachable and easy to find. It's difficult but rewarding.
I wonder if I will finish this basement before the new year comes.
I drove her out to Linens 'n' Things and there I did my best to help her out. I wrangled the cart, did my best to be silent, gave advice on presents, took stuff out to the car, made sure she sipped her Coke, etc, etc. I even endured what felt like an eternity of indecision about which semi-sheer drapery set she ought to buy. Using this technique I got her to enter not one but THREE different stores, which physically should be fine for her but mentally is a whole nother story.
Acting very calm seemed to be the key. The more I reminded her that I had no hurry and would gladly chill between stores or buy her coffee, the more she seemed to unwind and not act as though one more store would cause her death. This was good news because it enabled her to get some solid Christmas / house shopping done. She also got me two unexpected gifts at TJ Maxx (yay! so inexpensive!) and picked out a Christmas present for me to give her. This blanket, ladies and gents, wins the award for softest and sexiest throw in the world, and I think I might have to get one for me sometime so that I can sleep naked on a [fake] fur rug [throw]. I sincerely would do so all the time. And probably other things, if you know what I mean. ;)
Er, but that aside, shopping with her was good news bears. As soon as we got home I had about fifteen minutes to cut tags, shake out the throw, set up the new towels she got, and begin wrapping before my grandparents arrived.
I entertained them for a while and copied recipes from Mamu's book. I am apparently in charge of Holiday Cheer, that special category of hospitality that generates postcards from Courier and Ives. We're talking warm lights and candles, the smell of baking cookies, food everywhere, etc, etc, and to that end I am going to make a great deal of candy, cookies, and cakes. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do yet, but so far the menu seems to include snickernoodles, popcorn balls, chocolate-iced toffee, aa pineapple upside-down cake (I'll admit I've never done this before, but it sounds so ridiculous and fun that I cannot resist) and cut and decorated gingerbread cookies. If I am talented enough, I will also make lactose-free variations of all of these things for my brother.
The goal is to satiate Rob's enormous appetite, make John and Brian feel included and satisfied, reassure my too-busy Dad that holiday traditions have survived, and generate Holiday Cheer (tm) for my mother so she doesn't weep with guilt over her alleged inability to provide it. It's decidedly not about the FOOD itself. What's important is that me making all of this creates an atmosphere of abundance, tradition, and sensory decadence. Good, warm, mouth-watering smalls... yes. My austere house could use a lot more of those.
But anyway, THAT tangent aside, tonight my grandparents made us dinner. My mom was in her room recovering from our trip and as usual did not come down for hours, but this time when she came down she was in her pajamas, hair rumpled and eyes brimming with tears. She just stood there bawling. I didn't know what to do. So I just held her, and in a minute she spoke, and then she vented to me and Mamu.
More bad news from the Clinic, as usual. More hopes shattered, more anger and unwillingness to change. My sense of empowerment at being able to help her so much earlier crumbled into helplessness again, and it hurt. She seemed to cheer up immensely after talking with Mamu, visiting my bettas, and giving Christmas presents to my grandparents, but I knew it was hollow. Sure enough, when I talked to her afterward, she was in pieces yet again.
--
Right now I am refusing to let her depression wear me down as well. I am excited because rides to Columbus miraculously just worked out, and because tomorrow I am going to spend all day having fun with Brian and Gio. At night I hopefully willsee B. And, there are plenty of things I CAN do for my parents that are empowering: like wrapping. I like to wrap and apparently it makes a huge difference to them when I do it for them. It seems pretty stupid that I am wrapping my own presents for Christmas, but every little thing I do helps, and it's so rewarding to see my dad relax a little bit when he realizes he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING himself. So I have wrapped a little and hopefully will wrap a lot more.
My mom insulted me by offering to pay me; me, her own fucking daughter, for wrapping Christmas presents for her!!! Honestly, as if it's a huge inconvenience for me to dedicate a few hours here and there out of my enormous winter break.
In the end she won in that she paid for her own Christmas present from me, which I couldn't well prevent because she used her card. I have bought and made her other ones, though, so at least we both feel absolved.
This whole weekend looks to be fun, which is awesome. I really need it. I think if I can have two days of being mostly selfish then I will have more of me to give when I return and need to hardcore create Holiday Cheer. Rob'll be home, and the poor boy is depressed and discouraged beyond belief, and thus it will be a pleasure to witness the transformation a warm inviting home full of delicious desserts works on his soul. Hopefully we'll climb some, and go to the pub... yes. We'll fix him right up and he will be lots of fun.
Basement cleaning continues, but inow it's shifted from purging to winnowing... which is interesting. And satisfying. Old treasures are being rediscovered and KEPT, and now they are much more approachable and easy to find. It's difficult but rewarding.
I wonder if I will finish this basement before the new year comes.