(no subject)
So I got through my first 3 week project in Poughkeepsie, Ny and I have to say it was pretty easy. I like my job a lot. I get paid well and I'm probably already up for a promotion which is crazy money if I get it. If I don't I'll live but I'm being told I'm definitely going to move up and that I should keep doing what I'm doing. So thats a plus.
In other news, I wish I had music in my life. But it seems like nothing I do is going to lead me to that path. I just feel absolutely pathetic. I can't even write songs that are worth hearing anymore, at least not me. I just sit in my closet by myself with my little ass amp and my two guitars that are probably nicer that I deserve and do nothing. I feel like even if I was to say, get a recording program and start writing things myself it wouldn't amount to anything anyway so why bother. Like I'll never been anything ever agian.
The only way things are going to change though is if I make it happen, but what if I fail again? I don't think I can handle another let down like the one I put myself through. I feel like I've screwed up already in so many ways that I could never get back to the way I use to feel with music. Now, I just listen, I'm no longer a musician. Or at least I don't see myself that way. Because I always believed musicians made music for thereself and others to enjoy, so hows that work if I don't even like what I write anymore. It all just feels so insignificant. Just numb.
Yet again I find myself feeling like the only reason people would ever want me around is to feel better about themselves, maybe that's why I don't have a lot of friends.
And after reading all this to myself I'm so much more emo than I thought and it's sort of sad, maybe I just need to learn to deal with it because thats life and the way it all goes.
In other news, I wish I had music in my life. But it seems like nothing I do is going to lead me to that path. I just feel absolutely pathetic. I can't even write songs that are worth hearing anymore, at least not me. I just sit in my closet by myself with my little ass amp and my two guitars that are probably nicer that I deserve and do nothing. I feel like even if I was to say, get a recording program and start writing things myself it wouldn't amount to anything anyway so why bother. Like I'll never been anything ever agian.
The only way things are going to change though is if I make it happen, but what if I fail again? I don't think I can handle another let down like the one I put myself through. I feel like I've screwed up already in so many ways that I could never get back to the way I use to feel with music. Now, I just listen, I'm no longer a musician. Or at least I don't see myself that way. Because I always believed musicians made music for thereself and others to enjoy, so hows that work if I don't even like what I write anymore. It all just feels so insignificant. Just numb.
Yet again I find myself feeling like the only reason people would ever want me around is to feel better about themselves, maybe that's why I don't have a lot of friends.
And after reading all this to myself I'm so much more emo than I thought and it's sort of sad, maybe I just need to learn to deal with it because thats life and the way it all goes.