fic: a full life (decim/onna, nc17)
Title: A Full Life
Author: sinemoras09
Characters: Chiyuki/Decim
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 2858
Summary: Decim becomes human. Post-series. AU. Decim/Chiyuki. Spoilers for episode 12.
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1.
She wakes. Slowly her eyes crack open and her vision comes into focus; someone is crying, clasping her hand.
"Chiyuki. Chiyuki."
"Okaasan," Chiyuki says, and she sits up suddenly, her eyes snapping open. She's in a hospital room. There are bandages around her wrist.
"What happened?" Chiyuki says. She sits forward, the bedsheets falling around her waist and rustling with her movement. "Where am I?"
"You tried to kill yourself," her father says, and Chiyuki suddenly remembers: the feel of the razor, a gush of warm blood and the pain of the blade slipping into her skin. "If not for your friend, you wouldn't have survived."
"Friend?" Chiyuki says, and at this her father nods, knowingly.
"Your friend Decim," her father says, and Chiyuki's eyes widen.
"He had gone to find you at the house."
*****
It's not until her parents leave that Decim steps out from the shadows, quietly kneeling beside her bed in the hospital room.
"Forgive me," Decim says, and the first thing Chiyuki notices are his eyes: human eyes, Chiyuki realizes. Without the markings of an arbiter, a quiet shade of pale blue.
"It wasn't a dream," Chiyuki says. There is a small ache at her wrist, which she covers, reflexively. "I thought I was dead! How is this possible, I was there for months."
"Time for us flows differently than for you humans," Decim says. He pulls up a chair, sitting beside her. "Seven thousand souls die each hour of every day, and we arbiters must pass judgment the moment these souls pass. It would be nigh impossible to do this at the speed you feel time."
"But why?" Chiyuki says. "I thought...I thought I was going to be reincarnated! I thought my life was over for me. I thought...."
"You were given a second chance," Decim says. Chiyuki hesitates.
"...And you?"
"I was judged unfit to continue as an arbiter."
His words are like a knife in her chest. "Because of me?" Chiyuki says.
"Because I have obtained human emotions," Decim says. He looks up at the ceiling, thoughtfully.
"I was to be disposed of in the void, as is what's done when an arbiter can no longer do his task. But Nona-san pulled some strings," Decim says, and Chiyuki can see his mouth quirk a little at the pun. "She convinced Oculus to bring me here."
"So you're human?" Chiyuki says.
"No," Decim says, and he hesitates.
"I am still a doll."
It takes a moment for Chiyuki to process it. The sun is setting, and slants of orange light filters through the window.
"If you're still a doll, what happens when you die?" Chiyuki asks, quietly. "Will you be judged?"
"No," Decim says. And then,
"I will go to the void, as intended."
"You can't!" Chiyuki says, and outside her hospital room, the nurses turn toward her. Chiyuki lowers her voice. "That isn't fair. They can't do this to you."
"It has already been decided," Decim says. He covers her fist with his hand.
"I will be allowed to live a human life. I believe that is more than fair."
*****
2.
Even though Decim should have no birth certificate, no source of income, and no real proof of identification, he's somehow showing Chiyuki his apartment, kneeling in front of a safe and showing her all sorts of forms of valid ID.
"How did you get a birth certificate?" Chiyuki says. She turns the paper over in her hands. "And how do you have an apartment?"
"Nona-san secured it for me." Decim closes the safe quietly, before he stands. "She has also secured me a position at a nearby bar. For bartending," Decim says, as if that needed any explanation. Chiyuki covers her mouth and laughs.
She goes back to her house, where her mother is preparing dinner.
"Chiyuki. Why haven't we heard anything of this Quin?" her mother says. "He seems like a nice man. I'm surprised we've never heard about him."
Chiyuki glances back from the sink. Her mother smiles.
"He was very worried about you, your friend," her mother says. "He said you were supposed to meet him at work, and when you didn't show up he came to the house. Thank goodness he did! Another minute and you would have been..."
Her mother's face crumbles.
"Okaasan," Chiyuki says. But her mother shakes her head, smiling. Because it was a suicide attempt, Chiyuki had to go to an inpatient psychiatry ward before being discharged home. Ordinarily she would be humiliated at the prospect, the shame and self-loathing tightening at her throat. But she felt no sorrow then, not when the sun shined brightly through cheerful windows, or how the nurses smiled, or how the doctors really cared.
