(no subject)
My brother finally made his decision about grad school: UC Santa Barbara. The name alone is exciting and enticing. I could go in to the millions of reasons he finally made this decision, but I won't. Just know that I am proud of him, and thrilled about his decision.
I am, however... quietly conflicted. Seeing my family today made me realize just how much I have changed.
I did not want to meet up with my parents at Easton to begin with, but my vague feeling of dread intensified expontentially when I called my mother. She angrily told me she wasn't in the mood to shop anymore and that she didn't want to talk to me, but then she broke down and said she was upset and couldn't stop crying. "Rob chose California," she said. "I know I need to support him, but I can't pretend my heart isn't broken."
I am somewhat bothered by the fact that this did not remotely break my heart, let alone make me feel even the smallest pang of sadness. I'm sure I will when he leaves, but it's just... he is pursuing his dreams. We've all grown, and we're moving away. It must be very hard for a mother, but for me... it's currently not hard. I miss the people who are so far away, and some with whom I've lost contact... but I've still got them, in a hard-to-explain way. Those friendships and faiths still exist. I do not feel in danger of 'losing' Rob, or even remotely threatened by the distance. This is not the case in most situations, but I see him so infrequently now I do not think it will really be awful. Difficult, yes, but worth it if he's happy.
I sometimes wonder - would I have said that years ago, before I had any idea that I would leave and never look back? It was MY 'leaving the nest' that stung the most... but I still cannot seem to see pain or evil in it.
... Anyway, I spent the next few hours walking on eggshells between my parents and brother, desperately wishing there was something to do to lighten the unhappiness between us. The only thing that really seemed to cheer people up at all was when we split up for shopping, Mom telling Dad to take Rob to the men's place and she taking me to the junior's part of Macy's. Her plan, evidently, was to get each of us a new outfit for Easter... which apparently is a big deal to her this year. We've always had a family tradition of brunch with my grandpa, and when younger we did candy-filled Easter egg hunts... but generally speaking, Easter was not an overly important day. My mom pointed out more than once she wanted me to wear springy "Easter" clothes on Easter, and Rob must have brought up the fact that we would be home together then at least six times.
I will happily receive a free meal and see my adorable family again, but I am kind of feeling flustered by how often I have seen them lately. Does that sound awful? I guess I am just unused to so much contact. Typically I'll go home once a month, maybe twice if things are good, but so far I have gone home for the last three weekends, seen them this one, and will be seeing them the next. Frankly, I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that I miss... independence. Freedom trumps everything. The desire to have weekends in which I determine EVERY little thing I do, starting from Thursday night and ending only on Monday morning... it's powerful right now. But it won't be satisfied for many to come.
I feel needlessly stressed out now about what I need to do. Hence I am writing in LJ, ha. *I* determined everything I did on Saturday, which was nice, so seeing family can only be blamed for Sunday, but still... I will only gladly surrender a day or most of one like I did this weekend if I anticipate having time the following day to get stuff done. When most of that is somewhat abruptly taken... yeah. My sleepiness from earlier in the weekend and the week catches up Sunday evening, which is why I try to finish most things beforehand. If I don't, my focus suffers badly and the simplest of tasks become complicated one.
I just failed to take a nap, so now I am running to check something at Hollywood video... and then it is back again. Then homework for real. Or maybe DP work, if I can't quite step up to Chinese. I am trying to be heartened by how beautiful the sunset is (this time of year it is becomes blinding on the filthy window pane behind my computer :P) and how lucky I am to have spent so much time with people I love, but I might as well get my grumping done on LJ in addition to that.
What I really want to do right now is drive down to High Banks and walk alone along the meadow, breathing deeply the spice-scented air and watching my breath coalesce in the cold. I want to hear grasses crunch under foot, notice the new ones springing. The sun is setting fast now and it will likely be dark by the time I get there, but I need... to go. I didn't this Saturday and it worked out well by my heart is not happy.
It would be nuts to go now, it'll likely be dark, and I just told Ash I'd be here...
