independence, discipline, piety, and friends: healing a broken will
Every now and then women need to roll up their sleeves and do rugged manly stuff. They need to crank up the most unsavory country, bust out their tools, and get to work -- and do shit. They need to make shit happen whether or not there are people to help.
Last night turned out to be just such a night for us at Oakland. I took apart and rebuilt the vacuum, half out of curiousity and half out of an earnest need to fix it. And, as I was replacing the belt, Ashley and Weifei assembled our NEW GRILL. There were nuts and bolts everywhere, I got grease all over me, and there were plenty of crude oaths -- all in all, a very manly scene except for one critical difference: we were all reading instructions. Oh, and wearing skirts. We also all got it right the first time through... ;)
After our shennanigans, I vacuumed my room and gave it a borderline savage cleaning. I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but I have been feeling relentlessly productive lately, and also quite restless because I cannot seem to find a moment of rest. Oh, I could TRY to find moments of rest... but they just aren't there for me. My brain has other plans, my heart demands this
and my hands request that. I've run so many errands and fixed so many things in the past five days it's RIDICULOUS, and yet I still have a million miscellaneous errands, requests, and things to take care of.
I feel... fiercely independent and competent.
Soon things will calm down and I will hopefully descend into the lazy yet spiritual contentment of summer... but that time is not yet here. There is
I SHOULD be falling asleep at High Banks every lunch break, but instead I am rushing from one place to the next stuffing my face with strawberries while I'm in the car. As if I wasn't graceful enough already... *laughs* I do my best to be a classy intern, but I'm somewhat wild around the edges. Anyway.
My only malcontentment with all this business lately is that it is getting harder to find time to run. My goal is twice a week to start, since every time leaves me sore in some new muscle for a few days, but the danger in that is skipping a usual day and then losing rhythm. This week will be tricky because of Comfest and having had no time to run on Monday night... but I'll work it out. I'll also take my bike to that bike-store near Hudson to see how much it would cost to exchange it for something a little more X-treme, or at least with real tires. :P
*stretch* Although I am a little bit tired, I am kind of enjoying this busy rush. I'm grateful that when something needs to be done I have the ability to just up and do it. Not everyone can do that. Not everyone has the health, energy, resources, whatever. I feel that since I personally possess that potential, I owe it to the Kindred to engage it to its fullest.
I don't often bother with emotions like pride, but right now I'm proud of how many things I have accomplished despite that part of me that whispers, "Just do it later. You can do that another time." I'm proud of the simple fact that I get up at 6:45 every morning without complaint. You might say that I am training myself to be a runner in more ways than just running -- I need discipline. If I expect to be able to wake up and run before class, I have to be able to wake up. Not that that's ever been a problem for me, but I need to eliminate the occasional habit of saying, "15 more minutes..." That's lazy. Instead what I should be doing if I have that problem is re-examining my bed-time and finding moderation in sleep. Right now I am way tipped towards no sleep, but it tonight's business unfolds as plans tomorrow I
will finally be able to catch up some. After getting up ridiculously early for a solstice ritual, that is. Whee. :)
Maybe I just feel good because it's nice to not be going downhill for once. Or platuea-ing, which is almost as bad. I feel that because I have fallen so far, my upward descent is that much more noticeable, and that much more important in light of knowing what the bottom is like. My priorities are a little screwed up still, but I'm fixing them... carefully. Writing that one entry about all I did wrong last quarter helped open my eyes. You should know that that was only the tip of the iceberg; I wrote a lot more than ever met your eyes and deleted most of it. Some things are just too difficult to share.
Once I have the nitty-gritty part of my daily life set back in order, the hope is that I can then once again offer my deities a heart-shrine that does not look dark, cluttered, and vandalized. I have not done devotionals for months, although I still pause and sometimes pray before my altar twice a day, and I will not do them until I perceive that it is time to re-open that door. A lot of my progress got backtracked; this is okay, I will start again. I just wish I had never gotten lost here, never taken the road that led me further from home. Eventually I will get back, though, and find my DP writer's block has been lifted along with my spiritual and magical stasis. Both of these require me to heal my own will. I know it is strong alone, but it has been been shattered to pieces. I am struggling to reclaim them even as we speak: I have no other option.
Part of the alloy that will wield it back together is returning to friends and the people I love. That is the third part of the triad that needs to be dealt with, but that requires a separate entry and a lot more thought than this stream-of-conscious-with-punctuation here. I will therefore end... there is a lot to think about today.