"I'm proud of you, Chi-chan," her mother says. And then,
"Just promise me you won't do it again!"
"I won't," Chiyuki says, and her mother wraps her arms around her, holding her safe and warm.
*****
They invite Decim over for dinner. Chiyuki sits, growing more and more embarrassed, as her mother dishes bowl after bowl of rice and her father makes not-so subtle suggestions that the two of them are an item.
"So why aren't you two together?" her father says.
"Tousan," Chiyuki says, horrified. But Decim is thankfully oblivious to her parents' assault.
"The prospect would be most pleasing," Decim says, and Chiyuki snaps her head back to him, eyes wide, "But I have not thought to ask her."
"Oh?" her father says. Chiyuki bangs her head on the table.
"Decim isn't like that," Chiyuki says. "Decim is just a friend..."
"Chiyuki, don't insult the man, he's sitting right here," her father says.
"Decim, my dad is just teasing you. Don't take him seriously," Chiyuki says. Decim bows, politely.
"Forgive me my misunderstanding," Decim says, and Chiyuki just wants to fall to the floor.
They go for a walk. The night is warm and the streetlamps cast yellow halos on the sidewalk. Chiyuki walks with her hands in her pockets while Decim walks beside her, and for a long while the two of them don't say anything.
It is an awkward silence. It's the first time since her hospitalization that they've spent any real time together, and Chiyuki doesn't know what to do with herself. She fidgets with the sleeves of her coat, then glances around at the people jogging or at the sound of a bicycle riding past them. Meanwhile, Decim doesn't seem to notice her discomfort. He walks, just like he always does, hands barely moving stiffly at his side.
"Sorry about my parents," Chiyuki says. "They're just a little bit excited, you know?"
"I thoroughly enjoy conversing with humans," Decim says. "Please do not apologize."
"Thanks," Chiyuki says. Chiyuki tucks a strand of hair back behind her ear, staring at the ground.
Why was she embarrassed? It's not as if they weren't friends. Not to mention he had her memories, he already knew everything about her.
"Chiyuki-san?"
Chiyuki startles. "Yes?"
Decim stops, then stands in front of her. He's stood in front of her before, but it's the first time she notices just how much taller he is than her. She barely comes up to the middle of his chest, and somehow this knowledge makes her feel self-conscious.
"I am making you uneasy," Decim says, and she can hear it, something like hurt and confusion in his voice. "Why?
Is it because I am not human?" Decim says.
Chiyuki's throat is dry. He steps closer to her.
"I have always admired those who live a full life," Decim says. He lowers his head, a shadow falling over his eyes. "I would be happy to see how you live yours. However, I do not wish for you to feel responsible for me."
"What do you mean?" Chiyuki says, and Decim straightens, slightly.
"I will leave," Decim says, simply. "You needn't worry yourself with the likes of me."
"What?" Chiyuki says. "No! Decim, no one said you had to go--"
"You are unhappy with me," Decim says. Chiyuki shakes her head.
"No," she says, and she clasps his hands.
"I'm embarrassed," Chiyuki says, finally.
"Why?" Decim says.
"Because," Chiyuki says, and she has to force herself to continue: "Because you're here and you came back with me. And I'm happy we can be together."
"As am I," Decim says. "Then why are you embarrassed?"
Because his hands are warm, her mind chants. Because when they last hugged she felt so safe folded in his arms.
"Decim," Chiyuki says, carefully. "Do you know what it means, when a person says they want to be together?"
Decim considers, thoughtfully. "'Together' has many connotations," Decim says. "For instance, you could say many people ride the train together. As for us, we judged souls together," Decim says, and she feels his thumb absently stroking the skin at the center of her palm.
"It's a colloquialism," Chiyuki says, and somehow they're standing closer, she has to fight the urge to lean against him. She tilts her head upwards, looking up at him while they speak. "When a person says they want to be together with someone, they want to go on dates with them. If those dates work out, they become a couple. And that's what it means when you say 'they're together.'"
"I understand," Decim says. "I would like for us to be together."
"Decim, I don't think you understand--"
"'Together' is together," Decim says. "I believe I do know the meaning of that word."
He doesn't get it, Chiyuki thinks, and sighs inwardly. "Decim--"
"If you're referring to its sexual connotations, I had assumed we would take things slowly," Decim says, and Chiyuki's eyes pop out of her head.
"Huh?!"
