actually.
i would rather remember the simple things in life like the exchanging of peace signs with a boy who had anti-war and grateful dead stickers on the back of his car and feeling that connection as real because when you have a good encounter with someone and you feel those butterflies for the first time in a long time, i think it's because you feel like they have a good heart because of what they stand for or what they are in to but when you actually get to know someone they will let you down.
i'm learning that you cannot have expectations for anyone, not even the people you call your best friends or the people who swear to you they are different or better or have better intentions than anyone else. no one is perfect, no one is honest, and no one really feels guilty enough to not lie right to your face. the only person who has your back and who will always have your back is yourself. i'm just now finding this out and because of it i have to finally learn to have respect for myself and to appreciate my mind and body and treat it like it matters, because it's the only thing that does. love your friends, love your family, and appreciate them but don't count on them and don't expect anything from them. don't back down to someone else because they disagree with what you stand for, don't let anyone rush you into anything that you aren't ready for, and don't trust anyone with your secrets or even your thoughts because half the time people are just waiting for their turn to speak.
i'm planning on way more sober days because i deserve it. i'm going to quit smoking, quit wasting my time on people who don't care about me, quit being so messy and unorganized, quit being late for everything. i'm going to read in the park, watch movies in my bed all day long, get soaking wet in the rain, listen to morrissey and the cure and burn nag champa, shop for cds and rent movies constantly, and expand my horizon and i'm going to do it all alone because i've realized that i will never have another healthy relationship again.
every single boy that i let in ends up pushing me away and i am left in the dark. every single time i say i will never waste my time like this again, but i always reluctantly go back on my words. well this is the last time. your gender is bred to be assholes and maybe i'm biased but from my experience all boys are is a waste of time and feelings. i told myself not to like you and everyone else told me otherwise so i listened, because i thought what you said was true and it really made me feel good but now it's the complete opposite. it's insane how quick someone will go back on their words but even more insane how people can lie so well. i'm not angry, just hurt and it's not because you were so special or unique or anything like it but because i let my guard down when i shouldn't have. i guess life is like that though, you do things and don't realize how stupid they are until after it's already done. i don't even know what i'm getting at, except that i completely and totally give up and i know right now it's for the best.
i'm learning that you cannot have expectations for anyone, not even the people you call your best friends or the people who swear to you they are different or better or have better intentions than anyone else. no one is perfect, no one is honest, and no one really feels guilty enough to not lie right to your face. the only person who has your back and who will always have your back is yourself. i'm just now finding this out and because of it i have to finally learn to have respect for myself and to appreciate my mind and body and treat it like it matters, because it's the only thing that does. love your friends, love your family, and appreciate them but don't count on them and don't expect anything from them. don't back down to someone else because they disagree with what you stand for, don't let anyone rush you into anything that you aren't ready for, and don't trust anyone with your secrets or even your thoughts because half the time people are just waiting for their turn to speak.
i'm planning on way more sober days because i deserve it. i'm going to quit smoking, quit wasting my time on people who don't care about me, quit being so messy and unorganized, quit being late for everything. i'm going to read in the park, watch movies in my bed all day long, get soaking wet in the rain, listen to morrissey and the cure and burn nag champa, shop for cds and rent movies constantly, and expand my horizon and i'm going to do it all alone because i've realized that i will never have another healthy relationship again.
every single boy that i let in ends up pushing me away and i am left in the dark. every single time i say i will never waste my time like this again, but i always reluctantly go back on my words. well this is the last time. your gender is bred to be assholes and maybe i'm biased but from my experience all boys are is a waste of time and feelings. i told myself not to like you and everyone else told me otherwise so i listened, because i thought what you said was true and it really made me feel good but now it's the complete opposite. it's insane how quick someone will go back on their words but even more insane how people can lie so well. i'm not angry, just hurt and it's not because you were so special or unique or anything like it but because i let my guard down when i shouldn't have. i guess life is like that though, you do things and don't realize how stupid they are until after it's already done. i don't even know what i'm getting at, except that i completely and totally give up and i know right now it's for the best.