Cernunnos, are you chuckling at me?
Last night turned out to be just such a night for us at Oakland. I took apart and rebuilt the vacuum, half out of curiousity and half out of an earnest need to fix it. And, as I was replacing the belt, Ashley and Weifei assembled our NEW GRILL. There were nuts and bolts everywhere, I got grease all over me, and there were plenty of crude oaths -- all in all, a very manly scene except for one critical difference: we were all reading instructions. Oh, and wearing skirts. We also all got it right the first time through... ;)
After our shennanigans, I vacuumed my room and gave it a borderline savage cleaning. I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but I have been feeling relentlessly productive lately, and also quite restless because I cannot seem to find a moment of rest. Oh, I could TRY to find moments of rest... but they just aren't there for me. My brain has other plans, my heart demands this
and my hands request that. I've run so many errands and fixed so many things in the past five days it's RIDICULOUS, and yet I still have a million miscellaneous errands, requests, and things to take care of.
I feel... fiercely independent and competent.
Soon things will calm down and I will hopefully descend into the lazy yet spiritual contentment of summer... but that time is not yet here. There is
I SHOULD be falling asleep at High Banks every lunch break, but instead I am rushing from one place to the next stuffing my face with strawberries while I'm in the car. As if I wasn't graceful enough already... *laughs* I do my best to be a classy intern, but I'm somewhat wild around the edges. Anyway.
My only malcontentment with all this business lately is that it is getting harder to find time to run. My goal is twice a week to start, since every time leaves me sore in some new muscle for a few days, but the danger in that is skipping a usual day and then losing rhythm. This week will be tricky because of Comfest and having had no time to run on Monday night... but I'll work it out. I'll also take my bike to that bike-store near Hudson to see how much it would cost to exchange it for something a little more X-treme, or at least with real tires. :P
*stretch* Although I am a little bit tired, I am kind of enjoying this busy rush. I'm grateful that when something needs to be done I have the ability to just up and do it. Not everyone can do that. Not everyone has the health, energy, resources, whatever. I feel that since I personally possess that potential, I owe it to the Kindred to engage it to its fullest.
I don't often bother with emotions like pride, but right now I'm proud of how many things I have accomplished despite that part of me that whispers, "Just do it later. You can do that another time." I'm proud of the simple fact that I get up at 6:45 every morning without complaint. You might say that I am training myself to be a runner in more ways than just running -- I need discipline. If I expect to be able to wake up and run before class, I have to be able to wake up. Not that that's ever been a problem for me, but I need to eliminate the occasional habit of saying, "15 more minutes..." That's lazy. Instead what I should be doing if I have that problem is re-examining my bed-time and finding moderation in sleep. Right now I am way tipped towards no sleep, but it tonight's business unfolds as plans tomorrow I
will finally be able to catch up some. After getting up ridiculously early for a solstice ritual, that is. Whee. :)
Maybe I just feel good because it's nice to not be going downhill for once. Or platuea-ing, which is almost as bad. I feel that because I have fallen so far, my upward descent is that much more noticeable, and that much more important in light of knowing what the bottom is like. My priorities are a little screwed up still, but I'm fixing them... carefully. Writing that one entry about all I did wrong last quarter helped open my eyes. You should know that that was only the tip of the iceberg; I wrote a lot more than ever met your eyes and deleted most of it. Some things are just too difficult to share.
Once I have the nitty-gritty part of my daily life set back in order, the hope is that I can then once again offer my deities a heart-shrine that does not look dark, cluttered, and vandalized. I have not done devotionals for months, although I still pause and sometimes pray before my altar twice a day, and I will not do them until I perceive that it is time to re-open that door. A lot of my progress got backtracked; this is okay, I will start again. I just wish I had never gotten lost here, never taken the road that led me further from home. Eventually I will get back, though, and find my DP writer's block has been lifted along with my spiritual and magical stasis. Both of these require me to heal my own will. I know it is strong alone, but it has been been shattered to pieces. I am struggling to reclaim them even as we speak: I have no other option.
Part of the alloy that will wield it back together is returning to friends and the people I love. That is the third part of the triad that needs to be dealt with, but that requires a separate entry and a lot more thought than this stream-of-conscious-with-punctuation here. I will therefore end... there is a lot to think about today.
Cernunnos, are you chuckling at me?