Decim blinks. It's the first time he looks really unsure. "Forgive me," Decim says, and a blush cracks across his face. "It was wrong of me to assume--"
But Chiyuki pushes up on her tip-toes and kisses him. He stumbles a little, and she smiles, fondly. They walk back to his apartment, hand in hand.
*****
They kiss in his apartment. Decim is no longer uncertain this time, and Chiyuki's gut bottoms out at the feel of him kissing her, hand cupping the side of his face and the tip of his tongue gently touching hers.
"Have you done this before?" Chiyuki asks. They're speaking in whispers. Decim shakes his head.
"No," Decim says. Slowly Chiyuki comes close to him and begins unbuttoning his shirt.
He's standing completely still as she undresses him, his eyes closed and his lips parted softly. She leans into his neck and slides off the rest of his shirt, circling his waist with her arms. "Can I ask you a question?" Chiyuki asks. She sees the bump of his adam's apple swallow.
"What is it you want to know?"
"When you took me to the basement," Chiyuki says, and she begins walking him backward toward the edge of the bed. "I was wearing my old clothes. Did you undress me?"
Her lips brush against the strap muscle of his neck as they sit on the bed. Another swallow. "...Yes."
She drops a soft kiss against his mouth. "Did you look?" she asks. Decim's eyes slowly open.
"I do not understand," Decim says.
"I'm asking," Chiyuki says, and she begins undoing the buttons of his pants, "If you looked at me when you changed my clothes."
"I tried not to," Decim says, softly. His eyes close again as she kisses his throat.
She pulls off her shirt. Unclasps her bra and tosses it to the side of the bed. Carefully she guides his hand up to her left breast. "My nipples are sensitive," she whispers. "It feels good if you touch them there."
Decim hesitates a moment, then bends forward, gently cupping one soft breast and taking her nipple in his mouth. Chiyuki groans, then murmurs, "Wait a minute," moving to pull off her pants and underwear.
"Chiyuki...san." There is uncertainty in his voice as she pulls down his pants, exposing his length. "We do not have to do this."
"Do you want to stop?" Chiyuki asks.
"I--" Decim swallows. "I am nervous."
"Why?" she says.
"I do not want to hurt you."
Their foreheads touch. She cups his face in her hands. "Why do you think you'll hurt me?" she asks, quietly. He looks up at her with bright blue eyes.
"Because you cried the last time you did something like this," Decim says.
Chiyuki remembers. There was a boy who pressured her at University. She slept with him before she was ready, and when he stopped calling her, she cried herself to sleep for days.
"You have my memory of that?" Chiyuki says. Decim nods.
"I have all your memories," Decim says. He's searching her with his eyes.
Chiyuki smiles, then fondly cups him on the cheek. "This isn't the same," Chiyuki says.
They lie back on the bed. She straddles him on top, carefully taking his length and lowering herself on him. The room is dark and they speak in half-whispers, the room quiet except for the sounds of their breathing and the slick, wet sounds of her moving on top of him. Decim closes his eyes and lets out a shuddery breath, and Chiyuki rewards him with a small kiss against his jaw.
"Is your knee okay?" Decim asks, softly. His voice is breathier than normal. "Chiyuki-san?"
"I'm fine," she says. Her hair brushes against his chest like a curtain.
"Let me be on top," Decim says, softly. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."
Chiyuki sighs and moves off of him, waiting as he repositions himself.
He slips into her with one smooth thrust, then begins to move inside her.
It feels good. Chiyuki strains against him, because she's close, and she only opens her eyes when he asks, softly, "Do you want me to go down on you?"
The words are jarring coming from him, the same soft, sonorous voice, the same pleasant monotone, as if he were asking if she wanted a drink at the bar.
"What?" Chiyuki says. He's still moving, kissing the side of her face.
"I know it's difficult for you to climax like this." His voice is soft.
"How did you know?"
"I know from your memories of doing things like this."
"Okay," Chiyuki whispers, and their eyes meet. He pushes himself up on his arms and lowers himself between her legs.
She gasps. He's licking her in the exact way she needs for it to feel good, laving her clit with soft, slow strokes.
How is this Decim? she wonders. The Decim she knows is as sexless and sterile as any mannequin at the bar. But here he is now, breathing heavy with his mouth to her sex, and as she peaks into orgasm all she can think of is that she's alive, and he's alive with her.
*******
3.
"I am uncertain about this," Decim says, as Chiyuki pulls him onto the skating rink. Little kids speed by him in fast colored blurs, and Decim wobbles, catching himself with a death grip on her arm.
