The Ventilation is good in here...
After re-reading this I realize it is a bunch of pessimistic stuff. Then again, I suppose if you are going to read it anyway, you don't really care if even the brightest smiler does frown once and a while. Here's hoping I can cover this frown with a big wide smile when I return to work tomorrow afternoon.
So, my first week back to Weight Watchers (R) was spent contemplating the events of the first meeting. During the first meeting, Lori, my all time favorite leader, brought up two of the "tools for living" provided by Weight Watchers (R): Positive Self-talk and Empowering Thoughts. Telling yourself positive things outloud over and over again will usually amount to positive reactions. And picturing something that will help you achieve your goal will only make you more motivated. So, I have been trying to take these Tools for Living and apply them to real life.
"I don't need a girl in my life right now. I am happy where I am, alone, and strong. Saving money is better then spending it on some girl, who will more then likely leave you hanging in the end, and inevitably rip out your heart... Just like the rest of them."
Picturing myself happy, as a single guy, mingling in the teaching world. Other teachers introducing their husbands, and wives... but I'll always be the young one. No other teacher has the freedom in life like I have, because I am not tied down... and that's most important in life. No strings.
You're right, I'm not convinced either.
There is a girl that I can't seem to get out of my head. The thought of her is intoxicating, and every time I see her my heart skips a beat. To hug her is to not feel alone, but I cannot do anything about it. I know her feelings and I cannot allow myself to give into my emotions, because I do not what to know that sickeningly cold feeling of rejection ever again. Better to be alone, isn't it? ... Even though I keep telling myself it IS better to be alone then rejected, I still have my doubts. Does she feel the way I am almost positive she does feel? Its the "Almost" positive that gets me... What if I'm wrong? What if I do have a chance to be happy again, and have someone to hold, and kiss, and watch movies with when there is nothing else to do. What if I do nothing, and that chance slips past... will I regret it? Or will I be happier that I didn't risk my heart all over again to some girl?
Seeing her online makes me smile wide, even if 90% of the time I don't talk to her... She still makes me smile like none other, just knowing that she is nearby... or even when she is far. She is the type of girl that I would type a 15 page essay about, like I am doing now. Because, she is so sweet... More importantly, she is mature in ways a lot of other girls are not right now. And its the maturity that draws me in. I would usually have 405,291.94 "crushes" while I am single, but lately, its like my brain has beaten my heart, and what I want and what I find appealing clash; the sex, the physical, groping, teasing, ect... don't seem to matter so long as I get to hold her, or kiss her... all those immature thoughts have left my mind, and now when a girl acts a certain way (Immaturely), even if I am extremely physically attracted to her, I become incredibly turned-off by her. Where as, if I am mildly attracted this maturity draws me even closer to the girl. Unfortunately for me, I am attracted to the girl who embodies this maturity, making it even harder to put her out of my head.
Wouldn't I rather be single? Wouldn't I be happier not having to worry about the heart-ache, or the jealousy, or the pain of seperation? It wouldn't work. I know it. The relationship would be shot to hell when distance sets in, I whole-hearted-ly believe that the bonds of love cannot be broken by distance, only stretched, but - I can't handle it. I am too greedy a Cancer to "half-love". I need the hugging and the constant talking, even if it is the stupidest, most pointless conversation ever. I still love it, and it still makes me feel like I am whole.
Superman doesn't need Lois Lane... She tore his heart out, right? *sigh*
Who am I kidding? Even Colossus has Kitty Pride.
Maybe I am destined to find "my girl" once I have lost my weight. When all of the shallow girls come out, attracted to the outside without even getting to know the inside... maybe that's when my fairy-tale ending will come, when she will make me see past the shallow women and see back to what I originally wanted out of life. Love.
"Its like oxygen..."
I leave you tonight, with a heavy heart... feeling as if I carry all the weight of sacrifice and leave no time for myself, on this summer where I find myself as my own best company... Ironic isn't it... I feel so alone, even when I know *I* am here for me. I know there are many of you who will rebuttal this feeling of lonesomeness with "we have hung out a bunch of times already this summer!" or "I invite you to come out all the time!" You know who you are, and I appreciate your compassion, but... its not that kind of company I talk about. Thank you.
