(no subject)
The words blah come to mind right now. I hate not being able to do what I really want with my life. I feel trapped, or doomed to be something I don't want to be. Sometimes I just want to get up and leave everything behind, the bills, my debt, my apartment, my dog, and just travel, make music, and be spontanious. Do things I never thought I would. Have excitement in my, something I've never really had. I mean I do have my moments and I can't say life is absolutely dull and boring. But I will continue to long for more until I have what I want, and I don't think I ever will. I can't have what I want anymore. I've screwed myself on that one. I have to "reap what I have sewn" so to speak. I created my debt problems, and I'm the only one who can change that. But I can't seem to get myself out of that whole because all I want to do is buy more stuff to make myself feel better for not doing what I really want with my life. But it's only a temporary fix until that thing gets old or boring, like every thing does, then I'm miserable because I'm right back where I started.
Basically, I'm selfish and I'm unhappy with the way things are because I've made them this way and there's no way to take it all back. I can't just hit reset like this is a video game. I use to think I could deal with the consequences later after I acted, but now I don't know if I can. I would give anything to be able to go back and change things, to do better in school, to have practiced my guitar lessons to make myself a better musician, and possibly be successful. I miss pooring out my heart into music and being stressed and broke, but because I was doing something with my time and money, and I was happy with it like that. I miss putting my "blood, sweat, and tears" as they say into a song, and expressing that. To some people, I may a nice kid or a sweet guy or a great boyfriend or a good friend or a loving son, but the only way I can look at myself is a failure. I've failed myself, and it's not easy to change that. Regardless of what you think of me, I'm just a failed musician in my own eyes. That's just the way it is, and the only person that can change that is me.
I just don't know where this road is going anymore. I want something good to come out of all this. I want to be fulfilled again. Give me four friends and a van and lets just travel again. I use to think that was such a simple dream. Now I just don't know.
Basically, I'm selfish and I'm unhappy with the way things are because I've made them this way and there's no way to take it all back. I can't just hit reset like this is a video game. I use to think I could deal with the consequences later after I acted, but now I don't know if I can. I would give anything to be able to go back and change things, to do better in school, to have practiced my guitar lessons to make myself a better musician, and possibly be successful. I miss pooring out my heart into music and being stressed and broke, but because I was doing something with my time and money, and I was happy with it like that. I miss putting my "blood, sweat, and tears" as they say into a song, and expressing that. To some people, I may a nice kid or a sweet guy or a great boyfriend or a good friend or a loving son, but the only way I can look at myself is a failure. I've failed myself, and it's not easy to change that. Regardless of what you think of me, I'm just a failed musician in my own eyes. That's just the way it is, and the only person that can change that is me.
I just don't know where this road is going anymore. I want something good to come out of all this. I want to be fulfilled again. Give me four friends and a van and lets just travel again. I use to think that was such a simple dream. Now I just don't know.