She leaves him by the wall, then skates ahead of him, turning with one graceful loop and stretching out her arms. "C'mon," Chiyuki says. "Keep your head steady and focus on me.
And move slowly. You don't want to go too fast."
"Chiyuki-san, I must protest," Decim says, and there is a touch of panic in his voice as another kid whizzes past him. He slips and catches himself again, clinging to the wall. "I do not think this is safe."
"Everyone falls the first time," Chiyuki says, and Decim starts forward hesitantly. "You have my memories, right?"
"They do not translate to physical ability," Decim says.
"Could have fooled me last night."
"I-" Decim turns several shades of red, before inching forward.
*****
She teaches at the skating rink. After work, Decim will meet her there, dressed in a dark coat and scarf, and Chiyuki will smile and wave to her students, waving as she meets him.
As it turns out, Decim is the perfect boyfriend: they do everything she likes to do; they make love exactly the way she likes making love. He prepares her favorite foods and takes her to all her favorite places, and Decim is so uncomplaining and patient that it takes a few months before Chiyuki realizes just how one-sided their relationship has become. "We should do something you like to do," Chiyuki says.
Decim blinks. "I do not understand," Decim says.
"Well...we always do what I want. But what about you?" Chiyuki says. "Is there any place you want to go, or anything you want to do?"
"I am happy being with you," Decim says, and Chiyuki rests her head against his shoulder.
"I just...I don't want you to think we can't do something you'd enjoy. You know? I want to make you happy," Chiyuki says. "Can you think of anything I can do for you?"
Decim seems to think a moment. "I heard there are wax museums," Decim says.
"Oh, okay! Yeah, we can visit one of those," Chiyuki says.
"I also enjoy looking at the mannequins at the department store," Decim says.
"O-oh."
"Perhaps I will take up puppetry again," Decim says, and Chiyuki starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" Decim says, but Chiyuki shakes her head, giggling into her hand.
*****
"What's it like, having my memories?" Chiyuki says.
"How do you mean?" Decim says. They are spending time at his place; he hugs her on the couch, tucking her body against the length of his chest and holding her sideways. She glances up behind her shoulder, looking at him.
"I mean," Chiyuki starts. "Do you remember them as if they happened to you?" Decim shakes his head.
"Do you remember your fifth birthday party?" he asks.
"Yes," Chiyuki says. Decim pauses, reflecting.
"You and your parents share that same memory," Decim says. "All three of you will remember the color of the cake, what songs were sung. How you spent the rest of that day. I remember this too, as if I were with you."
"Really?" Chiyuki says, and she has a ridiculous image of baby Decim sharing a birthday cake with her.
"What a minute," Chiyuki says, suddenly. "So when you remember me and my other boyfriends--"
"It is as if I were with you, yes," Decim says.
She gets an image of Decim standing in the shadows, watching silently as she makes out with a parade of useless boys, as he did when he used to judge them.
"I'm not sure I like to think about that," Chiyuki says, frowning. Decim makes a soft amused sound, then smiles at her with his eyes.
****
He is still a doll.
Some nights, Chiyuki is awake with the sudden realization that Decim will not live another life; that there is no chance of reincarnation, that after this, they will no longer be together. "Do not be sad for me," Decim says. "One full life, and I will die happily. Remember this," Decim says, and he cradles her close, kissing her eyes.
*****
4.
The baby is crying. Chiyuki is coming apart at the seams, but Decim is as placid and stoic as ever, rocking the baby and holding her to his chest.
"I just want to sleep!" Chiyuki wails, because she's tearful and tired and only a few weeks postpartum, and she sobs uncontrollably as Decim ushers her into the bedroom. "I'm a horrible mommy! Why can't I be there for her?"
"You are tired," Decim says. He holds the baby with one arm as he guides Chiyuki into the bed. "You need to sleep."
"You don't need to sleep," Chiyuki says.
"I am not human," Decim says. He pulls the covers up to Chiyuki's chin.
Neither one of them thought Chiyuki would get pregnant. But their child is there now, quieting down as Decim holds her, and Chiyuki is amazed at how much she looks like him. The same blue eyes, the same long face and pale skin. It is nothing short of a miracle that a doll can father a human child, but here she is.
He is closer than ever to being human.
Decim is asleep. The baby is sleeping in the bassinet, hands curled into tiny fists held above her head. Carefully, Chiyuki drapes a blanket over Decim's shoulder, then quietly leans beside him.
