Wait...There Are Empirical Ways To Measure This?
I'm trying to avoid the obvious jokes, so if you see me missing a lot of cheap shots, just write it off as, "Too easy."
Our neighbors to the north, Canada, have a sort of version of the FCC there, the Canadian Radio-television & Telecommunications Commission. They handle the licenses for who broadcasts what across the country there.
Channel Zero is a company that owns a smattering of channels. Among them are AOV Adult Movie Channel, XXX Action Clips, and Maleflixxx. Those of you who can't guess what they show, ask your parents. These three channels are up for license renewal, and Channel Zero contacted the regulators about it.
Channel Zero got a reprimand instead.
It seems the CRTC requires networks to feature at least 35% Canadian content. Channel Zero is not in compliance.
In other words, their Canadian smut isn't Canadian enough.
Oh, they also got a reprimand for failing to close-caption their porn properly. Yeah, because the dialog is always the best part of porn and you want the audience to understand the characters' motivations.
Let's do some math. The 35% threshold means that, for a 24 hour broadcast day, roughly 8.5 hours have to be Canadian content. Channel Zero's channels are missing the threshold by mere minutes.
Who gets that job? And how did they determine the job in the first place? "Your job is to keep track of these porn channels and make sure they show a certain percentage of something." "I just got another call from Bob in Compliance. He needs another cigarette and a moist towelette." I mean, someone HAS to be watching it, if they can say Channel Zero is just minutes away from being in compliance.
Jennifer Chen is the vice-president of Channel Zero, and wrote to regulators that this was a clerical error on Channel Zero's part. "The non-compliance is a result of an error, on our part. The programming strategy has been adjusted accordingly in light of this information." (A blogger wrote, "What are they doing, adding snowmobiles?")
Chen's letter, however, doesn't mean much. The regulator has set a hearing on April 28 to review the "instances of apparent non-compliance." So if you're in Gatineau, Quebec on that day...you know what? It's a bureaucratic hearing. Only go there if your Ambien stops working.
This has been your latest lesson in "How The Government Ruins Anything Fun."