Passwords
It would be really helpful if I could remember my password to LiveJournal. And to Battlenet. And gmail. All three of them. And that program I use at work only once a month.
It would be really helpful if I didn't overload myself with projects all the time, but it seems to be a habit I can't kick. There is no such thing as idle time or idle thinking anymore. And it's starting to interfere with my ability to get personal projects done. But even then, with the personal projects, there's no rest.
When I was little, my dad said I was lazy. That he didn't like me very much. I've been in therapy. I've talked this out. And my dad has made his ammends since then. And then my ex-husband yelled at me for watching Netflix after work. He said I was lazy. But all he did all day was play video games instead of working on his master's thesis. I have an inherent fear of actually being lazy even though I'm not. I feel like I am anyways. I feel like I'm being lazy any time I take a break to binge watch The Vampire Diaries. I should be writing. Or working on some freelance. Or finding something "productive" to do.
I've seen this in my parents. My mom has rarely ever sat down and watched a whole movie all the way through. She's always in the kitchen, cleaning or doing some other random bustling around. My dad, though he takes Rip van Winkle naps like I do, is always in his shop, tinkering with some gadget, fixing someone's car/motorcycle, or inventing something. He's 78. I think he's worked long enough that he can nap through Nascar if he wants to. My mom is five years away from retirement. She talks about it all the time. She also talks about what kind of part time job she's going to get after she retires.
This is what being lower class is. This is blue-collar life. There is no idleness. There is only guilt for lack of productivity in the idle times. I wonder if it will always be this way for me. It's always been this way for them. They worked hard so I wouldn't have to. I might have two degrees and an office job, but that will not ever stop me from working as much as I do. So, how do I take a break? How do I let myself only work one job when it seems so simple to work two or three more to pay down debt or buy something nice for myself once in a while. How do we REST? And in this political climate, how can we ever afford to?
It would be really helpful if I didn't overload myself with projects all the time, but it seems to be a habit I can't kick. There is no such thing as idle time or idle thinking anymore. And it's starting to interfere with my ability to get personal projects done. But even then, with the personal projects, there's no rest.
When I was little, my dad said I was lazy. That he didn't like me very much. I've been in therapy. I've talked this out. And my dad has made his ammends since then. And then my ex-husband yelled at me for watching Netflix after work. He said I was lazy. But all he did all day was play video games instead of working on his master's thesis. I have an inherent fear of actually being lazy even though I'm not. I feel like I am anyways. I feel like I'm being lazy any time I take a break to binge watch The Vampire Diaries. I should be writing. Or working on some freelance. Or finding something "productive" to do.
I've seen this in my parents. My mom has rarely ever sat down and watched a whole movie all the way through. She's always in the kitchen, cleaning or doing some other random bustling around. My dad, though he takes Rip van Winkle naps like I do, is always in his shop, tinkering with some gadget, fixing someone's car/motorcycle, or inventing something. He's 78. I think he's worked long enough that he can nap through Nascar if he wants to. My mom is five years away from retirement. She talks about it all the time. She also talks about what kind of part time job she's going to get after she retires.
This is what being lower class is. This is blue-collar life. There is no idleness. There is only guilt for lack of productivity in the idle times. I wonder if it will always be this way for me. It's always been this way for them. They worked hard so I wouldn't have to. I might have two degrees and an office job, but that will not ever stop me from working as much as I do. So, how do I take a break? How do I let myself only work one job when it seems so simple to work two or three more to pay down debt or buy something nice for myself once in a while. How do we REST? And in this political climate, how can we ever afford to?