Memories...
Why is it that memories tend to haunt us? It doesn't matter how far away you go...you just can't out run your memories. Its scary. I hate to admit it. But I am afraid. Scared as of now. I don't know why. I just find myself lingering in the past lately. I find myself thinking of things that I said goodbye to. I find myself tearing up over bad decisions...amazing memories...dreams gone bad. The past two weeks have been simply wonderful. Every day had its own beauty...its own precious significance. I lived in the moment...not in the past. Now I find myself reaching back into the volt and pulling out handfuls of memories that I just want to forget. Lets just say...Relapse. Don't get me wrong I have said goodbye. When I said that...I meant it...permanently...always and forever. But now I am lingering...regretting...wondering...why?
Not all memories haunt me in a bad sense. Some of them are amazing. And maybe one day I will fondly remember my first love and be thankful that I didn't end up with him. Maybe one day I will look back on this time and laugh at that hopeless girl who had given up on finding anything.
What do you think about when you fall asleep at night? Lately I toss and turn because I have begun asking myself those awful questions all over again. But I often find myself thinking about love. I find myself hoping for something amazing to come along and I dream about the one who will come and make every day worth living. Sometimes I think about my singing. Do I actually have what it takes to make it. Sometimes...there is no question in my mind that that is what I will be and do for the rest of my life. Other times I find emptiness in the pit of my stomach...this type of fear that makes me believe that I have absolutely no chance. Sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep I think about my grandmother. She was this amazing woman who practically raised me. She taught me to love Jesus and she is responsible for my ability to sing today. I think about how she used to play with my hair as I fell asleep when I was little. She would take her fingers and move my hair gently behind my ears while she silently sung gospel hymns to ease me into my slumber. She was amazing. I often wonder what she would think of me if she was still alive today. I wonder if she would be amazed by my talent. I wonder if she and I would still be as close as we were when we were little. I don't think that I have ever gotten over her death. But...her memory is one of the most precious things. I wonder if she knows what an impact she has made on my life. Truly. I wonder if she knows that I still think of her and still cherish everything we ever built or created.
I don't know. I guess I am just soul searching. Rambling. Feeling anxious. Nervous. Sad. Happy. Confused. Longing. But...the good news is...everything is going to be okay. That much I do know. I know that this must be kind of redundant...but I don't care. Tonight...I just sat down at the computer and typed out everything that was on my mind. Now...it is cleared and I feel as if I can go to bed. Well maybe not...but...I will go read. That will make me feel good.
Five things I appreciate:
1. A good work out with Al.
2. Watching Notting Hill tonight.
3. The best two hour nap that I have ever taken (my guilty pleasure).
4. A good VOP practice.
5. A nice clean room...I made it a little bit more homier tonight. It looks so cozy and I love it.
But...I am off to read...don't cry...I am long winded...I am sure more will come to me.
Not all memories haunt me in a bad sense. Some of them are amazing. And maybe one day I will fondly remember my first love and be thankful that I didn't end up with him. Maybe one day I will look back on this time and laugh at that hopeless girl who had given up on finding anything.
What do you think about when you fall asleep at night? Lately I toss and turn because I have begun asking myself those awful questions all over again. But I often find myself thinking about love. I find myself hoping for something amazing to come along and I dream about the one who will come and make every day worth living. Sometimes I think about my singing. Do I actually have what it takes to make it. Sometimes...there is no question in my mind that that is what I will be and do for the rest of my life. Other times I find emptiness in the pit of my stomach...this type of fear that makes me believe that I have absolutely no chance. Sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep I think about my grandmother. She was this amazing woman who practically raised me. She taught me to love Jesus and she is responsible for my ability to sing today. I think about how she used to play with my hair as I fell asleep when I was little. She would take her fingers and move my hair gently behind my ears while she silently sung gospel hymns to ease me into my slumber. She was amazing. I often wonder what she would think of me if she was still alive today. I wonder if she would be amazed by my talent. I wonder if she and I would still be as close as we were when we were little. I don't think that I have ever gotten over her death. But...her memory is one of the most precious things. I wonder if she knows what an impact she has made on my life. Truly. I wonder if she knows that I still think of her and still cherish everything we ever built or created.
I don't know. I guess I am just soul searching. Rambling. Feeling anxious. Nervous. Sad. Happy. Confused. Longing. But...the good news is...everything is going to be okay. That much I do know. I know that this must be kind of redundant...but I don't care. Tonight...I just sat down at the computer and typed out everything that was on my mind. Now...it is cleared and I feel as if I can go to bed. Well maybe not...but...I will go read. That will make me feel good.
Five things I appreciate:
1. A good work out with Al.
2. Watching Notting Hill tonight.
3. The best two hour nap that I have ever taken (my guilty pleasure).
4. A good VOP practice.
5. A nice clean room...I made it a little bit more homier tonight. It looks so cozy and I love it.
But...I am off to read...don't cry...I am long winded...I am sure more will come to me.