Thanks for taking the time to read. May God bless you and keep you. May He make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He look upon you with favor and bring you peace. Amen.
Sleep tight, kind-lings.
With all the Love I possess,
Jason.
So, my first week back to Weight Watchers (R) was spent contemplating the events of the first meeting. During the first meeting, Lori, my all time favorite leader, brought up two of the "tools for living" provided by Weight Watchers (R): Positive Self-talk and Empowering Thoughts. Telling yourself positive things outloud over and over again will usually amount to positive reactions. And picturing something that will help you achieve your goal will only make you more motivated. So, I have been trying to take these Tools for Living and apply them to real life.
"I don't need a girl in my life right now. I am happy where I am, alone, and strong. Saving money is better then spending it on some girl, who will more then likely leave you hanging in the end, and inevitably rip out your heart... Just like the rest of them."
Picturing myself happy, as a single guy, mingling in the teaching world. Other teachers introducing their husbands, and wives... but I'll always be the young one. No other teacher has the freedom in life like I have, because I am not tied down... and that's most important in life. No strings.
You're right, I'm not convinced either.
There is a girl that I can't seem to get out of my head. The thought of her is intoxicating, and every time I see her my heart skips a beat. To hug her is to not feel alone, but I cannot do anything about it. I know her feelings and I cannot allow myself to give into my emotions, because I do not what to know that sickeningly cold feeling of rejection ever again. Better to be alone, isn't it? ... Even though I keep telling myself it IS better to be alone then rejected, I still have my doubts. Does she feel the way I am almost positive she does feel? Its the "Almost" positive that gets me... What if I'm wrong? What if I do have a chance to be happy again, and have someone to hold, and kiss, and watch movies with when there is nothing else to do. What if I do nothing, and that chance slips past... will I regret it? Or will I be happier that I didn't risk my heart all over again to some girl?
Seeing her online makes me smile wide, even if 90% of the time I don't talk to her... She still makes me smile like none other, just knowing that she is nearby... or even when she is far. She is the type of girl that I would type a 15 page essay about, like I am doing now. Because, she is so sweet... More importantly, she is mature in ways a lot of other girls are not right now. And its the maturity that draws me in. I would usually have 405,291.94 "crushes" while I am single, but lately, its like my brain has beaten my heart, and what I want and what I find appealing clash; the sex, the physical, groping, teasing, ect... don't seem to matter so long as I get to hold her, or kiss her... all those immature thoughts have left my mind, and now when a girl acts a certain way (Immaturely), even if I am extremely physically attracted to her, I become incredibly turned-off by her. Where as, if I am mildly attracted this maturity draws me even closer to the girl. Unfortunately for me, I am attracted to the girl who embodies this maturity, making it even harder to put her out of my head.
Wouldn't I rather be single? Wouldn't I be happier not having to worry about the heart-ache, or the jealousy, or the pain of seperation? It wouldn't work. I know it. The relationship would be shot to hell when distance sets in, I whole-hearted-ly believe that the bonds of love cannot be broken by distance, only stretched, but - I can't handle it. I am too greedy a Cancer to "half-love". I need the hugging and the constant talking, even if it is the stupidest, most pointless conversation ever. I still love it, and it still makes me feel like I am whole.
Superman doesn't need Lois Lane... She tore his heart out, right? *sigh*
Who am I kidding? Even Colossus has Kitty Pride.
Maybe I am destined to find "my girl" once I have lost my weight. When all of the shallow girls come out, attracted to the outside without even getting to know the inside... maybe that's when my fairy-tale ending will come, when she will make me see past the shallow women and see back to what I originally wanted out of life. Love.
"Its like oxygen..."
I leave you tonight, with a heavy heart... feeling as if I carry all the weight of sacrifice and leave no time for myself, on this summer where I find myself as my own best company... Ironic isn't it... I feel so alone, even when I know *I* am here for me. I know there are many of you who will rebuttal this feeling of lonesomeness with "we have hung out a bunch of times already this summer!" or "I invite you to come out all the time!" You know who you are, and I appreciate your compassion, but... its not that kind of company I talk about. Thank you.
Thanks for taking the time to read. May God bless you and keep you. May He make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He look upon you with favor and bring you peace. Amen.
Sleep tight, kind-lings.
With all the Love I possess,
Jason.