She knows he will live his life to the fullest. And he will not give heed to what comes after.
Author: sinemoras09
Characters: Chiyuki/Decim
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 2858
Summary: Decim becomes human. Post-series. AU. Decim/Chiyuki. Spoilers for episode 12.
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1.
She wakes. Slowly her eyes crack open and her vision comes into focus; someone is crying, clasping her hand.
"Chiyuki. Chiyuki."
"Okaasan," Chiyuki says, and she sits up suddenly, her eyes snapping open. She's in a hospital room. There are bandages around her wrist.
"What happened?" Chiyuki says. She sits forward, the bedsheets falling around her waist and rustling with her movement. "Where am I?"
"You tried to kill yourself," her father says, and Chiyuki suddenly remembers: the feel of the razor, a gush of warm blood and the pain of the blade slipping into her skin. "If not for your friend, you wouldn't have survived."
"Friend?" Chiyuki says, and at this her father nods, knowingly.
"Your friend Decim," her father says, and Chiyuki's eyes widen.
"He had gone to find you at the house."
*****
It's not until her parents leave that Decim steps out from the shadows, quietly kneeling beside her bed in the hospital room.
"Forgive me," Decim says, and the first thing Chiyuki notices are his eyes: human eyes, Chiyuki realizes. Without the markings of an arbiter, a quiet shade of pale blue.
"It wasn't a dream," Chiyuki says. There is a small ache at her wrist, which she covers, reflexively. "I thought I was dead! How is this possible, I was there for months."
"Time for us flows differently than for you humans," Decim says. He pulls up a chair, sitting beside her. "Seven thousand souls die each hour of every day, and we arbiters must pass judgment the moment these souls pass. It would be nigh impossible to do this at the speed you feel time."
"But why?" Chiyuki says. "I thought...I thought I was going to be reincarnated! I thought my life was over for me. I thought...."
"You were given a second chance," Decim says. Chiyuki hesitates.
"...And you?"
"I was judged unfit to continue as an arbiter."
His words are like a knife in her chest. "Because of me?" Chiyuki says.
"Because I have obtained human emotions," Decim says. He looks up at the ceiling, thoughtfully.
"I was to be disposed of in the void, as is what's done when an arbiter can no longer do his task. But Nona-san pulled some strings," Decim says, and Chiyuki can see his mouth quirk a little at the pun. "She convinced Oculus to bring me here."
"So you're human?" Chiyuki says.
"No," Decim says, and he hesitates.
"I am still a doll."
It takes a moment for Chiyuki to process it. The sun is setting, and slants of orange light filters through the window.
"If you're still a doll, what happens when you die?" Chiyuki asks, quietly. "Will you be judged?"
"No," Decim says. And then,
"I will go to the void, as intended."
"You can't!" Chiyuki says, and outside her hospital room, the nurses turn toward her. Chiyuki lowers her voice. "That isn't fair. They can't do this to you."
"It has already been decided," Decim says. He covers her fist with his hand.
"I will be allowed to live a human life. I believe that is more than fair."
*****
2.
Even though Decim should have no birth certificate, no source of income, and no real proof of identification, he's somehow showing Chiyuki his apartment, kneeling in front of a safe and showing her all sorts of forms of valid ID.
"How did you get a birth certificate?" Chiyuki says. She turns the paper over in her hands. "And how do you have an apartment?"
"Nona-san secured it for me." Decim closes the safe quietly, before he stands. "She has also secured me a position at a nearby bar. For bartending," Decim says, as if that needed any explanation. Chiyuki covers her mouth and laughs.
She goes back to her house, where her mother is preparing dinner.
"Chiyuki. Why haven't we heard anything of this Quin?" her mother says. "He seems like a nice man. I'm surprised we've never heard about him."
Chiyuki glances back from the sink. Her mother smiles.
"He was very worried about you, your friend," her mother says. "He said you were supposed to meet him at work, and when you didn't show up he came to the house. Thank goodness he did! Another minute and you would have been..."
Her mother's face crumbles.
"Okaasan," Chiyuki says. But her mother shakes her head, smiling. Because it was a suicide attempt, Chiyuki had to go to an inpatient psychiatry ward before being discharged home. Ordinarily she would be humiliated at the prospect, the shame and self-loathing tightening at her throat. But she felt no sorrow then, not when the sun shined brightly through cheerful windows, or how the nurses smiled, or how the doctors really cared.
"I'm proud of you, Chi-chan," her mother says. And then,
"Just promise me you won't do it again!"
