some days, you just need a chainsaw and a pair of rubber gloves
I'm trying to decide if I'm depressed again from birth-control pills. I'm taking the low dosage, dammit. If so, that's it, then I will fully accept the fact that I just don't have all that much estrogen or something, and I will return to my freakish bi-monthly period cycle and the nagging fear of pregnancy.
Everything just seems so ridiculous. I feel like one of a billion New York artists sinking deep into debt…
God I'm so sick of everything, especially having to listen to the fucking television at 6 billion decibels, is everyone deaf or something?
There are too many options for me, I can't think. If I could have a solid direction, that would be fabulous.
My show last night was fine on one hand, depressing on another, successful on one…foot? Everyone listens to me, that's good. When most people play, everyone just talks. It was a decent crowd, although a lot of them just stayed from the open mic where I plugged myself earlier. At least they stayed because I asked them to. Other than that, it was WHN, my old roommate Xtina, two of her friends, and my violin player and two of her friends. LHAS had a show of his own suddenly, UN was at a Unitarian retreat, AHJG was possibly visiting his mom in New Jersey (but I'm starting to think he's just kind of an asshole), my friend Kevin's knee hurt too badly, my friend Amy said she might come but didn't, and neither did the 8,000 other people that said they'd try to be there. (The key word is "Try." "Yeah, I'll try to make it to your show." That translates to: if I just happen to be in the neighborhood and having nothing else to do at all, I'll totally be there, that is if I can pay the cover and feel like listening to music at all, but yeah, count me in.
I gave all the money to my violin player, even though God knows she probably doesn't need it like I do (she drives a BMW and lives in a huge apartment and is in med school, I wish my parents gave me money, but then again she seems like she's 17 yet she's my age), but whatever. I might as well have zero dollars, I might as well be a martyr.
But that makes like a million bastards who are supposed to be my friends who couldn't come out to support me. Too busy, or sick, or going out of town, last minute plans, blah blah blah. Don't you fuckers have Dayrunners? I can see why people get tired of New York. You have so few real friends and then when you do make real friends, they move to London, Georgia, or Colorado.
I feel like if I could just be alone for awhile I could be all right, but I live in a little box with no privacy whatsoever, I'm so tired, UGH.
This HAS to be the birth control, because the normal me would be aggressively looking for another JOB (I have fucking -$63 in the bank, what bounced? Then I'm over 5K in debt), cleaning this shithole room, meeting new friends who might show a bit of loyalty, starting a band, things like that. Instead, I'm rereading books, feeling like there are too many things to do to just choose one, so I do nothing.
Yes, I would really like to be allowed to freak out! I would honestly like to scream. I felt fine earlier today, now suddenly, this violence. One more week I think then I bleed, then I'll stop with the birth control (and my skin will explode and my boobs will shrink, but whatever).
WHN was pretty nice last night, he can be really nice when I'm in a shitty mood. It's when I'm in a good mood that he's annoying. Anyway, he said he's the same way after shows, they can be such an anti-climax and everyone flakes out on you. It was actually a really nice night after that despite my moodiness; we went walking through this garden where they were putting on a free Shakespeare play, and we made out amongst all this foliage and shit. Lots of fireflies and duskiness. I really do love New York because we just walked for a bit and saw all this cool, random stuff.
Then we went for drinks at the Living Room (which is pretty famous and we both aspire to play there) and listened to some music, then past that was the normal sexual routine which was actually insanely good.
Sometimes he seems like he's thinking something really deep, so I ask him what he's thinking, and it turns out he's thinking about how to get a gig at the Living Room or something. I realized that the only reason we can even go out is that we're too ambitious to date anyone else who does not possess equal or greater ambition.
Maybe I should date an ambitious guy that can, like, make me famous.
I HATE listening to the television, it's all screaming and gunshots or fucking Ray Romano, I'd like to smash the damn thing.
Kill kill kill!!!!
Everything just seems so ridiculous. I feel like one of a billion New York artists sinking deep into debt…
God I'm so sick of everything, especially having to listen to the fucking television at 6 billion decibels, is everyone deaf or something?
There are too many options for me, I can't think. If I could have a solid direction, that would be fabulous.
My show last night was fine on one hand, depressing on another, successful on one…foot? Everyone listens to me, that's good. When most people play, everyone just talks. It was a decent crowd, although a lot of them just stayed from the open mic where I plugged myself earlier. At least they stayed because I asked them to. Other than that, it was WHN, my old roommate Xtina, two of her friends, and my violin player and two of her friends. LHAS had a show of his own suddenly, UN was at a Unitarian retreat, AHJG was possibly visiting his mom in New Jersey (but I'm starting to think he's just kind of an asshole), my friend Kevin's knee hurt too badly, my friend Amy said she might come but didn't, and neither did the 8,000 other people that said they'd try to be there. (The key word is "Try." "Yeah, I'll try to make it to your show." That translates to: if I just happen to be in the neighborhood and having nothing else to do at all, I'll totally be there, that is if I can pay the cover and feel like listening to music at all, but yeah, count me in.
I gave all the money to my violin player, even though God knows she probably doesn't need it like I do (she drives a BMW and lives in a huge apartment and is in med school, I wish my parents gave me money, but then again she seems like she's 17 yet she's my age), but whatever. I might as well have zero dollars, I might as well be a martyr.
But that makes like a million bastards who are supposed to be my friends who couldn't come out to support me. Too busy, or sick, or going out of town, last minute plans, blah blah blah. Don't you fuckers have Dayrunners? I can see why people get tired of New York. You have so few real friends and then when you do make real friends, they move to London, Georgia, or Colorado.
I feel like if I could just be alone for awhile I could be all right, but I live in a little box with no privacy whatsoever, I'm so tired, UGH.
This HAS to be the birth control, because the normal me would be aggressively looking for another JOB (I have fucking -$63 in the bank, what bounced? Then I'm over 5K in debt), cleaning this shithole room, meeting new friends who might show a bit of loyalty, starting a band, things like that. Instead, I'm rereading books, feeling like there are too many things to do to just choose one, so I do nothing.
Yes, I would really like to be allowed to freak out! I would honestly like to scream. I felt fine earlier today, now suddenly, this violence. One more week I think then I bleed, then I'll stop with the birth control (and my skin will explode and my boobs will shrink, but whatever).
WHN was pretty nice last night, he can be really nice when I'm in a shitty mood. It's when I'm in a good mood that he's annoying. Anyway, he said he's the same way after shows, they can be such an anti-climax and everyone flakes out on you. It was actually a really nice night after that despite my moodiness; we went walking through this garden where they were putting on a free Shakespeare play, and we made out amongst all this foliage and shit. Lots of fireflies and duskiness. I really do love New York because we just walked for a bit and saw all this cool, random stuff.
Then we went for drinks at the Living Room (which is pretty famous and we both aspire to play there) and listened to some music, then past that was the normal sexual routine which was actually insanely good.
Sometimes he seems like he's thinking something really deep, so I ask him what he's thinking, and it turns out he's thinking about how to get a gig at the Living Room or something. I realized that the only reason we can even go out is that we're too ambitious to date anyone else who does not possess equal or greater ambition.
Maybe I should date an ambitious guy that can, like, make me famous.
I HATE listening to the television, it's all screaming and gunshots or fucking Ray Romano, I'd like to smash the damn thing.
Kill kill kill!!!!