this is a blog about love
before i begin, i'd just like to say that i've been thinking about switching to blogspot...i mean, it just seems to be the more mature version of lj. anyway, here we go.
so its 1 in the morning, and i should really be sleeping or doing something productive, but instead i've chosen to sit here and write this. i slept from 10-11 today out of sheer exhaustion, and i just know that i wont be able to sleep again soon. I did my laundry, because fucking hayden is having asbestos removal during the weekend and i wont be able to do it then...
"Just how dangerous is an open heart?"
- Carrie Bradshawm, Sex and the City
I mean, you open yourself up to someone, and expect something in return. You put yourself out there, with rejection in one hand, and hope in the other. How do we let other people in when we feel so closed up, in our world, in our plans? How do you expect to fall in love if you don't open yourself up?
And when you do....it's the most scary thing in the world. Because you could wind up losing them, or even losing yourself. I suppose that's what school in a nutshell is supposed to teach you, and about how you give yourself to late night homework sprees and your professor's office hours, until finally you realize you aren't doing so well and as a result, you're totally fucked.
My friends complain to me about not finding a man, their perfect, ideal, Prince Perfect. But I feel like, at this point, we will never find him because he doesn't exist. I'm not trying to be cynical here, but I believe people just find someone they can sort of stand and go with it. Love is about compromise, and every single person I know that's in a relationship has put in so much work and time into it. Our childhood has taught us to accept everyone for their differences, no matter the piercings, tattoos, purple hair, our membership in AA. But as we get older, we judge everyone, and everyone judges us.
A friend the other day told me about how she couldn't stop thinking about a guy she met. But she wanted to push him away because she said she had, "no time" for a relationship, and that it wasn't important to her right now. Her career and school is important.
I agree, those things are important, but will it make you happy? In the words of my roommate, " School is here but Life is up Here."
okay. Stop.
Some women I know believe they have it all planned out. That at 21 they'll achieve their Bachelor degrees from Universities, at 25 they'll be done with their masters programs/med school/law school, and they'll have a stable job by 26. By 28 they'll have started to earn enough money to be done with student loans and start owing the banks a sum for the money they've taken out for their new car, mortgage, or lease.By 30 they'll have found the perfect man and within 2 years, will be married. At age 34 they'll have kids. One at 34, and the next at 35. One will be a boy and one will be a girl.
This is all bullshit.
True, I've become a more positive person in the last month, but this, this is just too much. If you always say you don't have time for a relationship, when WILL you have time? In med school? When you're working your ass off to pay back loans?
Love should be something that should happen naturally. But it'll only happen if you let it. If you close yourself off to men, good men at that, and good men are so hard to come by, then one day you'll wake up and realize you forgot to have kids.
I think everyone deserves love, at least once in their life.
But if you don't open yourself, if you don't make time, where will you meet this man? Who are you kidding, ladies? And you complain, ten years later, when you sit in front of eharmony.com, that there are "no matches."
Good men go quick, like Manolo Blahniks on sale and appointments for therapy.
I've realized that it's all a part of maturity. That having this mindset that you can share your life with someone, give a part of yourself to them, is a part of growth. Who cares if you get rejected, hurt, or betrayed? It happens to everyone and you should make it a part of your life too. It teaches you how to be sensitive and just how hard it is to actually fall in love.
A week ago when I kissed (insert random name here, because i dont even know his name) I realized that just kissing meant nothing. It's about how you feel when you do it. Seriously, it was bad. Like totally eating my face bad.
And yet, it's just made me want to feel something even more. I'm not much of a thrill seeker. I don't like rollercoasters, and I don't eat spicy food. But I'm determined to open myself to someone and stop seeing the faults in every man I meet. I now know that it's dysfunctional, that the boys I went on dates with in high school could have been an experience for me. That not every boyfriend should live up to marriage status, that instead of turning nice men down I should probably have given them a shot. I would have learned from those relationships, how to love, how to care about someone other than myself. I would have learned to be a good kisser, and I probably would have learned to be a little less awkward physically. I mean, honestly, I'm just so awkward when it comes to physical contact. I just can't handle it.
But I want to. I want to enjoy the touch of somebody else, I want to feel good in my own skin when he tells me. Because you know what? I'm a good looking girl. There. I said it. I've had such low self esteem and confidence about myself at NYU. But once you step out of NYU, you realize that boys do you like you, and you will eventually get hit on. hahaha. NYU is full of hipster jewish boys who only want you to smoke a joint with them, and I always play it off like I'm too good for the east coast weed. Because seriously, if I were to start getting high, it would only be on California grass.
I've learned that confidence is sexy, and once you stop being confident, you're not attractive anymore. Who wants to date someone who's always feeling weird about themselves? We are such good looking kids. Seriously. Chances are if you're reading this you probably know me and you're probably really good looking too. We're 18, we should use our bodies to do something. I don't mean sex, but I just mean we should feel proud of the way we look, no matter how thin or tall we think we should be.
My name is Angela and I believe I'm a good looking girl. I'm ready to fall in love and I am going to open myself to someone. I will stop being dysfunctional and start seeing the good in men. I will not compare them to my father or pick away at the things that the boy isn't good at. I will be confident that I am attractive, smart, and just as good as any other girl out there. I will not let anyone intimidate me, tell me I can't or say any bullshit. I will tune out the unnecessary noise. I will not be afraid of getting hurt.
