(no subject)
I don't know where to go, or what to say, or who to say it to anymore. Whenever I felt this lost, you'd be the person I'd call. Now, that's not possible and I just feel really lost. You offered so much in the way of guidance, and now there is no one to guide. I feel like I'm starting to realize that all this time I've just had a bad sense of direction or something. All I can do is break down and cry.
I know people love and care about me, and I feel so foolish and selfish that all that isn't enough to just keep me content. But all I seem to look at is the lose. The loss of love, and then the lose of a dear friend. Every time I think I have this thing beat, I realize that I'm just sinking deeper. Every single step I take forward feels like it sets me back 10 more steps. When will it end? When I stop hurting? When will I be okay again? When can I smile without having to hide the pain?
I just want it all to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. I just want to disappear in the woods somewhere where I can't be found and live out the rest of my days away from the very things I long for every day. Because those things are never going to come to fruition when I all I can focus on is the lose. I can't wrap my head around it all. I haven't found a way to cope with losing my relationship, how could I possibly find a way to cope with this.
After losing Dave, I thought maybe you'd understand how precious life is. How precious love is, and yet still here I am alone, when all I want is you by my side. I feel like I'm second best in your life and that hurts bad enough to make me want to cut out my own heart. I'm so sick of crying. Why did I deserve all this? Sometimes, you feel as dead to me as Dave is. Because the woman I loved never would have left my side, especially not when I'm hurting this badly. I don't even know you anymore. And you're content with that. And that leaves feeling so used and worthless. Maybe he has the right idea, maybe this world just isn't fit for everyone. I'm starting to believe that I truly don't belong.
I know people love and care about me, and I feel so foolish and selfish that all that isn't enough to just keep me content. But all I seem to look at is the lose. The loss of love, and then the lose of a dear friend. Every time I think I have this thing beat, I realize that I'm just sinking deeper. Every single step I take forward feels like it sets me back 10 more steps. When will it end? When I stop hurting? When will I be okay again? When can I smile without having to hide the pain?
I just want it all to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. I just want to disappear in the woods somewhere where I can't be found and live out the rest of my days away from the very things I long for every day. Because those things are never going to come to fruition when I all I can focus on is the lose. I can't wrap my head around it all. I haven't found a way to cope with losing my relationship, how could I possibly find a way to cope with this.
After losing Dave, I thought maybe you'd understand how precious life is. How precious love is, and yet still here I am alone, when all I want is you by my side. I feel like I'm second best in your life and that hurts bad enough to make me want to cut out my own heart. I'm so sick of crying. Why did I deserve all this? Sometimes, you feel as dead to me as Dave is. Because the woman I loved never would have left my side, especially not when I'm hurting this badly. I don't even know you anymore. And you're content with that. And that leaves feeling so used and worthless. Maybe he has the right idea, maybe this world just isn't fit for everyone. I'm starting to believe that I truly don't belong.