A message from Nikkia
In the midst of economic hardships, political upheavals and televised reruns of "Frasier", our feeble minded friends tend to forget that it is not they who control the world, it is us, the Canine Race. One day very soon, you will probably find yourself with a need to remind your Human who runs the household.
To help you in your endeavors, I have prepared the following guide. When followed correctly, these steps are foolproof in reasserting your rightful place of dominance and reminding your Humans that they are merely the openers of the cheese drawer and transportation to Dairy Queen.
1.) When your Human arrives home for the day, be at the door ready to greet Her. This is most effective if you wait until She has not had time to fully open the door before shoving your nose through the crack and whipping it wide so that She drops whatever She was holding in Her other hand thereby allowing you easier investigative access. This serves a second purpose: training your Human to quickly let go of the keys still in the lock, else She find herself on the kitchen floor, with stinging fingers and broken knees.
2.) After fully investigating the contents of the bags She has brought home, demand to be let outside immediately. Do not make this easy on Her however - this step is best performed by leaping frantically in front of the door. (Bonus points if you smack Her in the face as She's wrangling with the curtain and the lock.)
3.) Once you've finished your out-of-doors business, now is the time to demand that She share Her dinner, one Jack In The Box teriyaki chicken bowl (investigated thoroughly during Step 1 but foiled by plastic lid and excessive napkins). Huff disgustedly when She offers one scoop of rice and one measly piece of chicken. If this does not convince Her to immediately volunteer the remainder of the bowl, pick the good stuff out and leave all the kibble in your bowl. (Wait until She's out of the room before eating the kibble - don't let Her see that you really are hungry enough to eat dog food).
4.) Allow Her 30 minutes of peace, just long enough to get engrossed in the movie She rented before beginning Phase 3 - The Stare Down and Phase 4 - The Heavy Panting in Immediate Proximity.
Warning: Phase 4 might result in the dreaded spray bottle defense move. If this happens, do not panic. Simply retreat to a safe distance and continue with Phase 3. Be sure to subliminally project thoughts of sleepless nights and restless panting. Eventually, She will be forced to give in to your demand for "exercise" for fear you will not "settle down".
5.) As soon as She stands up and moves toward Her tennis shoes - even if only by a fraction of an inch - begin to frantically race around the house, impeding Her efforts to shod herself yet wild enough to keep the threat of a sleepless night prominent in Her thoughts. When She puts on Her jacket and/or picks up the leash, begin barking and leaping. Do not stop this. Threats that all walks will forever be cancelled is simply a bluff. Sleepless nights and restless panting cannot be so easily overcome.
6.) At this point She will be flustered and more than a little irritated. Keep it up. This means that you now have the upper paw, She is doing what you want Her to. When you finally exit the house and She realizes that She's forgotten the movie to return, Her wallet and Her cell phone and attempts to re-enter the house with you in tow, begin screaming and thrashing at the end of the leash. The louder the better, you want all the neighbors to witness this cruelty. If at all possible, crash violently into the screen door and wrap the leash around the flower pot on the front step. And remember, scream. She does have a slight advantage in that you are tethered by a leash but if all else fails, flop to the ground and make yourself a dead (screaming!) weight to haul bodily by the neck over the doorstep back into the house.
7.) Once She has gathered the forgotten items and checked through the blinds to see if the neighbors are still watching, it's time for the walk. Be creative - this is your time! After all, you're in public and people frown on beating dogs in public. For example, you might suddenly find yourself adverse to walking through the piles of leaves littering the sidewalk. Walk normally on the leash until you reach one of the aforementioned piles, then launch yourself theatrically sideways, crashing into Her legs and knocking Her into the gutter. Warning: She will catch on to this trick after the third time so mix it up. Walk through some piles but not others. Perhaps any pile including brown leaves is off limits or suspicious looking maple leaves are cause for extreme alarm.
8.) If the leaf-launching trick still fails to show Her who's boss, you will have to break out the fail proof Human Humiliation Move. Timing is critically important to this maneuver. Be sure to wait until you're more than half a mile from home before finding the busiest intersection, beneath the brightest streetlight and relieve yourself smack in the middle of the sidewalk. Dig deep, strain hard. I'm talking not only the rice you ate an hour ago, the one measly piece of chicken and that horrible bowl of kibble but everything you've ever eaten in your life. Make sure you do this when there is a line of cars stretching down the block. Then step back and look Her right in the face as She's forced to scoop your entire gastro-intestinal history from the public sidewalk and carry it for the next mile until She can find a garbage can.
9.) When you finally reach your destination, be on your very best behavior. Charm everyone, kiss babies, hug lepers. No one - no one! - will believe that your name is DemonDog.
