Apr 20, 2004 00:57
first and foremost, i would like to say that i will reply to your comments, and until then, i know i'm a schmuck. good, glad that's cleared up.
to say that this weekend was "nuts" would be an understatement. remembering last year at this time when ex-Boy was Boy and we sat together in the same place with his arm around my waist, listening to him laugh in my ear. that was before we both screwed up. so much has happened in one year, that i'm losing track of it all. and i don't even want to write it down anymore (and i don't know why).
this year, i found myself ignored for large stretches of the day as ex-Boy amused himself with new "female friend" from the old country. Honey, if you think you can compete against a girl who was born knowing things you'll have to spend years learning (if you decide you even want to), like a whole nother language, you dream. you, of course, being me.
instead i realized something most frightening. i realized that for the very first time in my life, i can say that i am in love with someone and mean it more completely than i ever have been able to before. there is a man in my life who loves me in all the ways i've always dreamt of, and who wants to get past the act to get to me. and i'm amazed to admit that i have cried more in front of him in the last month than in front of most people ever (4 times).
ah, but there's a catch. it's M - the married one. he seesaws back and forth in how to deal with everything, and admitted he should have listened when our friend told him to explore something with me before marrying a girl in january whom he met last july (even though the last time he really saw her was september). there's a lot of wishful thinking going on, but apart from their marriage collapsing of its own weight, there's no point.
so i found myself sobbing on the edge of his bed with his arm around me and feeling more complete than i have felt in a while. so much so that i admitted wanting to be more part of his society (my mom was born in the same country) and thus want to learn his language. this folks will be my fifth language, so i'm kinda ready to throw in the towel... and he gets up, takes my head softly in both hands and kisses me on the forehead. as leo says, the fact i'm okay with this is kinda startling....
i really don't know why i'm writing all this, other than to spare dear leo from hearing me talk about it more than i already do. maybe somehow it'll all work out, but more likely, in august i will have to step out of the way as his wife finally comes to live with him. i'm sure this sounds like some sort of weird drama, and believe me, i never in my wildest dreams thought i'd be "that girl".
i don't see a way out, i know you're all tired of reading about this, but welcome to my mind....
good night and sweet dreams