everyday is a winding road....
i'm not a wonderful writer, like some, who have an amazing way with words. i can't make people laugh with my silly antics or sly comments. i'm writing to help let go of something because it's obvious that it's time. so here it goes...
so yes. i never write in this thing anymore and i decided that i wanted to right now! i guess a lot has been on my mind and i can't get away from it. maybe im writing because i'm hoping someone will read this and know how i feel. maybe not. doesn't really matter anyway i guess...
have you ever had someone close to you disappear and know it was all your fault?...welcome to my world. an amazing person came into my life unexpectedly and changed it forever. i could call this person any time of day and know they'd answer and be there for me. i could stay up tlking and laughing for hours with them and still, when it was time to say goodnight, want more. they were the first and last person i wanted to tlk to because no matter how bad my day went, or how horrible i felt, they could always make me smile and feel awesome. this person was....original.A class act. they were themselves and comfortable with that! This person is going to be something great! They live their life and look back on it with no regrets. (pretty damn admirable)I on the other had WISH i could live like that. Regret is something that i DO have. i wish i didn't. i would not take back anything from the memories we made or the conversations we share. and yet... they are the exact reason this person is gone! ironic, isn't it? a catch 22 almost. i look back fondly on the good times we shared and yet wonder if they didn't happen would things be fine right now. would we be tlking right now, laughing, and making eachother smile? or was it inevitable we'd lose touch, regardless? can i say that i blame this person for the way they feel? i guess not. i can completely understand why and yet i wish it weren't like this. there is not a day that goes by that i don't wish i could call this person and listen to their ridiculous stories or cocky comments. Or listen to them YELLING all the time! i used to smile when i thought of it. i still do. only now, the smile is followed by a frown and tears growing in my eyes. it's true that you never realize what you have until it's gone. absence makes the heart grow fonder is a crock of shit! what if i don't want the fucking absence! but i'm trying to be respectful of their wishes. it's hard.. i chickened out of calling them the other day and got caught in the act with an embarrassing phone call back from the person's friend asking who i was...DAMNIT!!! (you'd think if you hang up before the end of the first ring, no one would know! nope!) i'm sure many of you that DO read this can probably guess who i'm tlking about. so guess away...you're probably right. i want this person to be happy because they deserve it more than anyone! and if this is what it takes for them to achieve that happiness. then this is what i want. i just wish they didn't want it this way and that they did wanna tlk to me...oh well. i believe in fate and all of this is happening for a reason. (doesn't make it any easier tho)
"And if this is what it takes just to live with my mistakes.
and live with what i did to you, and all the hell i put
you through.I always catch the clock it's 11:11 and now
you want to talk it's not hard to dream you'll always be
my konstantine my konstantine, they'll never hurt you like
i do no they'll never hurt you like i do no, no, no no no
no no no this is to a girl who got into my head with all
the pretty things she did hey you know you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head with all the f**ked up
things i did...my Konstantine"
-Something Cooperate
so yes. i never write in this thing anymore and i decided that i wanted to right now! i guess a lot has been on my mind and i can't get away from it. maybe im writing because i'm hoping someone will read this and know how i feel. maybe not. doesn't really matter anyway i guess...
have you ever had someone close to you disappear and know it was all your fault?...welcome to my world. an amazing person came into my life unexpectedly and changed it forever. i could call this person any time of day and know they'd answer and be there for me. i could stay up tlking and laughing for hours with them and still, when it was time to say goodnight, want more. they were the first and last person i wanted to tlk to because no matter how bad my day went, or how horrible i felt, they could always make me smile and feel awesome. this person was....original.A class act. they were themselves and comfortable with that! This person is going to be something great! They live their life and look back on it with no regrets. (pretty damn admirable)I on the other had WISH i could live like that. Regret is something that i DO have. i wish i didn't. i would not take back anything from the memories we made or the conversations we share. and yet... they are the exact reason this person is gone! ironic, isn't it? a catch 22 almost. i look back fondly on the good times we shared and yet wonder if they didn't happen would things be fine right now. would we be tlking right now, laughing, and making eachother smile? or was it inevitable we'd lose touch, regardless? can i say that i blame this person for the way they feel? i guess not. i can completely understand why and yet i wish it weren't like this. there is not a day that goes by that i don't wish i could call this person and listen to their ridiculous stories or cocky comments. Or listen to them YELLING all the time! i used to smile when i thought of it. i still do. only now, the smile is followed by a frown and tears growing in my eyes. it's true that you never realize what you have until it's gone. absence makes the heart grow fonder is a crock of shit! what if i don't want the fucking absence! but i'm trying to be respectful of their wishes. it's hard.. i chickened out of calling them the other day and got caught in the act with an embarrassing phone call back from the person's friend asking who i was...DAMNIT!!! (you'd think if you hang up before the end of the first ring, no one would know! nope!) i'm sure many of you that DO read this can probably guess who i'm tlking about. so guess away...you're probably right. i want this person to be happy because they deserve it more than anyone! and if this is what it takes for them to achieve that happiness. then this is what i want. i just wish they didn't want it this way and that they did wanna tlk to me...oh well. i believe in fate and all of this is happening for a reason. (doesn't make it any easier tho)
"And if this is what it takes just to live with my mistakes.
and live with what i did to you, and all the hell i put
you through.I always catch the clock it's 11:11 and now
you want to talk it's not hard to dream you'll always be
my konstantine my konstantine, they'll never hurt you like
i do no they'll never hurt you like i do no, no, no no no
no no no this is to a girl who got into my head with all
the pretty things she did hey you know you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head with all the f**ked up
things i did...my Konstantine"
-Something Cooperate