I Don't Slam No More
I try to reach back to slam...but I fear it is not to be. There's something about the chemical reaction I have with the competitive art form that creates something...caustic. It burns, it smells of rot, and each foray into Slam leaves me with wounds it takes months to heal.
Much is self-created, generated, and sustained, and I am woman enough to recognize the ugly parts of my own soul that envies others, gets caught up in scores, and refuses to accept as good my own toddles compared to my perceptions of others works as sprints...
But all that, is not the reason I don't slam. I don't slam because while some have found an appreciative and warm slam "community," I have encountered only turf wars fought by fragile male egos. Maybe it's just Ohio, but I swear, old fashioned penis-measuring has nothing on the grandstanding, posturing and pure hater-ation I get to witness. My tendency to take my bat and ball and go home has kicked into full force on this one, and I have no intention of going back...similar to the feeling I have about my sorority but that...is another story. This one will stay focused on Slam.
So, there are players in every game- some major, some minor. I am at best a marginal minor player whose opinions mean less than the space they take up on the page, if that. I only know from experience that the voice of one insignificant reflects the collectively held secret thoughts of more than the sole voice. So it is in that spirit I offer my experience.
So when I started to slam, in Ohio, not in my hometown because there was no slam, I met some folks who were humble, and sincere, and we had fun together, and they welcomed me and it was good. And as any scene does, that group began to change and many of those heart-filled people drifted away, and something happened to the ones that were left behind. They became a little harder, a little less welcoming, a bit more competitive. Now, I think that Ohio as a state tends to rage against shadows only they can see, so this was no surprise and I was busy with work too, so...I let myself be carried away from slam, and the men who were the driving forces of it in Ohio.
Maybe it's a type of charisma I know I don't possess, that hip-hop swagger that is the movement's legacy to slam and the playground for black men, that "look what I can do with words" flow that comes with a wink and masculine charm. But Ohio slam is a cult of personality coalesced around a few pivotal male figures who, over time, have become slightly larger than life...and everyone else just clumps around them, like acolytes around David Koresh. Other attachments are frowned upon as slightly disloyal. And for some reason, these men, originally fraternity, have cordoned themselves off behind roles, venues, titles and positions to the point where Civil War is about to break out, and everyone has a crew of minions to do their bidding.
I am so sick of it. I am sick of the thinly veiled accusations and character assassinations masked as "debate," any valid point obscured completely by the venom in the words. I am sick of the holier than thou sermons to the choirs, and the puerile attempts to drag outsiders into a wholly local and totally personal argument. I am sick of the passive aggressive machinations to get underlings, foundlings and emeritus embroiled in the discussion by using half truths and offline conversations in a largely online war. And I am sick and tired of the "well fuck you then, I'll just pout" non-responsiveness to legitimate questions.
All of you need to grow the fuck up. If your balls are as big as you keep shouting them to be, then talk to each other, not about or around each other. And for God's sake, would it kill you to work together? Once? Get your over-sized egos out of the way and see that you are turning people off from slam? This has gone on long enough. I was one casualty; how many more have there been, and how many more will there be? No one wants to be around this kind of "scene." And you all are no kinds of leaders, and no real ambassadors for the art form you all claim to love. And it's reflected in the attendance at your venues.
I came to slam for community, to grow in my skill as a writer amidst like-minded individuals. We are not growing, we are not of like minds, and this is not positive for anyone. You all are the major reason I don't slam.
Much is self-created, generated, and sustained, and I am woman enough to recognize the ugly parts of my own soul that envies others, gets caught up in scores, and refuses to accept as good my own toddles compared to my perceptions of others works as sprints...
But all that, is not the reason I don't slam. I don't slam because while some have found an appreciative and warm slam "community," I have encountered only turf wars fought by fragile male egos. Maybe it's just Ohio, but I swear, old fashioned penis-measuring has nothing on the grandstanding, posturing and pure hater-ation I get to witness. My tendency to take my bat and ball and go home has kicked into full force on this one, and I have no intention of going back...similar to the feeling I have about my sorority but that...is another story. This one will stay focused on Slam.
So, there are players in every game- some major, some minor. I am at best a marginal minor player whose opinions mean less than the space they take up on the page, if that. I only know from experience that the voice of one insignificant reflects the collectively held secret thoughts of more than the sole voice. So it is in that spirit I offer my experience.
So when I started to slam, in Ohio, not in my hometown because there was no slam, I met some folks who were humble, and sincere, and we had fun together, and they welcomed me and it was good. And as any scene does, that group began to change and many of those heart-filled people drifted away, and something happened to the ones that were left behind. They became a little harder, a little less welcoming, a bit more competitive. Now, I think that Ohio as a state tends to rage against shadows only they can see, so this was no surprise and I was busy with work too, so...I let myself be carried away from slam, and the men who were the driving forces of it in Ohio.
Maybe it's a type of charisma I know I don't possess, that hip-hop swagger that is the movement's legacy to slam and the playground for black men, that "look what I can do with words" flow that comes with a wink and masculine charm. But Ohio slam is a cult of personality coalesced around a few pivotal male figures who, over time, have become slightly larger than life...and everyone else just clumps around them, like acolytes around David Koresh. Other attachments are frowned upon as slightly disloyal. And for some reason, these men, originally fraternity, have cordoned themselves off behind roles, venues, titles and positions to the point where Civil War is about to break out, and everyone has a crew of minions to do their bidding.
I am so sick of it. I am sick of the thinly veiled accusations and character assassinations masked as "debate," any valid point obscured completely by the venom in the words. I am sick of the holier than thou sermons to the choirs, and the puerile attempts to drag outsiders into a wholly local and totally personal argument. I am sick of the passive aggressive machinations to get underlings, foundlings and emeritus embroiled in the discussion by using half truths and offline conversations in a largely online war. And I am sick and tired of the "well fuck you then, I'll just pout" non-responsiveness to legitimate questions.
All of you need to grow the fuck up. If your balls are as big as you keep shouting them to be, then talk to each other, not about or around each other. And for God's sake, would it kill you to work together? Once? Get your over-sized egos out of the way and see that you are turning people off from slam? This has gone on long enough. I was one casualty; how many more have there been, and how many more will there be? No one wants to be around this kind of "scene." And you all are no kinds of leaders, and no real ambassadors for the art form you all claim to love. And it's reflected in the attendance at your venues.
I came to slam for community, to grow in my skill as a writer amidst like-minded individuals. We are not growing, we are not of like minds, and this is not positive for anyone. You all are the major reason I don't slam.