"I won't," Chiyuki says, and her mother wraps her arms around her, holding her safe and warm.
*****
They invite Decim over for dinner. Chiyuki sits, growing more and more embarrassed, as her mother dishes bowl after bowl of rice and her father makes not-so subtle suggestions that the two of them are an item.
"So why aren't you two together?" her father says.
"Tousan," Chiyuki says, horrified. But Decim is thankfully oblivious to her parents' assault.
"The prospect would be most pleasing," Decim says, and Chiyuki snaps her head back to him, eyes wide, "But I have not thought to ask her."
"Oh?" her father says. Chiyuki bangs her head on the table.
"Decim isn't like that," Chiyuki says. "Decim is just a friend..."
"Chiyuki, don't insult the man, he's sitting right here," her father says.
"Decim, my dad is just teasing you. Don't take him seriously," Chiyuki says. Decim bows, politely.
"Forgive me my misunderstanding," Decim says, and Chiyuki just wants to fall to the floor.
They go for a walk. The night is warm and the streetlamps cast yellow halos on the sidewalk. Chiyuki walks with her hands in her pockets while Decim walks beside her, and for a long while the two of them don't say anything.
It is an awkward silence. It's the first time since her hospitalization that they've spent any real time together, and Chiyuki doesn't know what to do with herself. She fidgets with the sleeves of her coat, then glances around at the people jogging or at the sound of a bicycle riding past them. Meanwhile, Decim doesn't seem to notice her discomfort. He walks, just like he always does, hands barely moving stiffly at his side.
"Sorry about my parents," Chiyuki says. "They're just a little bit excited, you know?"
"I thoroughly enjoy conversing with humans," Decim says. "Please do not apologize."
"Thanks," Chiyuki says. Chiyuki tucks a strand of hair back behind her ear, staring at the ground.
Why was she embarrassed? It's not as if they weren't friends. Not to mention he had her memories, he already knew everything about her.
"Chiyuki-san?"
Chiyuki startles. "Yes?"
Decim stops, then stands in front of her. He's stood in front of her before, but it's the first time she notices just how much taller he is than her. She barely comes up to the middle of his chest, and somehow this knowledge makes her feel self-conscious.
"I am making you uneasy," Decim says, and she can hear it, something like hurt and confusion in his voice. "Why?
Is it because I am not human?" Decim says.
Chiyuki's throat is dry. He steps closer to her.
"I have always admired those who live a full life," Decim says. He lowers his head, a shadow falling over his eyes. "I would be happy to see how you live yours. However, I do not wish for you to feel responsible for me."
"What do you mean?" Chiyuki says, and Decim straightens, slightly.
"I will leave," Decim says, simply. "You needn't worry yourself with the likes of me."
"What?" Chiyuki says. "No! Decim, no one said you had to go--"
"You are unhappy with me," Decim says. Chiyuki shakes her head.
"No," she says, and she clasps his hands.
"I'm embarrassed," Chiyuki says, finally.
"Why?" Decim says.
"Because," Chiyuki says, and she has to force herself to continue: "Because you're here and you came back with me. And I'm happy we can be together."
"As am I," Decim says. "Then why are you embarrassed?"
Because his hands are warm, her mind chants. Because when they last hugged she felt so safe folded in his arms.
"Decim," Chiyuki says, carefully. "Do you know what it means, when a person says they want to be together?"
Decim considers, thoughtfully. "'Together' has many connotations," Decim says. "For instance, you could say many people ride the train together. As for us, we judged souls together," Decim says, and she feels his thumb absently stroking the skin at the center of her palm.
"It's a colloquialism," Chiyuki says, and somehow they're standing closer, she has to fight the urge to lean against him. She tilts her head upwards, looking up at him while they speak. "When a person says they want to be together with someone, they want to go on dates with them. If those dates work out, they become a couple. And that's what it means when you say 'they're together.'"
"I understand," Decim says. "I would like for us to be together."
"Decim, I don't think you understand--"
"'Together' is together," Decim says. "I believe I do know the meaning of that word."
He doesn't get it, Chiyuki thinks, and sighs inwardly. "Decim--"
"If you're referring to its sexual connotations, I had assumed we would take things slowly," Decim says, and Chiyuki's eyes pop out of her head.
"Huh?!"
Decim blinks. It's the first time he looks really unsure. "Forgive me," Decim says, and a blush cracks across his face. "It was wrong of me to assume--"
But Chiyuki pushes up on her tip-toes and kisses him. He stumbles a little, and she smiles, fondly. They walk back to his apartment, hand in hand.
