DYSCALCULIA
I think having dyscalculia, w/out knowing it, & just believing I was stupid for most of life has contributed greatly to why I'm depressed. I could be wrong. There's a chance I might not even have it, but when I learned about it, it made sense. It made so much sense that I cried, because it felt so good to know it had a name.
A lot of things made sense. It would explain why I used to cry over my math homework, why I had trouble learning about money (fractions), why I had trouble learning to read a clock & why I got stressed when I took the timed math table tests in grade school. It would explain why in high school I had an easier time in geometry (pictures) & why chemistry & physics were the hardest sciences for me. It would even explain why I even have trouble w/ music, despite it being my better half.
Mom used to tell me that I was bright but lazy & needed to work harder, but I always felt that I was giving it my all & failing anyway. I know that it's possible to be bright & still have a learning disorder. But I didn't know I had one & I think Mom -being a teacher- didn't want to accept that I might. And so I felt stupid in general & felt like I was letting everyone down somehow.
I remember asking for an IQ test (but never getting one), from elementary through high school, if only to prove to my folks that I wasn't lazy...just stupid. Instead, sometime during high school I was tested for a chemical imbalance, to see if my depression was biological. That came out negative, but it didn't take away the fact that I couldn't stand life awake, that I've wanted for a long time to just check in to a sanitarium & that I've even felt remotely suicidal now & then.
If I have dyscalculia, & I'm sure I do, I can accept that. It means that I'm not lazy or stupid, I just learn differently. And that's perfectly fine. But I've been mentally beating myself into submission for so long that it's effected everything I do & how I see my world. And then little problems feel bigger, which compound & add to the depression.
I want greatly to work through this. I've seen my doctor & I've seen psychologists & for a while I thought I was really making progress. But lately I'm not so sure. I have the urge to just curl up in bed & stay there & not eat or talk to anyone. And/or check in & tell them I feel like checking out. I mean I don't really want to die. I do believe that suicide is cowardly & selfish & I have too much pride & too much to live for, but somehow the feeling is there anyway.
http://www.dyscalculia.org
http://www.dyscalculia.org.uk
http://www.dyscalculiainfo.org