But fuck it. I'm leaving.
I'll bring what homework I can and do it at Caribou to justify the drive.
I am, however... quietly conflicted. Seeing my family today made me realize just how much I have changed.
I did not want to meet up with my parents at Easton to begin with, but my vague feeling of dread intensified expontentially when I called my mother. She angrily told me she wasn't in the mood to shop anymore and that she didn't want to talk to me, but then she broke down and said she was upset and couldn't stop crying. "Rob chose California," she said. "I know I need to support him, but I can't pretend my heart isn't broken."
I am somewhat bothered by the fact that this did not remotely break my heart, let alone make me feel even the smallest pang of sadness. I'm sure I will when he leaves, but it's just... he is pursuing his dreams. We've all grown, and we're moving away. It must be very hard for a mother, but for me... it's currently not hard. I miss the people who are so far away, and some with whom I've lost contact... but I've still got them, in a hard-to-explain way. Those friendships and faiths still exist. I do not feel in danger of 'losing' Rob, or even remotely threatened by the distance. This is not the case in most situations, but I see him so infrequently now I do not think it will really be awful. Difficult, yes, but worth it if he's happy.
I sometimes wonder - would I have said that years ago, before I had any idea that I would leave and never look back? It was MY 'leaving the nest' that stung the most... but I still cannot seem to see pain or evil in it.
... Anyway, I spent the next few hours walking on eggshells between my parents and brother, desperately wishing there was something to do to lighten the unhappiness between us. The only thing that really seemed to cheer people up at all was when we split up for shopping, Mom telling Dad to take Rob to the men's place and she taking me to the junior's part of Macy's. Her plan, evidently, was to get each of us a new outfit for Easter... which apparently is a big deal to her this year. We've always had a family tradition of brunch with my grandpa, and when younger we did candy-filled Easter egg hunts... but generally speaking, Easter was not an overly important day. My mom pointed out more than once she wanted me to wear springy "Easter" clothes on Easter, and Rob must have brought up the fact that we would be home together then at least six times.
I will happily receive a free meal and see my adorable family again, but I am kind of feeling flustered by how often I have seen them lately. Does that sound awful? I guess I am just unused to so much contact. Typically I'll go home once a month, maybe twice if things are good, but so far I have gone home for the last three weekends, seen them this one, and will be seeing them the next. Frankly, I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that I miss... independence. Freedom trumps everything. The desire to have weekends in which I determine EVERY little thing I do, starting from Thursday night and ending only on Monday morning... it's powerful right now. But it won't be satisfied for many to come.
I feel needlessly stressed out now about what I need to do. Hence I am writing in LJ, ha. *I* determined everything I did on Saturday, which was nice, so seeing family can only be blamed for Sunday, but still... I will only gladly surrender a day or most of one like I did this weekend if I anticipate having time the following day to get stuff done. When most of that is somewhat abruptly taken... yeah. My sleepiness from earlier in the weekend and the week catches up Sunday evening, which is why I try to finish most things beforehand. If I don't, my focus suffers badly and the simplest of tasks become complicated one.
I just failed to take a nap, so now I am running to check something at Hollywood video... and then it is back again. Then homework for real. Or maybe DP work, if I can't quite step up to Chinese. I am trying to be heartened by how beautiful the sunset is (this time of year it is becomes blinding on the filthy window pane behind my computer :P) and how lucky I am to have spent so much time with people I love, but I might as well get my grumping done on LJ in addition to that.
What I really want to do right now is drive down to High Banks and walk alone along the meadow, breathing deeply the spice-scented air and watching my breath coalesce in the cold. I want to hear grasses crunch under foot, notice the new ones springing. The sun is setting fast now and it will likely be dark by the time I get there, but I need... to go. I didn't this Saturday and it worked out well by my heart is not happy.
It would be nuts to go now, it'll likely be dark, and I just told Ash I'd be here...
But fuck it. I'm leaving.
I'll bring what homework I can and do it at Caribou to justify the drive.