(no subject)
So, I feel very frustrated after losing in poker tonight. I know I need to stop playing but I won't feel justified at least until I win once more. I guess I need to know that I'm not a terribly bad player, and that's what keeps driving me back every time. I know I waste a lot of money when I lose but I can't take failing at a game like this, not after all the shit failing I've already done. And sadly this card game makes me feel even more shitty about things. For what reasons, I don't really know. I guess cause I always wished that I could play cards professionally if music every fell through. Not that I really ever thought about it seriously. But I feel it's such a simple game that I should be able to pick up on the complex nature that it can sometimes posses. And yet I feel after all the times I've played, that I've really learned nothing. I feel I could compare this game to school, I learned the material that I needed to know at the time, and once I left school I just forgot everything. I feel like that's what I do after every time I play cards. I take nothing in, I just don't soak up the obvious angles of the game are being put out there for me to take in. It would like taking candy from a baby, yet I can't grasp it.
I guess what it all boils down to is, failing makes me feel like even more of loser (in a sense of the word). I feel like because I've done worse things in life, harder things, and haven gotten farther than I'm getting with this game, that I should just get it. It should come to me naturally. But still nothing, and still it bothers me. I just want one win. I just want to be ahead for once. Maybe I just should stop and give up. But giving up sounds worse to me the second time around. All I ask is just to get ahead. But I've giving it one more chance, win or lose, I'm done until after I go to Vegas. No more, I've wasted to much time and money. And it's really not worth it anymore.
I guess what it all boils down to is, failing makes me feel like even more of loser (in a sense of the word). I feel like because I've done worse things in life, harder things, and haven gotten farther than I'm getting with this game, that I should just get it. It should come to me naturally. But still nothing, and still it bothers me. I just want one win. I just want to be ahead for once. Maybe I just should stop and give up. But giving up sounds worse to me the second time around. All I ask is just to get ahead. But I've giving it one more chance, win or lose, I'm done until after I go to Vegas. No more, I've wasted to much time and money. And it's really not worth it anymore.