*****
They kiss in his apartment. Decim is no longer uncertain this time, and Chiyuki's gut bottoms out at the feel of him kissing her, hand cupping the side of his face and the tip of his tongue gently touching hers.
"Have you done this before?" Chiyuki asks. They're speaking in whispers. Decim shakes his head.
"No," Decim says. Slowly Chiyuki comes close to him and begins unbuttoning his shirt.
He's standing completely still as she undresses him, his eyes closed and his lips parted softly. She leans into his neck and slides off the rest of his shirt, circling his waist with her arms. "Can I ask you a question?" Chiyuki asks. She sees the bump of his adam's apple swallow.
"What is it you want to know?"
"When you took me to the basement," Chiyuki says, and she begins walking him backward toward the edge of the bed. "I was wearing my old clothes. Did you undress me?"
Her lips brush against the strap muscle of his neck as they sit on the bed. Another swallow. "...Yes."
She drops a soft kiss against his mouth. "Did you look?" she asks. Decim's eyes slowly open.
"I do not understand," Decim says.
"I'm asking," Chiyuki says, and she begins undoing the buttons of his pants, "If you looked at me when you changed my clothes."
"I tried not to," Decim says, softly. His eyes close again as she kisses his throat.
She pulls off her shirt. Unclasps her bra and tosses it to the side of the bed. Carefully she guides his hand up to her left breast. "My nipples are sensitive," she whispers. "It feels good if you touch them there."
Decim hesitates a moment, then bends forward, gently cupping one soft breast and taking her nipple in his mouth. Chiyuki groans, then murmurs, "Wait a minute," moving to pull off her pants and underwear.
"Chiyuki...san." There is uncertainty in his voice as she pulls down his pants, exposing his length. "We do not have to do this."
"Do you want to stop?" Chiyuki asks.
"I--" Decim swallows. "I am nervous."
"Why?" she says.
"I do not want to hurt you."
Their foreheads touch. She cups his face in her hands. "Why do you think you'll hurt me?" she asks, quietly. He looks up at her with bright blue eyes.
"Because you cried the last time you did something like this," Decim says.
Chiyuki remembers. There was a boy who pressured her at University. She slept with him before she was ready, and when he stopped calling her, she cried herself to sleep for days.
"You have my memory of that?" Chiyuki says. Decim nods.
"I have all your memories," Decim says. He's searching her with his eyes.
Chiyuki smiles, then fondly cups him on the cheek. "This isn't the same," Chiyuki says.
They lie back on the bed. She straddles him on top, carefully taking his length and lowering herself on him. The room is dark and they speak in half-whispers, the room quiet except for the sounds of their breathing and the slick, wet sounds of her moving on top of him. Decim closes his eyes and lets out a shuddery breath, and Chiyuki rewards him with a small kiss against his jaw.
"Is your knee okay?" Decim asks, softly. His voice is breathier than normal. "Chiyuki-san?"
"I'm fine," she says. Her hair brushes against his chest like a curtain.
"Let me be on top," Decim says, softly. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."
Chiyuki sighs and moves off of him, waiting as he repositions himself.
He slips into her with one smooth thrust, then begins to move inside her.
It feels good. Chiyuki strains against him, because she's close, and she only opens her eyes when he asks, softly, "Do you want me to go down on you?"
The words are jarring coming from him, the same soft, sonorous voice, the same pleasant monotone, as if he were asking if she wanted a drink at the bar.
"What?" Chiyuki says. He's still moving, kissing the side of her face.
"I know it's difficult for you to climax like this." His voice is soft.
"How did you know?"
"I know from your memories of doing things like this."
"Okay," Chiyuki whispers, and their eyes meet. He pushes himself up on his arms and lowers himself between her legs.
She gasps. He's licking her in the exact way she needs for it to feel good, laving her clit with soft, slow strokes.
How is this Decim? she wonders. The Decim she knows is as sexless and sterile as any mannequin at the bar. But here he is now, breathing heavy with his mouth to her sex, and as she peaks into orgasm all she can think of is that she's alive, and he's alive with her.
*******
3.
"I am uncertain about this," Decim says, as Chiyuki pulls him onto the skating rink. Little kids speed by him in fast colored blurs, and Decim wobbles, catching himself with a death grip on her arm.
