(no subject)

Jan 09, 2007 00:21

So, I got the Project Team position at work. I start Monday. I guess that's pretty exciting because there is a ton of opportunity here for me to do some awesome things. I get to travel a lot which is a plus, and I'll be able to pay all my bills finally. But I still feel like things are pretty dull. I don't like the feel of having it all mapped out, yet when I look ahead, that's all I can see.

I don't want to be stuck in this place forever. Not that it's a bad job, I mean when you start to move up the pay is awesome, and there's benefits and all that. But, I want more out of my life. Something I just don't seem to get anymore, at least not with out music. And I can't even seem to do that right lately. I try to write and at least translate my feelings in my music, but I can't even do that. I feel like I'm not even good enough to express myself anymore. Sort of like wanting to speak but the words just aren't coming out. I try to play and my finger don't want to move. And when they do, they don't say anything worth listening to. I find it so frustration to want to still be a musician and try to keep that part of my somewhat alive when I can't even play what I feel anymore.

I feel so worn from trying to think of ways to maybe keep that part of me alive, and somehow incorporate music into my future. I just draw blanks. And it all just hurts, because I just see myself living on with a monotonous life that I never wanted for myself.

But I keep on going, one day at a time. You never know what tomorrow has in store.

I guess it's just sad to think that I'm working towards getting a car now, when a year ago I was working towards getting signed and going on tour. That's all I want.
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