place vs people
1.) I realized today that I am desperately attached to 83 1/2 West Oakland. I love this house. I love these people. And I don't ever want it to change.
I know it has to change sometime, but for now, I want to cling to this blissful little dream. Oakland is the center of so much goodness, so much happiness in my life. Oakland is one of the only places on the gods-damned planet that I can call "home." Oakland is also full of some of the only people that I can call "home." Oakland is what kept me sane during my bewildered period of sorrow, and Oakland was the shining beacon that gave me hope all through the miserable summer. Oakland is something constant in my life. Maybe the only constant.
Essentially, Oakland is a dream that came true, and therefore it's precious to me.
I realize that Oakland is temporary dream and I will one day have to leave it. Hell, we're still just kids in college and in a few years we all have to go our separate ways. But that doesn't mean we have to move on after a single year's worth of college... why can't we at least find constancy in the form of housing for a couple of years? I know, I know, moving is exciting, and I've always been fond of change... but I guess I just moved too often too quickly last year and it hit me hard. That's why the thought of staying somewhere for two full years is absolutely tantalizing... why I daydream about living in a house long enough to see the full range of seasons outside my window. This would lend it not only constancy but also a character and a life of its own... we will have laughed and cried here for an entire two years, growing and changing with it. Even one year means the world to me, but I naively attached myself exceedingly hard with the belief that it would last for two.
Obviously, that was a mistake.
Today Kat come over and told us she was potentially considering returning to America. We tried hard not to influence her tricky decision either way, but I have to admit the thought of the Moga returning was pretty exciting. Even more exciting was the obvious implication that Kat would be living with us, reuniting a happy 5-person family.
It was only when Kat and Weifei began to search housing that the implications hit me. Kat moving in would most likely necessitate finding a 5-person house. We've all said in the past that a 5 or 6-person house would be more fun, and Kat has expressly stated that she will not come home if she can't live with us. So, house-hunting is needed. It's also an awesome idea. It's early enough that we can probably dig up something sweet and better than Oakland, maybe a house with laundry facilities or a roof that actually works. Why NOT find somewhere better?
Love.
That's my gods-damned problem.
I don't know when this happened, but I think I fucking fell in love with this house. I knew it would only be for a couple of years, believe me when I say this to you, but I assumed that I would have an adjustment period and time to prepare before leaving. Until then, I intended to revel in my kick-ass room with its two closets, its perfect layout for an altar and excercise, and its airy, sun-flooded windows.
The only problem is that not everyone else is as in love with Oakland as I am. Their rooms are not as awesome as mine, and Weifei's is quite small. Their classes are also not as ridiculously convenient as mine are -- Oakland is more or less as close as you can get to the Business College where I take them. So, naturally I feel like a selfish ass for wanting to stay here.
I really wish I could throw my heart into looking for new housing. I am actually feeling MUCH better now that Kat and Weifei have found potential places in this area, particularly because the house itself is secondary only to location and people. If I could live with all of these people in the same safe, pretty little neighborhood, I would still have a feeling of constancy, convenience, and relative safety. I would not have the room I adore, which has enough space to accomodate my space-hoarding hobbies (you should see all the camping gear / karate stuff / craft stuff I have in my closets!) and the nice common room, but I am confident that wherever we go we will make into an awesome home very quickly. So, somewhere else nearby Oakland would be tolerable. I am not happy about the idea, but it's much happier than moving anywhere else.
Anyway, I really ought to finish cleaning and go hang out with Weifei and Kat. I didn't expect to write this entry at all, especially because I feel like a total jackass knowing Kat and Weifei can read it. This whole thing is nothing but a stunning display of selfish childishness... but at least it is me being honest, so I can move on and get it out of my system.
I guess I just feel like shit because I feel like I have to make a choice between Kat and Oakland, and I really don't feel it's fair that I have to make that choice at all. Maybe we can work something out with Henna, or there's another way to cozily fit Kat in...? I don't know. It's assinine to be unwilling to find another cool place, especially knowing how much it means to Kat. But Oakland means a lot to me...
*sighs*
Have I mentioned we have a week to decide?
And that I'm also being sensitive because I just found out Weifei is leaving for Japan for all of spring quarter?