She leaves him by the wall, then skates ahead of him, turning with one graceful loop and stretching out her arms. "C'mon," Chiyuki says. "Keep your head steady and focus on me.
And move slowly. You don't want to go too fast."
"Chiyuki-san, I must protest," Decim says, and there is a touch of panic in his voice as another kid whizzes past him. He slips and catches himself again, clinging to the wall. "I do not think this is safe."
"Everyone falls the first time," Chiyuki says, and Decim starts forward hesitantly. "You have my memories, right?"
"They do not translate to physical ability," Decim says.
"Could have fooled me last night."
"I-" Decim turns several shades of red, before inching forward.
*****
She teaches at the skating rink. After work, Decim will meet her there, dressed in a dark coat and scarf, and Chiyuki will smile and wave to her students, waving as she meets him.
As it turns out, Decim is the perfect boyfriend: they do everything she likes to do; they make love exactly the way she likes making love. He prepares her favorite foods and takes her to all her favorite places, and Decim is so uncomplaining and patient that it takes a few months before Chiyuki realizes just how one-sided their relationship has become. "We should do something you like to do," Chiyuki says.
Decim blinks. "I do not understand," Decim says.
"Well...we always do what I want. But what about you?" Chiyuki says. "Is there any place you want to go, or anything you want to do?"
"I am happy being with you," Decim says, and Chiyuki rests her head against his shoulder.
"I just...I don't want you to think we can't do something you'd enjoy. You know? I want to make you happy," Chiyuki says. "Can you think of anything I can do for you?"
Decim seems to think a moment. "I heard there are wax museums," Decim says.
"Oh, okay! Yeah, we can visit one of those," Chiyuki says.
"I also enjoy looking at the mannequins at the department store," Decim says.
"O-oh."
"Perhaps I will take up puppetry again," Decim says, and Chiyuki starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" Decim says, but Chiyuki shakes her head, giggling into her hand.
*****
"What's it like, having my memories?" Chiyuki says.
"How do you mean?" Decim says. They are spending time at his place; he hugs her on the couch, tucking her body against the length of his chest and holding her sideways. She glances up behind her shoulder, looking at him.
"I mean," Chiyuki starts. "Do you remember them as if they happened to you?" Decim shakes his head.
"Do you remember your fifth birthday party?" he asks.
"Yes," Chiyuki says. Decim pauses, reflecting.
"You and your parents share that same memory," Decim says. "All three of you will remember the color of the cake, what songs were sung. How you spent the rest of that day. I remember this too, as if I were with you."
"Really?" Chiyuki says, and she has a ridiculous image of baby Decim sharing a birthday cake with her.
"What a minute," Chiyuki says, suddenly. "So when you remember me and my other boyfriends--"
"It is as if I were with you, yes," Decim says.
She gets an image of Decim standing in the shadows, watching silently as she makes out with a parade of useless boys, as he did when he used to judge them.
"I'm not sure I like to think about that," Chiyuki says, frowning. Decim makes a soft amused sound, then smiles at her with his eyes.
****
He is still a doll.
Some nights, Chiyuki is awake with the sudden realization that Decim will not live another life; that there is no chance of reincarnation, that after this, they will no longer be together. "Do not be sad for me," Decim says. "One full life, and I will die happily. Remember this," Decim says, and he cradles her close, kissing her eyes.
*****
4.
The baby is crying. Chiyuki is coming apart at the seams, but Decim is as placid and stoic as ever, rocking the baby and holding her to his chest.
"I just want to sleep!" Chiyuki wails, because she's tearful and tired and only a few weeks postpartum, and she sobs uncontrollably as Decim ushers her into the bedroom. "I'm a horrible mommy! Why can't I be there for her?"
"You are tired," Decim says. He holds the baby with one arm as he guides Chiyuki into the bed. "You need to sleep."
"You don't need to sleep," Chiyuki says.
"I am not human," Decim says. He pulls the covers up to Chiyuki's chin.
Neither one of them thought Chiyuki would get pregnant. But their child is there now, quieting down as Decim holds her, and Chiyuki is amazed at how much she looks like him. The same blue eyes, the same long face and pale skin. It is nothing short of a miracle that a doll can father a human child, but here she is.
He is closer than ever to being human.
Decim is asleep. The baby is sleeping in the bassinet, hands curled into tiny fists held above her head. Carefully, Chiyuki drapes a blanket over Decim's shoulder, then quietly leans beside him.
She knows he will live his life to the fullest. And he will not give heed to what comes after.