Congratulations! You've managed to remind your Human who wears the leash in the family...and who carries the bag of poop for a mile.
To help you in your endeavors, I have prepared the following guide. When followed correctly, these steps are foolproof in reasserting your rightful place of dominance and reminding your Humans that they are merely the openers of the cheese drawer and transportation to Dairy Queen.
1.) When your Human arrives home for the day, be at the door ready to greet Her. This is most effective if you wait until She has not had time to fully open the door before shoving your nose through the crack and whipping it wide so that She drops whatever She was holding in Her other hand thereby allowing you easier investigative access. This serves a second purpose: training your Human to quickly let go of the keys still in the lock, else She find herself on the kitchen floor, with stinging fingers and broken knees.
2.) After fully investigating the contents of the bags She has brought home, demand to be let outside immediately. Do not make this easy on Her however - this step is best performed by leaping frantically in front of the door. (Bonus points if you smack Her in the face as She's wrangling with the curtain and the lock.)
3.) Once you've finished your out-of-doors business, now is the time to demand that She share Her dinner, one Jack In The Box teriyaki chicken bowl (investigated thoroughly during Step 1 but foiled by plastic lid and excessive napkins). Huff disgustedly when She offers one scoop of rice and one measly piece of chicken. If this does not convince Her to immediately volunteer the remainder of the bowl, pick the good stuff out and leave all the kibble in your bowl. (Wait until She's out of the room before eating the kibble - don't let Her see that you really are hungry enough to eat dog food).
4.) Allow Her 30 minutes of peace, just long enough to get engrossed in the movie She rented before beginning Phase 3 - The Stare Down and Phase 4 - The Heavy Panting in Immediate Proximity.
Warning: Phase 4 might result in the dreaded spray bottle defense move. If this happens, do not panic. Simply retreat to a safe distance and continue with Phase 3. Be sure to subliminally project thoughts of sleepless nights and restless panting. Eventually, She will be forced to give in to your demand for "exercise" for fear you will not "settle down".
5.) As soon as She stands up and moves toward Her tennis shoes - even if only by a fraction of an inch - begin to frantically race around the house, impeding Her efforts to shod herself yet wild enough to keep the threat of a sleepless night prominent in Her thoughts. When She puts on Her jacket and/or picks up the leash, begin barking and leaping. Do not stop this. Threats that all walks will forever be cancelled is simply a bluff. Sleepless nights and restless panting cannot be so easily overcome.
6.) At this point She will be flustered and more than a little irritated. Keep it up. This means that you now have the upper paw, She is doing what you want Her to. When you finally exit the house and She realizes that She's forgotten the movie to return, Her wallet and Her cell phone and attempts to re-enter the house with you in tow, begin screaming and thrashing at the end of the leash. The louder the better, you want all the neighbors to witness this cruelty. If at all possible, crash violently into the screen door and wrap the leash around the flower pot on the front step. And remember, scream. She does have a slight advantage in that you are tethered by a leash but if all else fails, flop to the ground and make yourself a dead (screaming!) weight to haul bodily by the neck over the doorstep back into the house.
7.) Once She has gathered the forgotten items and checked through the blinds to see if the neighbors are still watching, it's time for the walk. Be creative - this is your time! After all, you're in public and people frown on beating dogs in public. For example, you might suddenly find yourself adverse to walking through the piles of leaves littering the sidewalk. Walk normally on the leash until you reach one of the aforementioned piles, then launch yourself theatrically sideways, crashing into Her legs and knocking Her into the gutter. Warning: She will catch on to this trick after the third time so mix it up. Walk through some piles but not others. Perhaps any pile including brown leaves is off limits or suspicious looking maple leaves are cause for extreme alarm.
8.) If the leaf-launching trick still fails to show Her who's boss, you will have to break out the fail proof Human Humiliation Move. Timing is critically important to this maneuver. Be sure to wait until you're more than half a mile from home before finding the busiest intersection, beneath the brightest streetlight and relieve yourself smack in the middle of the sidewalk. Dig deep, strain hard. I'm talking not only the rice you ate an hour ago, the one measly piece of chicken and that horrible bowl of kibble but everything you've ever eaten in your life. Make sure you do this when there is a line of cars stretching down the block. Then step back and look Her right in the face as She's forced to scoop your entire gastro-intestinal history from the public sidewalk and carry it for the next mile until She can find a garbage can.
9.) When you finally reach your destination, be on your very best behavior. Charm everyone, kiss babies, hug lepers. No one - no one! - will believe that your name is DemonDog.
Congratulations! You've managed to remind your Human who wears the leash in the family...and who carries the bag of poop for a mile.