No more LJ for Anna. Just needed to get that said.
I know it has to change sometime, but for now, I want to cling to this blissful little dream. Oakland is the center of so much goodness, so much happiness in my life. Oakland is one of the only places on the gods-damned planet that I can call "home." Oakland is also full of some of the only people that I can call "home." Oakland is what kept me sane during my bewildered period of sorrow, and Oakland was the shining beacon that gave me hope all through the miserable summer. Oakland is something constant in my life. Maybe the only constant.
Essentially, Oakland is a dream that came true, and therefore it's precious to me.
I realize that Oakland is temporary dream and I will one day have to leave it. Hell, we're still just kids in college and in a few years we all have to go our separate ways. But that doesn't mean we have to move on after a single year's worth of college... why can't we at least find constancy in the form of housing for a couple of years? I know, I know, moving is exciting, and I've always been fond of change... but I guess I just moved too often too quickly last year and it hit me hard. That's why the thought of staying somewhere for two full years is absolutely tantalizing... why I daydream about living in a house long enough to see the full range of seasons outside my window. This would lend it not only constancy but also a character and a life of its own... we will have laughed and cried here for an entire two years, growing and changing with it. Even one year means the world to me, but I naively attached myself exceedingly hard with the belief that it would last for two.
Obviously, that was a mistake.
Today Kat come over and told us she was potentially considering returning to America. We tried hard not to influence her tricky decision either way, but I have to admit the thought of the Moga returning was pretty exciting. Even more exciting was the obvious implication that Kat would be living with us, reuniting a happy 5-person family.
It was only when Kat and Weifei began to search housing that the implications hit me. Kat moving in would most likely necessitate finding a 5-person house. We've all said in the past that a 5 or 6-person house would be more fun, and Kat has expressly stated that she will not come home if she can't live with us. So, house-hunting is needed. It's also an awesome idea. It's early enough that we can probably dig up something sweet and better than Oakland, maybe a house with laundry facilities or a roof that actually works. Why NOT find somewhere better?
Love.
That's my gods-damned problem.
I don't know when this happened, but I think I fucking fell in love with this house. I knew it would only be for a couple of years, believe me when I say this to you, but I assumed that I would have an adjustment period and time to prepare before leaving. Until then, I intended to revel in my kick-ass room with its two closets, its perfect layout for an altar and excercise, and its airy, sun-flooded windows.
The only problem is that not everyone else is as in love with Oakland as I am. Their rooms are not as awesome as mine, and Weifei's is quite small. Their classes are also not as ridiculously convenient as mine are -- Oakland is more or less as close as you can get to the Business College where I take them. So, naturally I feel like a selfish ass for wanting to stay here.
I really wish I could throw my heart into looking for new housing. I am actually feeling MUCH better now that Kat and Weifei have found potential places in this area, particularly because the house itself is secondary only to location and people. If I could live with all of these people in the same safe, pretty little neighborhood, I would still have a feeling of constancy, convenience, and relative safety. I would not have the room I adore, which has enough space to accomodate my space-hoarding hobbies (you should see all the camping gear / karate stuff / craft stuff I have in my closets!) and the nice common room, but I am confident that wherever we go we will make into an awesome home very quickly. So, somewhere else nearby Oakland would be tolerable. I am not happy about the idea, but it's much happier than moving anywhere else.
Anyway, I really ought to finish cleaning and go hang out with Weifei and Kat. I didn't expect to write this entry at all, especially because I feel like a total jackass knowing Kat and Weifei can read it. This whole thing is nothing but a stunning display of selfish childishness... but at least it is me being honest, so I can move on and get it out of my system.
I guess I just feel like shit because I feel like I have to make a choice between Kat and Oakland, and I really don't feel it's fair that I have to make that choice at all. Maybe we can work something out with Henna, or there's another way to cozily fit Kat in...? I don't know. It's assinine to be unwilling to find another cool place, especially knowing how much it means to Kat. But Oakland means a lot to me...
*sighs*
Have I mentioned we have a week to decide?
And that I'm also being sensitive because I just found out Weifei is leaving for Japan for all of spring quarter?
No more LJ for Anna. Just needed to get that said.