(no subject)
Recently, I've found myself drifting farther from social norms for monogamy and closer to dysfunctionality. It all comes back to the sad realization that I'm becoming so desensitized to men that I have to convince myself they're even human.
I wish I were kidding.
When I stop to think about a past relationship or the future of opening myself again to any kind of intimacy, my perspective of the opposite sex is so skewed that I'm under some kind of false impression that men a) don't consider emotions, b) want quantity rather that quality because they can't handle responsibility, c) use fear of monogamy as a conviction that to commit to one person would be more boring than exhilarating in any way, shape, or form, and d) want what they can't have to such an extreme that no matter how amazing or compatible a woman is, they'll keep their options open and feel miserable just for the mystery.
Perceiving the male gender in this light confuses me. I would never let anyone believe that I had treated him as a stepping stone to someone else. I get lost in the notion that two people can coexist harmoniously in an intimate setting for 50+ years and never tire of each other. I give myself up completely to a man I find worthy of pursuit. When a relationship becomes long-term and the guesswork is out of it, that's when I'm most comfortable. I think people besides myself and the needs of those people are just as great as me and my own needs, so I consider them because they deserve at least that common courtesy. Only, it's not very common, is it? The point is, I don't fuck with men because they're human beings and I expect not to be fucked with in return, but I am fucked with, so, logically, men must not act like human beings. Maybe it's like Ran told me a long time ago: I just shouldn't have expectations.
The strangest thing about these thoughts is that I'm not a sexist. I don't like to think men are any different than women in any kind of mental capacity. I like to think that as a common species, we can communicate in a functional way and meet each other's needs for compassion, intimacy, diversion, humor, confidence... love. I hear stories all the time about how people can love each other and grow together. I mean, shit, Johnny Cash and June Carter are prime examples, for Christ's sake. I just don't see its dim headlights approaching anywhere on my horizon. Maybe it's just myopia.
Anyway, I'm borderline giving up hope for happiness in love and I'm about to write it off completely and look elsewhere in my life for that kind of completion. It's been my experience that the only person I can ever completely trust is me.
I've always been cynical, but this is ridiculous.
If it weren't for Toshines, the missing link between the sexes, I'd have given up a long time ago. So, I'd like to turn this entire entry around and congratulate my best friend for never being a douchebag and for being the best guy in the entire world for my sister. You should start teaching a class on how to be you because dudes are fucking idiots and should at least learn that they have the option to be human beings so that I can stop hating myself for becoming bitter and sexist. Thanks.
I wish I were kidding.
When I stop to think about a past relationship or the future of opening myself again to any kind of intimacy, my perspective of the opposite sex is so skewed that I'm under some kind of false impression that men a) don't consider emotions, b) want quantity rather that quality because they can't handle responsibility, c) use fear of monogamy as a conviction that to commit to one person would be more boring than exhilarating in any way, shape, or form, and d) want what they can't have to such an extreme that no matter how amazing or compatible a woman is, they'll keep their options open and feel miserable just for the mystery.
Perceiving the male gender in this light confuses me. I would never let anyone believe that I had treated him as a stepping stone to someone else. I get lost in the notion that two people can coexist harmoniously in an intimate setting for 50+ years and never tire of each other. I give myself up completely to a man I find worthy of pursuit. When a relationship becomes long-term and the guesswork is out of it, that's when I'm most comfortable. I think people besides myself and the needs of those people are just as great as me and my own needs, so I consider them because they deserve at least that common courtesy. Only, it's not very common, is it? The point is, I don't fuck with men because they're human beings and I expect not to be fucked with in return, but I am fucked with, so, logically, men must not act like human beings. Maybe it's like Ran told me a long time ago: I just shouldn't have expectations.
The strangest thing about these thoughts is that I'm not a sexist. I don't like to think men are any different than women in any kind of mental capacity. I like to think that as a common species, we can communicate in a functional way and meet each other's needs for compassion, intimacy, diversion, humor, confidence... love. I hear stories all the time about how people can love each other and grow together. I mean, shit, Johnny Cash and June Carter are prime examples, for Christ's sake. I just don't see its dim headlights approaching anywhere on my horizon. Maybe it's just myopia.
Anyway, I'm borderline giving up hope for happiness in love and I'm about to write it off completely and look elsewhere in my life for that kind of completion. It's been my experience that the only person I can ever completely trust is me.
I've always been cynical, but this is ridiculous.
If it weren't for Toshines, the missing link between the sexes, I'd have given up a long time ago. So, I'd like to turn this entire entry around and congratulate my best friend for never being a douchebag and for being the best guy in the entire world for my sister. You should start teaching a class on how to be you because dudes are fucking idiots and should at least learn that they have the option to be human beings so that I can stop hating myself for becoming bitter and sexist. Thanks.