This, is a blog, about love.
so its 1 in the morning, and i should really be sleeping or doing something productive, but instead i've chosen to sit here and write this. i slept from 10-11 today out of sheer exhaustion, and i just know that i wont be able to sleep again soon. I did my laundry, because fucking hayden is having asbestos removal during the weekend and i wont be able to do it then...
"Just how dangerous is an open heart?"
- Carrie Bradshawm, Sex and the City
I mean, you open yourself up to someone, and expect something in return. You put yourself out there, with rejection in one hand, and hope in the other. How do we let other people in when we feel so closed up, in our world, in our plans? How do you expect to fall in love if you don't open yourself up?
And when you do....it's the most scary thing in the world. Because you could wind up losing them, or even losing yourself. I suppose that's what school in a nutshell is supposed to teach you, and about how you give yourself to late night homework sprees and your professor's office hours, until finally you realize you aren't doing so well and as a result, you're totally fucked.
My friends complain to me about not finding a man, their perfect, ideal, Prince Perfect. But I feel like, at this point, we will never find him because he doesn't exist. I'm not trying to be cynical here, but I believe people just find someone they can sort of stand and go with it. Love is about compromise, and every single person I know that's in a relationship has put in so much work and time into it. Our childhood has taught us to accept everyone for their differences, no matter the piercings, tattoos, purple hair, our membership in AA. But as we get older, we judge everyone, and everyone judges us.
A friend the other day told me about how she couldn't stop thinking about a guy she met. But she wanted to push him away because she said she had, "no time" for a relationship, and that it wasn't important to her right now. Her career and school is important.
I agree, those things are important, but will it make you happy? In the words of my roommate, " School is here but Life is up Here."
okay. Stop.
Some women I know believe they have it all planned out. That at 21 they'll achieve their Bachelor degrees from Universities, at 25 they'll be done with their masters programs/med school/law school, and they'll have a stable job by 26. By 28 they'll have started to earn enough money to be done with student loans and start owing the banks a sum for the money they've taken out for their new car, mortgage, or lease.By 30 they'll have found the perfect man and within 2 years, will be married. At age 34 they'll have kids. One at 34, and the next at 35. One will be a boy and one will be a girl.
This is all bullshit.
True, I've become a more positive person in the last month, but this, this is just too much. If you always say you don't have time for a relationship, when WILL you have time? In med school? When you're working your ass off to pay back loans?
Love should be something that should happen naturally. But it'll only happen if you let it. If you close yourself off to men, good men at that, and good men are so hard to come by, then one day you'll wake up and realize you forgot to have kids.
I think everyone deserves love, at least once in their life.
But if you don't open yourself, if you don't make time, where will you meet this man? Who are you kidding, ladies? And you complain, ten years later, when you sit in front of eharmony.com, that there are "no matches."
Good men go quick, like Manolo Blahniks on sale and appointments for therapy.
I've realized that it's all a part of maturity. That having this mindset that you can share your life with someone, give a part of yourself to them, is a part of growth. Who cares if you get rejected, hurt, or betrayed? It happens to everyone and you should make it a part of your life too. It teaches you how to be sensitive and just how hard it is to actually fall in love.
A week ago when I kissed (insert random name here, because i dont even know his name) I realized that just kissing meant nothing. It's about how you feel when you do it. Seriously, it was bad. Like totally eating my face bad.
And yet, it's just made me want to feel something even more. I'm not much of a thrill seeker. I don't like rollercoasters, and I don't eat spicy food. But I'm determined to open myself to someone and stop seeing the faults in every man I meet. I now know that it's dysfunctional, that the boys I went on dates with in high school could have been an experience for me. That not every boyfriend should live up to marriage status, that instead of turning nice men down I should probably have given them a shot. I would have learned from those relationships, how to love, how to care about someone other than myself. I would have learned to be a good kisser, and I probably would have learned to be a little less awkward physically. I mean, honestly, I'm just so awkward when it comes to physical contact. I just can't handle it.
But I want to. I want to enjoy the touch of somebody else, I want to feel good in my own skin when he tells me. Because you know what? I'm a good looking girl. There. I said it. I've had such low self esteem and confidence about myself at NYU. But once you step out of NYU, you realize that boys do you like you, and you will eventually get hit on. hahaha. NYU is full of hipster jewish boys who only want you to smoke a joint with them, and I always play it off like I'm too good for the east coast weed. Because seriously, if I were to start getting high, it would only be on California grass.
I've learned that confidence is sexy, and once you stop being confident, you're not attractive anymore. Who wants to date someone who's always feeling weird about themselves? We are such good looking kids. Seriously. Chances are if you're reading this you probably know me and you're probably really good looking too. We're 18, we should use our bodies to do something. I don't mean sex, but I just mean we should feel proud of the way we look, no matter how thin or tall we think we should be.
My name is Angela and I believe I'm a good looking girl. I'm ready to fall in love and I am going to open myself to someone. I will stop being dysfunctional and start seeing the good in men. I will not compare them to my father or pick away at the things that the boy isn't good at. I will be confident that I am attractive, smart, and just as good as any other girl out there. I will not let anyone intimidate me, tell me I can't or say any bullshit. I will tune out the unnecessary noise. I will not be afraid of getting hurt.
This, is a blog, about love.