bored on a saturday night....
so...yet another bland weekend where i didnt get to sleep in this morning and nothing great happened tonight. if my social life wasnt dead before, it has been massacred this weekend. i blame part of it on ms. adams for calling my parents yesterday and wanting to talk about the test that i got caught cheating on back on tuesday. now she could have called on tuesday but she wouldnt do that, its way too easy and painless for everyone. she had to call on a friday in order to f**k my entire weekend, so this finger is for you ms. adams!(can you guess which one?) so anyway, lately there's been so much feeling inside me...a lot of mixed emotions which friggin sucks! i love the way sarah mclachlin put it...we are screaming inside but we cant be heard...ugh! i hate that feeling, but for some reason i've been like that a lot in the past few weeks. and i cant really say what i am feeling exactly, much less why i'm feeling the way i am. this only adds to the orgy of emotion and then it all boils over into anger and frustration because i cant convey to anyone why i'm such a wreck. its not really a matter of who the person is, it really is just me and either not wanting to or just not being ready to let the insanity loose. i guess this is because if i talk about it, then i'm acknowledging that its really there and i really am vulnerable. and to add to my psychosis that i call life, i like to think about my so-called future and where i'm going. or not going. before i started at hanks, there was nothing that i wanted to do more than be a famous teen idol type singer. then it went to just being a famous singer. now, i realize that i dont have that "star quality" and i'm just fooling myself. i mean i know that i want to sing, i just guess that the whole dream is gone. so i'm finally waking up like omar said to. i'm finally seeing that wall that i'm eventually going to hit in life and go no where. and just when you thought the nut-job was through complaining bout his life, it gets better. the old non-existent love life of mine just bitterly slapped me in the face again and made apparent that i'm going to die alone. and believe you me, i could go on for days about why this is my ugly fate but to save my reputation and you from suicide due to my depression attaching on to you, i wont even begin to speak of it. but thats not all. no, of course not! this whole blog thing is gonna save me plenty of money and hours on the couch later on in life, i just know it. the fact that there's only less than 80 days til graduation really opens my eyes to make visible the truth that i'm not going to have any friends at school next year. and then it continues to show that i dont know if i'll have any friends at all really. tonight kinda added to this conclusion of mine. i mean i'll have the kind of friends you see occasionally and at parties and what not, but not really the best friends type that you get random dinner with or chill at someone's house with or have a boy's night out on the town with. i guess i have only myself to blame for this because i didnt keep close enough contact with my old friends, and i didnt really get close enough to people my own age at school. so if you're wondering if i'm done yet...let me put it this way, people say that they feel a weight lifted after they talk about things...i'm still buried. now to those of you who actually read this...thanks for ur time. i know that this is quite a bit to stomach all at once and i'm sorry for just dumping all this at once. so i understand if you dont have anything to say, i dont really expect anyone to have a lot to say either way.